Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels

A rant/talk on things that happened this week:

My dad has a hate speech, and it doesn't upset me. Usually. I just avoid certain topics, I learned to master the act of being close to someone with huge belief differences - though we agree on other things, so it balances out. Side-note: as a kid, people used to classify my dad as either "the coolest funnier father around" or "the evilest monster alive", that never helped how I thought. Because if people said he was cool and fun, I'd force myself to act that way, and if they said he was a monster, I would try to see why. Moving on, I'm not here to categorize him: I'm over that. Just explaining

The whole Golden Globe thing brought up one topic that does make him go on rants. How he feels all women that "call rape" do it for attention and fake, that if a women says got sexually assaulted that she "earned it". In a way, not going to say he's not right.. a bit.. I think everyone knows that one person that will use the trendiest term around to call for attention. When I was in school was "bullying", everyone used it as a joke even most people used it seriously. But I tried to defend "myself" without him knowing, and he kept saying how women tease men and do it on purpose. I know he meant how in his workplace some women are like that (and those women are annoying.. but they're not a good sample). So I just shut up.

What was I supposed to say? "I got sexually assaulted" "some kids took advantage when I was 13"? He'd probably ask "so what". The problem with me and my dad's relationship is that I am way too empathetic and follow feelings, he is cold. He doesn't focus on feelings, he follows facts, hard core science. When I was bullied, he didn't offer compassion, he asked me what I wanted him to do as if I held the answers. When I was inpatient in psychiatric hospital, I saw him struggle to use 'emotions' because it's such a foreign concept for him.

On other hand, my mother. She is overly emotional, but makes it about herself. When she knew about the bullying, she.. I don't remember her reactions. I wish I did, so I could make a comparassion. But that was around the time she was constantly 'popping pills' for migraines and whatever, plus doctors and my dad getting angry when she ended up in hospital for not taking her of herself. Sad truth is, I don't remember. Oh well

Also, my grandmother's death anniversary was earlier this week. 15 years, apparently. First year I didn't have a breakdown on the day. I am feeling weird yet, last year was when I broke down in therapy and got a flashback about my teacher's suicide. Which, if memory fails, has it's 15th death anniversary in a week or so. That was the thing that first made me realize all about my childhood. But weird how this year I didn't feel the need to 'let it out'. My mom has the tendency to say "your grandmother died x years ago on this day" with a smile, and I always feel like yelling at her "can you not".

Only this past year this I feel I grieved. Or completed it. And it's not her reminding me of it, I remember her in many things and I'm okay with it. It's how she says it, with a smile, and casually. Just that. She'll open the door and tell me that, just like someone said "dinner's ready" or "the bills are paid". I don't know, feels it lack sentiment. Just because I don't say it out loud 'hello everyone on earth' style doesn't mean I don't remember her

I still have the stuffed animal on my bed that she hugged right before giving to me, when we moved

I try to remember her words when told me she believes I can accomplish my dreams no matter what, especially when stuck

I remember her when I have cammomile tea, because she made it when I was sick - I do it, when I'm unwell or stressed

But I don't need to say it out loud to make it real. The last 15 years, everytime my mother said that, I'd hide in the bathroom and cry for hours, pain was too much. I saw her face everywhere until I was 10. I didn't want anyone to mention her until I was around 14, just her name made me uneasy. That's why that movie Anastasia (I mentioned posts ago) meant so much.. it made me accept she died. But this year I didn't cry then. I had a breakdown this week, but was not because of it haha

But it's good. It's weird. But weird can be good

I hate when people try to make their situation look like the worst situation ever, as a way to get sympathy and if anyone else says "I experienced same thing" they say "NO YOU DID NOT" as if they are self-proclaimed judge of pain.

My mother does this about everything. The thing is everyone calls her perfect, says all good things about her, defends her. Even when she is calling her boss names and taking loud and rude to her, everyone will cheer her on - even when she comes home and says how much her boss is rude to her.

I mean, I'm starting to think this isn't trauma related but family issues related. Or are both related. I don't know anymore. All I know is yesterday had a bad therapy session, and my mind went all over the place. Especially when my therapist was talking about acceptance and how I should accept how I feel, etc. And she acted in same way as my mother. Gestures, words. I saw my mother in her. I blocked. I literally blocked. Suddenly my mind started going 'outside', I didn't listen to a word. She would ask me if I'm understanding and I'd just shake my head. I had so much trouble telling her how I felt these past months.. and I did, and was going okay and then.. that.

