Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels

@givemecoffee

I really identify with that confusion. I wasnt defending your dad by the way. You say he would threaten you in anger. Its not the most nurturing and ‘fatherly behaviour to my mind. I think theres a tendency, when you have a parent who gives such mixed messages but can occasionally surprise you with kindness, to be over forgiving. To want to please that person more, ‘earn more of their kindness and be less at the receiving end of their cruelty. But should a child have to earn their fathers love and approval?

@DeborahUK Yeah.. but I don't know, I really don't know anything right now. Because while reading your message (and why it took me so long to reply back) all I hear is people basically putting fear in my head as a kid, calling him the devil, saying he is satan in person, criticizing me for being like him for being stubborn or wanting to stand up for myself.. and then making my mother look perfect, force me to say I loved her and hated my dad, which I always refused to.. so it's like, what if people doing that didn't help it? There's just a lot.

And the people who said he was devil and satan wasn't because of how he acted. But because and just because of his religious views and the music he listened to (heavy metal) - nothing else. They also hated how he spent time with me playing games, so the things they hated on wasn't the things I look back with struggles like I described, they overlooked those..

It was weird talking to my dad around my therapist, I'm still deciding if went good or bad, I'm not sure. My therapist had to talk louder to have him listen, because he'd talk over her but only raised his voice towards the end. His views on me seeing a psychiatrist are.. well.. I understand his point, but I was fighting tears at that moment. Half of the session was my therapist trying to make him understand: just because I didn't have what seem like terrible situations, I struggled.

But what shocked me was he did understand some struggles I had, just no in depth. When she asked how the overall family treated me as a child, he sighed and said in a sad tone

"My wife.. she has issues, she always put (my name) in the background, she doesn't do it on purpose but it's just a complicated family. I always did my best in pushing my daughter off that poison, as much as I could at least"

"I don't think my wife understands how (my name) actually feels and goes through, she thinks she knows - but her idea is so basic, she doesn't want to know more"

"As a child I couldn't make her open up with me or her mother, sometimes I tried to force her to share how she felt. She'd block. The only way I could make her tell me what was going on was by forcing, but if I did that, she'd push away. So I stopped forcing and hoped whatever she was going through would go away, teenager stuff. Looking back, I should've forced her to share more"

I was probably 90% of it, completely quiet. Not sitting up straight nor facing him, basically looking at the computer keyboard on the office while they talked, felt like a child. I literally FELT like a CHILD.

But things didn't go bad. He didn't come home angry, we actually went to lunch after it. I think I told him about 10 times, "don't tell mom, don't tell her" and he kept saying "no, don't worry - I know how she'd react". But he also hasn't asked any questions

I don't know what worse. Talking about the problematic stuff and risking losing the only family close relationship and person I can actually talk to.. or not talking about the problematic stuff. He did mention something I haven't ever thought about.. how I am not even close to family members who were always kind to me (true), and act in fear around them

I guess it may come down to how they see the ones who are rude to me (not including my dad in the equation, but like from my mothers side) as saints, sometimes even saying I must have been a lucky kid

Looking back, I think he had a new perspective. But a small one. I wonder if, for someone who always saw my life as easy compared to for examples my mom's or some other adult.. talking generally.. if it's hard when such person finds out it's not like that? And is talking to someone that's pretty much telling them "yes, she didn't almost die at birth, yes she didn't go through poverty - but she went through some difficult stuff that no kid should go through".. is it hard for them to come to terms with it?

Even when I said "my childhood wasn't bad, but I wouldn't say was good to in terms I would wish it on anyone" - he nodded his head and said "true" but that was it. Denial?

I spent yesterday after the session completely numb. Dissociation on and off. Avoided coming home, walking around town. Today woke up feeling like absolute crap. Depression, numbness, all the stuff. Kept losing track of what I had to do, but thankfully throughout the day my "autopilot" kicked in. Now, I'm thinking again. Doesn't help how got worse, in physical health. A lot of people get surprised why I get so sick so frequently, as a kid I had constant flu's and sore throats, and still do

Yeah.. I grew up in an old house with humidity issues that would get flooded every time it rained, and that somehow affected my health lol No joke, that's completely the reason I had to get my tonsils out as a child - it started causing tonsilitis and other infections for months in a row, no medication helps according to my parents and it'd affect my hearing so yeah, thanks to the old house that my mother's family was too dumb to care about fixing. I will one day figure out the science behind it, until then I just have to remember to carry cough drops and be a frequent customer at the pharmacy like always

For years I avoided going by my old middle school. There is a bus I can take some the mall, that it's quicker and goes by that middle school. So whenever had to take it or was in car and my dad would make a 'detour' nearby it, I'd just close my eyes and turn music louder. If I were to look at the building, I'd get flashbacks. This isn't something I ever mentioned to people in real life or therapy, because it's absolutely ridiculous. Since my grandfather's house was near it, when I was in high school and had to visit him after school (forced by my mother) I'd try and take any bus I could to avoid seeing the school. Sometimes had panic attacks. I knew in my mind it was stupid.

Right now that doesn't happen, today I took the bus to that mall and was completely disconnected. Was like it hadn't happen in centuries. But I had some memories of how I would sometimes, after middle school walk on my way to my grandfather's house instead of taking the bus. I would use the 'its to save money' excuse, but it actually made me super exhausted. Since had to carry a 7 kg backpack most times. But I'd use that time to take the longer route, and have all stops I could

It's funny

when was 16 I was afraid I may have developed PTSD over bullying, but always brushed it off. "I'm just too weak". And now that I am 'better' from that one, I have apparently to deal with other traumas and still feel like a fake and too weak. But yeah, you bet I'm absolutely happy to not have those flashbacks anymore. Sometimes I'd wake up in middle of the night after a nightmare (my nightmares were about it a lot) shaking. If someone were to laugh when I entered a room, it was panic attack time and I'd start mumbling "it's coming back again". When my best friend at the time catched me in those times she wasn't sure what was happening

Neither did I

So yeah, I'm so glad I don't go through that anymore, because there was nothing nothing really nothing fun about coming out of those 'catatonic' states per se and feeling completely alienated as to why it happened and what happened

Just gotta love how in denial my mother is, or how much she actually believes I was never hit as a child. She saw it. She knew it so often she'd go in her room when my dad lifted his hand, and not do a thing. Sometimes he got angry because of her and her family, and her making a scene, and to avoid hurting her and be accused of domestic violence - it went towards me. And it's not like my dad denies it, he says was a 'lesson' and mentions it as normal because some people see it as normal or even as a joke.

So to her tell me, in front of my dad "you can consider yourself lucky, you didn't get hit as a child". It's hypocritical. The few times I've told her "that's a lie", she corrects herself "you didn't get hit BY ME"

So what? You like to brag you didn't get hit as a kid either. It's the family joke, she was so well behaved my grandfather didn't have to spank her but her sister would get hit with a belt. Somehow that's okay. Somehow that's a good sign, and still complains when her sister is having problems that do sound like trauma to me. She calls her sister a liar and attention seeker for saying her parents were mean to her. I believed that lie as a kid, that my aunt is just overreacting, a cry-baby, wants attention, is crazy. But being the truth, my grandfather bragging about how spanked her with a belt while she cried, and everyone laughing in front of a dinning table.. Then hugging my mother and say "this one behaved well, didn't even eat - best child ever". Then bragging he never laid a hand on me.

