Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels

@givemecoffee Some people would say that none of what you went through was traumatic...these people should never be a shoulder for anyone to cry on!

What you suffered was definitely trauma and so many empathetic people will agree. You've been through so much. If something happens to you in your childhood, and it still affects you now even to the point of flinching if someone touches you then you really DO deserve to be in that room having therapy. Without therapy it could badly affect your life, relationships with partners, friends and family. I was sexually abused as a child and i've been having therapy for 2 years. At first i hated it, why am i here...there are people who need this more than me...do i even deserve to be here, not just in this room but living, breathing...everyone deserves to have a nicer friend, a nicer sister, a nicer daughter in their lives...not someone like me...

I still really do suffer so badly with low self-esteem, depression and PTSD but therapy has given me so many useful coping tools. I also freak out when i am touched in anyway at all.

You are not alone, i promise you. It will get easier!

Thankyou so much for sharing your story with us! :)

warning: lost post ahead

I hate how hard depression can hit me, in a moment. earlier today I was happy, having a great great day. now I'm crying, because something reminded me of how I'm never loved.

I don't say this lightly. maybe there are people in the world who felt more unloved than me, but I hate how people make it seem like I'm lying. like I was loved. I wasn't. not even in a romantic level, because that's out of the question. when not even boys look at you and the few that looked at you were to harass you or hit you, or spread hurtful rumors, that's not even a possibility. but friendship level, family level. my dad isn't one to show love, he is funny and caring, but isn't one to show affection like other parents do. I never ran into my parents arm for a hug, I can never remember it. I always felt uncomfortable in a hug with my parents. not sure if it's me, or the relationship. maybe me. I hate touch. but also crave it to some degree

as a kid, my birthdays weren't my day, they were someone elses day. people told me that as a kid: that I shouldn't make it about me. that I souldn't be "selfish". so pretty much, no day was about me. if a day was about me, all about me, no one was around. just my dad. I started being the laughing joke in school when I was 7. I moved homes but not schools, and the neighborhood I moved into made my classmates call me names. not lighthearted names. not only poor and disgusting, but also drug addict and stupid. just because of where I lived. and the neighbors where I live, also made fun of me. called me spoiled, ugly. they avoided me, pushed me aside and didn't want me to play with them. I got hated in school. I got hated at home. plus, being an only child meant when I wasn't hated, I was alone. the few friends I did have would leave me bit by bit because I wasn't popular.

around family? just scroll up my posts. I wish I was lying. I wish things like these weren't true. I wish I was exaggerating. Because YES I had good moments, but how were those moments? well I can assure you 70% of them include my dad and only my dad - how he'd take me on hikes and take pictures of nature with me, how he'd buy me art books, and play piano with me even if we both are zero at playing instruments. 10% include moments with friends before they turned sour. And 20% are on my own, of having fun on my own and without anyone to share.

I don't know. I seriously never felt loved or wanted. maybe I was? but no one made me feel that way. my mother says all time how she always wanted me. how my being born was planned and expected. but does she mean it or does she say it because she wants me to believe she means it? because how can someone want someone and not want to care about the good things they have to share? how can someone truly care for someone, and despise their own belongings as "you can buy another" when it gets broken? how can someone truly love someone and then ignore their own pain as "well it doesn't hurt me so it's stupid that hurts you" and minimize every pain and humiliation as "well and how about ME?!"? how can a person that does those things call themselves "a great parent?" "a mother?"

Sorry. My mom died when I was 8. You're not my mom. A mom cares to say more than the same 3 things when a daughter is sharing something great 1. "hmm hmm" 2. "that's nice" and 3 being giggling. Because that's all my mother does. When I share how my studies are going, when I share how my art is, when I share a movie I saw, when I share anything. That's all 3 things she says. Nothing more. Not a question, not a proof of how she listened to me. She repeats it on and on and on, as if I'm so stupid I'm not realized she is using the same speech as when I was 9 and 12 and 16 and 18.

Sorry.. I ranted. I just wanted to get it out. I need to study. I can't study feeling like this. This had everything to be a good day and now I'm having urges to self-harm. Well how nice. I don't want to go sleep now, but.. I think the day ends now.

