Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

@mytwistedsoul Figured I better say something to take it off the needs reply list -

So everyone has their boxes checked ;) - the canned responses are kind of insulting anyway tbh

Spent time trying to justify the need for this place - Idk - maybe just the fact that it's here - available - A safe place - please lets keep this a safe place

@mytwistedsoul I guess its not much of a safe place anymore is it? When the things you write just upset people or get used against you. I get tired of being reminded that my feelings are unacceptable. Guess it's good I don't say how I really feel anymore. Last weeks lesson finally pounded it home for me so - got it! Won't forget again

Should I say I'm sorry? I didn't do anything wrong except open my mouth and say how I felt about something

I know some of the silence comes from the messages recieved in the past - the times that things were - told - the fact that there was a price to pay for opening your mouth. What happens at home stays at home - The times she would ask if you had anything to say and she would back hand you if you did. The times she would grab your jaw and squeeze so hard it left bruises - an inch from your face and ask if you had anything to say now - the pound of flesh she took for disloyalty - for breaking the silence

You keep quiet because noone can or will help you - noone will believe you anyway - because she is such an upstanding person - too bad her kid is such a problem - she needs a heavy hand

The inner RQ - repeats these messages - she feeds the anxiety - the insecurity - tells me - things. Attention seeking - which I guess - Idk - we all want to be heard - right? I get tired of being that blip on the screen - feeling like an after thought - an inconvenience - having my jaw clenched so tight sometimes - it aches for hours afterwards

Here it is again - that draw to pull back. Be quiet. Idk - maybe I'm too sensitive. Why does it seem like - Idk - it didn't really matter

Anger has been an issue today. Anger is uncomfortable. Urges are an issue. Thought about a listener - again -but oh man - Idk. Never good luck with them - but it is tempting sometimes

Its like there's a dam holding all the words back. The ones that manage to slip over get swept away with the current - I got no chance - there are the defective words - the harsh words - those are usually pretty easy to catch

If I told you I'm a monster - would you believe me? What if I told you thats how I truely see myself sometimes? You would probably disagree and I would probably say I'm sorry for feeling that way - Idk - some days it seems like thats all I do

Idk - I just - don't. Thought I did but I'm usually wrong

So let's post and panic and regret that anything was said - because lets be honest - I don't think my words mean much

Suddenly it dawns on you - Like a lightening bolt and you can't help but think - How could I have been so stupid? It's not really about whats real here is it? It's all about the forced positivity - happy happy. Look at the wheel and figure out what emotion you're feeling - it's ok to feel a bunch of different ones - but maybe keep the bad ones to yourself - yeah? Noone really wants to hear about them - they make everyone else feel bad too. Oh - I'm sorry - those are all the wrong answers - A pat on the head - here's a lolly and a sticker for being such a sport about it and playing along. If you don't mind - it doesn't matter - right? Ok - I can play that way

Big BIG Smiles everybody - put on your game face!

How disappointing to realize she was right all along

Silence - what we have here - is a failure to communicate
Lost count of all the times - I've come in here - wrote stuff out - only to delete it all. Even tried it through note pad on the laptop and phone - write things down and delete it all. I guess I've silenced myself - not without help though - I can't take all the credit

How many times have people dismissed you and what you're going through or have gone through - How many times have people asked if it's another rough day - not just a rough day - but ANOTHER rough day - It makes you feel - well like crap, makes you hold your words and just silently plug along - pay me no mind - I'm just passing through - I'll try to be as unintrusive as possible

You turn into a ghost - Oh you have your useful moments where people might summon you because they're having a bad day - Maybe you'll lend an empathetic ear - some kind words - because that's just how you are. The thing is - after awhile those words leave too - Maybe they feel like they have no weight - they feel and sound empty to you - maybe you need to hold onto them for yourself. Maybe after having all your other words dismissed and discarded - maybe you feel they just aren't worth much to share

Man they are just really messing with this site lately - the accessabilty button freaks me out.