So what??

I am still confused to how my dad replied to my mother this time. He clenched his jaw for a minute while she bragged how I never got hit as a child (I was clenching my hand so bad and digging my nails into my skin while bitting inside of my mouth - now have a mouth ulcer over it, and a painful one) - and then he replied in an angry tone "I did hit her as a child, when she misbehaved" and then stop replying. It was as if he wanted to end the conversation there and then, or was upset she said it.

I got up and went to study. Later that night cried. Since then have had two major breakdowns, one suddenly in the middle of a good day. The day was ACTUALLY going good, and suddenly it hit my mind something about my mother and before I knew it was choking on tears and shivering with panic

Since that one I'm just trying to avoid it, as soon as tears feel like coming, grab my textbooks or get busy. Be it drawing, going on my listener account even though told myself wouldn't, play a game, study, plan my week. I'm delaying it, I feel depression coming but nope

Now it's not a good time

And that is why last week I relapsed in self-harm. Just once but at least it helped. Somehow. I mean feel guilty, who ever wanted to be in their mid twenties and still self-harming, you know? no one

I may breakdown today again. It's just too much, too much

I wish people knew how HARD I am fighting to keep myself together

Avoiding breakdowns by forcing smiles, I have to go back on the medication for my chest pains. Because that's what stress does to me

Can't tell anyone what's going on, so just keep it in so the urges to self-harm don't come back up. It's not like got friends, feel can't bother any listeners anymore, call it paranoia, call it being stupid.

It's not like I can ACTUALLY talk to someone

With an attention-seeker-overly-emotional women for mother, and a cold-only-facts-matter man for father I am stuck between the worst two types of people to go to support. If I were to talk about more 'rational' fears, I know my dad would listen and perhaps help.. my mother on other hand, it's worthless even attempting. Just read previous posts in this thread for evidences A through Z. But it's not rational fears, he doesn't believe in mental illnesses and I can't explain it. I tried to talk to him about it, he shrugged it off.

No one in my family can help either. Most only believe divorced women with 5 kids can be 'depressed' or that something beyond depression is 'crazy'. The only person in my family who could understand is an aunt, who happens to have bipolar (and I think some childhood traumas as well) and she isn't coherent in conversations, plus overly dramatic.. let's just say my family screwed her up so much, there is no meds or professionals able to help her, she is seen as "a failure" even though I think it's just my family's way of saying "we're too stupid to help so we only make it worse by criticizing her and triggering her"

I see her as what I may turn into if I don't get better

I don't want to be like her

I am trying to avoid her daughter from turning into me..

And chances are this is just stress. And in a week or two, when my bigger stress is over, I may be better. Or not. But right now, I am trying to avoid crying and preparing to go to bed. Did the stupid mistake of checking 7cups for notifications and saw that Kate Spade news. I didn't knew much about her and it still affected me. Had to type it out, before I spent a full night awake overthinking. I need a good night of sleep, today I woke up in a hurry - my alarm clock didn't work, so my body has been unwell since morning. And headaches are bad.. Sometimes I wish I was like the others, thinking mental illness is just 'attention seeking' and traumas as 'stupid, people are just too weak'. I do think the people who say that, don't go through it and sometimes ignorance is bliss.. Well, for them - those sentences are not bliss to anyone, but I think you (if anyone reads this) get my point. I make zero sense

@givemecoffee

You're so strong. I want you to know that you are doing amazing. I know you must feel like you've barely been holding up, but you're doing the best you can do. As for the bullying and the situation with your family, I don't know how to help because I'm not a professional. Kept going to the professional you're seeing now and have hope❤️

@crazySwimmer2009

Keep*

not kept

@wizeakre thank you

Sometimes takes days after a therapy session for me to properly process it. Sometimes it's only when the next one is approaching that I fully understand, as if my brain goes in autopilot after I leave the office and slowly turn it off. And noticed something interesting. When I first started talking to my current therapy, when mentioned my mother she was neutral. Which is good, I hated how my previous one kept making my family a saint, made me hate her. But when I finally opened up, she started validating me which took a while for me to accept. Then started saying what my mother did was emotional manipulation, which was a shock. This was after months of me crying out about familyfamilyfamily. I always expected manipulation to be straight forward.

Then she started to help me see WHY my mother could've acted the way she did. This was last 'state' I guess, which I'm somehow seeing but still hurts. Now it's pretty much validating how I have a right to feel bad, how she plays victims probably because people around her enable her. I nodded when she said that:

"It's like she's a narcissist, but not the typical kind that says it to yourself how she's better. But somehow I feel like she feels it's all about her"

I don't like using narcissist as an adjective, much less never thought of putting narcissist and my mother in same sentence. Because she makes herself a victim. How would anyone so deep into pain see that could manipulation and being self-centered, when is being told it's to pity them? And that's the worst. People DO enable her. They enable this behavior, they see it as okay because she's funny and charismatic. That's the thing. She's charismatic. People love her. All of my friends who had the chance to meet her (because she never got invested on my life, so only met a friend if we happened to find them on street randomly) used to say how they loved her, I had friends ask me to ask her for love life advice. Friends saying "she's an angel, she can cure anything, she has magical hands" (not kidding).

Jeez I never remembered until now how much that hurt. My memory is terrible, can't remember everything. It's like I can remember every detail of when and how got all my clothing items (I don't have a lot so that helps) or small details about people close to me like how they talk or if they smile a lot, but life events? It's like a salad. All thrown in, you cannot just grab apple or orange bits in your spoon - it comes all, but small pieces.

Okay so I guess my mother is self-centered (feel wrong using 'narcissit') and has actually learned to manipulate everyone around her because people enable her. It's full circle again.

Update, though: my mental health has been better these days. A few downs but I'm just letting them come and go, instead of fighting them becaue 'need a reason to feel sad/angry'. Seems to work, but not being that productive. Exams went and gone, results were good, there's a big chance I'll get into college on autumn. Also have been getting into yoga again, if I keep up this habit may purchase a new yoga mat since mine is a bit old. But I feel I need a 'reason' to do it, like a reward. Same as my other "reward" on hold - a new charm for my bracelet. We're just low on money this month, so in July I shall.

What I hate is how my suicide attempt/stay in hospital was traumatizing. I doubt anyone would sit through me saying "yeah so I have a trauma from how I was treated in the ER and medical treatments over my attempt" and not say "well so you shouldn't have attempted it"

I feel bad because I 'got' myself into it. Not directly, I didn't want to go to hospital, I went because my friends begged me to. But it still feels like the power was on my hands, like I did it. That in a way I should forget it and just say I'm stupid, period. Laugh it off. Forget about it completely. Still, whenever in family situations the topic of bad health care, rude nurses/doctors at hospitals, etc comes up - I freeze. I want to say how bad of an experience I had, but no one cares. No one. Actually, no one knows. Besides my dad, who drove me there and then went home because they told him I'd spend the night for evaluation, no one knows. It's a secret. And if I were to say, my family relatives are the type to not understand mental health.

