Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels

@givemecoffee

Ah, but who says its not true? Are you listening to that little inner voice again? No, no, no, do not lend that voice your ear.

I read your post earlier about a film you like to watch at this time of the year - Anastasia. It reminded me of a great movie, and I wondered if youd seen it? ‘Its a wonderful life. I defy anyone to watch that and fail to see their worth. So when that little voice gets relentless, just look again from a different angle.

@DeborahUK Yeah I probably did listen, because it's what comes more often.. I never seen that movie, google says it's from 1946 and the description looks to "romantic/drama" movie for me (I don't like romantic dramas much) but I'll probably check the trailer. I'm just very picky with movies, since my concentration doesn't last long but when love a movie, love it a lot.

Thank you. But it just feels like the truth and yesterday I was really struggling with numbness again, so was hard.

@givemecoffee

I wouldnt have called it romantic. Its more feel good. And yes, it is a pretty old film, but more an oldie but goody, not a mouldy oldie!

I wonder how youre feeling today? You sounded so low yesterday, and thats such an awful place to be. I hope youve managed to look outside yourself a little and see the good qualities you possess. None of us are straightforward and just plain wonderful, thats what makes us human. But think of those little chinks as what makes you uniquely you, and be the best version of you that you can be :)

@DeborahUK These days have been tough, so I have not been feeling much better. Maybe it's the season. Thank you

@givemecoffee

Yes, the season. And from reading your post below I can see it raises lots of memories.

The thing with memories is theyre pretty much frozen in time. So a memory of something that happened when you were eight for example, will be captured as your eight year old self recalled it. Which can make some memories wondrous and magical. But it can also make other memories more monstrous, more inexplicable, because our eight year old safe didnt have the ability to reason in the way our adult self does. Often with memories we recall the feeling attached to it, but would it be a different feeling if that memory was being made now by the older and supposedly wiser adult?

You talk below about people leaving, but would that memory be so emotive now, or is it just that when you were younger friendships seemed so special and irreplaceable because you were permanently convinced youd met your best friend for life? Yet as an adult we can see that friendships come and go, lots of them are in the moment, and its the exception rather than the rule to make that really strong bond with someone that will keep them in your life for ever more.

Ill stop my musings now and leave you to yours!

I was studying, trying to end everything. I was listening to a Maria Mena playlist, since one song got recommended on youtube and I was pretty joyful and motivated. Then a couple songs came, little by little the lyrics popped in my head. I'd just write the lyrics down in a piece of paper, hoping I'd forget them.. but then another song, and another. I mean, was only 3 songs in matter of 1 or 2 hours, but enough to make me lose my focus. Thankfully was on the last exercise it all hit me. I didn't finish it, so it's uncomplete. But I mean all.

Memories of my family when I was a kid. The fact people have been talking about gifts, lately, doesn't help. Because it's tricky. My family gave me gifts, when I was a child, but they were "for show" or collection items I wasn't allowed to touch.

Memories of how my mother "eats". That's the thing people sometimes didn't saw, people used to say my mother was too thin and tell my dad was "starving her", when in fact he would cook dinner and she would only eat a couple pieces. That started many arguments, especially when I was 12 and using her as an excuse to not eat, or when my dad found her throwing food on trash. No, I don't think she has an eating disorder. But probably doesn't care for her health either. Nor mine. Considering she said some hurtful things to me when I gained weight due to medication and binge eating. But then bought me tons of food because "I looked so happy eating" (yes, crying and having anxiety attacks is happy..).

And memories of everyone that left me. I never forget. I remember anyone that has left. I wish I didn't, but I always do. I remember everything. I just got a tiny memory, it's a nice one though. When I was in 5th grade, one of my classmate's mother passed away. Of course our teacher asked us to draw a card for her, but when I got home and my mother said "one of your classmate's mother died, did you know" I felt hurt and almost disgusted at how gossip works. A few years later, the girls best friend stopped talking to her, this was after my class bullied me and her friend also did hurt me a whole lot - the girl never did, and believe me I remembered it. I even remembered when she congratulated me on my shoes, when everyone called me ugly and then bought similar shoes. So when I was with one of my friends I made after the bullying (only one, new student) I told her "do you see that girl there, sitting alone.. how about we invite her for lunch with us?". My friend was a bit confused why, but said "okay" and we all 3 wents for french fries plus spent almost an hour telling jokes. This is to me, the best example of what I mean by "I remember everything"

Yes, I remember everyone that leaves and hurts me. I remember every word, every hurt, every face. But I also remember the people that did those small things. Like a girl who came up to me when I was crying alone in back of school, and talked to me. Plus, when a school worked told me to file a report about my bullies, the girl went with me and helped me write it. Didn't work, but the fact she did.. meant a lot. Or when some students in my high school started making fun of me, and other girl who found out through my best friend I had been bullied, shut them up and invited me for lunch. I mean, I'm not going to say those things make me feel happy at all times.. not true. They're small things, don't compare to the hurtful things in terms of ammount or power on me. But I never forget those things or those people.

I don't like calling me "altruistic" or "generous", because I feel that's egocentric of me. But I hate seeing people treated unfairly. Sometimes I don't notice it, but when I notice doesn't matter if you're family or friend, I speak up. Sometimes not loudly, sometimes in a whipser (not want people to hate me), but it's impossible to not notice on my face. It's impossible, I'm transparent in that case.

Okay, I should go sleep. This was just bothering me so much I had to type it out. I mean, I don't know exactly what, but I felt like crying again and not a good cry but a desperate cry. I felt so overwhelmed, like someone was pulling a carpet under my feet and I going through it in slow motion. This is difficult season, that's all. I make zero sense again, I am rambling again but.. i don't know. Is this annoying?

Today was a good Christmas Eve. It's confusing to put those words in same sentence. I guess because I never felt I had a 'good christmas'. But I also don't feel I qualify for a bad christmas either. It's just that as a kid, handling drunk people and arguments, it's never nice. I guess of all, not having my mother home on christmas day is the easiest to get used to - she works on that day since I can remember, and it's not like she was much around either. So I know, when I wake up, it's going to be coffee and open up the 1 or 2 gifts under the tree. I know some people will say "only that" and some people will say "you should feel lucky" but I don't feel neither. I don't know, I hate receiving gifts just 'because' and without any thought. But I also feel hurt I don't have enough people on my life to give me memorable gifts, no friends, you know, hurts. I can't wait to open one of them though, my little cousin was always asking me to open it in front of her.. but here we open on December 25th so we wait! She was excited to see my face.

But basically I feel confused. This was probably first Christmas Eve in long time I was actually smiling towards night and not crying or feeling miserable, alone, hurt. I mean, yes sometimes was nice but not like now. I don't know. My memory is foggy at times. But was nice today. So nice that, while I'm writing this I am feeling I am missing something off the day.. that something must have gone bad and I'm ignoring it or confused.

I think I wrote an entry here days ago where I said I couldn't believe I called my 'situation' in middle school "sexual assault". I keep jumping from one to the other, if is sexual assault or sexual harrasment. The reason is I don't see anyone making a clear difference between the two - I've researched sooo much and usually find sexual assault = rape, and it wasn't rape. But was more than harrasment.

Days ago found a Kati Morton video (I love her, seriously her videos have helped me a lot) where she said a clear definition of it, so I'm going to write it here, just in case:

Sexual assault: is any unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape

Sexual harassment: harassment in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks

By this defintion, the more clear I've found, I was sexual assaulted nor harassed. It was shock when I first noticed it, and I ignored it for days (got busy with Holidays and then flu), but now remembered it and started to doubt myself. But it was. It's hard not to fully doubt myself, I didn't tell anyone when happened.. and why would I? It happened in middle of a classroom when teacher left, everyone watching and saw glimpses of the boys friends filming it too. I was trying to push them away, hit them, punch or kick them but couldn't. It was in a teather class, so was secluded from the other classes.. I just felt them, heard them, and when was over was when the teacher came in. I was shaking, so tried to push it aside. I only told one friend who didn't understand, and my current therapist. When I told my current therapist she asked me:

"Why are you telling me this now? What made you remember this?"

