Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels

I want to make friends, have close relationships, be in love for once. But I don't want to be hurt, I don't want people to leave and break me again. Because everyone leaves - everyone I care about, either dies or leaves me because.. of whatever reason it may be. Still, I crave to get close to people even though I know it's my destiny, for people to die or leave.

Grandma, primary school teacher, mother's best friend, other teacher - all people who were mother figures to me.. died when I got closer to them or finally told myself "everything is good"

Every friend hated me because I wasn't like them, or because I didn't want to be friends with people who had bullied me or abused me, or because I wasn't 'fun' nor 'popular' nor 'girly enough'. Or left me, because I was too much to handle - even though I had to carry all their problems on my shoulders. I had to hide their secrets, handle their venting, help them not get in problem and keep a smile on my face.

Why am I like this, why do I have this bad luck? Why do other people seem to be able to keep one childhood friend through all 12 years of education, and I couldn't even keep one for 3+ years. Why do other people can fall in love before their 18 and at least get someone willing to look at them. Why do other people get to keep the people they love, even if as distant friends. Why not me. Why. I was only 8 when felt abandoned first time, I didn't do nothing to deserve it right? I was a good kid, I hope I was a good kid. I did try my best to be a PERFECT girl after that. Maybe if I am perfect no one will leave. Maybe if I am perfect no one will die.

But I still crave getting close to people, finding somewhere I belong. That's actually the title of my favorite Linkin Park song, well one of my favorites, "Somewhere I belong" - because it's all I want. And deep down, I kinda feel like 7cups is sort of it. But I don't want to let myself believe it, because I don't want it to go away. And sadly.. I feel that if I believe this is a good place, that people here 'do care about me', that they'll get tired and just say "well she is terrible either way, she isn't worthy of our attention or care, who does she think she is". Because it's what happens

I tell myself "maybe this time things will be different" and they never are. I have gotten used to things not working out - that I am more surprised when they do

My mother has this expression "better that than me" when something breaks. Like let's say she ruined a dress I was using for a party or broke one of my favorite belongings, if I appear sad she will yell "WELL better than be broken than ME"

When I was 9 I used to go out on Tuesday's afternoons with my mom. It were my favorite day until my school schedule changed and we never did that again. I also was in that 'let me fake it until I make it' phase. We'd go for a snack, usually since I had lunch at school, and then church and maybe a store or two. Also hair salon, if needed. On one of times we went by a shop and I saw a glass unicorn (or pegasus.. it had a horn and wings) which was beautiful. She bought it for me, which made me a happy child. I cherished that pegasus for life, it was amazing.

I don't exactly remember 'how', I just remembered like yesterday about that glass pegasus and almost cried. No, correct that - I cried and then blocked all emotions because exploded in frustration in my room.

I was probably 13/14 when my mother, somehow dropped it. I just starred at her in disbelief and mumbled "you broke it, you broke my pegasus"

"Well so what? Better it than me, you can buy another glass horse"

I tried to keep it even broken, went crying to my dad to glue it - but no glue was strong enough. So I'd just adjust it in its piece so wouldn't fall. After a year or two, it fell again and I just threw it out. Not sure how it fell that time, my memory is foggy. That glass pegasus was my reminder that "she does love me, she just has her issues - but one day those issues will go away". And then the person that bought it for me all happy.. broke it and didn't even say "sorry" or "I know it hurts when things break"

"Better that than me"

Somehow, that's one of the sentences I memorized as a kid to never tell anyone. As a kid I had certain phrases I'd avoid telling others because it hurt me, which made me reply slower when someone told me they were sad, because my mind was going through all the 'do not say' list. And then someone else would say a "do not say" sentence, and make situation worse.

I guess that's why people used me to listen to their problems, I said what I wanted to hear when was struggling

Is it stupid that I wish I found a similar pegasus glass statue? Maybe. Because probably I will never find it

I feel bad saying I never felt loved or wanted

My parents never said "I wish I never had you" or "you were an accident", I had a roof over my head all my life, I didn't have to deal with parents leaving or getting divorced or dying. But still, I don't feel I was ever loved.