So I have to sit there and listen. And it's not like it's a rare occasion, everytime we meet with family, health care comes into play somehow. That's how bad it is, honestly. Not just mental health care, but overall. And people constantly vent about it, while I sit in silence having constant memories of how it went for me. Of how the hospital bed was cold, of how it felt to have vomit over me, of the laughter. I can't turn it off. Yeah, don't get nightmares which is good. But it still sucks.

Because who will care? Who will care for the person who got traumatized by a suicide attempt, seriously. Who. And who will care for the emotionally neglected, the bullied girl who got told her bullies loved her because they slapped her, the sexually assaulted girl whose friends said was ridiculous that she felt panic even hearing about 50 shades of grey and tried to guilt trip her into going to the cinema because "it happened to me too, but I don't care about it", who would care. Like rationally, I know someone may care, I would care for another person in this situation, and by statistics it's impossible in 8 billion people for not at least a handful of people care.. but emotionally? I don't. Because those people who may care, aren't around me. Because I'm not gifted in that aspect.

There are people who get loved. And there are the people who won't. I just wished I was in the first category and not.. here..

Found a "5 (subtle) signs your mother is a covert narcissist"

1. When you are making her look good, she glows. When you are struggling, she peppers you with criticism and questions

Yes, and no. The first part is so accurate, she will brag to everyone and hold me singing "what an amazing daughter I have". When I am struggling, she will not exactly jump to criticism and questions but more on how she has gone through all that and she cured herself by saying how she's made of gold, and has psychic powers to heal with just hands and words - and if these techniques don't work, then I don't want it enough. Another way is how, if I'm sick in any way or going through a bad luck period, suddenly she is too and it's all about her

2. When she gives you gifts, there's always strings attached.

She gives me the gifts she bought thinking about her, then gets upset if I don't like it or it's actually something that hurt me. When I give her a gift, I tend to give it thinking about her and stress out for days, to have her say for a second "omg I love it, thank you!" and then throw it in a corner. Leave it in the dinning table for months, hidding in a drawer for years.

3. Despite outward appearances to the contrary, your life must take a back seat to her needs

Oh yeah, and I bet once I move out on my own, it'll be hell. If I don't visit her and her evil friends, suddenly I don't care at all. But problem is, I'm stubborn and I don't agree without a fight, it's both a curse and a blessing. Though she doesn't say to the face, she just pouts.

4. When you question her or ask for clarification, she becomes immediatly defensive and fires back at you

Accurate. The typical "I KNOW I'M STUPID" "I KNOW I AM UGLY, NO NEED TO POINT IT OUT" "Yeah yeah go ahead SAY I AM TERRIBLE", that even my dad is tired of dealing with.

5. When your boundaries about your personal life is not respected

Reason number one why I don't share anything. Like said above, I'm stubborn and this is a point she knows she won't win. No wonder her family calls me rude and sneaky.

@givemecoffee

I wonder this about my mom often.

"5 (subtle) signs your mother is a covert narcissist"

1. When you are making her look good, she glows. When you are struggling, she peppers you with criticism and questions

- Yes to the first sentence. No to the second. She does encourage me when I struggle and shower me with love. BUT, I feel that she almost wants me to struggle, so that I need her more. If I am doing well, her love seems to disappear somewhat.

2. When she gives you gifts, there's always strings attached.

- Not always, but usually.

3. Despite outward appearances to the contrary, your life must take a back seat to her needs

- I am not sure what this means. She is not directly in my life (we don't live together), so I don't know how this would apply.

4. When you question her or ask for clarification, she becomes immediatly defensive and fires back at you

- Sometimes. It depends on what the topic is. Certain things seem to heavily trigger this reaction. Other things don't at all and she is quite calm, civilized, and intelligent.

5. When your boundaries about your personal life is not respected

- Usually. I have to fight for boundaries being respected. My therapist is working on this with me right now. (Just setting them, not fighting for them).

I duno, what do you think?

@singercrystalspirit I don't think it's my place to say, it's hard to analyse situations like that since I'm not in your shoes - but if it makes you wonder often and if it hurts you in some way, then probably her behavior is not right. It's good you're working on boundaries, I also have to fight a bit to have them respected and it's a struggle but an important one!

@givemecoffee

Thank you!!!! ♥️✨xx

@wizeakre I think you are right, the self-blame can be a sign. Thank you

Am I overthinking things? Am I demanding too much?

Today went to buy a swimsuit because a store was having a good sale, as I picked some my mother said she would go - and followed me into the store. I gave my initial 'look around' to see what they had and she asked me a couple times "try this, why don't you grab anything". When I explained I am first giving a look and then see what I really want, she walked off from place to place, and when I grabbed a couple pieces to try, she went off store. As I was trying, I wanted an opinion on this full body suit and opened the curtain a bit since was a small store, I could see the entire place. She was gone. Maybe I demand too much. She never actually goes into the dressing room or wait, she rarely stays in a shop for more than 2 minutes. But I felt sad when realized the dressing room in front had what seemed like a daughter trying out something, and a mother holding up the curtain to cover fully and grabbing her other sizes. I had to hold the curtain with my purse and other shopping bag.

My mother actually showed zero appreciation for me selecting her some songs she asked for. She has been asking my dad for months now to make her a playlist, but he had trouble coming up with songs she liked so asked me. When she said she liked an Ed Sheeran song, I quickly replied had all his albums and she would probably love his earlier songs.. no comment. I organized them in a new pen drive and went to give it to her, while they were watching a show in the living room. She just turned around and went to sleep, which is her way of ignoring a situation.

She got upset over how there was a news on a mother (with same age as she has) being murdered by her son (same age as me) and kept saying out loud "she has same age as me!! same age as me!!". I was in my room doing yoga, so only heard the loud comments. When finished, went out and saw the news, while she got up and walked out to the balcony. I was confused until they mentioned the ages on TV, and asked a couple times what she meant, but she never replied or talk TO me. I'm still a bit "what" by this, since makes zero sense. And I have paranoid tendencies, jeez.. I used to associate numbers on car plates to wether people around me were going to die or live, but I tried hard for people around me not to notice them. So if this is some kind of paranoia... I don't know anymore

Also the usual, got up today with her asking me how much a ticket cost to go downtown. Of course my dad and I were confused and asked why, because we're all three home which is rare, so no need for buses - and she yelled "you know really well why". It's not even 8 am. She is upset at us asking why, even though we aren't awake enough to remember tomorrow she wants to visit my grandfather.. like always.. As if it isn't normal. But seriously, waking up after a confused dream to a "HOW MUCH IS A BUS TICKET, HOW MUCH" still with my hair in a mess, eyes barely opening and needing coffee, is the highlight of my week

Maybe I complain too much

Maybe I read too much into things

Maybe I will one day actually make a list of all 'you had to see it to believe it' things my mother has done or said. I feel bad when say it's highly possible my mother has a mental illness and NEVER will get help because.. society logic is someone doesn't harm themselves therefor all dandy and cool.. but also have to kind of joke about it, or I am the one in pain.