I can't say what or why. It just comes randomly. Can go months without thinking about it, or days with only thinking about it. If I go by a group of guys, I hug myself tight and keep my head down while walking fast through them. It's my instinct. The thought of being touched by a guy or kissed, it's scary. But why?? I don't know, I should only feel this way if was worse, if was way way worse. The truth is I had nightmares for years of them finding me to "finish the job".

I have thought.. if should write what happened, write it out. Maybe post here? I can't remember if I described it here or not, because I tend to write write write and then delete and not post. Has anyone found it helpful to write it out, when something happened that hurt you for years or like a decade? Jeez a decade. A joke between some kids with less than 2 brain cells cost me a decade of pain.

Sorry if this sounds messy, I just got a bit distracted during it.. my mind goes into panic mode when I write about that situation, as if I'm there again, and I have to get some stuff done (mainly dishes.. spent almost 2 days in bed due to flu and didn't help out in cleaning AT ALL so feel guilty and want to clean up something today, while my energy is up) okay bye. And if anyone is reading is: Happy New Year, in case I don't post any new entries

Random, but.. just remembered this. I always laughed as a kid, how my blood could kill my mom's second baby if I had a sibling ever since we studied blood types in school. But couple weeks ago, because of some conversation over some family member and her pregnancy, my mother told one of my cousins

"I didn't want a second child because the doctors said (my name)'s blood could seriously harm the baby maybe kill them! so better not"

I just starred at her and my count starred at me in shock "ohhh was it that blood thing?" referring to Rh disease which is when a mother who has Rh- blood has a baby with Rh+ blood and if doesn't receive a special vaccine, the next child if is Rh+ could have problems. But she had the vaccine. I blurted out like "don't say it like that"

"I'm just saying the truth, it's what happened, the doctor said it!" she started talking louder, this time my dad heard and told her to not say those things because looks bad, and that the doctors paid attention to it from the start because it's protocol.

How was I supposed to act? Happy?! Oh yas I'm the actual reason she didn't want more kids, because I could kill them how fun..? She technically said she didn't want any more kids because of me. And I gave her a chance to correct her words, but no. I tried to brush it off, I was at a family dinner, I didn't want to blurt out anything I regreted. So I got up, walked away and told my dad how much that hurt and avoided her because I was about to cry. On our drive home, my dad told her to stop saying those things because those who hear get confused. She didn't get how her words could mean was my fault, how if she had more kids I would be a baby killer. Suddenly, my middle school joke when people asked a fun fact, turned into.. hurt.

I always wanted a sibling. I always asked my parents why I had no siblings, my mother said some lame excuse like "you were planned and wanted, what more could you want?".

I don't know, maybe this shouldn't hurt me and probably wouldn't if she hadn't said it like that. I always mentioned that like a joke and sometimes taught people on what it was, because my dad explained it to me when I was learning blood types in school, and I love teaching people facts. But the way she said it that one time.. the way my cousin looked at me and my mom.. I don't know

Well I just remembered this, I have to go eat dinner but. Wow. I had forgotten about this, probably happened over a month ago, or more!

@givemecoffee

Im sorry to hear about the boys assaulting you in class. I can definitely understand why it comes up for you - the stress and trauma it must bring back.

My older brother has a friend when I was a child through martial arts. My mother and father would ignore us during the evenings, retiring to their bedroom shortly after dinner. My brother had a friend over and decided to go to a shop and buy some drinks. While he was gone, I heard a strange noise and went to investigate. The friend was naked, covered only by a sheet. I knew in a panic that he would hurt me. I quickly went to my room, locked the door, and started singing at the top of my lungs. I didnt want to get in trouble for a misunderstanding, and I wanted to demonstrate that I could scream very loudly if need be. My brother returned a little later. His friend left me alone after that. I dont know what would have happened if I hadnt locked myself away.

What the boys did to you must have been terrifying. Since women unfortunately do get tracked down to finish the job, I dont think it was an irrational fear. My father in law was a professor of criminal justice and tells horrible stories of true crimes. Sometimes they nauseate me.

@Hoping4Harmony Thank you. I'm glad nothing happened, that sounds like a scary sitaution for a child to be in! I recently (last 2 years) started having that fear more, because of when I was in college for a year and saw one of those boys. I am going back to that college, but in my safe mindset I hope he won't be there since chances are has graduated and left. Better think like that haha

It's terrible how mean some people can be. It's frustrating and hurtful.

@givemecoffee

I can understand wanting a sibling as a child. When I was little I prayed every night for a younger brother. For some reading I thought a brother would be more fun.

Having a child is a large decision. Having a second child is an even larger decision. I had many complications with my daughter. Because of that Im on birth control. I do want to eventually have a second child. In the meantime however from my health I cant. The doctor told me that if I become pregnant too soon I will have the same life-threatening complications I had. The idea of having another child go through all this is awful. After a few years the risk will go down and I would like to have a child then.

this is one of those things that just cant be changed. It sounds like your mother says things with no filter.I can understand why it would be such a strange thing and rather humiliating to say in front of family. Not having a sibling probably feels like a loss to you. Im sorry for your loss. There are experiences Ive wanted and not had that definitely feel like losses.

i often type up Things without posting them. For some reason I just dont have the strength to post them.

@Hoping4Harmony That's good, I'm glad the risk will go down after a few years: if you really want a second child when it gets safe, hope it goes well! It's not good the complications, but sometimes it's better to push it to a better time.
My mother always wanted a daughter or so she says it. I don't know, but I guess some people want to have children and others like the idea of having children. And people need to realize in which category they are, before. And work on reaching the first, if they are in the second, before.

Yeah, I don't always have strength to post them. I feel ashamed, like it's bad to post certain things or complain. I have to either click send right after typing, or I'll regret lol

I was telling my therapist about the sexual assault, it isn't something I talk about but it's been on my mind for long. I was trying really hard, but kept getting lost and not sure how to describe it.. So I was basically telling her what happened or trying my best when her phone rang. I don't know what was, but sometimes happens and she just picks it up to tell the person that can't talk and cancels. This time when she did, she stood in silence for a bit, then smiled and asked me about my studies if they were good.

I froze. I was shaking, crying and she.. ignored it. Right after I said how people always ignored my difficult situations that traumatized, right after we discussed how my childhood was hard and only now I'm coming to terms with it. I tried to talk and say "hey, I really wanted to talk about that thing" but my mind stopped working, my answers became short and was hard to process things. This is why I don't like opening up. This is why I don't like to speak.

Last time I mentioned it and actually only time I did, was over a year ago and her response was "why are you telling me this now, what brought it up?" which felt a bit judgy. Like I shouldn't feel hurt. I finally got ready to speak. Why why why me. Why me why me why me. Does it have to be rape to count? Do I have to literally be spanked into bruises and cuts for my childhood trauma to count? Do I have to have a trauma experience that is first page of newspapers or goes on TV daytime shows for pity to count?!

It's like each time I speak something comes and brings me down because "it wasn't that bad". I'm sorry I'm just way too shocked. Good thing I actually have an injured toe because that has been keeping my mind busy all day with bandaging and just laying down because of the pain. Or else I would've probably come home and cried over this, and now it's mostly forming into feeling slightly angry. At myself. For speaking.

I don't know if I will bring it up again. I don't think I'm worth bringing it up.

