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givemecoffee
40,703 M Crossing Mileposts 1
PathStep 106 Compassion hearts2,015 Forum posts273 Forum upvotes375 Current upvotes375 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2022 Member sinceJuly 4, 2015
Recent forum posts
I feel I shouldn't be affected by it anymore
Trauma Support / by givemecoffee
Last post
 May 25th, 2020
...See more My childhood was not the worst. I get how mentally I would get traumatized from it while it occured, but it doesn't make sense how I would *still* feel that way. I was explaining to my new friends the situation since they can, to a certain extent, relate and the first response I got was: move out. Me trying to explain why, lead to a "okay but you have to" and a "if it's still going on, it makes sense why you're having issues" The problem is, it's not going on. I am not being physically or verbally abused by my dad. I haven't in years, he stopped hitting me about 6-8 years ago (memory is fuzzy), and the yelling slowly stopped when he realized it wasn't "okay" - but he refuses to discuss it further. He acknowledges it, but in a bitter angry way. I am not being bullied at uni like I was in school, much the contrary. People say hi, greet me, talk to me. Yes my relationship with my mother is in the trash, but if I avoid being alone with her we actually don't have issues or arguments. The last big argument was at New Year's, but that was months ago I haven't told my friends the full extend of it. One of them knows (because I overshare a lot) but since I found out the other one tends to be really open with her mother, I kinda fear mentioning it. Although I am sure if I asked her not to share it, she would - I felt a bit stupid and childish. Even though I'm a legal adult for years now and can do "what the hell I please" as some say, I live under their roof and I am grateful they're willing to struggle with money so I can finish my degree and get a good job once I conclude it. That's a good thing. I feel I owe them since I live without contributing financially, that's more than what some parents can or will do, right? But I still fear my dad will lose his patience and control. And I don't know how to explain it, especially when I realize I do have good fun happy childhood stories involving him (most of my fun memories do not involve my mother, unless they're the type that ends up with people saying "that is kinda sad, you know?") . How do you explain that despite it not happening right now, it still affects you to a degree you can't act like a normal adult should, because it feels you got stuck mentally half a decade before or more?
It's like food tastes different after recovery
Eating Disorder Support / by givemecoffee
Last post
 July 28th, 2018
...See more I have been behavior free for 2 years now (though mentally is a whole other story) - but something I have noticed in the last year, is food tastes different. But in a weird way. There were the foods I used to "live" on, when I was restricting, mostly because was "low calories" and I would swear by, would tell everyone how amazing it was and how much I loved them and list 10-20 benefits. Certain cookies, mug cake recipes, pancake recipe, certain combinations of food that after I started following a meal plan 2 years ago (which followed for about 4-5 months) stopped eating slowly. Then when I go back to trying them, especially the types of cookies or cereal bars I used to only buy, it doesn't taste the same. Those foods taste bland, when they used to taste good. Which is funny, when you consider that foods I used to binge on used to taste like heaven. It's like own taste buds have changed, during those years struggling with ED behaviors, it's as if they were heightened and anything would taste 10x higher. Anyone else experience this? It's so weird because I bought last month a box of cookies I used to buy, and actually bought when I first tried recovery because was something saw people on "recovery instagrams" eat, and at the time tasted great. But now they taste terrible to me. And yeah I also dropped those pages soon after because when I mean first tried, it means it failed big time (but that's for another time). I actually threw them away, because even my parents don't like them. Not to mention I have old packages of foods, still. Things I bought that used to eat and love, but actually don't make sense to me. It's something that when I try, I just think "I used to love this?! Did I brainwash my brain into loving this because the calorie counter seemed pleasing?" - it seems like only plausible options. I placebo'd myself, I used power of suggestion on myself and without realizing.
Unbreakable Heart
Trauma Support / by givemecoffee
Last post
 August 1st, 2018
...See more I have mixed feelings about my previous diary/thread, mostly because of the title. And kind of wanted a second 'place' to post more of what I do to release emotions: writing. Although it can get a bit dark, it does help..? I thought a lot what the title could be, and knew had to be about one of the songs that give me strength but have a big list. "They try to take your pride, try to take your soul They try to take all the control They
Having depression since childhood?