@givemecoffee

I'm really sorry Your mother sounds really difficult to live with, and I am sorry that you have that to put up with for the time being. It is really difficult to maintain one's sense of normalcy in a situation that is off-kilter so extremely. I wonder if it might help you to practice what is called lovingkindness or compassion. I read something not too long ago that it has helped the oppressed Tibetans under their torture under the Chinese, to maintain their mental health and joy even in the face of mistreatment and/or abuse. Maybe you could look up some information on that, and on how to practice lovingkindness and compassion. Maybe it might help you get through.

xx

@singercrystalspirit Thank you. I'll probably look it up more, I did read into it a bit but my mind went straight into "nope". It's not that I don't want others to be happy, I guess I just keep hearing from my mother the same "if it makes them happy" whenever she replies to something that it got sour on my mind. But I'll try to look it up later, maybe with time my mind will feel better about the idea!

@givemecoffee

Hugs. You

@givemecoffee

I feel a sense of loss at times when I see other mothers and daughters interacting. I had to stop going to Mothers Day events with my mom because it was too hard on me. If shopping with her isnt what you want it to be, is there someone else you can go shopping with? Theres that saying about how we choose our friends but we cant choose our family.

It sounds like your mom wanted your dad to spend time making her something more than she wanted the actual playlist itself. It hurts when we put in effort only to have it rejected or go unappreciated. I felt that way two years ago when for my moms birthday instead of a cake I made her sunflower cupcakes. Thats her favorite flower. I spent hours icing the cupcakes carefully. Shes wouldnt enjoy them with the family and made some lame excuse about sugar to protein ratio. Instead she took them all to work and gave them away. That put the focus back on my mom. Lesson learned: she cant appreciate the effort I put in.

As as for the news report disturbing her ... maybe shes just focusing on it because in her mind its all about her, so somehow this tragedy with strangers is still about her?

When youre on your own then you wont have to see her friends if you dont want to. You can tell her no. You can enforce boundaries.

@Hoping4Harmony

I don't have anyone else to go shopping with, besides my dad - which doesn't have always patience to go with. The few times he goes, it does go well (I help him pick clothes and he helps me pick too). Yeah, hopefully I can make friends for once that are healthy friendships! I don't know what she wanted, to be honest - her reactions are very 'unpredictable'. But she did thank me last night, after I listened to the playlist on repeat for the other days.
Sorry your mother did that for the cupcakes - you did an effort to make them special! I've been in that situation, not with her taking things to work, but with actually things going to trash. It hurts and it's so true what you said. I've started to just be cold when she mentions how she misses eating chocolate mousse or pudding, and blurt out "well, will you eat it? If yes, I'll make it. If not, then it's not worth the time or effort" and she shuts up. Sometimes we just have to set boundaries in the type of 'effort' we make..

I guess so, it's "all about her" mentality. She has also stopped mentioning her friends after I went on full blown anger rants. Once in a while she mentions them, but most times I'm just cold about it or leave the room. In that regard, at least people have a right to call me a bad daughter lol

Thank you. Sorry you're in same situation, not wish it to anyone..

First of all - seriously, have to start appreciating people more often. I'm thankful for the support in the trauma sub-comm overall, and feels nice to know people understand and care. I can't really talk about these things besides in therapy, and even that's not enough time to discuss half of everything. Looking back, I first made this thread because I was going back into a REALLY depressing period and 2017 was "one" of those years where half of year was "okay dandy and cool" and half of year "drowning in depressed crap". 2018 is "slightly" better, but believe me, slightly means a lot lol

Second, have to kind of "check-in" with how it is to be home with both parents. It's not bad, I did expect more negative reactions from my mental health. So far, I've managed to avoid one anger outburst and full blown panic attack (well that one meant be being in my room hyperventilating, rocking back and forth, while squeezing plasticine and doing grounding techniques but hey it worked.. ). But did have a few crying sessions, one middle of beach. We were supposed to go for a picnic yesterday, but sadly I got sick and was in bed all day. My immune system is crap - I am still a bit sick, my nose is better and so is my sore throat, but headaches come and go. I felt bad, I really wanted to go, but risking getting worse wasn't part of my plans.

Also, just one more week with my dad home. After that, it's just me and "mother". No good. No good. Have to find things to keep busy outside home, but with my luck she may take all mondays, wednesdays, fridays and maybe even tuesdays to go visit her old 'sweeeet' father (the only reason she isn't doing that with my dad home, is because he is 'forcing' her to spend time with us). Then it's my birthday and just hope this year goes well.

On positive side:

I FINALLY got a haircut. Kudos to my dad. I never would've gone if he didn't actually stop by a hair salon and said "go", while going to get a hair cut as well.

I may buy some semi-permanent dye to dye my hair before birthday. Thinking on some green or blue, or may go for a darker purple. Last year tried a purple, but wasn't dark enough. I don't trust me taking care of my hair enough to manage permanent color, I already feel ashamed to admit I only wash my hair once a week because have no more mental energy lol

Installed The Sims 3. It's been interesting and fun. Being sick and playing sims does bring good memories from being a teen.

Did go to beach (despite crying session) and wore my new swimsuit and felt good.

Avoided a self-harm relapse. Hurray to me

*** long rant ahead but with sorta of a point towards the end.. also, I mention animal death so, scroll down if that upsets you? Idk***

Was watching a report on dogs and something a lady said, brought a memory and I'm almost crying. She was saying how before her dog passed way, it looked at her as if to say "save me"

Not sure if have talked about it before, but probably did. My cat died 3 years ago, due to a terminal illness. The last 2 months she was alive, part of me knew she was probably dying but I was in denial. And because we didn't have money to go to a vet, we just kept hoping she'd eat another food. I feel bad saying this, but my cat had stopped eating in mid June and we only took her to a vet in end August when she stopped drinking water.. over money.. Psychiatric medication is expensive, let me tell you.

Moving on, most of my days that summer were about sitting beside her and trying to make her eat or make sure she was breathing. Many times I started crying when realized she was in pain when I touched her back or picked her up, getting in arguments with my parents over how expensive vets are. I wouldn't leave my house at times, or as soon as got home would go looking for her. Often I got that look from my cat, the "I'm in pain". I can't explain how I knew it was that look, I just knew. I'm in tears just remembering it.

When we finally saw the vet, after 2 sessions she told us it was terminal illness and gave us time to decide: put my cat to sleep or see if treatments help keep her alive for another month. The next day we went there to visit her, and as soon as the vet opened the cage to say "she hasn't eaten yet nor moved" I went on my knees to touch her and my little Luna started meowing and trying to walk as if to say "take me with you, help me". I think the vet was the most understanding possible, since technically you couldn't visit pets after 7pm and she let us stay near the cage until near 7:45pm to say our goodbyes, with an hysterical 21 year old crying like a baby

**** somehow end of long rant into a 'more positive' long rant because I'm still me ****

I have 'overcome' it in some way. In a strange way, grieving her passing, helped me cope with my grandma's death too. Yes.. Only in my 20s did I overcome my grandma's death when I was child.. And to be honest I probably have vented this story a thousand times, but with time I've realized the only way my mind overcomes stuff is by being repetitive. The only thing that helped me cope with bullying flashbacks was typing typing typing writing writing. If I stopped 'talking about it', even if to myself, I got flashbacks and nightmares. If I forced myself to forget it, to keep it in, to "not be a bothered", I'd go in panic attacks everytime someone touched me. After spending an year in therapy talking about same thing, I realized I didn't need to anymore. It's why I kind of don't get upset if people are repetitive around me when something hurts them, because I know worked for me. Well if people on other side weren't invalidating.