@givemecoffee

Ive definitely had a similar experience- having to work up the courage to talk about something with a therapist and having the therapist become interrupted, distracted.

Sometimes the life situations of therapists mean they cant ignore a call. Ive had therapists who were able to ignore their phones, but Ive also had those that were expecting a situation for which they had to be available 24/7. It sucks that she got distracted but that doesnt mean its not worth working on your pain.

I can understand why it feels accusatory when shes asked you why youre bringing something up. If you have a routine where she runs the show it can be hard to express what you need to.

I suggest making a list of things youve been thinking about, handing her the physical list, and saying at the beginning of the session that those are the things that have been bothering you since the last session and what you want to work on.

@Hoping4Harmony I've done that before, but not always because even giving her the list is hard. It's like my brain hates being honest, the moment I'm about to say how I'm struggling, my mind jumps in and says "i'm okay, i'm good, everything is good" and sad thing is: she is believing it, because it happens so often and I'm such a good liar. I lie to myself.
She does run the show per se. Because I find it hard to open up at first, in every single sesson. The first 5 minutes is her trying to make me open up all over again
Thank you. I guess I have to write the list again, but so scared

I wish I knew what this is and why it happens. I'll try my best to explain.. It's like my mind gets distracted from life but it's not normal distractions: It's not like I lose time listening to music, dancing or playing games. Usually it's either writing a poem, a text, venting here, deleting it and repeating, watching videos on mental health or psychology. It's not a distraction as if I just am procrastinating where I decide to go watch a movie even though I know I'm losing time I could use for something else. No. It's more like my mind takes over, I tell myself "okay, 5 minutes for this and then I go study" when it's 10 am. And next thing I notice is 1 pm and I don't know how time went by. This is seriously making studying hard..

I study at home, so it means I spend a lot of time at home like most days all day. I can't go study out because there's no options (no libraries or coffe shops I can go to), I wish because probably this wouldn't happen. In the worst case scenario, it makes me cry because I remember something and start talking to myself. Yes, talking to myself is a big deal of it. I tend to daydream a lot too, but this isn't like the daydreaming. It's like I have a mental compulsion to do something and if I do that I know I'll focus.. but then lose 2 or 3 hours. So go have lunch. When I come back, set my stuff to study and it happens again. It happened now, I'm trying to use my writing this here as a way to GET IT OUT and finally go study. Omg I have so much.

This has been happening on and off since I started studying at home, a year ago. And it's the main reason why I can only study at max 2 hours a day. I feel ashamed because I am getting behind, I have some months for the exams yet and my tutor is helping (she's amazing, honestly, she's doing all she can to help me) but it's hard when at times it prevents from studying. Today I was able to do some of the homework, but then went to do a poem because I want to do some typographic art and.. after it, well happened again. I don't know what to call them. But it's upsetting. It's like my brain can't focus on anything else. I can't even say WHY they happen because I can't exactly remember how and why it started, what I was thinking about or what made me write. I just look at the clock and realize 2 or more hours went by and I don't even remember it.

One day I remember looking at the clock thinking was 11 am and it was actually 3.30 pm. I couldn't even remember having lunch, I mean I could remember I made lunch and ate it, but it didn't feel was me. I used to think this was some sort of dissociation but it can't be. For me, dissociation is more of derealization, like when things seem like I'm in a dream and I should've woken up but didn't, or like someone suddenly woke me up from a dream and I don't remember where I am, but in a relax almost numb/serene style of emotion. This is different, way way way different. I can remember I am doing something, I remember I did that - but I can't remember how that all went by. How one 5 minute video turned into 3 hours or how one small poem turned into a complete breakdown.

And forcing myself to study is tough, when this happens. Like if I get an idea or a thought to "go do this" or "what if" (like with family attachments, when I first read about them I was constantly searching about it and having what if my attachment was secure what if was avoident what if what if that made me not even stay 5 minutes straight studying) and just write it out on a post it or random piece of paper, whatever I find. And put it away. Before studying I make myself coffee. I actually stopped having caffeine (I'm having decaf) to see if helps with a health thing I'm having.. and omg it makes no sense, my brain is like on 10 x it normal speed, I am typing like crazy ten thousand thoughts, it's like I'm going faster than I am. I felt this way when I was 10but like everything is going ten time more slower than should be, seeing thigns in slow motion

Okay maybe I should stop typing I see the test going. I need my coffee. My decaf coffee. My pre-study routine. Turn off laptop and put on music, but I want to draw and to draw I need my reference images but they're on my laptop. Okay need to switch onto tablet, and put music on my phone so I don't get distracted and focus. I only wasted 16 minutes writing this, it's good but my mind is still on woooooo mood where it's all over the place but not exactly on a sad/angry/hurt mood, more in.. i don't know. I'm just tired of this happening, I am tired of it making me forget to do things like clean my room, clean the kitchen, have a shower etc. Because it's ridiculous. I am distracted but this isn't being distracted. Okay I probably have like 10000 typos above me, but that's it. If anyone knows what it may me or if you had same experience, say something? Because honeslty I am starting to think I should have some control over it and I have zero (doesn't happen all the time but .. often)

@givemecoffee

I don't have a clever idea about this, I can just share my experience. I'm over 35 already but this still happened quite often in the last few years. I'd tell myself I just read half an hour before I go to sleep. And then, even if I glance at the hour from time to time (so I know the next half an hour went by and the next, like whoosh, 30 minutes felt like 5 mins) the next thing I properly know that it's the early morning, my back and eyes hurt... maybe the sun comes up, depending of the time of the year... Like I was out of control all night.

I just thought it could be the symptom of other, deeper problems, and treated it as such. Tried to refocus on (self)therapies.

Also, I have healed so much in the last two decades since I was grown-up and less vulnerable to my parents' behaviour. And I'm after hundreds of hours of therapy. BUT I still wouldn't be able to trust myself to organize my job or studies at home by myself. (Having to go somewhere else for a fixed time is necessary for me.) So whoever is working/learning from home, it looks super hard for me, and I'm just in a constant awe that there are people who actually manage it.

The very best wishes to you Hugs

@EmOnTheGo Thank you It is hard, and to be honest the first 6-8 months I started to study at home it was a mess. I wasn't able to even study 2x a week for 1 hour straight each time. I was always about to give up, but then found what works for me. It's my luck, I was always independent in that lol But it's still tough at times, not gonna sit here and say "omg it's amazing to study at home" - nope.

I'm glad you have healed a lot, that's amazing. And being less vulnerable is a goal, truth be told! It's good to know therapy helped you, I'm always afraid it won't help me because I'm starting to get worse again. But keep fighting. Guess it's the stress, since these are last 5-6 months before exams and I have so much.. plus all rest

@givemecoffee

I cant personally relate to losing time. I had a boyfriend in college who did. Im pretty sure he had borderline personality disorder because some of the things he would do were exactly like Susanna Kaysens autobiography, Girl, Interrupted.

I have bipolar disorder and sometimes When Im manic I obsessively complete a task with no regard for the time, but I dont really lose it - just the ability to focus on anything else. It can feel like whatever Im working on is incredibly important.

This is something you should definitely bring up to your therapist. Maybe she can help you find some strategies for studying.

Im sure the stress of feeling behind doesnt help any.

@Hoping4Harmony Curious you mention that since I have BPD traits or at least was what a therapist said, that I checked all symptoms. And yeah I should probably mention it, I just don't know 'how'. I thought about writing a text each time I get one of my 'states' in the time I get it, so it's easier to explain.. but I can't remember. Neither can I exactly remember afterwards.

But it's something I have to do, for sure. Maybe need to really right a list lol
No it doesn't. Neither does the stress of realizing I'm always getting closer to final deadline. It was the joke I always said to my parents last year "in 2018 I'll be a stressed mess" - and you betcha I'm feeling it lol Trying to use humor because already went on a depressed mood an hour ago, and I'm just trying to keep positive!