I just had my memory bringing me back to when I was first getting mental health help, and the way my mother talked to me. Yelling "believe in yourself, self-esteem up up up" in my face, causing me anxiety attacks and saying I just didn't want to get better. She'd literally go up to me, put her hand on my forehead and scream "self-esteeeeeeem self-esteeeeem, believe in yourself go ahead", or shaking me by my shoulders as if I was being exorcised. That is if I exclude the times she threw holy water on me saying my depression was demons, while doing the same I described above. And if I panicked, cried, started shaking.. she stopped? No, She spoke louder, shook me more. Until realized I wasn't feeling better. Then just gave up, said I don't want to get better and how "that cured her depression and anxiety, which was terrible"

Yes I remember, mother

Don't forget I was the one helping you, when you were crying. She used to call me in the room when she was crying over my grandmother, when I was 8 and 9, and hug me crying. I just stood there, numb. While she cried and mumbled. I was immune. I was a stuffed animal, an object. I became afraid to leave the office room when my mother was crying, I recognized it by the music she was playing. I remember telling my dad "I want to eat something, but if I go by the living room, she'll grab me and cry" and he'd sigh, and ask me if I wanted to play a game on the computer. So I'd stay busy playing games or drawing, until she went to bed.

Yup. Nice. Okay have to study, my mind today is all over the place. Woke up dizzy, not sure why. Headache.

Why is it that ads about "mothers" have to keep on showing? Why do people treat mothers as saints who cannot do anything wrong?

Where's the ad saying all qualities a father possesses? Or that fathers can also parent a child? Why is that even in tv shows, movies, books.. the mother is the saint and the father always the bad guy?

I am literally get upset when hear the same ad over and over. Usually they don't upset me. But this one.. this one, did.

It starts off with saying "do you keep your patience when everything is wrong? do you (idk exactly what) not cry when something you love is broken bla bla bla" while showing videos with mothers and their babies "then you'll be a GREAT mom"

Thanks

You know what, thanks

Years ago I found out it's not allowed to celebrate mother's day in schools anymore, at least not here. Too hurtful for "motherless children". Too hurtful for kids whose mothers died

How about those whose mothers DID NOT die? How about those whose mothers wake up, eat, and breathe in same place as them but feel ten thousand miles away? Oh yeah. I'm allowed to celebrate - no wait - I'm FORCED to celebrate it. Yes, forced. I'm forced to sit by her and smile, to tell her how much I love her

Do I?

No. What for. I spent days crying each year as a kid, stressing out. I'd panic around my dad saying "what to buy her what to buy her" crying in a shop because didn't know what to buy

Is that nice???? It's THESE ads that made it. JEEZ okay you want to show the amazing power mothers can have

Well open your eyes

Not all do. And then keep on and don't post those ads

Don't, seriously, don't. Unless you will do fathers too, don't. Because I am sorry, but I am sure I ain't only one. Only one who's dad went up and did all that. And now I have to put up with that stuff each time I turn on the TV, that stupid music, that stupid line, that stupid video. I can't. It seems it haunts me. Everytime I go to a channel, there it is. I can't. Can't.

@givemecoffee

Parents are some of the most powerful people in our lives, especially when you still live with them.

It sounds like despite their flaws your parents still love you. Sometimes people cause us trauma or mistreat us and its not out of malice. Sometimes its them doing the only thing they know, or the best they can do. This doesnt make their actions hurt less. In some ways it can be harder. Its easy to write someone off when you know theyre being malicious.

When someone close to us betrays our trust in them, its harder to reconcile that hurt.

A parent that uses a child as an emotional crutch is engaging in toxic, inappropriate behavior. Your mother shouldnt have done that. Your father shouldnt have went along with it.

LIt cant be changed. What can be changed is whether you let the past have power over your present and your future.

Your mother must care about you even if she doesnt care about you in the way you want or need. She wouldnt have given a crap about your self esteem if you didnt matter to her.