Having a father that won't show emotion or love, unless it means laughing at your jokes, and a mother that is just so consumed by her own 'family' and friends that ignores you.. being labeled the 'life saver' and therapist in the family before I even knew what pi number was.. Considered a freak by people, everyone. Ever since I am 7 I've felt like an alien to this world. I was the child my drunk uncles would lean on before puking. I was child my mother would vent to when dealing with grief, even if I wasn't allowed to do it myself. I was the child that had to worry about other children because they had divorced parents, even though they laughed in my face how was a "blessing because of lots money". I was the child that was there but invisible, that everyone knew where was when needed help, but complained anytime I showed my presence. The 'good student', the 'perfect student', but that never got a benefit from it because wasn't lucky enough when luck was necessary. The ideal daughter, others said - doesn't argue, doesn't have tantrums, doesn't complain, doesn't beg. Doesn't say anything. I wouldn't even tell people I was hungry or thirsty, I'd just sit there and hope they got hungry and thirsty first. My dad jokes about how he'd have to ask me if I wanted ice cream or candy or a juice when we went out, because I wouldn't ask - I'd just stare, that's how he knew I was hungry. I'd just stare at something. I only started to say "I want something" when was 12, and in a low mumbling voice

I don't know

Should I feel loved? Well if I should, I never did. I remember saying this to myself when I was 9, 13, 16 etc. What is love? I don't know. Never felt it. And even if I did. How would I know?

Maybe I should feel grateful and thus end all this make-believe pain. Compared to other people in this sub-community I seem to have a perfect life. It doesn't feel that way to me, but when I read other diaries I just think "I am a loser that's forcing this on herself"

Why is this pain so difficult to recover from? I've had over 20 years of pain, can I get a break, please

pplease

Again, in therapy, I just felt nothing is worth it. Why would? I go in there, I repeat myself. Yes, I'm 'better', I don't feel like dying every day and don't self-harm, but so what? When you exclude those two out of the equation, everything else is just the same. I don't work, I don't have friends, I am alone all day, don't feel connected to my mother, despise my relatives and depression or whatever it may be still haunts me once in a while. The only difference is my college application keeps getting closer and my hopes of getting in, smaller. My dad keeps saying how he believes I will get in because I have the motivation and passion to do it, or maybe he just wants to prove to himself all money on tutoring is paying off. And I mean, it is. In someway. But I think my brain reached a 'nope' point.

Going to therapy won't fix me. I'm way too broken. But not broken enough for people to notice. You see, that's the problem. My childhood was 'bad' but not bad enough for people to think would cause damage, so in their eyes: was perfect. Even when my grades lowered in middle and high school, no one saw it as a sign because I went from perfect student to 'bellow average' and didn't fail - thus, I was just lazy. When I told my doctors about my eating disorder, all I got was 'you're not thin enough/you're not puking enough thus it's not a problem - call us when you do'. Even with my mental health 'you're not that bad', with any trauma 'you're not that bad', with any struggle (financial, social, health) "you are not that bad"

Right now, I'm not good.

No

These past almost 2 weeks I've felt me going into what I call a deep depression period - which can last days or months. Last time I went into one was last year. May till September. Though there were periods I was okay, especially mid June and mid-end July, I then fell down again after it. I can't afford it right now, I have exams in 2 months.

I'm trying to bring my spirit up, my mood up, not be numb. But have a headache, a terrible one

I know this has nothing to do with trauma. Or probably does. My therapist said last session how, because I always talk about family and my parents (especially my mother) that there is still a lot of pain attached to it and "to let it go". But I can't. And she knows it. She knows only way I can fix it is by getting my own place. To get my own place, I need to work. To work, I need to get my degree first and some experience. And for that, I need to live with my parents and withstand family shit from time to time. Yeah, I have my dad on my side. But also have a 'mememememe' and 'why you so mean' type of mother that transforms everything into 'you're saying I'm stupid' so it's not like I can really go against her wishes 100% of time. Going 10% of time requires 250% effort, so imagine that

I have to cook lunch.