Um - let's go for a walk

I caught myself thinking how on my profile I say about how I'd like to like myself better - that profile was created shortly after we joined I think - Idk tbh - I think thats the one thing here that is still sort of in our control that we can make changes to. It kind of a shame alot of people don't really use it because it's sort of like the feed - Man I still miss the feed

So I guess I kind of realized that I still don't like myself - I'm maybe more tolentant of myself? Maybe thats the word. It's not an all the time thing - I still don't like to look in mirrors - I don't like - the deadness in those eyes sometimes - so You just don't look

Idk - I thnk alot is depression but then anxiety pops up out of no where sometimes - it hit alittle bit ago. Figured I'd go up stairs quick and the fourth step from the landing allways creaks and there it was - Then tip toe through the rest of the house - good thing you can go outside from upstairs but - wow - I thought I was gonna have a panic attack til I got outside. Now - shaky - shaky all the freaking time - makes it hard to do things when your hands shake - Idk - kind of like the depression got an espresso lol A quick pick me up

Hmm - thoughts scatter - cookies - it rains inside sometimes - if we're all sad. That comes out of no where sometimes too - Like now lol! Just mention sadness and you feel a prick at your eyes and a tear escapes - I don't like that - Sometimes when I'm typing and I ask a question - I write the answer instead of what I was typing before and just like that your head feels full and focus goes out the window - and time passes - 20 minutes? 30 - an hour - two - maybe a day - maybe longer - sucks

Now I can't focus - too many different thoughts - Bastille? If the one A is pre other A - lol -Idk *break*

I get nervous talking about things - certain things - some is embarrassment sometimes - fear - alot of fear - people can be cruel - I think sometimes I'm a magnet to those people sometimes - which - Idk - I can't help but think there's just something that gets their attention - they - Idk - it's allmost like they have to see if they can break you farther - make you completely snap. Do they look at you and see a victim? Is that - it? Idk - there's more thoughts on that but alarms are going off - lol

post and panic before it's deleted :)

Everytime you step away from distractions - they only show what you'll never be. Stitch me up and feed me all of your lies

I feel sick. My thoughts are poison. I'm nothing. I'm reminded all the time. I'm not sure why I keep bothering here. I thought - maybe. You know what - in the end it doesn't really matter what I think does it? The anger that flared so hot last night has been smothered by the blanket of depression that's kept on hand for such times. The truth looms right in my face - you cant deny what you see sometimes no matter how hard you try. And I see - god do I see. It's been so painfully obvious for such along time but it was ignored - denied. Learned from the best on that subject. Lie and deny. We were taught to be obedient - compliant. Do as you're told - no questions asked. You know what's expected of you J

I just didn't think it would hurt so much

Sometimes you go from being completely exhausted to terrified in the time it takes to crawl in bed

She's cold. I think maybe she allways was. She doesn't see people as they are - she sees them for what they can do for her. What she can get from them - she allways claimed the opposite though. People wanted her things and everyone was trying to take things from her

She never smiled at you. There were no stories - no fairy tales. No singing - no silliness. No tucking in at night. No I love yous - oh she could point out how you screwed up her life. How if it wasnt for you she could have done this or done that. Apparently she had big plans but then you happened

Quick to anger - quick to hit. Whatever was on hand - if she had nothing - she would improvise. A wrong answer could get you back handed - unless - Idk - sometimes she delayed punishment. You would sometimes have a false sense of security and think she let it go. You learned real quick that wasnt the case - she just needed to give it some thought

The ultimate actress - she could turn on the tears in an instant and make anyone believe her. How well she played people. Lead them to believe that you were a troubled kid and needed a heavy hand. And they would agree with her! They never saw the behavior she claimed you displayed but she could convince them because she lived with you and you were the one who was playing people. They didn't see the horrible things you did - didn't hear the horrible things you said to her. You were just an evil child. A liar and a thief. One who would never amount to anything. Probably end up in jail or dead by the time you were 18 -

Don't like talking about her

Today is her birthday

@mytwistedsoul should have sent her a sympathy card lol

He doesn't like to be touched. Some days it's not as bad and its only when he's cleaning or working on something. If the dogs or the cat brushes against him - he will move them away until he's done. He's never mean or upset about them touching him. It's more of a now is not the time thing. But there are times when he needs their closeness to feel safe. They have a dog pile. Colors feel a certain way on his skin. Some colors are avoided. There are times though when touch is acidic and sounds are corrosive. Sensory overload - eyes shut tight - hands over ears. He makes himself as small as possible and rocks. Slowly - rhythmically. It soothes him He doesn't meet anyone's eyes. Not even the therapist that gives him lollies. Why? Because someone told him the eyes are the window to the soul. He's afraid to see the souls of bad people. He's afraid to have people see his own. Afraid of the hate he'll see.