I think I understood more about the 'experience' I was having. Maybe not, but who knows. It does sound like dissociation, but not my typical experience. My 'typical' is more of derealization, looking around, being a dream and not feeling (but in calm way not uncomfortable numb). Today it happened again, and for my luck I was able to notice it while 'still in it'. I actually triggered myself but not on purpose. I like Kati Morton videos (I know, news - it's not like I mentioned her name at least 10 times lol) and she had a new one on "Asexuality and Fear of Sex". Okay and me, being this person in need of answers, I clicked it quickly. Then after watching it, got a bit triggered because yes, not gonna lie, I have fear of sex. That video made me almost cry over how real was, and how her saying the most common reason and making sense to me.. okay felt understood.

Moving on, I then clicked on another one. And another one. I suddenly found myself watching a video from "Supernanny" where a father yells at his kid to do homework. Not a nice place to be in. Suddenly I looked around and was as if couldn't recognize if I was in my home, if was monday or saturday, 10 am or 5 pm. I began to talk to myself, it's something I do a lot, try and explain to myself what is happening. I couldn't process words, I just kept repeating the same expression, I don't remember which one but as if I was repeating "I think that.. I think.. I think that.."

It's hard to say exactly what I felt like, what I experienced. Maybe someone will read this and think "no, it's not dissociation" - well maybe isn't, but it's how it feels to me. And even if isn't, it's the closest descrption I found. Moving on.

With that being said, I think I found what helps. This will sound weird but what got me off that stage was music. More specifically, Christina Aguilera's "Ain't Another Men". Yes. weird. It's not first time music does this, one time I only got out of derealization in the bus when I listened to N'Sync.. and it was scary, because I just 'woke up' and couldn't even remember getting on the bus or where I was going. Music I used to listen as a child, helps.. but positive music. Like the fun one. If I listen to Backstreet Boys "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" or "When you Believe" by Whitney Housten and Mariah Carey, I'll only make more damage. Those are two of the most saddest songs in my childhood.

So I think I'll see if I make like a "emergency" playlist. Maybe include some Disney songs, since I love them and they also help. I wish my favorite songs right now would work, but apparently Papa Roach has a different effect on my mind when is in that state lol It just doesn't work, my mind can't process it. It's as if when I'm going through it, my mind needs children-related stuff and any things I like now are just way too hard to process. I don't know.

Music is really the one thing that has helped me express myself more. Sometimes I just feel like printing out lyrics of the songs I feel have more meaning to me, and giving them to my therapist. If I could do that or if I did that, the album "Crooked Teeth" by Papa Roach would make an appearance.

Well that's it. Gotta get back to studying. Can't believe I was able to clean the kitchen because of a song. But if wasn't for that song coming on VH1 at the right time and changing to that channel on tv at the right time.. probably would've gotten stuck in that state for another hour.

(I made bold key things I want to remember, in case I scroll down this thread.. I need to make that playlist in both my phone and music player. That and another one, of songs I find relatable when I struggle. I keep a little list of those, of the non-triggering relatable songs, on my bullet journal)

@givemecoffee

Music can change moods, so it makes sense that music can change your state out of a dissociative one.

A therapist once told me that we tend to revert to and process trauma in the frame of a childhood trauma, so we essentially become that person again. For me ... I become a small child. Im terribly afraid of people being angry at me because my mother had a terrible temper. When people become angry I feel powerless, like a small child again.

Because of this, it makes sense a comforting Disney clash.

@Hoping4Harmony

sorry! Autocorrect!

it makes sense Disney would help.

@wizeakre Thank you! And yeah, it's why I had so much trouble understanding this was dissociation.. because I notice that different states of my life different ways it happens, so it's tricky (plus my therapist doesn't believe it was derealization, she said was me unused to going out, but I just took it as me not explaining it well enough).

Yeah, I have a box like that. Doesn't work. I always forget about the box, having a little book or music playlist is more of what works, either way I never used it lol I think we need to be ready to adapt because not every technique works

A rant/talk on things that happened this week:

My dad has a hate speech, and it doesn't upset me. Usually. I just avoid certain topics, I learned to master the act of being close to someone with huge belief differences - though we agree on other things, so it balances out. Side-note: as a kid, people used to classify my dad as either "the coolest funnier father around" or "the evilest monster alive", that never helped how I thought. Because if people said he was cool and fun, I'd force myself to act that way, and if they said he was a monster, I would try to see why. Moving on, I'm not here to categorize him: I'm over that. Just explaining

The whole Golden Globe thing brought up one topic that does make him go on rants. How he feels all women that "call rape" do it for attention and fake, that if a women says got sexually assaulted that she "earned it". In a way, not going to say he's not right.. a bit.. I think everyone knows that one person that will use the trendiest term around to call for attention. When I was in school was "bullying", everyone used it as a joke even most people used it seriously. But I tried to defend "myself" without him knowing, and he kept saying how women tease men and do it on purpose. I know he meant how in his workplace some women are like that (and those women are annoying.. but they're not a good sample). So I just shut up.

What was I supposed to say? "I got sexually assaulted" "some kids took advantage when I was 13"? He'd probably ask "so what". The problem with me and my dad's relationship is that I am way too empathetic and follow feelings, he is cold. He doesn't focus on feelings, he follows facts, hard core science. When I was bullied, he didn't offer compassion, he asked me what I wanted him to do as if I held the answers. When I was inpatient in psychiatric hospital, I saw him struggle to use 'emotions' because it's such a foreign concept for him.

On other hand, my mother. She is overly emotional, but makes it about herself. When she knew about the bullying, she.. I don't remember her reactions. I wish I did, so I could make a comparassion. But that was around the time she was constantly 'popping pills' for migraines and whatever, plus doctors and my dad getting angry when she ended up in hospital for not taking her of herself. Sad truth is, I don't remember. Oh well

Also, my grandmother's death anniversary was earlier this week. 15 years, apparently. First year I didn't have a breakdown on the day. I am feeling weird yet, last year was when I broke down in therapy and got a flashback about my teacher's suicide. Which, if memory fails, has it's 15th death anniversary in a week or so. That was the thing that first made me realize all about my childhood. But weird how this year I didn't feel the need to 'let it out'. My mom has the tendency to say "your grandmother died x years ago on this day" with a smile, and I always feel like yelling at her "can you not".

Only this past year this I feel I grieved. Or completed it. And it's not her reminding me of it, I remember her in many things and I'm okay with it. It's how she says it, with a smile, and casually. Just that. She'll open the door and tell me that, just like someone said "dinner's ready" or "the bills are paid". I don't know, feels it lack sentiment. Just because I don't say it out loud 'hello everyone on earth' style doesn't mean I don't remember her

I still have the stuffed animal on my bed that she hugged right before giving to me, when we moved

I try to remember her words when told me she believes I can accomplish my dreams no matter what, especially when stuck

I remember her when I have cammomile tea, because she made it when I was sick - I do it, when I'm unwell or stressed

But I don't need to say it out loud to make it real. The last 15 years, everytime my mother said that, I'd hide in the bathroom and cry for hours, pain was too much. I saw her face everywhere until I was 10. I didn't want anyone to mention her until I was around 14, just her name made me uneasy. That's why that movie Anastasia (I mentioned posts ago) meant so much.. it made me accept she died. But this year I didn't cry then. I had a breakdown this week, but was not because of it haha

But it's good. It's weird. But weird can be good

I hate when people try to make their situation look like the worst situation ever, as a way to get sympathy and if anyone else says "I experienced same thing" they say "NO YOU DID NOT" as if they are self-proclaimed judge of pain.