I just had to type this out, honestly. My birthday is coming up, it's by itself a triggering time where I can easily go into depression and I don't want to. Like, that's the thing I don't want to. My life is somehow coming together, it's scary, it's overwhelming, it's terrifying truth be told but that's what progress is. That's what recovery is. It's scary. It's overwhelming. It's terrifying. But also good. Like when I started therapy with my current therapist, I used to hate feeling happy - it felt scary, I used to say how if I felt happy I instantly panicked about what could hurt me, and had to work on next full year on "accepting happiness". Great, it worked. And now I'm scared of feeling pain, but hey it's a progress.. though I doubt I will one day be without fears. I don't believe you can be without fears, it's technically impossible

If you haven't read Divergent, even if you don't like YA, it's a great book (the first one) on fears. On how they're NOT A BAD THING, once you push away the sappy romance and the fact Tobias is a great person and Allegiant was Veronica's Roth totrture to us for no actual reason besides her own personal delight *moving on* Technically in some way was about fighting fears, controlling them to make yourself stronger by fighting the weakness. But in truth, they never go away. Because as soon as you conquer one, another one comes. Human nature. Also, there's a line where they say "Fear doesn't shut you down, it wakes you up" or something along those lines to a character, and that line to me.. is thought provoking. And there's the fact it's the girl helping the boy face his trauma even though that's not mentioned besides in between the lines, and the fact it's about someone trying to find their place and thinking they have to just be one thing like everyone else tells them to, but in the ends finds out it's okay to be a mixture of things and throughout the story it's actually shown that just being one thing is actually the flaw and not being a bit of everything - and that to me, is why I love those books. Okay, back to point

I don't know my point. I should go sleep, it's going to be 1 am soon and my early bird tendencies tend to get a bit confusing if I stay up. All I know is some people may think I look for the hidden meaning on sappy YA books, but in truth I hate romances and cutesy dramas and if a story doesn't have a hidden meaning in a philosophical way, I lose attention. I do need to get reading more, but my concentration has been terrible these past few years. I used to read a lot when had friends, but then lost all of them and lost my passion to read too.

Made a new thread and thought wouldn't use this one, but.. it's nice to keep things separated. This is my messy unorganized thoughts, the other one is more structured? Moving on, was a tough day. Not the worst, but the fact weekend won't get better from now on, neither will the month.. I am numb, my mind knows shit is about to go down

As I was singing happy birthday for a family member, I remembered: no one will be actually be around for mine. I could be the selfish type and give out hints, but I didn't. I don't want to have spotlight on me and thousands of questions about friends which I have none of. So had to pretend a smile while everyone was happily eating cake. Maybe it's my problem, I should've been the "umm so my birthday is in x days, yeah x days!" but I hate that. I hate when people do that, so I refuse to do it myself. I then noticed no one included me in their conversations. I tried to get included but was like no one had space for me. Like always. Was about to cry when my aunt started talking how she hopes her issues don't rub off in her daughter (mental health). It made me really respect her, I respect someone who admits they got issues and don't want to damage their kids - it makes them aware. Not like my mother. Also almost cried when my aunt told me cliché advice "tell yourself it's your best day, tell yourself this is the best day of my life". Sorry? No. That is WORST piece of advice in my opinion. It creates a cycle of not accepting pain and pushing it away, instead of dealing with it

To anyone reading: there's nothing wrong in saying "today is just a crap day, today is the worst day. Let me cry it out, yell, break something. Better days will come, but today is just B A D" - really nothing wrong. This idea of "positive thoughts will attract positive things" does work, but has a huuuuuge limitations. Number one being, life isn't positive. Life is realistic. There's good, there's bad. And there's balance. (yeah I'll make this bold because this and realizing I was emotionally ignored/neglected were like the two most important things in therapy for me - and may help someone else)

My mother is pissed, half of the day was talking about death, funerals. My grandmother died, there's a whole drama going on. Family arguments, threats, hate being thrown around. I won't go in detail, because that in itself is private and I respect certain privacy - but it's just.. stressful. I don't even want to imagine what the funeral will bring, I joked saying "oh I'll have to keep my camera fully charged, this may be youtube material" but it's just me trying to make mood light. As my dad said, my place in family is to be in middle, the mediator, the one keeping people somewhat sane. Believe me, that's not a healthy place to be in. I hear from all sides, it made me good on noticing who is right, who isn't.. but made me paranoid and unable to trust, because no side is good.

I have never been to a funeral, but might go this time. I thought my biggest problem would be the memories of my grandma's passing when I was a child, but no. I keep having memories of it, true, but noticing the drama is my worst problem. I don't have energy to mediate all this. At least there aren't flashbacks or bad dreams, at least I'm over that grief but I am numb. I get unaffected by people I am not "connected emotionally" to dying. Some people think it means I don't care, because I don't look sad. But if it's someone I connect to, it's like the world is crumbling down. 0 or 100 - that's me

Mothers are supposed to care and look after you when you are sick. Nope, not mine. I'm just pissed because of many reasons, especially how she likes to brag to family members and her friends how "oh yeah (my name) is who reminds me to take medications, I am just so stupid". Yeah you are, but people go and say it's my job to remind her. Because that's a child's job.. moving on

The funeral was.. normal? It only hit me when we got to the morgue before and saw the casket and the body. Memories from my grandma started popping up, and from my teachers death. I had to go out when started remembering everything, and how for some days after hearing my teacher died by suicide, I tried understand how. All I was told was police found her car in an abandoned place and that led them to the body. My little child brain started imagining all ways. When we got to the church was when it hit me. But then someone read about "love you, grandma" and I just found myself having flashes of memories on my mind, pushing tears away because "this is not about her, this is not about me, no one would understand, don't cry". So instead I kept squeezing my fingers and hands on each other.

Then the parade to the cemetery came and I can honestly say derealization happened. I was tripping on my own feet and the person in front, going out of line, going back to when I was 8 years old, back to 'now', back then back now. It's hard to describe it.

I blocked out all emotions. All. Every single one. It was only way to push memories (or flashbacks, in some way it was more like 'emotional flashbacks') - to tell myself "this isn't about you, this is about them, others, you have no right to be crying now about something in past". When got home, I was numb. 100% numb, so much that felt I was a shell. It got worse on the day after. I was still that way today. On tuesday I thought I was about to cry, but no tears.

I just can't cry. I know crying would help but I physically can't. I flipped the switch to block out emotions temporarily, and I broke it. Today I felt a bit better, but I haven't been sleeping well for almost a week now, so my back is hurting and feel exhauste.

I just don't know. I feel bad for how my mind turned this on past, I thought I was over the grieving situation, but I wonder if that's the thing with grief and losing people who you cared really about.. you can learn to live with it, but no matter what, pain is there.