He doesn't talk much but he has so much to say. He writes poems - uses them as his outlet. He used to share them here - but he's been afraid lately to bring them here. Afraid of people in general - we need to get this back for him

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to write about him - I'm not sure why the tears kicked in. It's been awhile for them

monster

cruel

sick

I'm tired

Tbh - Idk - One minute I think it's ok - I'm ok and the next - there's just so much going on in my head it feels like it's gonna blow up. Too many thoughts - too many emotions - I'm having hard time staying focused and keeping connected is taking more effort then it should. Idk - picture a tach when you rev the engine - the rpms - the rise and fall of the needle. Thats what it feels like right now. Shaky -hands - especially - I catch myself allmost wringing them and I have laugh - because it seems funny and I'm not sure why

And I think - I'll talk to someone but then pul back - if I pause for too long - I can feel it start to slip and I catch it - keep away from the grey - time slips away

And then just as soon as I think i'll write things out - there's that strong urge to just be quiet. Just shut up J. And then the wonderful pinpricks at the corners of your eyes - the tell tale sign tears are on the way - catch that and shove it back. A thought comes through - do you feel safe? Idk - I don't feel scared but I don't feel safe - does that makes sense?

I have a headache but not a bad one - it's like it's on mute - there in the back ground but not really doing anything Idk - once again I don't think I know all that much of anything

Does everything have to be so complicated all the time?

Sometimes an image comes into my head. It's nothing but a blur of bright colors - mostly bright - some are more dull - lifeless. But the image is - smeared - I have no idea what it is but it causes such a reaction - it's crazy. That feeling hits - that one you get if you miss a step - that feeling in your gut - ya know? And the anxiety just goes off the charts - a feeling of fear - great fear

It takes awhile to get it under control - like trying to rein in a wild horse

Influence has been an issue today. And ive lost count of have many times I've been told how cruel and ugly I am - a blight on humanity and the anxiety settles to depression and sometimes I wonder if she's right

@mytwistedsoul

i totally know what you mean, i feel like an inconvenience sometimes, but by me replying it's obvious that you're not! people like helping people they love

@mytwistedsoul

i totally know what you mean, i feel like an inconvenience sometimes, but by me replying it's obvious that you're not! people like helping people they love

And the memories roll in and I wonder if there's something wrong with me that I don't feel anything about it this time. Maybe it's just a delayed reaction

To know that she would loan us out to relatives for chores and how they would take anything you said and twist it - made it sound like you were talking bad about her and they would report it to her. Everyone did this - everyone threw us under the bus to make themselves look better. Every f**king member of the family

My god what is her superpower? To hold so much over everyone to turn them all against a kid - a child - her kid - why me? Did anyone have any moments of regret? Did it prick their conscience as they lay in their comfortable beds? Did it make them add alittle extra to the collection plate at church? Is that why some of them have started going? To get right with god? There is no god - you may as well wish on a star

Woke in a panic 2:30 - just like every morning. Nightmares you don't fully remember about things you never forget

Trying to work through somethings - feel like I'm failing splendidly lol. Is there a point where you push so much down that it becomes unreachable? Or is it so crushed under the weight of everything else it becomes unrecognizable?

There's times when I feel silly and playful but at the same time - that side feels allmost painful. Like - physically painful - mixed with disgust sort of - Idk. Like - Maybe it's not acceptable. Maybe that sounds weird

Just realized how shaky hands are today. Everything feels shaky and I'm not sure why

Do you find yourself sometimes on the edge of panic? You're not sure how you got there or why you're there. So you rein it in and ground yourself. Everything seems ok and you continue on - only to find yourself there again a few minutes later. Deep breaths - close your eyes - listen - hear the birds - the woodpeckers - the sparrows and chickadee. The obnoxious blue jays. Open your eyes - focus on the butterfly bush - see the butterflies go from flower to flower - breath deep and smell their fragrance. In with the good - out with bad. We are calm - we are safe

We will not lose our shit today

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day. I think it waa probably been awhile since I was that social. It hit last night - the drain. Idk - should socializing take so much out of you?

