Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels

I always was interested in child development, but keep finding more information on attachment styles. I still can't exactly pin point which one I have and I guess I can see why.. just saw Kati Morton's video on it, and a light went on in my head. Disorganized attachment. All over the place, one day avoidant another day ambivalent another day secure, like 'confused'. Yes. That is me! That was me a child also! I had problems connection to people I was close to, which made people criticize me "you see them everyday, so why don't you feel comfortable" type of questions.

So I went to read more on in it and seems like it's the typical, it causes:

Trust issues (check)

Acting out or acting in (check, self-harm and anger outbursts)

Magical thinking (CHECK) - this one I didn't know could have anything to do with it. If I do this, then no one will get hurt nor leave. If something is out of place then my dad is going to get home angry, so I'd go in and check if all was in place. If it's raining on a special ocasion then someone is going to get mad at me, this was a big one as a kid.. if it rained on my birthday I would get scared people would hate me or if it rained when I was supposed to meet a friend. If I forget my charm bracelet someone is going to leave or if I forget my watch then something bad is going to happen. And this 'always' happens but when I get closer to people it's when they REALLY kick in. If I get a close or best friend, then they're like every day 24/7 at the worst

Feelings of emptiness or depression (CHEEECK since like 8-10 years old)

And still I wonder.. did it all really happen?

Mother's day is this sunday, at least here. I am basically avoiding mentioning it or it as a whole. I am avoiding going shopping these days because for the past 3 weeks all I see is stickers on stores about mother's day and in every stores. I am talking even baby clothes stores which is stupid, if you ask me. I mean, putting aside the problems I have with my relationship with my mother, I hate when people making a whole drama around dates just to sell things. So this is something I never really understood, I understand the feeling of giving but when giving because only about others knowing you gave, I feel it's not important.

But over the years I've realized people put the double of pressure in two different 'special days'. Valentine's and Mother's day, which makes me angry. As a kid I would have people (teachers, aunts) reminding me for days or weeks on mother's day and how I should make a gift and a card and whatever. It caused me anxiety, I didn't know it then, but I see it now. Maybe I mentioned it before, but when I was 9-12 years old I used to ask my dad to go with my buy her a gift the week before. I would usually end up crying and shaking, looking for the perfect gift and would get overwhelmed in 2 seconds. It went from "I want to buy the perfect gift" to "what if she hates it". Most times my dad would just tell me "how about this, how about a shirt, even if she doesn't like it it's intent that counts". When I was 12 was first time he said "go on your own", I was used to buying stuff on my own so since I had cathecism that sunday morning, right after went to the supermarket to buy something

The supermarket was full. I had to leave about 3 times, because I started getting dizzy and hyperventilating. I didn't know what an anxiety attack was at the time, I felt I was a freak who couldn't handle shopping, and after about 1 or 2 hours I bought something, got it wrapped, went to my grandfathers house and gave it to her. A beautiful set on candle cups. I never saw it, it went hidden inside a cabnit for about 4 years. Then, on my confirmation when we did a party, I found it on top of our table and my mother bragged to everyone how I gave her it.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Expecting someone to love something I spent hours and days planning. Maybe I care too much. Last year I didn't buy anything, I think my dad said for us to bring her favorite chocolate, she didn't even eat it. This year I won't either.

I just have to say this. I know I overreact. But yesterday I realized I am not only one to know my mother overreacts for attention. My dad got angry last night, and for good reason. She got ill last weekend, was careless at her workplace (she works in cleaning, but is stubborn and thinks can use powerful cleaning chemicals without a mask in close spaces). Like always, we helped her, bought her medicine, made her tea. But my dad started getting angry when noticed she was not caring about taking care of her health, asking for medication she didn't take, walking barefoot and opening all windows with cold. May seem like not much, but considering it's not once or twice she gets worse to point she has to go to hospital, and we get looked at like we don't care for her health..

