My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
Traveling along the recovery journey is already a road that seems so less traveled. Day after day I go through the mode of trying to be Positive, Upbeat, Mindful and try to see this bigger picture that the trees have somehow hide from view. I really do try to stay and be this person that is striving to have it together. But on the Real, the pain of realizing it is all superficial.
Only in the wee hours of the night when silence creeps in and all are asleep but me. I try to not allow the night to torment me but yet it creeps up on me like a thief in the night. This is on the Real.
I once again must wrestle the demons that taunt my soul and WHY? because you are not really being real until you can face the lies you have been keeping hidden within. Someone said you have to face your fears so I have to acknowledge the lies and expose them as the deceptions they truly are. True healing can never be complete or lasting if you can"t get Real. Truth is so often a bitter pill to swallow, but Truth can set a soul free.
Life at my house is not a home. Day in and day out two strangers that pass in the night. Isolation and seclusion are all you know Husband and wife who are so estranged. You are in your room 24/7 and me in the home all alone yet you are here. No intimacy, no hugs, no kind words, just silence day after day and year after year. Tell me what is a wife to do? I don't know what you are dealing with because you do not talk. You in your room and I in mine passing one another like two ships on the sea. 49 years I have tried to be what and who I thought you wanted me to be. Yet you remain a total stranger
whom I just don't know. We have done well to keep it covered and smile and grin and tip your hat, All while I die inside, Getting on the Real is what I say. Every day I say Why am I here? No physical, The verbal abuse has now ceased for the most part. Yet I am alone desiring to just know I matter, just to hear a kind word but all is void cause we are living the lie.
Healing can not ever take place until we are willing to face the truth in the eyes. I have walked away so many times but you come to me and reel me back in. My need to belong and the fear of all my abuse makes me feel this is the safest place. Fear has its grip around my neck and I die a little bit day by day. Whatever progress I make I feel like I keep allowing myself to get drug back. But it is not the healthiest place for my mental health. I don't know if I can totally heal in this place. Just Being Real
@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry if you didn't want replies to this - I first read it last night and you've been on my mind since. The honesty in which you wrote is beautiful - painful but beautiful
There's comfort in familiarity - comfort in what's known to us. Comfort in the confines of the very walls that can hold us back
You're such a good person - with a good heart. And you're so strong - stronger than maybe you see yourself. You've sacrificed so much yourself for someone who gives you nothing in return. I'm sorry - that sounds harsh and I don't mean it that way. You have to do what's best for you - to heal yourself inside and out. You deserve to be happy - to find healing - to live and be appreciated for who You are. The people who care will stand beside you no matter what. Do what's right to you - for you and only you ❤
I wanted to reply to you on the thread where you wrote about your therapist but I can't find it - I'm sorry. I just want to say that its great that she helped you with your breathing and getting calm - especially before you left there. That's a good thing for sure
You've been in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, and thanks.
Unfortunately, I am back with this Therapist again. She reached out to me and said she was sorry for it appearing that she had dismissed me. She ask me to come into her office and let us talk about it. I agreed to not leave and she is doing so much better. She is going to give me an extra hour for no charge. She said that an hour with me was not giving her the time to produce better results.
@scarletPear1945 Hey that's a pretty big deal though for her to apologize to you for how she made you feel. And that she's putting forth more effort for you to help you more. It says alot and it shows she gave some thought to what you said about feeling dismissed. I really hope that this gets you to where you deserve to be
It's me again, have not talked to me in a while. but I guess it is time to share a little bit with you about how I am feeling so.stirred up inside, I can't sleep and I feel like a whirlwind inside. I keep trying to change my thoughts and distract myself from the little incident the other night. Old memories surfacing trying to torment me and make me feel unsafe. I know it is my mind messing with me and yet that does not matter. This should not be still happening
yet it is. Seems like when I make a step forward and feel like I got this I take three steps back.
Self, when are you going to rise above your obstales? tell me when. I get sick of you allowing small things to get in your way and you lose your bearings then you are ready to jump ship. You can not help anyone until you first help your self. Now is that not true?
Think this through:
are you being rashional? or a, this is what you are use to doingre you catastisizing? is your thoughts Black and White? Are you Fortunetelling?
feeling guilty and running away like always. Do you know you have to face your fears in order to resolve them?
Put your self in the other persons shoes, they have there own issues to. Can't you show that you are a bigger person? I guess not, you keep going back to what feels fcomfortable and what you are use to.Come back me
Enotional roller coaster, now!
Facing myself
@scarletPear1945 Just wanted to say you were in someone's thoughts today :)
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much, tears flowing down my cheeks
You don't know how special those words are to hear
@scarletPear1945 I saw a quote that I wanted to share, "You couldn't not be a whole person" , Jon Kabat-Zin.