Also, just remembered: on my next therapy appointment, I have a lot to mention. Like a lot.. I should probably go in and just say "hey! A lot of shit went down, so I'll give you the brief summary because that ought to take the whole hour"

I tried to write this at least two times. On both (if not more..) I ended up feeling worse than I did, and cursing more than writing. But today I did write a "letter to my mother". Depression is hitting hard this week, it's like a wave but today has hit the hardest. Not sure this helped, I am completely numb to life this whole day, so will see how it goes later.. Maybe it's long, by the way. Not sure.

*******************

Dear Mother,

I could spend my days listing examples of how you have hurt me, be it directly or indirectly. With every fake smile and 'you are perfect' without looking at me, you made me drown in lies that would haunt me. Please, don't ever tell someone they are beautiful, perfect, amazing without meaning it - it can just destroy someone's self-esteem as much as being told they aren't those things. Giving a gift just for the sake of giving it, doesn't make it the best gift ever.
Please, listen. Properly listen, actively doing it not passively and then saying the actress on TV is so 'good'. Please understand that the day you told me you would try to spend more time with me, meant my world. To then be greeted with all the same normal behaviors, broke my heart. Please, understand. Me saying my childhood was difficult doesn't mean yours wasn't. Me saying your family ignored me doesn't mean someone didn't ignore you too. This whole narrative of 'what about me' only perpetuates the hole between us, does not build a bridge.
You may think pretending everything is fine will rebuild something that wasn't ever there. But it won't. Twigs and branches aren't as steardy as ciment and brick. Telling me how bad your childhood was, won't make me appreciate the things I lacked on.
It is not a childs job to take care of their parents when they are sick. Do not use it as a way to broadcast how "amazing" I am. It was never my job to remind you of medication or look after wether you ate or not, when I was 10. It is not a childs job to be a family's therapist. It was never my job to be around adults and told to fix their problems, or listen to your TMI warning details about my birth or sexual life.
A mother's job isn't to carry a baby for 9 months and then only take credit where credit is due, and hope for best. A mother's job isn't to pray their baby is healthy but don't care when the toddler wants a story. A mother's job isn't to laugh when people threaten the childs safety or emotional well-being, because "it's a joke". A mother's job is to care, put them first no matter what - not in the back pocket for when the right crowd approaches.
I had a bad childhood. Not a terrible one, not a good one either - a style of childhood I wouldn't wish on anyone. Call things for their name. Though in part most of the blame could fall on you, it doesn't all fall on you. But on circunstances, family members, finances, and maybe other factors. The problem is. A good mother will see beyond that, admit what they did wrong, change what they can, and grow with time and the child. In my eyes, you aren't the best mother you could be. If you could? Yes. If you tried? Maybe. Did anything change? No. Is there still time to change? My heart is too hurt for something small to fix it, but I wished yes. In therapy I am told there isn't much hope, unless you learn to watch in the mirror. But little old me still hopes for her little mommy to return. The one I didn't meet.

I am sorry I am a mess to handle. Sorry I yell, make scenes, freak out and curse. Sorry I said I hated you. If I meant it? Yes. But shouldn't have said it. Just hope someday you will have the maturity to tell me "sorry" and mean it. Change it. Because there is a reason I don't spend much time alone with you, I am trying to avoid the reactions I apologized for. Though sadly doesn't seem you are willing to mature that enough. Hopefully one day you will. Because I have lost all my mother figures, trying to find the one people claim lives with me for over two decades.

Signed,
Your Daughter

******************

I had the idea to try again when days ago, "Brave" was on TV. I love cartoons, especially Disney. I was resting on the couch after applying some ointments, and my mother had just sat down in the dining room. At first I thought she was doing something else, maybe reading a magazine but when she laughed a bit at a scene in the movie, I noticed she was watching.

It wasn't as much as the situation, but how I thought. It just felt like a metaphor. She is there, she is watching - but she isn't there, nor is she watching. The way our living room is, if you are in the dining room you can't really see the TV properly (especially not on the furthest chair as she was). But still, she pretended to. Instead of getting up and moving to a closest place, she stood there, at a distance just to say she watched it. And when ended.. got up. When the interesting part is over, she goes. She takes a nap, turns around, goes to another room. It feels stupid how much this can hurt. I don't think I can even list everything that she has done that has hurt me, because somethings I just have bits and pieces on my mind. Like it's blocked. So I go over the same examples. And now, we seem 'okay'. To my dad's eyes at least. Because I know my limits, because I walk away before shit goes down, because I stay in my desk 8 hours in a row with back pain or walk around doing nothing in town, just to avoid her, if I have to. And that's not "okay". But it's damage control.

These past family stresses, including saturday and sunday which were absolute shit and worse than previous weekend, have ruined my mental health. On saturday I broke down crying in front of my dad, over what to him felt like nothing. Since was almost 11 pm and I was crying he thought trying to ignore and distract me, would help but didn't. I'm entering a depression period and just holding on because my mother is home and now we have plans for my cousin to spend a night with us. I couldn't say no, I only see her once a year and this is our last chance, plus some events make me feel I owe that small thing to her, at least

But I don't know if can handle that without completely breaking down. I just don't want to ruin her life. I don't know if I can go this week without doing something harmful to manage all this shit happening inside my mind. It's just a TERRIBLE month. And these past two weeks, days have been from bad to worse, increasing gradually.

This is why I hate being around my family. Just two weekends in a row plus both parents home for a month, and I'm a complete mess.

These days were terrible. My cousin stayed more time because my life sucks, and I got 2 hours of sleep the first night, on the second one was worse. I was in bed until 4 am starring into the nothingness, until started crying and got up, went to sleep in the couch. I hate being touched and seems a lot of people in this sub-community could agree with such trigger? Well, sleeping with someone is worse, call it being selfish or whatever, but having someone touch me as I sleep is big trigger. I rarely sleep well with someone near me, I wake up multiple times and feel shaky (unless I completely trust the person and I am mentally well). Problem is, my family has this habit of making me sleep with my cousins because "family time".

And last week had enough, when I mean I cried, I mean ugly cry that you have to force yourself to be silent to not wake up anyone, and your muscles cramp up in your jaw. Anyone else gets those? I do. They suck.

When my dad woke up before work and found me on the couch, under a blanket and with just a decorative cushion as pillow, at first got confused and laughed a bit. He tried not to make a scene, because of my mother. Just told me to sleep well. Long story short, I couldn't. Had to handle some legal problems and at 11 am had a severe panic attack. One of those I haven't gotten in.. ages. Where your whole body shakes and your crying makes you suffocate.

I later that day told my dad the truth why I slept on the couch, he got serious after that. He now sees my "hate being touched" as serious, after jokingly touching my neck and triggering a panic attack. In his words "last time someone makes you do this". It's stupid my family is able to manipulate me into doing these things, but I can't handle seeing a child ignored by their family especially mother.. and maybe they sense it, and feed off it. It's why I was the family babysitter since 9 years old, they knew I liked children and took advantage of it. It's funny, on my own birthdays I was the babysitter

My birthday wasn't the worst, but was bad. More because of my mental health, all this shit just brought up a depressive episode and I am just hoping things get better. My therapist is going on vacations, I really don't need this on my back now.