So last night he got frustrated. I got ill too, I catched it from her because that's how my immune system works, I get sick easily but I try to handle it and look after it. I am feeling somewhat better now, more it's the fatigue and sore throat. My dad went to pick me up from class and saw I was completely weak and pale, and started saying "I'm getting done with this"

At night he just started yelling "I am done, if you get worse you bet I will drop you off in front of the doctor's office and then you deal with it" "Don't come crying to me if you get ill again, don't come begging for medication or care, I am done - you don't listen, I don't help"

I just started to remember how it was when I was a child. Her taking painkillers behind his back, me telling my dad whenever I saw her hiding pills, the yelling over it, him saying "this is why you're always ill". We didn't have painkillers at home unless someone got a prescription (and a syrup one for children, until I was 12 - she didn't take it). Problem is her friends give her all pills she wants and even more, we keep finding boxes. At this point, we stopped caring. I mention all the time the danger of abusing painkillers, casually and she replies with "I KNOW, I had stomach issues over it" but in a 'I learned my lesson' type of way. I make sure to do it while she's grabbing a box. My dad does too. Mentioning how her heart problems, her stroke years ago, her stomach 'ulcer', her digestive problems, everything she complains she has, come from those. She thinks we say it because it's cute, not because we care.

When she starts making the 'i'm so sick' type of sigh, I avoid her. I don't even go into the same room. Yesterday she got home, forcing her cough to make it sound like she was sicker. I had spent that morning in bed, in pain. I was curled over my desk trying to study, but having trouble breathing and she basically sighing over how sick she was, and first thing she told me was

"I thought I was going to die, I was coughing so bad"

Anyone that sees me say this may think "oh well she may not be faking". I've lived with her for over 2 decades, believe me I know she is. And it's not faking, this is exagerating. She does fake, but it's mostly exagerating. And her friends say 'it's real' and most family too, but it doesn't take long to realize she does it for attention. Not 'to get help' type of attention, which I think it's the good type of attention, not going to say I never did stuff to get help.. But the 'look at me look at me' type of attention, which is the bad type

Maybe this isn't trauma, you know.. Maybe it isn't, it doesn't seem like it. But if there's a way a mother pretending she's dying over and over for attention when you're just a child who lost all mother figures to death, be a trauma.. well, then it's this one. And right now, I'm completely numb to it, I think if she did collapse in front of me, I'd shurg my shoulders and dial the emergency services numbers all cool and breezy, while taking my time, maybe even letting it go. I am that numb to it. It's not good, but you know what.. She called wolf way too many times, and didn't care about our tips on how to avoid the big bad wolf

Somethings I rarely mention.. even in therapy

My mother says that when she and my dad started dating, she refused having sex and he got so angry he punched a wall and walked away to avoid hurting her. According to her, it made a hole in the wall

My dad has told stories that when he was a teen (he lived on a farm) his neighbors would call him to kill the animals such as for food. I think it's key to mention they did it because or else they wouldn't have food, so they got used to it as kids.. poor families. One time a women asked him to kill some kittens she couldn't keep. In his words he blocked out emotions and just did what she asked. I had shivers when he said this

After my first cat died due to a terminal illness, he got really hurt and even cried. Forbid me from getting a new cat. After a year I asked again, I needed some company and we got one. The cat was ill, and the vet appointments were getting too expensive plus my parents were getting upset from his constantly bitting us while playing. He threatened to abandon it. One morning I woke up and saw the cat was missing. He casually said "I left him in a rich neighborhood, someone will feed him. But won't tell you where so you don't go get him" and then went to work. I broke down crying that entire day. This was probably 2 years ago

He hit me once with an umbrella because I had broken my second one in two months. I was 9 years old. He also threatened to hit me with a belt if I lost another mechanical pencil, he later said was a joke. Let's just say he grabbed his belt and slightly tapped it on my hand as a "reminder"

I used to get my arm pinched if I didn't write perfect letters when in primary school. This isn't something I always remember. His punishments were also me declaring the multiplication tables perfectly or he'd start screaming, sometimes I was crying and shaking while standing up straight and saying them one after one. If I made a mistake, had to start over from the very beginning. I once got slapped for not washing the dishes the way he wanted. He told me "first put soap on all, and then rinse" and I would soap and rinse each individually. I had already been pushed into doing the dishes as a punishment, so I was already nervous to begin with

It was weird talking to my dad around my therapist, I'm still deciding if went good or bad, I'm not sure. My therapist had to talk louder to have him listen, because he'd talk over her but only raised his voice towards the end. His views on me seeing a psychiatrist are.. well.. I understand his point, but I was fighting tears at that moment. Half of the session was my therapist trying to make him understand: just because I didn't have what seem like terrible situations, I struggled.