@scarletPear1945 I'm leaving a safe gentle hug for you - it's an open invitation anytime you need one. I see how hard you're trying and how hard you're working to heal ❤
BRAIN CONFUSION:* May contain Triggers**
Hello Diary:
It's midnight, and the house is pretty quiet except for the echoing noises of the televisions. I have tried to lay down and rest but that seems futile. I went to one of the forums and there was a body scan meditation we were asked to try. I did and I even went to Goggle to listen to a few more guided meditations. I attempted to get my mind to settle down and my thoughts to slow down but as usual, the thoughts of relaxing or getting into a state of calmness causes triggers, and the feelings of must stay on guard begin to flood my thoughts. Inducing a state of vulnerability that then brings on that hypervigilant mode and the feelings of fear of being too relaxed making me an easy target, which is unacceptable.
My inability to sleep has become of great concern to me. I am wondering if maybe this state I am in has anything to do with this being the month my son was killed or my adopted mother's birthday. Maybe even some backlashes from the EMDR. Images and movies racing across my eyes as if I am watching TV, but none seem to make sense.
The doctor gave me new meds to try but I don't think they are working or maybe I am making myself resistant to them. My new time frame with my Therapist has increased to 2 hours now and they seem to be getting harder and more revealing. As we talk the feelings of shame and guilt flood over me and I begin to feel like the child and not the adult. Shaking and weeping like a big baby uncontrollably. I try to hold myself but it does not help. Then she gives me the tappers as she tries to bring me back to a calm state. When I leave all those emotions get stirred up and things that I did not remember begin to surface and I find myself with nowhere to unleash my brain and the anxiety that follows.
Wanting and desiring to be alright I find I am not. Trying to control my thoughts to stay on a positive balance seems impossible. Two steps forward and 5 steps backward. The body keeps the score is really true, If I become too relaxed I physically feel my body react, I feel as if someone is there but they are not. It is very frightening. Yet I must wait till my next session to talk about it but by that time there is so much other ground to cover. Am I spinning my wheels and going nowhere, or will it pay off after a while? I think that maybe I am a hand full for her. She is still grasping for a diagnosis. Meanwhile, she just says that you have so much trauma and dysfunctional things from birth to now that it is a lot to treat. I think that some of this contributes to being sickly as I am and have always been.
Someone said fake it till you make it!! My outlet of thoughts. Maybe should not be telling this😞
@scarletPear1945 I know there aren't really any words of comfort that are of much help right now. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Pear. I light a candle for you and in honor of his memory. I send you strength ❤️
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
You just don't know how much you mean to me❤️
@scarletPear1945 It means alot to me that you would say that ❤
I hope that you're able to get some rest tonight. You're still in my thoughts
@scarletPear1945 You've been in my thoughts. So I hope you don't mind but I wanted to check in and see how you are. I know you've been struggling with so much lately
@mytwistedsoul
I am trying so hard to be the best self I can but my efforts seem so futile. Even ventured off into becoming a room supporter, to a project agent. Just wanting to give back some of the love and support I was given. But I suck. Stress at home is mounting and I am about to hit the 70-year-old mark. All I want is to not live the rest of my life unhappy and stressed out and broke down for the lack of support here at home and the only family I have. Yet I can't leave for reasons I won't discuss here. Attempting to make myself believe I am happy and content here, lying to myself. Realizing that I am using my husband for what I have makes me feel even more undeserving of Peace and happiness. Too old to start over. Maybe happiness was never in the plan of the Creator for me because this has been one heck of a ride from the beginning till now. How do you try to encourage others when your own is in shambles? To me that is fraud. Yet where is the integrity in telling the truth when the truth just hurts more? Tired of the same story. Yet I keep trying to be better.
@scarletPear1945 Oh Pear ❤ I don't think you suck at all. It takes alot of courage to do the things here that you're doing. I admire you for doing those things. A room supporter requires you to be on your toes in case there are problems and to become a project agent? That sounds like a pretty big deal to me. I hope maybe you can take just alittle moment to allow yourself alittle pride for doing those things - it shows how hard you're trying. It shows how hard you KEEP trying and that says so much about you
To encourage and support others when you're going through your own things says alot about your strength and it gives you better understanding into what others are going through. If doing these things bring you comfort I see no harm in it. It shows what a good heart you have. To want to give back here what you have received - just needs you to be you. The fact that you're doing your best and trying to do even better? That is inspiring to people. It shows perseverance and it does give people hope
I know these words probably don't bring you much comfort and they don't make things any better or easier for you. My words don't want to come out right. But I see the good you're doing - others do too. I am so glad I met you and had the chance to get to know you alittle - you're more special and important than you know ❤
I hope I didn't say anything to upset you - I only mean good things here for you. A glimpse of you through what I see ok?
I'm sending you a big hug and I hope that even if its just for alittle - that you'll be gentle with yourself and your thoughts - even if its just for tonight ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Like I said you are so sweet and you always have kind words to say and I am thankful to have you here as well as many others.❤️❤️
@mytwistedsoul
You have in no wise upset me with your words. I appreciate your input, I really do.