Depression Support / by givemecoffee
Last post
 October 11th, 2017
...See more I don't like saying this but, from what I have discussed with my therapist (who I have only seen for the past 2 year), seems I have struggled with depression way earlier than teenage years. If I had to point out a period, would be 8-9 years old when started. The thing is, I start to feel pretty bad about it: 1. No one seems to believe children can have depression, and even though I exhibited symptoms and everyone shown concern, no one cared to get me help and just thought was a phase and let me go. When I started talking, smiling and eating again "hurray she's okay" but I wasn't. 2. Thinking on how I have struggled for so long is demotivating, because I never remember being "okay" even though I always put a mask. I am recovering in a way, but I had a big trouble accepting change into "okay", and even worse, accepting "genuinely happy" because was a somewhat foreign and scary concept for me. 3. I don't see many people mentioning this aspect, having depression as a child and into adulthood - I am sure (or so I hope) there are people openly discussing it, but I rarely find it, so I feel alone. If anyone has some articles on it, please link them.. Or stories, idk. I just feel I need to relate. 4. Not to mention, I feel like I am making it up. It was a reason why I never really asked for help, because I couldn't pin point when happened, and I know the whole question "why are you depressed" is invalidating for many, as much as me: but for me "when did you get depressed" is even worse. How do you say "since I can remember" without sounding like you are wanting to be a special snowflake of sorts - or wanting your life to sound miserable? 5. My childhood was 'bad' but not Daytime Talk Show bad - and what I mean is, it wasn't dramatic enough to make people go "you poor thing" (good, because I hate pity but bad, because invalidation). Everyone in my family says I had an amazing childhood but.. I won't go deep in it. I just, didn't. It was okay and I had some nice moments that I cherish, but it was bad and I had terrible moments. Anyone out there experiencing this? Because this experience keeps holding me back, making me feel there is no exit, that I am doomed to rest of my life to always have to fight the depression episodes, and it keeps getting harder to fight, although I have more okay moments now than.. any other time. I just keep expecting it to happen again, a deep depression I can runaway from, as if it's written on my fate since birth.
In need of a long-term listener: BPD, trauma, ranting?
General Support / by givemecoffee
Last post
 October 8th, 2017
...See more Hi, I am looking for a long-term listener that knows and understands BPD - I can also mention my "possible" childhood trauma, self-harm, etc. Basically someone that can listen without judging or leaving, and that can help me stay motivated specially in studies. I don't know what else to say besides I rant a lot when I am upset. But it's something I try to avoid lol So yeah. That's all, I guess
Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels
Trauma Support / by givemecoffee
Last post
 September 10th, 2018
...See more I don't know what exactly to count as 'trauma' besides bullying because that was something that I can say the word and everyone will say "yes, that can hurt". Everything else is.. 'you're just too sensitive'. I'm in therapy and I am constantly questioning if I'm even worth of being there. Not only over this but everything. I remember good points in childhood. But also remember points where I was scared and unsure. One moment my dad was amazing and friendly, the other if I did something wrong even if small - it was things thrown all over the house, my room turned upside down, things thrown against me, shouting, names. And then an apology and back to friendly funny dad. Where my mother was in all this? I don't know, when my dad got angry she didn't make it better. She'd trembling telling him to calm down or even shout "calm down" which made it worse. I'd just sit quiet and take it, say "sorry", do what I was told. But he was friendly otherwise, so no one said a thing - probably only my neighbor actually knew because she heard the shouting. I started to obsessively check if everything was safe. Sometimes if I felt a knot in my stomach half hour before my parents were due to get home, I'd go frentically around the house, checking if nothing was out of place. I was 12 and symmetrically organizing things on desk or making kitchen clean, not because I was told to.. but to avoid making him angry. He never hit me.. too hard. I just felt something on my left cheek wow I guess those are the 'body memories'? But he apologized. After all years, after me having break downs, him founding out about self-harm, etc he one day sat down and said "I was trying to control my anger when you were growing up on my own, and sometimes didn't work out, I'm sorry". I know how hard it's for him to admit he's wrong or apologize. The resentment is wrong but.. I don't know, I guess I still have that thing in my mind that says "what if he snaps one day like before" even if he hasn't. So I'm still careful. I'm blabbing now. The bullying was verbal, physical and.. sexual harrasment? I'm still not sure. I've tried asking people "can it count as sexual harrasment" probably a couple times online, but no answer is good. I feel disgusting, that's for sure. Couple years after bullying, my classmates in new school noticed I'd flinch whenever someone touched me and I didn't realize. One day I had an anger outburst and shouted at my friends, when they hugged my from behind and touched my neck, I stormed out in tears. I was panicking and didn't want to shout, but did. All because was something they did in middle school, during bullying - hit me on back of my neck, specially after some lady at school warned them that's a dangerous area. I really feel I'll never be able to feel close to someone, specially as a romantic relationship. I don't trust guys, I don't trust men. I want to, but have little evidence so far. And someone touching me, freaks me out. I also feel I am overreacting over something SO small. I'm here complaining while someone out there is having a really rough life and keep it to themselves. Well, I only complain anonymously or in therapy. I can't ever admit these things outloud to anyone, specially not in real life. Umm guess this will be a good place to share? These thoughts have been coming back at night. Had one or two flashbacks in past months. Hadn't experience flashbacks in a long long time. That way they're released, out there - somewhere- and out of my mind. Oh well, i'mma end it for now.
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