It doesnt sound like your therapist is helping. It sounds like she talks about things that arent productive and that shes not in tune with you. Can you use someone else?

I hate being alone with my mother, it's awkward. I guess if we had something in common, would be easier. But sadly, we do not.

We don't like even similar music, my favorite music is scary to her.. I can't stand the popular folklore she listens to, so we agree on zero

We don't like similar movies or tv shows or whatever. She likes soap operas, only. I don't like soap operas at all, I like thrillers, cartoons, certain comedies, sci-fi.. Most of movies/tv shows I like are either scary or boring to her. Criminal Minds is 'scary' to her.

I like science, technology and art. She doesn't understand technology and neither art.. well, not enough. I refuse to have a conversation on science with her.. not to offend anyone but I'm an atheist, she's deeply religious. Religion is a topic I avoid, don't want arguments or anyone to feel disrespected, but she'll put it into everything even if I say "can you please not do this"

She's a super extrovert, I'm an introvert. Enough said.

She keeps indirectly criticizing my style/outfits etc. I tend to go to dark colors which is where I feel most comfortable, combat boots, leather-style jackets, dark lipsticks - to her that's "killing my soul" and will tell me with a sad face how she doesn't like how I'm dressing. I wasn't allowed to wear black in childhood/teen years, I slowly forced it by asking my dad if he could help me - but she would get upset. Even when I was 16 and bought a pair of black all-stars converse with my allowance money. But then will and compliment people who dress in all black, irony - moving on

She doesn't respect cartoons or video games at all. I guess this one isn't one I can't expect from a women that grew up in older generation that "girls should act pretty in skirts and not play boy games". And I grew up loving car video games, which she considered scary. She also doesn't play any board games, doesn't see fun in them.

Then there's other smaller things, like how she will prefer to buy cheaper bad quality things or decorate a house with only pictures, and I'm opposite.. but I don't really see those as signs we're opposite of each other. And in this way, opposites don't attract.

My dad is also opposite to her. That's in a way how they act 'well' together. And I'm more similar to him

Also, I think I'll install one video game.. you know what? I might. I had one, but sadly in October had to reinstall everything on my laptop so lost all my progress.. Talk about bad luck. And it may happen again, but Need For Speed always helped me deal with anger in a strange way lol (that or Sonic, hmm may install one today and then the other)

I sometimes find myself researching trauma and complex PTSD - I'm not trying to self-diagnose, just better understand me since seems C-PTSD it's the thing that better explains it and that usually leads more into recovery from traumatic events. And today found a video that mentioned sleep problems related to trauma.. it made me think of my sleep struggles.

I don't have insomnia, though have had episodes of it. But I did experience several episodes of sleep paralysis since I can remember. I never knew what it was, my parents didn't know, but in my mind felt I was about to die. I remember being 9 years old and waking up at 3 am after one of those episodes, and just forcing myself to stay awake, it was that scary. When I was 17 I by chance found an article on it.. and it was first time I realized I could do something about it. I still sometimes experience it when I'm more stressed, but usually can avoid bigger episodes.

My mother actually says she 'has same thing', but in my opinion from how she describes it.. she just has nightmares. Not saying her nightmares aren't as difficult (or night terrors, according to my dad) but it's not same thing, not even close. I am awake when they happen, I can hear everything around me, I don't see anything, it's full darkness, not breathing. If it's morning and my dad is preparing breakfast, I can hear the tv and him calling my name, but can't react. I don't wish it on anyone, and truth be told I could never understand WHY would they happen to me as a child

I can remember nightmares when I was 7/8 years old, or 'seeing things' when was awake in walls of my room.. such as people pointing guns at me, telling me they would kill me. When I was being bullied they got worse, I have a fear of dogs so my bullies would be represented by vicious dogs that attacked me. Many times I woke up and my whole body would hurt such as someone had cut me open in multiple places. Never understood why. I had dreams about people forcing me to chose death to my grandma shortly after she died, which was scary to say the least. Nightmares about being raped.. those were torture. And who knows.. maybe was my experiences as a kid, maybe not. They certainly don't explain the actual nightmares, but maybe could explain WHY I had more? I know people say "every kid has nightmares", yeah okay, true. But actually don't think most experience sleep paralysis on regular basis for over 10 years

Side-note, the way my mother talks about sleep paralysis as a nightmare and when people describe nightmares being "real" she tells them it's sleep paralysis KNOWING I've trusted her and shared it with her.. it upsets me. Annoys me. Not a little, but a lot. I have told her that and she laughs it off "they sound similar, I know because I have it". I doubt it, m'am. I highly doubt it.