But what shocked me was he did understand some struggles I had, just no in depth. When she asked how the overall family treated me as a child, he sighed and said in a sad tone

"My wife.. she has issues, she always put (my name) in the background, she doesn't do it on purpose but it's just a complicated family. I always did my best in pushing my daughter off that poison, as much as I could at least"

"I don't think my wife understands how (my name) actually feels and goes through, she thinks she knows - but her idea is so basic, she doesn't want to know more"

"As a child I couldn't make her open up with me or her mother, sometimes I tried to force her to share how she felt. She'd block. The only way I could make her tell me what was going on was by forcing, but if I did that, she'd push away. So I stopped forcing and hoped whatever she was going through would go away, teenager stuff. Looking back, I should've forced her to share more"

I was probably 90% of it, completely quiet. Not sitting up straight nor facing him, basically looking at the computer keyboard on the office while they talked, felt like a child. I literally FELT like a CHILD.

But things didn't go bad. He didn't come home angry, we actually went to lunch after it. I think I told him about 10 times, "don't tell mom, don't tell her" and he kept saying "no, don't worry - I know how she'd react". But he also hasn't asked any questions

I don't know what worse. Talking about the problematic stuff and risking losing the only family close relationship and person I can actually talk to.. or not talking about the problematic stuff. He did mention something I haven't ever thought about.. how I am not even close to family members who were always kind to me (true), and act in fear around them

I guess it may come down to how they see the ones who are rude to me (not including my dad in the equation, but like from my mothers side) as saints, sometimes even saying I must have been a lucky kid

Looking back, I think he had a new perspective. But a small one. I wonder if, for someone who always saw my life as easy compared to for examples my mom's or some other adult.. talking generally.. if it's hard when such person finds out it's not like that? And is talking to someone that's pretty much telling them "yes, she didn't almost die at birth, yes she didn't go through poverty - but she went through some difficult stuff that no kid should go through".. is it hard for them to come to terms with it?

Even when I said "my childhood wasn't bad, but I wouldn't say was good to in terms I would wish it on anyone" - he nodded his head and said "true" but that was it. Denial?

I spent yesterday after the session completely numb. Dissociation on and off. Avoided coming home, walking around town. Today woke up feeling like absolute crap. Depression, numbness, all the stuff. Kept losing track of what I had to do, but thankfully throughout the day my "autopilot" kicked in. Now, I'm thinking again. Doesn't help how got worse, in physical health. A lot of people get surprised why I get so sick so frequently, as a kid I had constant flu's and sore throats, and still do

Yeah.. I grew up in an old house with humidity issues that would get flooded every time it rained, and that somehow affected my health lol No joke, that's completely the reason I had to get my tonsils out as a child - it started causing tonsilitis and other infections for months in a row, no medication helps according to my parents and it'd affect my hearing so yeah, thanks to the old house that my mother's family was too dumb to care about fixing. I will one day figure out the science behind it, until then I just have to remember to carry cough drops and be a frequent customer at the pharmacy like always

For years I avoided going by my old middle school. There is a bus I can take some the mall, that it's quicker and goes by that middle school. So whenever had to take it or was in car and my dad would make a 'detour' nearby it, I'd just close my eyes and turn music louder. If I were to look at the building, I'd get flashbacks. This isn't something I ever mentioned to people in real life or therapy, because it's absolutely ridiculous. Since my grandfather's house was near it, when I was in high school and had to visit him after school (forced by my mother) I'd try and take any bus I could to avoid seeing the school. Sometimes had panic attacks. I knew in my mind it was stupid.

Right now that doesn't happen, today I took the bus to that mall and was completely disconnected. Was like it hadn't happen in centuries. But I had some memories of how I would sometimes, after middle school walk on my way to my grandfather's house instead of taking the bus. I would use the 'its to save money' excuse, but it actually made me super exhausted. Since had to carry a 7 kg backpack most times. But I'd use that time to take the longer route, and have all stops I could

It's funny

when was 16 I was afraid I may have developed PTSD over bullying, but always brushed it off. "I'm just too weak". And now that I am 'better' from that one, I have apparently to deal with other traumas and still feel like a fake and too weak. But yeah, you bet I'm absolutely happy to not have those flashbacks anymore. Sometimes I'd wake up in middle of the night after a nightmare (my nightmares were about it a lot) shaking. If someone were to laugh when I entered a room, it was panic attack time and I'd start mumbling "it's coming back again". When my best friend at the time catched me in those times she wasn't sure what was happening

Neither did I

So yeah, I'm so glad I don't go through that anymore, because there was nothing nothing really nothing fun about coming out of those 'catatonic' states per se and feeling completely alienated as to why it happened and what happened

Just gotta love how in denial my mother is, or how much she actually believes I was never hit as a child. She saw it. She knew it so often she'd go in her room when my dad lifted his hand, and not do a thing. Sometimes he got angry because of her and her family, and her making a scene, and to avoid hurting her and be accused of domestic violence - it went towards me. And it's not like my dad denies it, he says was a 'lesson' and mentions it as normal because some people see it as normal or even as a joke.