My mother does this about everything. The thing is everyone calls her perfect, says all good things about her, defends her. Even when she is calling her boss names and taking loud and rude to her, everyone will cheer her on - even when she comes home and says how much her boss is rude to her.

I mean, I'm starting to think this isn't trauma related but family issues related. Or are both related. I don't know anymore. All I know is yesterday had a bad therapy session, and my mind went all over the place. Especially when my therapist was talking about acceptance and how I should accept how I feel, etc. And she acted in same way as my mother. Gestures, words. I saw my mother in her. I blocked. I literally blocked. Suddenly my mind started going 'outside', I didn't listen to a word. She would ask me if I'm understanding and I'd just shake my head. I had so much trouble telling her how I felt these past months.. and I did, and was going okay and then.. that.

I just had my memory bringing me back to when I was first getting mental health help, and the way my mother talked to me. Yelling "believe in yourself, self-esteem up up up" in my face, causing me anxiety attacks and saying I just didn't want to get better. She'd literally go up to me, put her hand on my forehead and scream "self-esteeeeeeem self-esteeeeem, believe in yourself go ahead", or shaking me by my shoulders as if I was being exorcised. That is if I exclude the times she threw holy water on me saying my depression was demons, while doing the same I described above. And if I panicked, cried, started shaking.. she stopped? No, She spoke louder, shook me more. Until realized I wasn't feeling better. Then just gave up, said I don't want to get better and how "that cured her depression and anxiety, which was terrible"

Yes I remember, mother

Don't forget I was the one helping you, when you were crying. She used to call me in the room when she was crying over my grandmother, when I was 8 and 9, and hug me crying. I just stood there, numb. While she cried and mumbled. I was immune. I was a stuffed animal, an object. I became afraid to leave the office room when my mother was crying, I recognized it by the music she was playing. I remember telling my dad "I want to eat something, but if I go by the living room, she'll grab me and cry" and he'd sigh, and ask me if I wanted to play a game on the computer. So I'd stay busy playing games or drawing, until she went to bed.

Yup. Nice. Okay have to study, my mind today is all over the place. Woke up dizzy, not sure why. Headache.

Why is it that ads about "mothers" have to keep on showing? Why do people treat mothers as saints who cannot do anything wrong?

Where's the ad saying all qualities a father possesses? Or that fathers can also parent a child? Why is that even in tv shows, movies, books.. the mother is the saint and the father always the bad guy?

I am literally get upset when hear the same ad over and over. Usually they don't upset me. But this one.. this one, did.

It starts off with saying "do you keep your patience when everything is wrong? do you (idk exactly what) not cry when something you love is broken bla bla bla" while showing videos with mothers and their babies "then you'll be a GREAT mom"

Thanks

You know what, thanks

Years ago I found out it's not allowed to celebrate mother's day in schools anymore, at least not here. Too hurtful for "motherless children". Too hurtful for kids whose mothers died

How about those whose mothers DID NOT die? How about those whose mothers wake up, eat, and breathe in same place as them but feel ten thousand miles away? Oh yeah. I'm allowed to celebrate - no wait - I'm FORCED to celebrate it. Yes, forced. I'm forced to sit by her and smile, to tell her how much I love her

Do I?

No. What for. I spent days crying each year as a kid, stressing out. I'd panic around my dad saying "what to buy her what to buy her" crying in a shop because didn't know what to buy

Is that nice???? It's THESE ads that made it. JEEZ okay you want to show the amazing power mothers can have

Well open your eyes

Not all do. And then keep on and don't post those ads

Don't, seriously, don't. Unless you will do fathers too, don't. Because I am sorry, but I am sure I ain't only one. Only one who's dad went up and did all that. And now I have to put up with that stuff each time I turn on the TV, that stupid music, that stupid line, that stupid video. I can't. It seems it haunts me. Everytime I go to a channel, there it is. I can't. Can't.

@givemecoffee

So, youre not alone in having mommy issues. My old therapist said shed be out of business if it werent for mommy issues.

Mothers Day is a horrible day for me. When I have to pick out a card for her, its hard to select one. I feel a sense of loss for not having a positive relationship with her. Guilt motivates most of my interactions with her on that day.

One of my friends has such a hard time on Mothers Day (she had a horrible family involved in a cult) that she doesnt get out of bed.

How you feel is just that. Its what you do that matters. You dont have to let these things Control you. Maybe mindfulness meditation would help. I try to let some of the negativity just float on by - acknowledge the thought without being caught in its eddy.

Commercials are pretty much designed to make people feel bad. When people feel bad they buy things - from yachts to Christmas ornaments to t-shirts to Mothers Day presents to mascara.

@Hoping4Harmony I'm sorry I wrote that big reply down there.. But the whole "mommy issues".. it seems like I can never find anyone like "me" in real life. Never. Even in school, most girls had the typical fights with mothers - 'she won't let me wear such and such clothing' 'omg she hates my boyfriend, hate her', and then would laugh and go shopping together. I envied them. I don't know, seems like people don't really talk about it, or probably is because of where I live? I notice people are too close minded here, for how it should be

@givemecoffee

Parents are some of the most powerful people in our lives, especially when you still live with them.

It sounds like despite their flaws your parents still love you. Sometimes people cause us trauma or mistreat us and its not out of malice. Sometimes its them doing the only thing they know, or the best they can do. This doesnt make their actions hurt less. In some ways it can be harder. Its easy to write someone off when you know theyre being malicious.

When someone close to us betrays our trust in them, its harder to reconcile that hurt.

A parent that uses a child as an emotional crutch is engaging in toxic, inappropriate behavior. Your mother shouldnt have done that. Your father shouldnt have went along with it.

LIt cant be changed. What can be changed is whether you let the past have power over your present and your future.

Your mother must care about you even if she doesnt care about you in the way you want or need. She wouldnt have given a crap about your self esteem if you didnt matter to her.

It doesnt sound like your therapist is helping. It sounds like she talks about things that arent productive and that shes not in tune with you. Can you use someone else?

@Hoping4Harmony No, I sadly can't get another therapist. And she's the one who has helped me the most, even if I could, I'd be too scared to try another one.. too many bad experiences. I was talking to my therapist about probably needing meds (my overall mental health is going through many ups and downs) and because I don't have money to pay for a psychiatrist, there's also no options for me.

I don't know if she's helping or not, you see, she helped me a lot. But we're going on circles. She is trying to make my accept my situation with family, but I can't accept, I am no good with acceptance. She is trying to make me do daily meditation/mindfulness, I try to but I can't keep it up. Before I could do it at least once every two days, helped me sleep. Now I can't even do it for 20 seconds. I feel she's getting tired of me.. but feels sorry for me because I have no one else, like no friends or support.

I just hate all this situation, truth be told, I'm working so hard to get into college this year and seems like things are just pushing me to the edge. I'm doing best I can, but literally have to do most of the therapy by myself.. I am doing DBT by myself, that's why I say it, but still.. I just feel overwhelmed with an empty schedule, that's pretty much it. I'm trying to stay well for my own good, fighting all bad urges, avoiding triggers, focusing on good and for most part - works. But, suddenly hits me. Like when I wrote my last entry. I was happy, happy happy. And then suddenly it hit me how those ads keep happening (because earlier the day I saw it and felt like throwing the remote at the tv, which is a bad idea since.. how would we afford a new one)

I neither know if she does like me or not. I don't know, but the whole "she likes you/sounds like she likes you" makes me panic. It makes me get confused, my mind starts thinking she's probably the most amazing person on world and I'm worst person for feeling bad around her. Maybe has to do with the fact I have BPD traits..? Who knows.