I also never went into my parents bed after I turned 8. I think only time was one time I had about 3 nightmares in a row and couldn't stay awake, so freaked out. I never told them these nightmares. Never told anyone how I forced myself to stay awake sometimes for whole week, my parents just felt I forgot to turn off my light before sleep. When I got my phone, I would keep it under my bed with lantern on (I miss my Nokia 1100, I'll tell you that.. that lantern saved me, I have a fear of the dark but it's more fear of death/going blind than "of dark").

Well, I did some research because I heard about nightmares in childhood being associated to trauma.. but not about my experience. Though seems like yeah. Also seems like it can be considered a sleep disorder. I can't tell you how grateful I am to that article when I was in my teens, I was able to prevent them.. I also think my dad would be too.. one time he happened to wake me up from an episode while thinking I was just sleeping.. and I woke up screaming and shaking, just mumbling "I though I was dead.. all was dark.. I couldn't breath". He got the scare of a lifetime, let me tell you. He just was about to touch my shoulder and I stood up so quickly he almost feel! I laugh now, but took me about an hour to get calm.. because that was first episode in life 1 year, so I thought they were gone. Well, let's hope it doesn't happen again. Fingers crossed

This is a long one. Sorry. I just got pretty upset about something (some lamp got broken, money stuff) and distracted myself by watching the rest of the video since I had to leave home early and I got it recommended on youtube. Guess I'm more "cool" now and should go study.

@givemecoffee

I can relate to the sleep paralysis and night terrors. For me if I can make myself angry it helps the chemicals causing the paralysis dissipate. Im not sure where I read that, but its worked. The first time this happened to me, I was terrified and wasnt sure what was wrong with me. It will probably sound paranoid and crazy but I knew there were government operations in the area and I thought maybe I was being experimented on. I was about 11 or 12 at the time.

Ive had terrible nightmares that Im asleep and someone is standing over me with the intent to hurt me for years. They feel so real that its hard to tell when Ive finally woken up. Ive woken my husband up and asked him to walk me to the bathroom because I was too afraid to get out of bed on my own. I can relate to bloody dreams and disturbing themes. Sometimes they feel too real.

My mother doesnt have sleep paralysis as far as I know, but night terrors run in my family.

I hope your dreams get better. I think its just the minds way of working through a things, but it doesnt make them easier to deal with.

As as far as having a difficult time finding someone to relate with regarding your mother ... it may be a fear of vulnerability on their part. When things are painful it can be easier to gloss over them than have a real dialogue about feelings and open oneself up for judgement. You are not alone.

My dad was telling some funny stories from his childhood, some games he used to play as a kid. One game involved running after someone and "pretending to kill them" like when kids play cowboys or whatever, but by using a finger to touch the neck/under the chin.

I went into protective mode. It's what happens. If someone touches my neck I go into "back away screaming" mode. I have scared my cousins before, they were tickling me which sends me into panic and as soon as they (8 year olds) tickled my neck I screamed "JUST STOP" and pushed them away so fast and loud, my family stormed in the room and one of them started crying. So when he did that, I screamed "stop" pretty loud and my mind started going into flashback mode.

I didn't want to cause a scene. I didn't want to scream "why did you do it?! you know I hate when people touch my neck! just stop, why are you laughing" but he knew that. He should know it. Why do people not listen? Why do people assume that's me being "ticklish". Being ticklish isn't a fun thing. I despise it. If someone tickles me I panic, and I may go into protective mode and kick you. I don't mean in a "oh you so fun *light kick to the shoulder*" if I go into FULL PANIC, I will kick you in the leg, stomach, whatever I can. It may sound fun, but it's traumatic for me.