So to her tell me, in front of my dad "you can consider yourself lucky, you didn't get hit as a child". It's hypocritical. The few times I've told her "that's a lie", she corrects herself "you didn't get hit BY ME"

So what? You like to brag you didn't get hit as a kid either. It's the family joke, she was so well behaved my grandfather didn't have to spank her but her sister would get hit with a belt. Somehow that's okay. Somehow that's a good sign, and still complains when her sister is having problems that do sound like trauma to me. She calls her sister a liar and attention seeker for saying her parents were mean to her. I believed that lie as a kid, that my aunt is just overreacting, a cry-baby, wants attention, is crazy. But being the truth, my grandfather bragging about how spanked her with a belt while she cried, and everyone laughing in front of a dinning table.. Then hugging my mother and say "this one behaved well, didn't even eat - best child ever". Then bragging he never laid a hand on me.

So what??

I am still confused to how my dad replied to my mother this time. He clenched his jaw for a minute while she bragged how I never got hit as a child (I was clenching my hand so bad and digging my nails into my skin while bitting inside of my mouth - now have a mouth ulcer over it, and a painful one) - and then he replied in an angry tone "I did hit her as a child, when she misbehaved" and then stop replying. It was as if he wanted to end the conversation there and then, or was upset she said it.

I got up and went to study. Later that night cried. Since then have had two major breakdowns, one suddenly in the middle of a good day. The day was ACTUALLY going good, and suddenly it hit my mind something about my mother and before I knew it was choking on tears and shivering with panic

Since that one I'm just trying to avoid it, as soon as tears feel like coming, grab my textbooks or get busy. Be it drawing, going on my listener account even though told myself wouldn't, play a game, study, plan my week. I'm delaying it, I feel depression coming but nope

Now it's not a good time

And that is why last week I relapsed in self-harm. Just once but at least it helped. Somehow. I mean feel guilty, who ever wanted to be in their mid twenties and still self-harming, you know? no one

I may breakdown today again. It's just too much, too much

I wish people knew how HARD I am fighting to keep myself together

Avoiding breakdowns by forcing smiles, I have to go back on the medication for my chest pains. Because that's what stress does to me

Can't tell anyone what's going on, so just keep it in so the urges to self-harm don't come back up. It's not like got friends, feel can't bother any listeners anymore, call it paranoia, call it being stupid.

It's not like I can ACTUALLY talk to someone

With an attention-seeker-overly-emotional women for mother, and a cold-only-facts-matter man for father I am stuck between the worst two types of people to go to support. If I were to talk about more 'rational' fears, I know my dad would listen and perhaps help.. my mother on other hand, it's worthless even attempting. Just read previous posts in this thread for evidences A through Z. But it's not rational fears, he doesn't believe in mental illnesses and I can't explain it. I tried to talk to him about it, he shrugged it off.

No one in my family can help either. Most only believe divorced women with 5 kids can be 'depressed' or that something beyond depression is 'crazy'. The only person in my family who could understand is an aunt, who happens to have bipolar (and I think some childhood traumas as well) and she isn't coherent in conversations, plus overly dramatic.. let's just say my family screwed her up so much, there is no meds or professionals able to help her, she is seen as "a failure" even though I think it's just my family's way of saying "we're too stupid to help so we only make it worse by criticizing her and triggering her"

I see her as what I may turn into if I don't get better

I don't want to be like her

I am trying to avoid her daughter from turning into me..

And chances are this is just stress. And in a week or two, when my bigger stress is over, I may be better. Or not. But right now, I am trying to avoid crying and preparing to go to bed. Did the stupid mistake of checking 7cups for notifications and saw that Kate Spade news. I didn't knew much about her and it still affected me. Had to type it out, before I spent a full night awake overthinking. I need a good night of sleep, today I woke up in a hurry - my alarm clock didn't work, so my body has been unwell since morning. And headaches are bad.. Sometimes I wish I was like the others, thinking mental illness is just 'attention seeking' and traumas as 'stupid, people are just too weak'. I do think the people who say that, don't go through it and sometimes ignorance is bliss.. Well, for them - those sentences are not bliss to anyone, but I think you (if anyone reads this) get my point. I make zero sense

Sometimes takes days after a therapy session for me to properly process it. Sometimes it's only when the next one is approaching that I fully understand, as if my brain goes in autopilot after I leave the office and slowly turn it off. And noticed something interesting. When I first started talking to my current therapy, when mentioned my mother she was neutral. Which is good, I hated how my previous one kept making my family a saint, made me hate her. But when I finally opened up, she started validating me which took a while for me to accept. Then started saying what my mother did was emotional manipulation, which was a shock. This was after months of me crying out about familyfamilyfamily. I always expected manipulation to be straight forward.