Not in the mood

Yesterday my lunch was microwavable pop corn, so not lunch material. I'm also avoiding going back to bed, would only make my headache worse (since I get headaches if I sleep too much, which I did this morning because guess what woke up terribly depressed and not wanting to face the world).

I just want to cook some actual lunch, take a painkiller for the headache, clean the kitchen, shower, get fresh clothes, study, make some art.. and I am not sure how I will. Funny thing is: those are 'easy things'. Even taking a painkiller for a headache isn't easy for me, it's usually the last resort because I hate them. I think I explained it earlier on this diary how it's because of my mother and her painkiller abuse etc etc etc

I hate showering. I hate looking at my body, makes me feel sick. I actually write on my planner a reminder to

Great, just got a text from a gym I used to go to.. Thanks, as if going shopping days ago wasn't enough of a reminder about how I'm fat. I used to go there when I 'started eating disorder recovery' because I was at a high weight and my nutritionist told me so, but hated the whole atmosphere and being forced to go there 4 times a week for 2 hours when that meant I lost 4-5 hours of my day due to public transports, not to mention the food rules and social anxiety. After having a panic attack as soon as I got in, I never went again

Mother's day is in a month. I know other countries already had it, or seems they did, but here is in start of May. Can I just say I hate it? Or is that new information?

I'll try forcing myself to go make lunch, take that painkiller and etc. I watched an episode of "A Series of Unfortunate Events" see if that helped me mood. No. Anyone saying being depressed is being lazy, is wrong. When you're lazy, you tend to want to do things you love and not the things you need. When you're depressed, even the thing you love feel like chores. If I was lazy, I would've wanted to watch the whole 10 episodes straight, I wanted to yesterday morning.. but no.. I'm not.

Life sucks

I wish my mother was the typical narcissistic abusive mother. I know sounds harsh, and believe me I don't think it's because it would've been better - but at least I would've known where she stands about me. I'd know if she loves me or hate me because right now, I can't. She never called me ugly, unwanted or stupid. On the contrary, but she also never cared. She bluntly said I am the reason she didn't want more kids, so my blood type wouldn't kill them (even though it's not possible), she told me only reason she wanted a daughter was to buy cute baby girl outfits - after I grew out from them, she never went shopping with me again, basically my dad had to do the job while she said "she can pick her own clothes" to a 7 year old that just wanted her mother approval.

If she had called me ugly, unwanted or stupid I would've known. "she hates me, she has problems, I see" and distance myself. Even if I can't right now, at least people would say "oh yes, she is mean". No. Instead, I have to hear people telling me she is perfect while she is the best example of passive agressiveness with a hint of victimization.

And it hurts. Quite a lot. Because I don't think ANYONE would wish an abusive mother, but I am in the dark right now because of her vague reactions, and empty. And I don't think she loves me, and I don't think she hates me either. I think she is indifferent to me, but pretends to love me because society tells her she should. And that feels 10 times worse, I don't know why

Some people may think being in the dark and not knowing is better. I don't. Not knowing won't help anything but keep you in denial, and denial is not a good place to be. Trust me, I have been there for 90% of my life. It sucks. It is dark, cold and also empty. I'd rather know, I'd rather know the cold hearted truth than not know at all. At least I can work on it, at least I can do something

It's like when people left me, such as friends, without a clear reason. I didn't know why. And them saying it's that I am selfish and whatever, when they used to call me "generous, kind and altrustic/selfless" even confuses me more. Why and how does a perspective change so much, from selfless to selfish. I'd rather them telling me "I am leaving you because you don't do what I asked you to" instead of blaming me. But that's not what people do. People aren't blunt. And yeah, being blunt hurts. But hurts in the moment and then it goes away. Hiding and pretending hurts for ages.

It's my grandfather's birthday and somehow I'm expected to call him and wish him happy birthday with a smile. Will I? No. My mother last night looke at me serious and said "TOMORROW call HIM". No. You don't pick family and believe me, I would never pick him. Would never pick a man that made more jokes about how almost killed me, that tried to have a good conversation with me. That called me devil, satan, worthless, and other bad names, that thinks 'showing love' is throwing food in your face and gives money just for the purpose of looking good in front of Jesus Christ when he dies. Excuse me? No.