@givemecoffee

Im so sorry to hear about your birthday.

Sorry I havent posted in a while. Ive been going through a tumultuous time, myself.

Im sorry for your loss of your grandma.

I can definitely understand why your cats death helped you through the grief process, and Im so sorry to hear about her suffering. Ive had three cats as an adult that have died from terminal illnesses. Ive grieved more deeply for them than even my father, and I think part of it is that I felt so responsible for them, like they were children.

Im so sorry to hear about your birthday. I pretty much hate birthdays. Theyre always a disappointment to me. Im not sure what Im expecting- it just feels like Im another year older, have nothing to show, and despite having people around feel so alone.

I hope youll find someone whose touch calms you instead of triggering panic. Im sorry to hear about the forced family time. I (luckily?) have no cousins my age, so that wasnt really an issue for me; my sister struggled with her forced friendship with a cousin close in age to her.

@Hoping4Harmony Thank you, it's always nice to have a reply - no matter what. That makes sense about the feeling responsible, especially because we never took her to a vet since we got her and if we could've done something, or if we got other cats sick by mistake (like her kittens). Yeah birthdays are always disappointment, I try and think "oh no this year" but then it's always same thing lol

Yeah, had a cousin around my age as a kid, and we were always pushed to be friends but she would take advantage of every situation. I don't really have more cousins my age that I talked to, but since I'm "good" with children people try to put their younger kids on my hands. I had friends in high school who were really close to her cousins and had 3-4 cousins their age. I used to get jealous when they talked about going to beach and making parties and having good friendships with them. But real life isn't always like that. Hope your sister doesn't have to be in that situation anymore - being forced in relationships never works out well

A rant on self-esteem/not having relationships/fears:

Yes.

It's long. Beware.

Kinda feel bad that haven't ever had a romantic relationship being already 24. It's a sensitive topic for me, mostly because of the replies people give, the typical "oh but you're a sweet girl/guys must love you/you're lying/you have too high expectations". As someone who up until was 18 got bullied in school by boys, verbally, physically and sexually assaulted.. it's not like I grew up feeling comfortable to go up to someone of opposite sex as a teen or even now and say "hey" without fear. But people don't understand that. People don't understand how certain expressions hurt. I also have tokophobia (fear of pregnancy) and apparently fear of sex, and don't know where those come from. I suspect it's a mixture of my mother being WAY too open about intimate stuff when I was a child and the short incident with sexual assault + how guys at my middle school (which had students from 5th-12th grade and was mostly older students) handled me by spreading rumors. I mean, by the age of 9 my mother had described to me in detail how my birth was - and how most women went through labour.

Yesterday me and my parents went out for ice cream, and near the place there was a marriage parade with cars honking and I commented how if I were to get married, I would want to do that 1920's style car ride. My dad laughed "you'd need something else first", and I laughed "two actually, the man and money" to what he replied "I don't know which one is harder for you". I tried to laugh it off as a joke, because probably he meant it as a joke, but sadly given I was told since I was a child how unloveable I was.

My aunt was the main person to do this. Shame me on my teeth, thighs, face, hair, whole thing. Saying I better hope a rich man feels sorry for me when I was just a child. My family used to praise my cousin over her "beauty" and shame me, saying I looked like a boy, calling me disgusting. When I tell someone this they usually reply "oh yeah I got that too, all girls get that so get used to it". Really? You're going to down play it on "it's a girl thing"? It's an emotional abuse thing. It's not normal, not everyone gets this. Being called ugly one time when you're a teenager isn't same to being kicked down stairs because a 15 year old boy said you're too ugly to be human. Isn't same to have your aunt publicly shame loudly in a busy beach how disgusting you are, and have people stare at the scene. Or having your own picture circulate in the school computers with people constantly laughing because the file said something like "ugliest girl". Yes, guess what those things are traumatizing when you add up all the rest. People normalize being called ugly as if it's a normal aspect of life - and it may be at times, because not everyone is kind or has same eyes, etc. But that doesn't mean it's the same scenario for everyone

And yeah, I do try to build my self-esteem. I have been working on it for YEARS. I didn't develop eating disorder behaviors because I thought not eating/binge eating was cute, but because I hated myself so much that food was TORTURE. I didn't spend half of my teens applying 10 layers of make up because I liked it - no, no one likes sweating heavy foundation at 16. It was because I hated my face that not looking at it, was EASIER. I didn't spend hours looking in the mirror because loved myself, but to see if my face would change. I guess you could say I almost had body dysmorphia, and my only way to avoid going donw that hole is to not think about it. To not even look in the mirror, to not even go on the scale, to not look at sizing scales or go search on google "calculate my beauty" or "how ugly am I". I HAVE been doing that for past 4 years and guess what? I feel a bit better but not that much. Because it's not just the fact I was called this or that, but the fact people I was told to trust (adults) brainwashed me enough to think I am not worth love. Because for more percentage of my life I was told I was unable to be loved than able to. So much that small jokes about it being hard for me to have a boyfriend hurt me. So much that people asking me why I never had one, leave me in tears. I am or wish to be sure that once I can put those words I heard as a kid, behind.. once I can 100% trust I won't be pushed or laughed at by a group of guys when I interact with more people.. once I can teach my mind that it's safe, that people won't hurt me just because I am me - things will change. But seriously, do people know how hard that is to change? I am not going to erase 2 decades of hurt in 2 months or 2 years. It's mathematically impossible. It's like expecting one day of rain to fix a 10 year drought - do you know what happens if that scenario was true, geologically speaking? If in one day were to rain enough to fix a drought, you're talking landslides and recipe for a terrible natural disaster. That's not true growth, recovery or progress. That's recipe for relapse into old behaviors. That's what I have tried for past 10 years and have failed at, because never works.

------------------------------------------------------------------

RANT OVER, I didn't even re-read this, I don't know if there's typos or makes sense. Just putting it out, and log out

@wizeakre Thank you and probably you're right on the " I think it's the only thing they can think of to say when they're uncomfortable and feel like they have to say something to close the issue so they can talk about something else", often seems like that's the case. The "let's ignore it and maybe will go away". And yeah, it wasn't right and it's so sad that took me ages to realize that, until 1-2 years ago I really felt they were right - but now I see it's just abusive behavior coming through. Acknowledging that is one thing, changing it is a whole other lol

Positive afirmations don't usually work for me, I used to do the "put happy positive post-it notes everyone" when was 17/18 and at one point had like 30+ different ones in my bedroom walls. Nah. But trying to dress in a way that I feel "me" helped a bit, since I used to dress to please what people said was 'beautiful' on me. The physical aspects part is true, though even if tough. And yeah, it does help a bit, thank you!

@givemecoffee

Can I say that I am sitting here too and you have my support?

You're 1000% right! I can empathize with your rant.

@Torremp thank you!