I'm ranting, meh. Sorry

I hate being alone with my mother, it's awkward. I guess if we had something in common, would be easier. But sadly, we do not.

We don't like even similar music, my favorite music is scary to her.. I can't stand the popular folklore she listens to, so we agree on zero

We don't like similar movies or tv shows or whatever. She likes soap operas, only. I don't like soap operas at all, I like thrillers, cartoons, certain comedies, sci-fi.. Most of movies/tv shows I like are either scary or boring to her. Criminal Minds is 'scary' to her.

I like science, technology and art. She doesn't understand technology and neither art.. well, not enough. I refuse to have a conversation on science with her.. not to offend anyone but I'm an atheist, she's deeply religious. Religion is a topic I avoid, don't want arguments or anyone to feel disrespected, but she'll put it into everything even if I say "can you please not do this"

She's a super extrovert, I'm an introvert. Enough said.

She keeps indirectly criticizing my style/outfits etc. I tend to go to dark colors which is where I feel most comfortable, combat boots, leather-style jackets, dark lipsticks - to her that's "killing my soul" and will tell me with a sad face how she doesn't like how I'm dressing. I wasn't allowed to wear black in childhood/teen years, I slowly forced it by asking my dad if he could help me - but she would get upset. Even when I was 16 and bought a pair of black all-stars converse with my allowance money. But then will and compliment people who dress in all black, irony - moving on

She doesn't respect cartoons or video games at all. I guess this one isn't one I can't expect from a women that grew up in older generation that "girls should act pretty in skirts and not play boy games". And I grew up loving car video games, which she considered scary. She also doesn't play any board games, doesn't see fun in them.

Then there's other smaller things, like how she will prefer to buy cheaper bad quality things or decorate a house with only pictures, and I'm opposite.. but I don't really see those as signs we're opposite of each other. And in this way, opposites don't attract.

My dad is also opposite to her. That's in a way how they act 'well' together. And I'm more similar to him

Also, I think I'll install one video game.. you know what? I might. I had one, but sadly in October had to reinstall everything on my laptop so lost all my progress.. Talk about bad luck. And it may happen again, but Need For Speed always helped me deal with anger in a strange way lol (that or Sonic, hmm may install one today and then the other)

I sometimes find myself researching trauma and complex PTSD - I'm not trying to self-diagnose, just better understand me since seems C-PTSD it's the thing that better explains it and that usually leads more into recovery from traumatic events. And today found a video that mentioned sleep problems related to trauma.. it made me think of my sleep struggles.

I don't have insomnia, though have had episodes of it. But I did experience several episodes of sleep paralysis since I can remember. I never knew what it was, my parents didn't know, but in my mind felt I was about to die. I remember being 9 years old and waking up at 3 am after one of those episodes, and just forcing myself to stay awake, it was that scary. When I was 17 I by chance found an article on it.. and it was first time I realized I could do something about it. I still sometimes experience it when I'm more stressed, but usually can avoid bigger episodes.

My mother actually says she 'has same thing', but in my opinion from how she describes it.. she just has nightmares. Not saying her nightmares aren't as difficult (or night terrors, according to my dad) but it's not same thing, not even close. I am awake when they happen, I can hear everything around me, I don't see anything, it's full darkness, not breathing. If it's morning and my dad is preparing breakfast, I can hear the tv and him calling my name, but can't react. I don't wish it on anyone, and truth be told I could never understand WHY would they happen to me as a child

I can remember nightmares when I was 7/8 years old, or 'seeing things' when was awake in walls of my room.. such as people pointing guns at me, telling me they would kill me. When I was being bullied they got worse, I have a fear of dogs so my bullies would be represented by vicious dogs that attacked me. Many times I woke up and my whole body would hurt such as someone had cut me open in multiple places. Never understood why. I had dreams about people forcing me to chose death to my grandma shortly after she died, which was scary to say the least. Nightmares about being raped.. those were torture. And who knows.. maybe was my experiences as a kid, maybe not. They certainly don't explain the actual nightmares, but maybe could explain WHY I had more? I know people say "every kid has nightmares", yeah okay, true. But actually don't think most experience sleep paralysis on regular basis for over 10 years

Side-note, the way my mother talks about sleep paralysis as a nightmare and when people describe nightmares being "real" she tells them it's sleep paralysis KNOWING I've trusted her and shared it with her.. it upsets me. Annoys me. Not a little, but a lot. I have told her that and she laughs it off "they sound similar, I know because I have it". I doubt it, m'am. I highly doubt it.

I also never went into my parents bed after I turned 8. I think only time was one time I had about 3 nightmares in a row and couldn't stay awake, so freaked out. I never told them these nightmares. Never told anyone how I forced myself to stay awake sometimes for whole week, my parents just felt I forgot to turn off my light before sleep. When I got my phone, I would keep it under my bed with lantern on (I miss my Nokia 1100, I'll tell you that.. that lantern saved me, I have a fear of the dark but it's more fear of death/going blind than "of dark").

Well, I did some research because I heard about nightmares in childhood being associated to trauma.. but not about my experience. Though seems like yeah. Also seems like it can be considered a sleep disorder. I can't tell you how grateful I am to that article when I was in my teens, I was able to prevent them.. I also think my dad would be too.. one time he happened to wake me up from an episode while thinking I was just sleeping.. and I woke up screaming and shaking, just mumbling "I though I was dead.. all was dark.. I couldn't breath". He got the scare of a lifetime, let me tell you. He just was about to touch my shoulder and I stood up so quickly he almost feel! I laugh now, but took me about an hour to get calm.. because that was first episode in life 1 year, so I thought they were gone. Well, let's hope it doesn't happen again. Fingers crossed

This is a long one. Sorry. I just got pretty upset about something (some lamp got broken, money stuff) and distracted myself by watching the rest of the video since I had to leave home early and I got it recommended on youtube. Guess I'm more "cool" now and should go study.

@givemecoffee

I can relate to the sleep paralysis and night terrors. For me if I can make myself angry it helps the chemicals causing the paralysis dissipate. Im not sure where I read that, but its worked. The first time this happened to me, I was terrified and wasnt sure what was wrong with me. It will probably sound paranoid and crazy but I knew there were government operations in the area and I thought maybe I was being experimented on. I was about 11 or 12 at the time.

Ive had terrible nightmares that Im asleep and someone is standing over me with the intent to hurt me for years. They feel so real that its hard to tell when Ive finally woken up. Ive woken my husband up and asked him to walk me to the bathroom because I was too afraid to get out of bed on my own. I can relate to bloody dreams and disturbing themes. Sometimes they feel too real.

My mother doesnt have sleep paralysis as far as I know, but night terrors run in my family.

I hope your dreams get better. I think its just the minds way of working through a things, but it doesnt make them easier to deal with.

As as far as having a difficult time finding someone to relate with regarding your mother ... it may be a fear of vulnerability on their part. When things are painful it can be easier to gloss over them than have a real dialogue about feelings and open oneself up for judgement. You are not alone.

My dad was telling some funny stories from his childhood, some games he used to play as a kid. One game involved running after someone and "pretending to kill them" like when kids play cowboys or whatever, but by using a finger to touch the neck/under the chin.

I went into protective mode. It's what happens. If someone touches my neck I go into "back away screaming" mode. I have scared my cousins before, they were tickling me which sends me into panic and as soon as they (8 year olds) tickled my neck I screamed "JUST STOP" and pushed them away so fast and loud, my family stormed in the room and one of them started crying. So when he did that, I screamed "stop" pretty loud and my mind started going into flashback mode.