Worse is she said it with a mean voice. She says it thinking that the guilt of "you break his heart" will change my mind. She doesn't realize laughing after a joke doesn't make it a joke, it's still hurtful. I was a child when most of his jokes happened. I was a child. A child being told that is worthless and being laughed at. Yesterday my dad and I ended up talking about and came to conclusion that whole family is toxic, and how he can't stand them anymore, he is basically tired of trying. After my grandfather stopped drinking he got 10x worse and ruder, which I never thought was possible.

I'm also very proud, yes. Proud not in the good sense of the word, I hate being given pity, I have when people give me money to shut me up or make me love them. For example, when I mentioned to my dad I needed a laptop last year, my mother overheard our conversation and the next day told me

"Your grandfather will pay your 2000 euros for a laptop if you need to, he wants to" - I look serious in her face "I don't want his money, plus I don't need it now and even if I did - I will pay what I can afford". I got called a 'bad grandchild'. Now she shoves money in my hand from him, so I won't say no. And by shoving, I mean will stop me on my way to my room, open my hand, put it there and say in an angry voice "he gave this to you" or sometimes say "if only all people your age had a good grandfather like him" "you are selfish" "you don't appreciate him"

Apparently my family like gold diggers, people that will smile in exchange for money.

I am tired. I am not calling him and I know when she comes home she will 'force me' to take a call from him. Lucky me I have a class in the evening, I may just leave 1 or 2 hours earlier than planned even if actually should stay and finish my homework for tomorrow. I don't care. I may go for icecream, book store or just sit in a coffee shop and waste time

Oh yeah I may do that, wouldn't be first time. Days ago I pretended I was still dealing with documents at my old high school, so I didn't meet them. I knew they'd make a scene at the bank, so just went calmly with my day. My mother called me an hour later "oh are you done? come meet us" "sorry, now I'm in x mall so I can study while wait for my appointment. see ya". My mother may manipulate me a lot, but when comes to include him or certain people, nah.

I may be an easy target to manipulation, but as soon as I notice people are actively doing it, I become angry. I know people use the "oh she's so rude" excuse since I'm a toddler. Mainly because:

If you're nice to me, I'm nice back. If you hurt me but I care for you, I'm nice even if it kills me. If you are mean to me over and over and over, and I realize you don't care for me, I can be cold and heartless. I only reflect back, yeah my anxiety may block me in a way I appear arrogant, but if I am rude or cruel to you, rethink what you have done. I hate showing hate to people, it's against my nature (I actually shake of fear and panic if I have to tell someone I got hurt by them, my voice gets weak) so if me being cruel appears natural:

Dude

You did something wrong..

Today, 8am: woke up numb and feeling 'at the edge'

9am: complete breakdown, sobbing and unable to breathe over so much crying, I think my neighbors may have heard my scream or I just hope they didn't

10am: in peace, empty but sorta okay maybe? (started drawing when the crying stopped and regain ability to breathe without panic)

11am: feeling angry at how my family has treated me in childhood

If in an hour I am 'happy' and then angry again at 2pm I can consider this my usual day-to-day moods. I am not even kidding, somedays I go through the whole spectrum. Also just putting this here, because after I switch to a different emotion I forget the previous one..

Hi, I am trying to put down in words part of what's inside me bec i want to move on. I am not sure whether it is trauma or not, so i just say.