For the past week there's been a problem on my mind - and I thought I had it figured out but the solution I had felt so wrong. Nothing is set it stone right? So why do things still feel conflicted? Why do both feel wrong? Doing it causes issues - what if not doing it causes issues too? Why does everything have to be over thought all the time? What if someone gets hurt and its somehow my fault? I try to be so careful with what I say - how I say it but what if just being here causes problems? What if? What if?

I wish - Idk - I wish I could listen to what I tell other people and have it straighten things out that I can just leave it - not the back and forth crap all the freaking time

Why do I have to feel restless? That crawl out of your body feeling. Idk maybe my soul is tired of it - I get tired of this body too sometimes. Maybe they weren't made for each other

I get really tired of the influence

Sometimes I think I say too much - Idk it better to keep my thoughts to myself

If I'm honest - this hurts. Shunned is the word that comes to mind. Seems the ones who should be the most open minded - aren't

For all they claim to know - they seem to have forgotten how to treat people

If I'm honest with myself - I should leave. I'm one of the bad ones here. The reason for rules and regulations. Thinking - what? That I'm helping? You can't explain or reason with close minded people. It doesn't even feel welcoming here. I'll be the one to f*ck things up - at least I'm smart enough to know that

Very full head and uncontrollable emotions tonight. Hate when it's like this. It's not so much that there's too much on the plate. It's all just so heavy. Everytime it seems as though something is being cleared away something else get a put on it. Something just as heavy. It's hard to make a decision because theres so much internal conflict. SH is an issue again. Just putting that here for accountability. Think maybe a shut down is coming. Nobody wants to deal with this sh*t. Just so tired of everything . Too many fires not enough water. And no where to dump the ashes and somewhere Idk wtf happened? The RQs play ground now

shouldn't be here :(

I type - I delete. In the end we say nothing. Why? There's often so many thoughts in this head and I used to share them more willingly. But then this happen and a cord was severed and then that happened and another cord was gone. I feel as though I have no voice anymore. Nothing with any clarity. Just mumble most days. Incoherent. Some days they're allmost foreign. Are we so used to being out of sight and out of mind that this is it? Forever and a day?

It's bad enough to have the mental and emotional pain but then the physical kicks in. That takes it to a new level because it hard to keep moving when it hurts to move

I think maybe I missed a memo somewhere. The one where it says to do as I say not as I do. The one where some bad behavior is ok as long as it's not aimed towards the authorities. Be yourself - just not like that

It's too early for this

It feels as though my heart is being ripped from my chest. The depression at times leaves me listless - the house could be on fire and I would burn with it. Other times - the anxiety has my heart doing funny things and my hands shake - but the thoughts - the thoughts kill me - slowly. This is what I get - partial punishment for all of my sins. I'm not sure what they all are but I bet someone is keeping score

There's anger too - and an urge to rail and rage at what ever unseen force is behind all of the creation of the world - and I hate - it's consuming sometimes and threatens to eat me alive. And yet - sometimes I wish it just would

I worry - maybe we scare people away sometimes. I worry - about everything. From inside I hear - it's just a dog - but she's not - she's my friend. She has never hurt anyone and so clever - god she's so smart. She knows what toys you ask for by name - she knows to help look for her sister when I ask where she is. She knows when I hurt - she talks - lol. i know that sounds funny but we have conversations - her barks and growls replies to things we say or ask

K - is hurting. Usually is just anger from him but he is hurting. Hello my loves - he says to them. Foreheads touch and quiet words whispered to them - just for them

I need a walk - I need to quiet my heart

Yesterday I felt nothing - was calm and fairly level headed I guess. Mostly numb - I guess. Now - the depression is creeping in. Ang again the d**n tears. Do you want something to cry about? No thanks - I have enough allready

The days are mixed up. For what ever reason I thought it was later in the week. Time is relative I guess. So is safety too for that matter. Guess it all depends on your perspective

He was crying. It broke my heart to see it because he's usually a happy kid. The joker. He wanted to know what they would do to her after she was gone. The RQ - was telling him - the horrible things they would do. It took some time to get him calmed down - to explain that they wouldn't do the things she was saying they would - that they would treat her just as gently as they do any other time. K was beyond p*ssed. Hunted her down and told her she had better mind her tongue. She can be so cruel

I'm really not doing too bad at the moment - the problem is at night sometimes - allthough sometimes it's all day too lol
Intrusive thoughts are an issue - especially at night when I close my eyes - the thoughts and images come hard and fast sometimes and it feels as though we'll drown in them