I didn't want to cause a scene. I didn't want to scream "why did you do it?! you know I hate when people touch my neck! just stop, why are you laughing" but he knew that. He should know it. Why do people not listen? Why do people assume that's me being "ticklish". Being ticklish isn't a fun thing. I despise it. If someone tickles me I panic, and I may go into protective mode and kick you. I don't mean in a "oh you so fun *light kick to the shoulder*" if I go into FULL PANIC, I will kick you in the leg, stomach, whatever I can. It may sound fun, but it's traumatic for me.

"Oh but everyone likes being tickled" yeah try being tickled for 10 minutes straight. By 10 people at same time, all of them on top of you. Try having that happen so much you stop breathing and everything goes white just like when you're about to pass out. Try having that happen every day, two times even a day. Try having that happen and when you try to get up, your head hurts because it finally got oxygen. Perhaps someone will look at this and think "oh so cool" but if you do - you're stupid. I'm sorry, you're stupid and I hate you. And don't tell me the "well just don't tickle people". There's a reason I don't tickle anyone, not even children. It's usually them that start.

So I was there, looking into nothingness, telling my mind not to panic, not to bring on flashbacks, not to freak out. My dad went on laughing about another childhood story. My mom didn't say a word, just nodded at him. On TV something about animals rights went on, and I took my anger onto it. I mean, I respect animals rights. They deserve them. I just get upset when people who love dogs don't respect cats at all, and I've gotten into arguments with people over how cats are amazing pets same as dogs. So when I see people only talking about dogs rights and then I hear neighbors laugh when a cat gets injured/dead.. I take it personally. I've seen too many of those scenarios. I've seen them happen times enough to feel like going after someone with a baseball bat when they say a cat is worthless. Even though I'm against violence, it's just UGH WHY Same as when someone bullies/abuses a child for laughter.

So my anger went on that, and I ranted for about 10 minutes on how cat's rights matter. Did my parents notice I shifted my panic into random anger, for no reason? No. Did they care? No. My mom stayed neutral, my dad went on how having a pet isn't a right but a "luxury" (we disagree on certain things, but I don't get upset by him saying that - he has no attachment to anyone or anything, but he can't deny he cried when our cat passed away, I saw him crying lol)

And the score so far this week is:

Mental health - 3

Me - 1

Yes, I've been struggling quite a bit this week. I say "3" referring to the 3 days it probably is about 30-1 lol *ba dum tuss*

Was just in a trauma support session and remembered my dad's punishments. If I ever mentioned them to someone I would laugh it off, and most times people just looked at me strangely. Then one person said "that's not really funny". And then someone else a year or two ago told me "I'm sorry to tell you this but it sounds like abuse"

It shocked me. Suddenly me feeling like was torture came back, and me laughing it off felt like me hiding the pain

The punishments could just be do all multiplication tables 10 times each, do walk squats all over the living room - which may seem like a fun experience, but he'd make me do it while not allowing me to touch the floor or furniture with my hands, many times I was crying in pain. I was like 8-10, keep in mind. Eat my most disliked foods. Cheese, peas, ham are foods that are nauseating for me, so if I refused something he'd prepare me a cup of milk (I hate plain milk) and a sandwhich of just cheese and bread. I'd cry, beg not to eat it. If I refused to eat, which happened every time, he'd yell and threaten to force it down my thorat. Most times I puked. A couple times puked on the table - which made me get slapped. I have a phobia of vomiting over it and other situations (health conditions).

If I refused medication or did something 'wrong' I would have to drink water. Just cup after cup after cup. If I didn't drink quick enough, it was one more added. At the end I had over a liter of water on my stomach and could feel my stomach full of liquid - yes, sometimes I puked. Sometimes it happened in my grandfathers house, my family laughing in the distance while I cried and sobbed.

One time I failed P.E in 6th grade because a teacher ordered us to do a paper - and my mother was home for a week after being sent to hospital, and I had to do part of the cleaning and food for us both. I couldn't send it, even though wasn't mandatory, and I failed that term. When my dad saw it, he was upset. Made me do a headstand in living room because I said I wouldn't do it in class (when he said couldn't be only over the paper - and it wasn't, the teacher just hated me because I was bad at sports). I was panicking because when I one time did the headstand, I stopped breathing because fell backwards in class (my friends looked away on purpose). But got forced to do it and then to come down on my own. Because we did it in our living room, I was in between coffee table and couch. I feel badly and my dad missed to grab my legs quick enough, so I feel with side of my back on the wood portion of the couch. I'm not lying when I say I had back pain for a week and a bruise that was 2 cm away from my spine. He said was my fault.

And I could go on. I know I say I forgived him, but this is the part that's something hard to fully accept. I laughed it off, I said was normal, that every parent does this. That every parent forces 10 or 12 cups of water on their 11 year old because she won't swallow medicine. That every parent makes their 9 year old walk in squat back and forth the living room 10 times and shouts each time she fell because legs were giving up, with the excuse that "it's to make you stronger".

And still I had times I was laughing and having fun. Times he taught me balance positions from karate, in case someone ever tried to kick me down. Took me to throw hoops in a basketball field downtown every day after school because my classmates called me weak over being shortests in class, and to go on a walk in a park and buy me ice cream so we didn't stay in my grandfathers house with them calling me names and being rude and abusive. Played checkers and card games with me every Saturday night, even if after one of those anger outbursts and punishments, when I was scared of him, so I didn't end the day on a bad note.

You see why I'm confused? How can I call someone who went with me to my award presentation in 4th grade when no one else wanted to go, who tried to make me follow my dream which is graphic design even though all my family yelled "medicine/doctor" at my ears, who defended me when my mother's family was pretty much being the definition of abusive. Was he the best father ever? No, that's for sure. Was he the worst? No. Was he an okay father? Yes. Was he best he could be? I don't know.

I just know it feels weird describing those punshiments and say I'm okay with him and not with my mother.

@givemecoffee

That sounds really confusing, and that sort of random kindness mixed with acts of cruelty can be hard to make sense of. Is your relationship with your dad now such that you could ask him about things? Perhaps acknowledge that there are times his support has meant so much to you, but that youre also confused by other things that have happened where his actions have felt cruel and hurtful. Is he aware of how much hes hurt you?

The risk with asking any question like this is you may not get the answer you want. I had a similarly troubled relationship with my dad, but when I finally spoke to him about it, (after a fifteen year estrangement), I didnt get the answer I hoped for, and it left me feeling even more hurt. So do make sure youre prepared for whatever answer he may give you.

Of course, there are no handbooks given out to new parents, and lots of parents seem to get it wrong. I wonder whether his actions stem from a lack of emotional intelligence, so he simply doesnt get how adversely his actions affect you. Or does he get some sort of kick out of using his power this way and seeing you suffer? Or did he genuinely believe he was teaching you skills to survive in what can be a harsh and unforgiving world? Whichever it is, Im inclined to agree his actions were abusive. Whatever his intent, his actions are cruel and have caused you great hurt. Its also undermined your trust in the very person who should make you feel safe, your own dad.

I really hope youre able to find answers to explain his behaviour, as understanding the reasons for his actions may help you come to terms with those difficult and confusing memories. Please remember, the responsibility for his actions lie with him. He chose to behave that way. He may say he did it as a response to something you did. But he had a choice to respond in a kind and supportive way, or to hurt and confuse you. He chose the latter. Its not your fault he made those choices.

@DeborahUK no, I don't feel okay with mentioning it. I tried one time, and not by direct asking but by indirectly and he didn't answer and looked upset, like he didn't want to talk about it. When he confessed he couldn't control his anger, he kind of explained it

The thing is my dad isn't emotional or empathetic, he doesn't talk about emotions nor thinks those are important. To him, even being attached to someone isn't important. He said he wanted a wife and children solely for company, which isn't the worsr thing I heard in my life on how men she a wife. It seems like a bad thing, but its how he is. Same as how I am overly emotional, can't change. So you are probably right on that.. he has low emotional inteligence, and made it hard for him to understand how it affected me

That conversation we had was when I broke down crying over everything, and he said he realized he did terrible as a father so tried to change. And that he hated losing control of his anger, but he was trying to learn how, and the family stress didn't make it easier. That is why I forgive him, but once in a while it still hurts.