Then she started to help me see WHY my mother could've acted the way she did. This was last 'state' I guess, which I'm somehow seeing but still hurts. Now it's pretty much validating how I have a right to feel bad, how she plays victims probably because people around her enable her. I nodded when she said that:

"It's like she's a narcissist, but not the typical kind that says it to yourself how she's better. But somehow I feel like she feels it's all about her"

I don't like using narcissist as an adjective, much less never thought of putting narcissist and my mother in same sentence. Because she makes herself a victim. How would anyone so deep into pain see that could manipulation and being self-centered, when is being told it's to pity them? And that's the worst. People DO enable her. They enable this behavior, they see it as okay because she's funny and charismatic. That's the thing. She's charismatic. People love her. All of my friends who had the chance to meet her (because she never got invested on my life, so only met a friend if we happened to find them on street randomly) used to say how they loved her, I had friends ask me to ask her for love life advice. Friends saying "she's an angel, she can cure anything, she has magical hands" (not kidding).

Jeez I never remembered until now how much that hurt. My memory is terrible, can't remember everything. It's like I can remember every detail of when and how got all my clothing items (I don't have a lot so that helps) or small details about people close to me like how they talk or if they smile a lot, but life events? It's like a salad. All thrown in, you cannot just grab apple or orange bits in your spoon - it comes all, but small pieces.

Okay so I guess my mother is self-centered (feel wrong using 'narcissit') and has actually learned to manipulate everyone around her because people enable her. It's full circle again.

Update, though: my mental health has been better these days. A few downs but I'm just letting them come and go, instead of fighting them becaue 'need a reason to feel sad/angry'. Seems to work, but not being that productive. Exams went and gone, results were good, there's a big chance I'll get into college on autumn. Also have been getting into yoga again, if I keep up this habit may purchase a new yoga mat since mine is a bit old. But I feel I need a 'reason' to do it, like a reward. Same as my other "reward" on hold - a new charm for my bracelet. We're just low on money this month, so in July I shall.

What I hate is how my suicide attempt/stay in hospital was traumatizing. I doubt anyone would sit through me saying "yeah so I have a trauma from how I was treated in the ER and medical treatments over my attempt" and not say "well so you shouldn't have attempted it"

I feel bad because I 'got' myself into it. Not directly, I didn't want to go to hospital, I went because my friends begged me to. But it still feels like the power was on my hands, like I did it. That in a way I should forget it and just say I'm stupid, period. Laugh it off. Forget about it completely. Still, whenever in family situations the topic of bad health care, rude nurses/doctors at hospitals, etc comes up - I freeze. I want to say how bad of an experience I had, but no one cares. No one. Actually, no one knows. Besides my dad, who drove me there and then went home because they told him I'd spend the night for evaluation, no one knows. It's a secret. And if I were to say, my family relatives are the type to not understand mental health.

So I have to sit there and listen. And it's not like it's a rare occasion, everytime we meet with family, health care comes into play somehow. That's how bad it is, honestly. Not just mental health care, but overall. And people constantly vent about it, while I sit in silence having constant memories of how it went for me. Of how the hospital bed was cold, of how it felt to have vomit over me, of the laughter. I can't turn it off. Yeah, don't get nightmares which is good. But it still sucks.

Because who will care? Who will care for the person who got traumatized by a suicide attempt, seriously. Who. And who will care for the emotionally neglected, the bullied girl who got told her bullies loved her because they slapped her, the sexually assaulted girl whose friends said was ridiculous that she felt panic even hearing about 50 shades of grey and tried to guilt trip her into going to the cinema because "it happened to me too, but I don't care about it", who would care. Like rationally, I know someone may care, I would care for another person in this situation, and by statistics it's impossible in 8 billion people for not at least a handful of people care.. but emotionally? I don't. Because those people who may care, aren't around me. Because I'm not gifted in that aspect.

There are people who get loved. And there are the people who won't. I just wished I was in the first category and not.. here..