"Oh but everyone likes being tickled" yeah try being tickled for 10 minutes straight. By 10 people at same time, all of them on top of you. Try having that happen so much you stop breathing and everything goes white just like when you're about to pass out. Try having that happen every day, two times even a day. Try having that happen and when you try to get up, your head hurts because it finally got oxygen. Perhaps someone will look at this and think "oh so cool" but if you do - you're stupid. I'm sorry, you're stupid and I hate you. And don't tell me the "well just don't tickle people". There's a reason I don't tickle anyone, not even children. It's usually them that start.

So I was there, looking into nothingness, telling my mind not to panic, not to bring on flashbacks, not to freak out. My dad went on laughing about another childhood story. My mom didn't say a word, just nodded at him. On TV something about animals rights went on, and I took my anger onto it. I mean, I respect animals rights. They deserve them. I just get upset when people who love dogs don't respect cats at all, and I've gotten into arguments with people over how cats are amazing pets same as dogs. So when I see people only talking about dogs rights and then I hear neighbors laugh when a cat gets injured/dead.. I take it personally. I've seen too many of those scenarios. I've seen them happen times enough to feel like going after someone with a baseball bat when they say a cat is worthless. Even though I'm against violence, it's just UGH WHY Same as when someone bullies/abuses a child for laughter.

So my anger went on that, and I ranted for about 10 minutes on how cat's rights matter. Did my parents notice I shifted my panic into random anger, for no reason? No. Did they care? No. My mom stayed neutral, my dad went on how having a pet isn't a right but a "luxury" (we disagree on certain things, but I don't get upset by him saying that - he has no attachment to anyone or anything, but he can't deny he cried when our cat passed away, I saw him crying lol)

And the score so far this week is:

Mental health - 3

Me - 1

Yes, I've been struggling quite a bit this week. I say "3" referring to the 3 days it probably is about 30-1 lol *ba dum tuss*

Was just in a trauma support session and remembered my dad's punishments. If I ever mentioned them to someone I would laugh it off, and most times people just looked at me strangely. Then one person said "that's not really funny". And then someone else a year or two ago told me "I'm sorry to tell you this but it sounds like abuse"

It shocked me. Suddenly me feeling like was torture came back, and me laughing it off felt like me hiding the pain

The punishments could just be do all multiplication tables 10 times each, do walk squats all over the living room - which may seem like a fun experience, but he'd make me do it while not allowing me to touch the floor or furniture with my hands, many times I was crying in pain. I was like 8-10, keep in mind. Eat my most disliked foods. Cheese, peas, ham are foods that are nauseating for me, so if I refused something he'd prepare me a cup of milk (I hate plain milk) and a sandwhich of just cheese and bread. I'd cry, beg not to eat it. If I refused to eat, which happened every time, he'd yell and threaten to force it down my thorat. Most times I puked. A couple times puked on the table - which made me get slapped. I have a phobia of vomiting over it and other situations (health conditions).

If I refused medication or did something 'wrong' I would have to drink water. Just cup after cup after cup. If I didn't drink quick enough, it was one more added. At the end I had over a liter of water on my stomach and could feel my stomach full of liquid - yes, sometimes I puked. Sometimes it happened in my grandfathers house, my family laughing in the distance while I cried and sobbed.

One time I failed P.E in 6th grade because a teacher ordered us to do a paper - and my mother was home for a week after being sent to hospital, and I had to do part of the cleaning and food for us both. I couldn't send it, even though wasn't mandatory, and I failed that term. When my dad saw it, he was upset. Made me do a headstand in living room because I said I wouldn't do it in class (when he said couldn't be only over the paper - and it wasn't, the teacher just hated me because I was bad at sports). I was panicking because when I one time did the headstand, I stopped breathing because fell backwards in class (my friends looked away on purpose). But got forced to do it and then to come down on my own. Because we did it in our living room, I was in between coffee table and couch. I feel badly and my dad missed to grab my legs quick enough, so I feel with side of my back on the wood portion of the couch. I'm not lying when I say I had back pain for a week and a bruise that was 2 cm away from my spine. He said was my fault.

And I could go on. I know I say I forgived him, but this is the part that's something hard to fully accept. I laughed it off, I said was normal, that every parent does this. That every parent forces 10 or 12 cups of water on their 11 year old because she won't swallow medicine. That every parent makes their 9 year old walk in squat back and forth the living room 10 times and shouts each time she fell because legs were giving up, with the excuse that "it's to make you stronger".