Thank you

LONG RANT AHEAD----

I hate visiting my grandfather's house. Worse than that, I hate being emotionally forced there. I could've said no. I could've fought back. I could've stamp my foot down and not move, but I learned through the years it's better to go even if visually against my will than receive the guilt of "when he dies, you'll cry on his grave". I've told you. I won't.

The day started bad from the moment my mom picked up the phone yelling at an 'aunt'. My grandfather's house was silent, my grandfather went to pray as soon as he saw us and brutally said "go eat, it's out in the kitchen". I didn't eat lunch, I hate his food - plus, you yelling at me saying "GO EAT, I don't care what you do but go eat because I never saw you eat and you look disgusting" as soon I step inside the door.. doesn't make me want to eat it.

May seem like something small and yes, is. But me sitting there, having to eat something because was being offered and hearing my grandfather say "she isn't eating a thing, I haven't seen her eat since she got in here, she is about to die" brought back memories, flashbacks even. May not see like much, but imagine being 8 years old and hearing this day and night. Being told this when you're 12 and eating a whole bag of peanuts because you were so angry you lost conscious, and then being told 10 minutes later when you refuse lunch because you're full how "she is two minutes away from dying, look at her, disgusting and skeletal" even though I ate the whole bag.. even though he saw the empty bag

He doesn't say it like most grandparents do, with a smile and a pat in the back. But with hate. As if he's spitting on you. I've had chips bags thrown at me, yes thrown. He opened the door, thrown it at me and said "eat! you look disgusting" and walked out. Or open my door and ask "do you want some coke?" and if I said "no, thank you" with a smile he'd say "I can smell the death in you" or "many kids would BEG for a nice grandfather like me, selfish"

Many times I'd binge eat when I had to visit him. I'd go to the supermarket nearby, buy all food I could get and eat it in the back of his apartment building or wherever I could find. The stress of seeing him was too much. I've self-harmed in that house, because of him. I'd do ANYTHING to avoid visiting him. If my friends had something planned for 3 pm, let's say, and school was over at 1pm - I'd use it as an excuse to keep them company until 3 pm and then wait in town to meet them afterwards as another excuse.

So I was there being told how i never ate (lie), how he never saw me eat (another lie), over and over. I dissociated. I can say I did, because my family started noticing I was upset and did they say anything? NO my mother just silently told her father "she knows.. I told her.. yes.."

My mother could've told him "father, please don't do that - it's upsetting for her, and I'd appreciate if you didn't". No, she doesn't because it's rude to disrespect the elder. But it's okay and funny to disrespect the younger. UGHHHH

After a while, about 3 hours doing NOTHING only hearing shouting I told my dad "are we leaving?" for the 20th time, he said "when your mother is finished" (she was baking something with my aunt). So I grabbed my bag and said I'm leaving, call me when you're done. My dad said to tell my mother, I rolled my eyes and walked away as I heard my grandfather ask "where is she going?!" and my dad reply laughing "she's going to get fresh air". But then I remembered why I kept pushing the walkin away feature for the 5 tormenting hours.

That town is torture. Only a supermarket nearby, seriously only. I could take a bus home, but would take me about 4 hours to get home. I questioned myself over and over why I didn't say no, why I didn't stay home, if this was even worth it, what am I doing here. This may sound stupid, but all I had was flashbacks from that time where I used to binge eat. I could almost mentally see me in my frantic run through the aisles, small shopping basket on one hand just quickly throwing stuff in and not having eye contact with anyone, when I tried to pick something to eat. I tried to focus on the food in the supermarket, but my mind kept shiftng. I ended up leaving with just some colorful ball point pens that I had wanted to buy yesterday. I walked into a small beauty/pharmacy shop nearby. My mind kept shifting too. I felt unreal, like a dream could end soon and I'd find myself in a worsen reality. Stood outside on the edge of a balcony, looking down. My mind was not in 2018, my mind had moved back to when I was 16, 17, 18. It was as if I was back in the times I'd wait for a friend to text me so I could escape my family, or that I had just stormed out the door after telling my mother she better defend me because I'm her family as she said, with a mean look on my face.

Which is stupid, it's stupid. It's stupid to have flashbacks of eating disorder behavior. It's stupid to have flashbacks of high school. It's stupid to have derealization over a family meeting. It's stupid that I only left after 5 HOURS and not 5 minutes. It's stupid that I even said "yes". I didn't say yes, you see. I didn't. I just went on. If this was about sexual consent, this situation would be considered rape because I said no so many times that me being forced turned my "no's" into silent bitter agreements. I never said yes, I never said "yay let's go, I'm so happy" but rather a "keep in mind, I'm going against my will". Yes I am 23. Yes I am legally an adult. But has anyone ANYONE who had a emotionally manipulative mother honestly said their mother never pushed them into things??? YES my relationship with her is BROKEN BROKEN forever unfixed, but what can I do? I am still a little girl inside looking for validation from my mother, looking for her to do my braids and teach me how to apply mascara. Oh wait she did teach me how to apply mascara - then I got an eye infection and she said "too bad", I was 10 years old and went to school with swollen eyes and let me tell you, those eye drops were painful. She said too bad, even though I never wanted to wear that mascara, but she told me would look "pretty". Did she care? No, she said "you should've known how to remove it, too bad, same happened to me". I WAS 10! I never used makeup, I didn't even know what mascara was.

I am just way too upset, way too upset. Way too hurt. I couldn't study, my day was ruined. Ruined. I came home all steemed, all frustrated. I was lucky my dad told her I had walked away far and I would meet them by the car, instead of having her insist I go back to the apartment to greet everyone again. But she smiled, she smiled all the way, she giggled, she laughed. She saw me come home fully upset, visually upset because I threw my bag around and even kicked it when it slid down my shoulder by mistake. And she still SMILED and GIGGLED when I said "I hate going there"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

I don't even know if I'm only angry about it or more stuff, llike these days have been stressful - these past weeks have been stressful. I've had to fight me almost going into depression again - I hate when these episodes happen. Now I have to do it again. I can feel myself waking up tomorrow in full blown numbness and I can't handle that again. Not again. And yes, I know I could've prevented it but aaaaahhhhh I am at a point in my life, I give up fighting and just float away. I hope one day I can afford my own place, and that one day is soon. But for me to do it, I have to be 'okay' with family and avoid future arguments. I have to be able to afford the college education for 3 or 4 years, I have to be able to apply and for that need my parents financial support. After that, need to work enough while living with them to afford my own place. After that, I'm free. I know I'll still keep in touch with my dad (he knows eletricity and all that, so it's always good to have someone teach me how to use power tools etc - yes, I'm a girl but what's so bad in using power tools as a girl? I used a saw when I was 10 and made a wood frame, why did everyone give me the "ewww" look?)

I'm ranting now. I know. Jeez. Ranting. I just needed to get this out because I need to sleep and I felt me drifting back into hopelessness and numbness and have to avoid it.

I didn't study today. I had planned to study before we left (but we left way too early) and I had planned to study after we got home (but I was way too irritated to study without throwing a book or two out the door or into a fire) So yes, all is to be done tomorrow.

p.s: I didn't re-read this so.. if something seems stupid, brat-ish, wrong, triggering, I'm sorry. I just UGH getting this out and shuting up. Sorry. This is so unrealted to trauma sub-comm, but seriously what is my diary afterall? Me ranting about me being a brat over fake traumas

LONG RANT OVER--