I feel - Idk - there's alot of blame. I should have noticed something sooner - I'm not sure how but I feel I should have seen some sign. She was at the vets in February though for a check up - maybe they should have seen something too

Today is a good day for her - She's resting comfortably - was washing her feet earlier. The day before was a bad day for her - one that actually had me reaching for the phone a few times. She was shivering - her ears and her feet felt cold - her belly felt cold. But we sat with her on her bed and covered her up with a blanket and the shivering stopped - we wondered if it's making her thermostat alittle wonky - I guess it's possible anyway. One day I'll have to share some funny stories

For the most part - Idk - theres alot of changes here that lead me to be quiet - some is the anxiety - others is the depression. I have noticed alot of things here though the past week and I can't help but wonder how many others notice it too - and I wonder if the powers that be notice and if they even care and then I wonder why I care myself. Guess it's just something for me to worry about thats beyond my control lol - why not everything else is

May as well post and regret this - :)

Times when it gets like this I swear I'm just going crazy. Too many different thoughts and emotions. Some seem irrational. All just fleeting. Thoughts come and just as quick are gone and I can't seem to recover them. Times when I have so much to say but the words just won't make sense. The intrusive thoughts so strong there has to be a distraction. Sometimes as soon as I try to sleep and I have to get up and move. Hatred at times for the face in the mirror. More thoughts about what should be done with it. And I worry about coming in here because I feel like I need to be my own cheerleader with how something is written. At times there's so much to feel you just tremble at the power of it. And shame for being so weak. Shame for who you are. Shame because you can never be who you want to be. Shame for who you need to be and can't. Because you aren't you. You're a million other things but you aren't you. Do you even know who you are? I don't. I don't have a f*cking clue. I don't even know - what I was going to say s**t

Anger seems to be an issue the last few hours and I have no idea where it's coming from. I watch the hands because they don't feel like mine. Teeth and jaw hurt from having them clenched so tight and it's ok. You know why it's ok? Because you said so

Now if my head would stop pounding

Sleep - yes please

If I'm honest - I see myself as a great source of disappointment. Fundamentally defective - comes to mind. Maybe thats why there's anger - just anger at myself for lacking - everything and it makes me feel like I should apologize for that

I have to be careful of what I write and make sure to re-read it because there's some issues with influence and inserting things that shouldn't be

There was alot of dissociation over the weekend - the Queen was screaming inside my head - loud enough to rattle the windows - How Long J? Over and over and she laughs - laced with insecurities she allways gets the best of me. If I dissociate - I can't hear her and I can calm myself. It's funny how breathing works sometimes - how you don't notice it's getting away from you until it's too late and you're practically gasping for air. I know she fuels alot of the urges to isolate - to be silent. She tells me what my words are worth and reminds me of how big a failure I am

I see titles for threads that make me laugh sometimes. What fictional character would you be - lol. Let's not go there - none of it is legitimate anyway right? None of them should exist - so you and you go. There! Whew - glad that's done

Anger - the emotion for all seasons. It lives in me constantly. Makes me anxious. Even just writing here now - had to get up and walk away for alittle. Worried about being snarky - there's new rules and Idk - I'm getting things wrong and I care but don't about getting in trouble. Alot of conflict there - I mean - Idk - I think this is me and if I can't be me - then what's the point and there's the depression. Which for some reason feeds the anger and makes me anxious at the same freaking time. It like you're on the edge of completely losing your sh*t but you're holding on to control by your fingernails. You do what you have to do - because it's all up to you

Lol - poof - gone and back - hate when that happens. Man she makes my head hurt

Sometimes there's so much swirling inside. The emotions - the words - the thoughts - makes you feel sick. Your head doesn't really hurt - it just feels full - like pressure building. No relief valve. It leaves you feeling shaky - off balance - off kilter - unhinged - to quote someone else. Your heart feels like it wants to burst out of your chest - you half wonder if you should help it out. Damn deceitful thing that it is. Your mind slips away but it doesnt go to the grey. It goes - Idk - it's a dark place - anger all around - angry voices - feeds the sickness - steals your breath - feels uncomfortable but so unbelievably - Idk - deserved - right? Maybe Idk - it just is - whatever it is - should probably tuck it in though - out of sight