And still I had times I was laughing and having fun. Times he taught me balance positions from karate, in case someone ever tried to kick me down. Took me to throw hoops in a basketball field downtown every day after school because my classmates called me weak over being shortests in class, and to go on a walk in a park and buy me ice cream so we didn't stay in my grandfathers house with them calling me names and being rude and abusive. Played checkers and card games with me every Saturday night, even if after one of those anger outbursts and punishments, when I was scared of him, so I didn't end the day on a bad note.

You see why I'm confused? How can I call someone who went with me to my award presentation in 4th grade when no one else wanted to go, who tried to make me follow my dream which is graphic design even though all my family yelled "medicine/doctor" at my ears, who defended me when my mother's family was pretty much being the definition of abusive. Was he the best father ever? No, that's for sure. Was he the worst? No. Was he an okay father? Yes. Was he best he could be? I don't know.

I just know it feels weird describing those punshiments and say I'm okay with him and not with my mother.

LONG RANT AHEAD----

I hate visiting my grandfather's house. Worse than that, I hate being emotionally forced there. I could've said no. I could've fought back. I could've stamp my foot down and not move, but I learned through the years it's better to go even if visually against my will than receive the guilt of "when he dies, you'll cry on his grave". I've told you. I won't.

The day started bad from the moment my mom picked up the phone yelling at an 'aunt'. My grandfather's house was silent, my grandfather went to pray as soon as he saw us and brutally said "go eat, it's out in the kitchen". I didn't eat lunch, I hate his food - plus, you yelling at me saying "GO EAT, I don't care what you do but go eat because I never saw you eat and you look disgusting" as soon I step inside the door.. doesn't make me want to eat it.

May seem like something small and yes, is. But me sitting there, having to eat something because was being offered and hearing my grandfather say "she isn't eating a thing, I haven't seen her eat since she got in here, she is about to die" brought back memories, flashbacks even. May not see like much, but imagine being 8 years old and hearing this day and night. Being told this when you're 12 and eating a whole bag of peanuts because you were so angry you lost conscious, and then being told 10 minutes later when you refuse lunch because you're full how "she is two minutes away from dying, look at her, disgusting and skeletal" even though I ate the whole bag.. even though he saw the empty bag

He doesn't say it like most grandparents do, with a smile and a pat in the back. But with hate. As if he's spitting on you. I've had chips bags thrown at me, yes thrown. He opened the door, thrown it at me and said "eat! you look disgusting" and walked out. Or open my door and ask "do you want some coke?" and if I said "no, thank you" with a smile he'd say "I can smell the death in you" or "many kids would BEG for a nice grandfather like me, selfish"

Many times I'd binge eat when I had to visit him. I'd go to the supermarket nearby, buy all food I could get and eat it in the back of his apartment building or wherever I could find. The stress of seeing him was too much. I've self-harmed in that house, because of him. I'd do ANYTHING to avoid visiting him. If my friends had something planned for 3 pm, let's say, and school was over at 1pm - I'd use it as an excuse to keep them company until 3 pm and then wait in town to meet them afterwards as another excuse.

So I was there being told how i never ate (lie), how he never saw me eat (another lie), over and over. I dissociated. I can say I did, because my family started noticing I was upset and did they say anything? NO my mother just silently told her father "she knows.. I told her.. yes.."

My mother could've told him "father, please don't do that - it's upsetting for her, and I'd appreciate if you didn't". No, she doesn't because it's rude to disrespect the elder. But it's okay and funny to disrespect the younger. UGHHHH

After a while, about 3 hours doing NOTHING only hearing shouting I told my dad "are we leaving?" for the 20th time, he said "when your mother is finished" (she was baking something with my aunt). So I grabbed my bag and said I'm leaving, call me when you're done. My dad said to tell my mother, I rolled my eyes and walked away as I heard my grandfather ask "where is she going?!" and my dad reply laughing "she's going to get fresh air". But then I remembered why I kept pushing the walkin away feature for the 5 tormenting hours.