My childhood wasn't too bad, my mother and me never bonded but my real father loved me. as far as i remember there was only shouting at home, my mum put us (my sister, whom she actually loved and me) outside (even when it was cold) so that she could clean inside in peace. They had lots and lots of marriage problems and finally my dad had to leave when i was a young teen. There was no physical violence but emotional one every single day for me bec she always said that i am bad as my father, (i remember him as kind and sensitive), cannot do anything right (she stressed that a lot), that i am not as smart as my sister and useless. Nothing i did was ever good enough but she always praised my sister a lot. she remarried and i got a stepfather. i was so happy and hopeful everything will be alright but then things changed, he wanted more. i always escaped but felt unsafe. i did not tell my mother about it bec it happened before with my uncle and she said i am lying (lateron there was proof from other side but she never apologized). My mother realized that my stepfather had an eye on me and that made her more " hostile" towards me. My grandparents did not want to get too much involved. All my material needs were fulfilled. Still today after such a long time and despite the fact she can reach me only by phone she is blaming me for not being there for my sister (who betrayed me in the most awful ways as an adult) and her. I try to avoid the calls but occasionally have to answer because i feel obliged as a human (not daughter) to listen to her occasionally.

As a kid I would sometimes get dizzy and almost faint. My blood pressure tends to go down, especially in closed hot places (summer is a nightmare). Also alcohol, in closed places, makes me dizzy - I mean, the smell. I remember well, on New Year's when I was 12 years old we got forced to visit my grandfather's house for lunch. My mother and grandfather were yelling over why everyone was late and "are they stupid? yeah we didn't call or tell them but they KNOW we are supposed to meet here". All windows were locked, the strong scent of wine from last night was terrible, I am sensible to scent of alcohol, I started to get dizy and hold on to my dad mumbling "I can't see, can't hear" so he helped go to the window and started asking them why windows were locked

I only heard mumbles, my vision was white and my hearing was 'blocked', also my legs were weak I almost fell walking to the balcony and kept tripping. My dad helped me sit down with my head between my knees and told me to breathe. I just heard my grandfather say

"WHAT?! Is she dying? Jeez my grandchild is dying on new year's, God have mercy on her soul! Are you dying?! Looks skletal, how is she even alive, doesn't eat, so disgusting. I expected her to die last week. Is there even caskets for her size? Or do they wrap it in a bag and throw?" as my mother laughed and giggle "oh dad haha she just got dizzy, haha you're so funny". Mind you I was still taking deep breathe and getting my head back from lightheaded and about to faint, sitting on the cold floor of the balcony with my dad mumbling "we'll go for a walk when you're better, come back only when lunch is set", visibly upset. Upset because the day before he had mentioned about 10 times how that was not a good atmosphere, and I had felt unwell a few times. When I got up, my grandfather just yelled "LOOK AT HER, pale as paper! A GHOST! Oh no, better prepare her funeral"

That scene repeated a lot thought my childhood. Sometimes he'd grab my arm with a glass of wine on one hand, and say "drink this! it's coke! don't you like coke?! smell, lick it!" while pushing the glass to my mouth. Mind you, he did this since I was 8 or 9 years old, sometimes my gag reflex would kick in and he'd laugh "did you see that? what a weakass hahaha". I had wine poured on my glass, they've put wine on coke bottles and not remove the label to watch me, and I've seen them do it to all my cousins, and then they ask "why do all kids leave us eventually". To this day I smell and check if a coke bottle has bubbles in it and smell like soda, because guess what: I don't trust labels, and I don't drink soda there anymore. It's not that I am traumatized but that event, but more frustrated with it

Seems like they wanted an 'alcoholic in training'. They find it funny when people drink their ass off, get stopped by police or whatever. It's not funny. I swear, as long as I can, I won't deal with drunk people. When they're sober, they come to me - but I am not going to sit and clean vomit out of someone, or hold their hair back while they hold a bottle of alcohol in a hand. No. I refuse. I've gotten hate as a teen over it, never cared. That is one thing I didn't mind getting the hate over. It was fun seeing people bet money over "who will get her drunk". I never actually got drunk, but considering if I drink a little 'too much' I get self-desctructive.. I'd rather not..