It's impressive how a tv show can 'affect' me. I am watching Crazy ExGirlfriend (season 3 right now, and omg) and it makes me question certain things and also because it has a comedic value to it, it doesn't let me overthink them. Seriously, that show has been helping me when I get numb. But it reminded me of how, when I watched "13 reasons why" it was when I first questioned.. if I got sexually harrassed/assaulted, etc. Until then, I tried to push it as normal, because people told me to. "Oh a teen boy touched you? that's normal, they are stupid and immature" but it wasn't like that, and even when my friends shared how in middle school a guy lifted up her skirt and was same thing - I was trying to explain, how it's not same thing, but I wasn't able to. Some memories got blocked, I knew something else happened but besides the actual scene, I didn't remember it. And then, middle of an episode, boom - memory. Of how one them threatened to rape me, by whispering into my ear how it was only a sample, how if they got me alone "they would do more". I had nightmares, flashbacks, and it all made sense. I mean, this last part only is now. It makes sense why I started shaking and panicking if I was them in a school or university campus. I kept telling myself "it's stupid that I am scared of bullies" - because they weren't JUST bullies. I was going through some old journals from when I first went to university before dropping out, things I had forgotten about because memory issues. Of how, on my first week, I saw one of them there and my classmates got confused. I went from laughing at a joke, to pale and shaky, they started to look around and try to ask me what had happened. I had just met them so didn't want to tell them "oh hey yeah I have issues"

Well, this is why I refuse to see season 2. But funny how I remembered this over this new show which by the way, is great - nothing compared.

Also short update:

- Had one of my worst breakdowns in therapy this week, cried and sobbed for 90% of it. Left still with my eyes red and swollen so some people looked at me weirdly

- Have been trying to fight this depression relapse by staying busy and focusing on my projects. I would say is working at a.. 20% level. I am doing 'something', but still not as much as I wished. But something is more than nothing

- I also don't know if I had posted about this realization before I HATE my memory at times, I'm unable to remember if I said something or if I didn't, unless I write it down. Sometimes I can, but not most times. It's why I love my bullet journal.

Today I realized I got into automatic "fake mother-daughter relationship" mode when around family, and that's just.. crap. What usually happens is, most times when visit family the women go to one side and the men to the other, so I join the women's side for 2 seconds without thinking, share a laugh and then it's like the switch went and I get up. As if mentally I go "I've done my job, time to leave". I guess may seem weird, but it's just like this since I was a kid, especially at one of my uncle's.

When was my grandfather's house, was different. As soon as I went inside, I waved and went straight to the room I would watch TV in to not face anyone. Since got forced to stay there all day because of my mother, I would make sure she knew I was forced. I never left the room. Same as when family came home, I was never around my mother. In the computer. But other family members? Her friends? I got used to pulling it off, the smile/soft laughter when she says a joke, sitting there as an acessory. If it's family, I stand up and walk away after. If it's her friends, I just hope time goes by quick.

It's funny how I've always done this, never actually realized it. Or better said, realized how instinctive and quick action it is. Also funny how I realized days ago, she didn't (ever) know what I like. Not even what food I like or not. I know I'm a picky eater since birth, but my rules rarely change: desserts can't touch so only eat one type at a time, fruit shouldn't be peeled nor cut up, no banana in fruit salad, no boiled carrots or cheese, no water in juice, etc.. these things never changed since I was 5. She still doesn't realize them. I know it's minor, but it's like "all mothers know their kids". All good* mothers? Also, I was REALLY a picky eater as a kid and I still am. But can't tell you how "cringe" it is to me, to see someone eat pudding, mouse, ice cream, fruit salad, jello, cake - all in one plate and it mixing. As a kid, going to weddings and buffets during dessert time was a nightmare LOL I just got chills. HOW CAN YOU ACTUALLY TASTE THE CAKE, COME ON

I shouldn't feel like this, I shouldn't struggle, I shouldn't call this "trauma", I shouldn't hate my family, I shouldn't feel my childhood was bad

People have it worse. DAMN, a LOT of people have it worse. I had friends whose lifes I considered worse than mine. I was their listening ear, I was the listening ear to everyone, I know everyone's secrets and I keep them since I can remember. I was my family's and friend's listener, and that sucks.

I still feel I force my mental health issues, but its in days like these: when everything is pointing to go okay, when I wake up fine, I am okay great working, busy, happy, doing yoga at 9 am, breakfast, washing my hair, making art, making lunch, cleaning the kitchen and still at 2 pm a deep emptiness hit. By 3 pm I didn't feel real. By 4 pm the TV was on but I didn't really pay attention to it and by 5 pm I felt would explode of pain. No trigger, no memory, no nothing.

I don't know anything anymore

I am workingb SO HARD on being okay, but seems okay is impossible for me

But my life isn't bad enough for me to not be okay. My mental health isn't bad enough for me to not be okay. SO WHY AM I NOT OKAY

I mean I am and then I'm not and that's what I hate. I hate this inconsistency, this yes/no, this absence of black and white, this existence of multiple shades of opacity in grey that means absolutely nothing when you compare it with reality.

Just had a memory pop up. Flashback of sorts. Not sure if had mentioned it before, but this time was just way too real to ignore

I am 11 or 12, I think. We're driving home from my grandfathers, and I had told my dad a previous event where my mother completely ignored my emotions and put herself/her family first. As soon as we go in the highway, he tells her calmly "please take into consideration (my name), she is your daughter" to which she replies in anger, and defending herself over nothing. The conversation escalates. The car speeds up, to over the limit and I start to notice something's wrong. Both my parents are arguing, and suddenly my dad yells "stop lying. We are NOT your family, we don't matter to you" - she replies in anger, saying how that is hurtful, how she cares, how all she cares is about us. He replies "lies lies, all lies, you don't defend her, you don't defend US". The car starts going slightly in S's, and we're going over a bridge.

I just remember closing my eyes and holding tight while holding onto the safety belt (I never wore one), praying we hit so the arguing stops. (it's so real right now, I think I may cry). At one point, my mother realizes how fast we're going and she yells "slow down, slow down" - but he is angry, he is angry because of what I told him about her. The rest of the way is she yelling how we could've crashed, how careless he is, how he doesn't care if she dies. When we get home, she opens the door before he parks and runs home to sleep. We stood inside the car for a minute in silence, and then left.

In that car, there used to be a small space in the backseat, if I hid my face well no one could notice I was crying. So I would push myself to the right side, and tilt my head to the right and back, pretending to be asleep - just to cry. Many times I did that while they argued, usually about something my mother or her family did, that hurt me. I would also let my hair down, to hide tears.

I see the scene of the bridge repeat in my mind. How he took the hands off the wheel to prove we weren't going to crash, how she yelled for him to stop, saying "you have a death wish, but not me". How years later, I would on purpose bring up stuff she told me while in the car, so could force her to listen - if was at house, she could easily pick up the house phone (she didn't have a cellphone) or go into another room, you can't do that in a car.

I can't say how often those car-arguments happened, but I can say that they're all a blur and mixed together. I don't know what to make of this.. maybe I'll sleep. I haven't had flashbacks in.. months..

@givemecoffee Update: these days have been a.. mess.. one day I'm okay and can function slightly or well (today was one of those), then next day I'm a complete mess and can't do anything (that was yesterday). I don't know why, I thought was stress but all the stressors are over so I expected things to get better - but no. I seriously don't know anymore.