That town is torture. Only a supermarket nearby, seriously only. I could take a bus home, but would take me about 4 hours to get home. I questioned myself over and over why I didn't say no, why I didn't stay home, if this was even worth it, what am I doing here. This may sound stupid, but all I had was flashbacks from that time where I used to binge eat. I could almost mentally see me in my frantic run through the aisles, small shopping basket on one hand just quickly throwing stuff in and not having eye contact with anyone, when I tried to pick something to eat. I tried to focus on the food in the supermarket, but my mind kept shiftng. I ended up leaving with just some colorful ball point pens that I had wanted to buy yesterday. I walked into a small beauty/pharmacy shop nearby. My mind kept shifting too. I felt unreal, like a dream could end soon and I'd find myself in a worsen reality. Stood outside on the edge of a balcony, looking down. My mind was not in 2018, my mind had moved back to when I was 16, 17, 18. It was as if I was back in the times I'd wait for a friend to text me so I could escape my family, or that I had just stormed out the door after telling my mother she better defend me because I'm her family as she said, with a mean look on my face.

Which is stupid, it's stupid. It's stupid to have flashbacks of eating disorder behavior. It's stupid to have flashbacks of high school. It's stupid to have derealization over a family meeting. It's stupid that I only left after 5 HOURS and not 5 minutes. It's stupid that I even said "yes". I didn't say yes, you see. I didn't. I just went on. If this was about sexual consent, this situation would be considered rape because I said no so many times that me being forced turned my "no's" into silent bitter agreements. I never said yes, I never said "yay let's go, I'm so happy" but rather a "keep in mind, I'm going against my will". Yes I am 23. Yes I am legally an adult. But has anyone ANYONE who had a emotionally manipulative mother honestly said their mother never pushed them into things??? YES my relationship with her is BROKEN BROKEN forever unfixed, but what can I do? I am still a little girl inside looking for validation from my mother, looking for her to do my braids and teach me how to apply mascara. Oh wait she did teach me how to apply mascara - then I got an eye infection and she said "too bad", I was 10 years old and went to school with swollen eyes and let me tell you, those eye drops were painful. She said too bad, even though I never wanted to wear that mascara, but she told me would look "pretty". Did she care? No, she said "you should've known how to remove it, too bad, same happened to me". I WAS 10! I never used makeup, I didn't even know what mascara was.

I am just way too upset, way too upset. Way too hurt. I couldn't study, my day was ruined. Ruined. I came home all steemed, all frustrated. I was lucky my dad told her I had walked away far and I would meet them by the car, instead of having her insist I go back to the apartment to greet everyone again. But she smiled, she smiled all the way, she giggled, she laughed. She saw me come home fully upset, visually upset because I threw my bag around and even kicked it when it slid down my shoulder by mistake. And she still SMILED and GIGGLED when I said "I hate going there"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

I don't even know if I'm only angry about it or more stuff, llike these days have been stressful - these past weeks have been stressful. I've had to fight me almost going into depression again - I hate when these episodes happen. Now I have to do it again. I can feel myself waking up tomorrow in full blown numbness and I can't handle that again. Not again. And yes, I know I could've prevented it but aaaaahhhhh I am at a point in my life, I give up fighting and just float away. I hope one day I can afford my own place, and that one day is soon. But for me to do it, I have to be 'okay' with family and avoid future arguments. I have to be able to afford the college education for 3 or 4 years, I have to be able to apply and for that need my parents financial support. After that, need to work enough while living with them to afford my own place. After that, I'm free. I know I'll still keep in touch with my dad (he knows eletricity and all that, so it's always good to have someone teach me how to use power tools etc - yes, I'm a girl but what's so bad in using power tools as a girl? I used a saw when I was 10 and made a wood frame, why did everyone give me the "ewww" look?)

I'm ranting now. I know. Jeez. Ranting. I just needed to get this out because I need to sleep and I felt me drifting back into hopelessness and numbness and have to avoid it.

I didn't study today. I had planned to study before we left (but we left way too early) and I had planned to study after we got home (but I was way too irritated to study without throwing a book or two out the door or into a fire) So yes, all is to be done tomorrow.

p.s: I didn't re-read this so.. if something seems stupid, brat-ish, wrong, triggering, I'm sorry. I just UGH getting this out and shuting up. Sorry. This is so unrealted to trauma sub-comm, but seriously what is my diary afterall? Me ranting about me being a brat over fake traumas

LONG RANT OVER--