My Silent Voice (Diary)

GETTING REAL, OR, KEEP ON LIVING THE LIE

Traveling along the recovery journey is already a road that seems so less traveled. Day after day I go through the mode of trying to be Positive, Upbeat, Mindful and try to see this bigger picture that the trees have somehow hide from view. I really do try to stay and be this person that is striving to have it together. But on the Real, the pain of realizing it is all superficial.
Only in the wee hours of the night when silence creeps in and all are asleep but me. I try to not allow the night to torment me but yet it creeps up on me like a thief in the night. This is on the Real.

I once again must wrestle the demons that taunt my soul and WHY? because you are not really being real until you can face the lies you have been keeping hidden within. Someone said you have to face your fears so I have to acknowledge the lies and expose them as the deceptions they truly are. True healing can never be complete or lasting if you can"t get Real. Truth is so often a bitter pill to swallow, but Truth can set a soul free.

Life at my house is not a home. Day in and day out two strangers that pass in the night. Isolation and seclusion are all you know Husband and wife who are so estranged. You are in your room 24/7 and me in the home all alone yet you are here. No intimacy, no hugs, no kind words, just silence day after day and year after year. Tell me what is a wife to do? I don't know what you are dealing with because you do not talk. You in your room and I in mine passing one another like two ships on the sea. 49 years I have tried to be what and who I thought you wanted me to be. Yet you remain a total stranger
whom I just don't know. We have done well to keep it covered and smile and grin and tip your hat, All while I die inside, Getting on the Real is what I say. Every day I say Why am I here? No physical, The verbal abuse has now ceased for the most part. Yet I am alone desiring to just know I matter, just to hear a kind word but all is void cause we are living the lie.
Healing can not ever take place until we are willing to face the truth in the eyes. I have walked away so many times but you come to me and reel me back in. My need to belong and the fear of all my abuse makes me feel this is the safest place. Fear has its grip around my neck and I die a little bit day by day. Whatever progress I make I feel like I keep allowing myself to get drug back. But it is not the healthiest place for my mental health. I don't know if I can totally heal in this place. Just Being Real

I wanted to reply to you on the thread where you wrote about your therapist but I can't find it - I'm sorry. I just want to say that its great that she helped you with your breathing and getting calm - especially before you left there. That's a good thing for sure
You've been in my thoughts

DEAR DIARY;
It's me again, have not talked to me in a while. but I guess it is time to share a little bit with you about how I am feeling so.stirred up inside, I can't sleep and I feel like a whirlwind inside. I keep trying to change my thoughts and distract myself from the little incident the other night. Old memories surfacing trying to torment me and make me feel unsafe. I know it is my mind messing with me and yet that does not matter. This should not be still happening
yet it is. Seems like when I make a step forward and feel like I got this I take three steps back.

Self, when are you going to rise above your obstales? tell me when. I get sick of you allowing small things to get in your way and you lose your bearings then you are ready to jump ship. You can not help anyone until you first help your self. Now is that not true?
Think this through:
are you being rashional? or a, this is what you are use to doingre you catastisizing? is your thoughts Black and White? Are you Fortunetelling?
feeling guilty and running away like always. Do you know you have to face your fears in order to resolve them?
Put your self in the other persons shoes, they have there own issues to. Can't you show that you are a bigger person? I guess not, you keep going back to what feels fcomfortable and what you are use to.Come back me
Enotional roller coaster, now!
Facing myself

@scarletPear1945 Just wanted to say you were in someone's thoughts today :)

^{BRAIN CONFUSION:* May contain Triggers**}

^{Hello Diary:}

^{It's midnight, and the house is pretty quiet except for the echoing noises of the televisions. I have tried to lay down and rest but that seems futile. I went to one of the forums and there was a body scan meditation we were asked to try. I did and I even went to Goggle to listen to a few more guided meditations. I attempted to get my mind to settle down and my thoughts to slow down but as usual, the thoughts of relaxing or getting into a state of calmness causes triggers, and the feelings of must stay on guard begin to flood my thoughts. Inducing a state of vulnerability that then brings on that hypervigilant mode and the feelings of fear of being too relaxed making me an easy target, which is unacceptable.}

^{My inability to sleep has become of great concern to me. I am wondering if maybe this state I am in has anything to do with this being the month my son was killed or my adopted mother's birthday. Maybe even some backlashes from the EMDR. Images and movies racing across my eyes as if I am watching TV, but none seem to make sense.}

^{The doctor gave me new meds to try but I don't think they are working or maybe I am making myself resistant to them. My new time frame with my Therapist has increased to 2 hours now and they seem to be getting harder and more revealing. As we talk the feelings of shame and guilt flood over me and I begin to feel like the child and not the adult. Shaking and weeping like a big baby uncontrollably. I try to hold myself but it does not help. Then she gives me the tappers as she tries to bring me back to a calm state. When I leave all those emotions get stirred up and things that I did not remember begin to surface and I find myself with nowhere to unleash my brain and the anxiety that follows.}

^{Wanting and desiring to be alright I find I am not. Trying to control my thoughts to stay on a positive balance seems impossible. Two steps forward and 5 steps backward. The body keeps the score is really true, If I become too relaxed I physically feel my body react, I feel as if someone is there but they are not. It is very frightening. Yet I must wait till my next session to talk about it but by that time there is so much other ground to cover. Am I spinning my wheels and going nowhere, or will it pay off after a while? I think that maybe I am a hand full for her. She is still grasping for a diagnosis. Meanwhile, she just says that you have so much trauma and dysfunctional things from birth to now that it is a lot to treat. I think that some of this contributes to being sickly as I am and have always been.}

^{Someone said fake it till you make it!! My outlet of thoughts. Maybe should not be telling this}😞

@scarletPear1945 You've been in my thoughts. So I hope you don't mind but I wanted to check in and see how you are. I know you've been struggling with so much lately

Hey Diary: Today Oct.6th

I am feeling really kind of pissed off. maybe for no reason, yet My emotions are there.

First of all, I am sick with the flu or Covid. not sure which as I had not been able to find anywhere close to get tested. I have been sick for several days now running a fever and chills and just can't seem to stop sneezing. I asked my husband to go to the store and get me some rock and rye for colds and yes it is alcohol. He is a minister but he refused to go. He has got this for me before after recommendations

of being good to break flu symptoms. Yes, he has every right to refuse to go but because he and my daughter go everywhere they want and come back home and compromise my health makes me extremely angry. They just don't seem to take the fact that I have a compromised immune system regardless of me reminding them. When we got Covid before my daughter brought it into us. Will they not be happy till they kill me off?

I jumped in my car and went and got the stuff myself, now he is wandering around in the kitchen checking out what I am doing and just watching me. I want to cuss him out but am reframing. Keeping my mouth shut for the safety of everyone.

What am I suppose to think or feel? It hurts to know that your family really only is important when they can use you to their benefit.

Maybe this is a product of my faulty thinking. When they are sick I take care of them because I care it is automatic. No if and or but's.

I hope you feel better soon. Try to take good care of yourself ❤

@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry to intrude again. I just wanted to say you've been in my thoughts and I hope you're feeling better

@scarletPear1945 Hey :) You popped into my thoughts this evening - I hope you're still feeling better and you're doing ok ❤