Also, their excuse about death jokes? "we're all going to die eventually, so better face it". Yeah, thanks. Because that's what a child needs, to feel as worthless as a random dead body. I never believed in an afterlife as a kid, didn't make sense to me how they described it. Believe me, I thought about death and how drying felt like, a lot. It's why I had nightmares, sleep paralysis and forced myself to stay awake - fear of dying in my sleep. So to tell me "you're dying?!" and laughing, was same as saying "oh good, leave me alone"

I just remembered that first example when I thought on something:

My mother is allowed to be overly emotional, she took that role in the family. Me, on the other hand am not. It's as if I have to be the complete opposite, even though it's not humanely possible. And me getting dizy over a sudden drop in blood pressure at the age of 12, was seen as "overreaction"

Anyone that has had a sudden drop in their blood pressure knows it's no fun, like when your vision and hearing goes poof and your legs feel like jello while you quickly feel as sinking.. it's not a "woohoo" type of feeling.

I guess should probably focus on the good. I often talk about my dad and how he was funny and caring (in his own way) when he didn't get angry. I realized days ago, it was not like most parents when they hit their kids over misbehaving. I didn't usually get hit or punished for misbehaving, I was a 'well-behaved child' and polite. It usually happened when I was overemotional, so if I had my typical 8 year old tantrums, cried or got angry over what he saw as being 'nothing'. He doesn't seem to understand emotions, I guess.. it's hard to explain it.

But I often joke I was lucky to grow up with a tech geek. I had the opportunity other kids my age didn't, to have a computer in the house since I was 2 years old. Though he was against internet, so we only got that when I was a teen. Grew up with programming books on our desk, and all sorts of PC magazines, and being taught what the inside of a computer tower looked like by 8 years old. Don't ask me to change a hard disk, though. I'd probably break it, I'm clumsy. But my family is not like that, at all. Most of my uncles have trouble even using a basic phone, I'm the one incharge to fix TV problems when my dad's out since I'm 12 or else my mother would start screaming "it's broken it's broken". I can count in fingers of one hand how many family members are good with technology, and I have a big family.

We always had a camera in home, and got taught basics of composition and lighting. Actually we had a really good one when I was 8, but it broke and after that we bought the cheaper compact ones (lack of money). Now having my own DSLR, I just.. I feel so grateful, it's hard to put it into words. But, in order to avoid family drama and many times if he saw I was frustrated about visiting family (which I was every sunday, making excuses) he'd tell me "pack your bag, we're going on a picnic" and basically take photos in nature. Sometimes, if my cousin was begging for me to visit family, he'd invite her with us and we'd go play badminton on our own. Making best of a bad situation, because as soon as we got to family house, it meant being upset and frustrated all over again.

But then again, I was lucky about it. I grew up playing video games, something my family in particular my mom sees as "not a girl thing". Many times she complained she was 'scared' of me playing such games. Yes, I was the type of person that if someone told me "but girls shouldn't want a playstation, they should want a nintendo DS because it's pretty" I'd go on a rant. For hours. I never got my playstation though.

Yeah I didn't have many friends as a kid. Yeah most of the time I was playing tennis with the wall or the kitchen door (until my mother complained of a migraine). But I guess when things got tough, family arguing or having to deal with drama, I could just plug in my piano keyboard or put on a game, and block it out. It's still not nice, especially how many times I didn't have friends due to my mother - she wouldn't allow me to talk to neighbors because 'they're dangerous', so if I was in middle of making friends she'd scream out the window 'come inside, right now'. But there was multiple occasions family was in our home, like for my birthday or some parties, and I wouldn't leave the room we had the computer in. One day I woke up at 8 am on christmas holidays and saw my 'aunt' (I don't consider anyone that just wants money and attention a real aunt) on our couch, I poured my coffee and grabbed a package of cookies, and went straight into the room without saying a word (still in pajamas and messy 'just woke up' hair). Put on The Sims and stayed there until was lunch time and got forced to get dressed for our "christmas dinner" which meant family was coming right after lunch.

Well I had to focus on the positive for a bit. Have therapy today, woke up a bit 'meh'. May go on a family picnic (just my parents, thankfully - my grandfather never leaves his house which is a plus for me) this week, try out my camera. Just hope the weather agrees with us, I love going around nature. I mean, part of me knows something will happen. My mother will change her mind, it will rain so we won't leave the car or something else. Has happened before, but we'll see