I hate that I have allowed the enemy of my past to keep bring fear into my life. I attempted to take a position as Room Supporter, which was violated by a Listener, and that triggered me and caused me to back up and ask myself, am I crazy trying to take on this role when I struggle so much with feeling safe. I do not want to put anyone in an uncomfortable place but I think people just don't think hard enough about the actions we take toward one another and it is sad. Using our authority to try and exploit one another is wrong. My case was handled but it should not have happened in the first place, and I don't like to be rude to others. I do not like conflict. We must learn that this should be a place where all people can come and not be victimized. Not everyone can handle their ish. I am not cut out to be that type of leader which probably makes me a weak person. I have a whole lot of work to do on myself to walk in those tall shoes. I am not defeated just delayed a bit.❤️
@scarletPear1945 I don't think that it makes you weak, these roles are hard! My hands were shaking and it was hard to type my first times as room supporter! I get nervous doing it. It triggers me at times too. I thought about giving up and PM'd one of the leaders who was able to help me thru it. I have seen your responses to people here and I think that they are very good and supportive.
@scarletPear1945 It doesn't make you weak at all ❤ I'm glad it was handled and I agree - it should have never happened in the first place. This is supposed to be a place of support and encouragement. There shouldn't be anyone adding to anyone's fears. There's ways of handling things constructively with out making anyone question their trying to help out. I'm sorry that happened to you
Tbh - the chats make me nervous just as a member joining in. I don't think I'd be able to do anything like that - I think it's really awesome that you did. Maybe you aren't ready to walk in those shoes just yet but you tried them on and that to me is awesome!
I really like what you said at the end - you haven't been defeated - just a bit delayed. I can see that when the time comes and you want to try it again - you are gonna go in like a boss ❤ just like your GIF - I betcha
Hey Diary: Today Oct.6th
I am feeling really kind of pissed off. maybe for no reason, yet My emotions are there.
First of all, I am sick with the flu or Covid. not sure which as I had not been able to find anywhere close to get tested. I have been sick for several days now running a fever and chills and just can't seem to stop sneezing. I asked my husband to go to the store and get me some rock and rye for colds and yes it is alcohol. He is a minister but he refused to go. He has got this for me before after recommendations
of being good to break flu symptoms. Yes, he has every right to refuse to go but because he and my daughter go everywhere they want and come back home and compromise my health makes me extremely angry. They just don't seem to take the fact that I have a compromised immune system regardless of me reminding them. When we got Covid before my daughter brought it into us. Will they not be happy till they kill me off?
I jumped in my car and went and got the stuff myself, now he is wandering around in the kitchen checking out what I am doing and just watching me. I want to cuss him out but am reframing. Keeping my mouth shut for the safety of everyone.
What am I suppose to think or feel? It hurts to know that your family really only is important when they can use you to their benefit.
Maybe this is a product of my faulty thinking. When they are sick I take care of them because I care it is automatic. No if and or but's.
I hope you feel better soon. Try to take good care of yourself ❤
@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry to intrude again. I just wanted to say you've been in my thoughts and I hope you're feeling better
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you❤️ I did not have Covid just the flu. I am feeling a lot better but at night things get bad again. Yet not as it was last week. Overall I am ok. Taking everything I can get my hands on to get well. When I feel better I better run and get that Covid booster shot. My immune system has never been very good. I think I got my wake-up call during this sickness that maybe I am ready to let go of my nonexistent marriage.
Getting to old to keep the madness going. Yet I know that is not possible right now
@scarletPear1945 You're welcome ❤ I'm glad you're feeling better. Night time is hard in alot of ways for alot of things - pain - thoughts - memories and sickness. Maybe when you're feeling bad at night you could curl up with a cup of hot tea and a soft blanket? Maybe watch a movie or read? Try to do little things that bring you comfort
Take good care of yourself - be gentle -with yourself and your thoughts
Sending you good vibes :)
@scarletPear1945 Hey :) You popped into my thoughts this evening - I hope you're still feeling better and you're doing ok ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for thinking about me. That means so much when I have had no one. My sister from birth and her daughter and son spent a few days with me and my daughter. It was special because we had not seen one another in like 25 years and that was only because I found them and my birth mom and connected to them, or tried to but I was rejected. This was the first time in my life that a sister came to visit me. I treated them like royalty and pampered them in a way they will never forget. Now after being here they expressed the peace and serenity they experienced here and we are planning they come back for ThanksGiving
She informed me of all the abuse she had gone through with my birth mom, and she has never had help with it and she cried and my heart went out to her. She remembers me trying to get my mother to let me keep her but my mom said no. Between the two of us, we have torn down a generational curse of incest, illiteracy, and alcoholism.
For that, I give God much Glory and Praise.
@scarletPear1945 You're welcome ❤️ I guess I just know what it's like to have noone too - so it's nice to hear when we've been in someone's thoughts
Wow - I mean just wow :) I can imagine the joy you must have felt and hopefully still feel. To be reunited with her after so much time and being rejected at first. I am so happy for you to have this - especially now when it felt like you had noone. To be given this opportunity is truly glorious and I can absolutely believe you were a wonderful host to her and her daughter. It is wonderful that you're planning on spending Thanksgiving together! Something to be truly grateful for!
I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that you've both found each other again - that in doing so you've broken the curse. That you were both able to validate one another and the suffering you both went through - to give voice to the pain and suffering - to find your voices and break the silence. I hope this leads you both to much more time spent together - getting to know one another better - to a brighter future - and towards healing. You both deserve it ❤️