When I doubt my situation (points to title, if you're confused - it's like the basis of this apparently) I tend to go search things online. Not sure if that's helpful, or not but trying. And 6 out of 10 times I find myself in Kati Morton videos. Now I'm watching "What does being traumatized mean" which was a video I watched many months ago.. and I don't know. Makes sense? Because my family (my mom's family, I mean, which is the one we're closest to) is not a good family for children that are more sensitive. And they don't see anything wrong, even though I have more people in my family that exhibit signs of mental illness not only me. And I probably have said this multiple times. Something I notice is anyone that doesn't have the same mentality as them and grows up among them, or that is more sensitive emotionally than them - tends to suffer. But they don't care, it's OUR problem even if it's their children in pain. And considering everything, makes sorta sense I'd be traumatized. As a baby, my dad was working out of home, not sure if I said: but he got a job when I was a small baby, that meant he would only come home on weekends. But then became that he'd only come home one or two weekends a month. Of course, I was 1-2 years old, I don't remember. But my grandparents would try to keep me away from him, thinking I didn't recognize him. They would, according to what my dad says and my mother confirms: take me away from his arms or yell at him, to a point where I started crying and then say is because I didn't recognize him anymore.

Something you need to know: my dad likes children. My mother "says" likes children. I say this because my dad is the type of person to play with kids and act like a child among them, which my family finds "ridiculous". My mother is the type of person to tell children to pray and touch their head, but never play with them. She never played with me, not even with dolls.

But that situation when I was 1-2 years old was "normal". Then when he quit his job, because of me (his words) my family found other ways. The problem is they're a bad-narcisistic family. They want to be number one in everything and when they aren't or what they want isn't happening, they throw poison via words - but that fails. They aren't carismatic enough for it to work. But because they're family, I have to be around them.

And Holidays are coming. I am trying to find ways to manage it, without breaking down and freaking out. Because I am already sensing 2 terrible weeks in December. And I keep trying my best to make it "work" and I don't know why anymore. I mean, I know. Because my cousin (aka my "sister") is coming as well, and the girl deserves a good Christmas. Her father family isn't that nice either, but they're carismatic which is how people fall in the prey more. Her mother has once told me how no one in the family plays with her, that she is lucky to have friends in school or else would have no one to play with. That I'm the only cousin she has that likes to play with her. And the girl is amazing!

Seriously? What's up with these screwed-up families and not liking to play with children? Is there a book somewhere that says "how to be a TERRIBLE family: step one! don't play with children"? Because if there is, can we burn it down? Like.. now?

Just saw that today is "International Survivor's of Sucide Loss Day" (thank you 7cups notifications) and I'm confused if I get included or not in that.. because the two people that I have lost due to suicide weren't directly close and I was a child. For some reason I feel shouldn't upset me. But I thought I'd take a moment to remember them, because it's two people I remember a lot even if memory fails me.

I to this day wish to find the news article on my teacher's death, so I could remember her name. It's something that I can't remember, and considering I blocked that memory for years - it's not wonder. But I do remember the other person's name. I won't say, because of privacy issues, but I'll never forget because took me so long to pronounce her name well. But I don't think she ever noticed. Actually, the biggest memory I have from her is one time she invited me and my mom for lunch with her, and looked me in the eye smiling and saying

"Well I don't care if you like soup or not, but you're eating soup, young lady" to which I replied I did like carrot soup and she hugged me saying "that's my girl! you deserve a lollipop after!" - I mean, I was 10. That meant a lot. She was like a mother figure to me. Same with my teacher, and my grandmother. And all died. Well, let's not dwell in that. Not today!

From my teacher, I don't remember much. But I think she was a music teacher, it plays a part in my memories because after I was 8 we had to get a new music teacher whom I never liked. And if it is, I think I remember her name. Wow. I do. Her name meaning was "happiness", and she was the type of person to always be smiling. I liked her, because she saw me and always told me hello. That meant a lot to my 8 year old self.

I'm not a religious person, nor really spiritual. I'm more what's considered a "skeptic" but I do believe in remembering people's lifes in every way we can - I believe in people's good intentions and each person leaving their imprint for others to remember. So I think I'll set one candle burning before bed today, while I do mindfulness, in their memory.

I'm not sure if it's wrong that I see myself as someone that "lost a loved one" because they were not friends in my age group, nor family members, but they were people that saw me, that heard me, that cared. I may one day search more on the definition of a "loved one" because honeslty.. I don't know what that expression means.

And if anyone reading this has lost someone to suicide, stay strong. I'm not sure how much this fits into "trauma" but grieving was something I did struggle with and that indirectly tied into it so I guess it does. Either way. I shall light that candle. Can't forget.

Warning: may be triggering? Mention some physical 'abuse' on the bottom. Just thought I'd say

Okay, so I just had a memory couple days ago, and my brain is still trying to process it. I couldn't talk about it in therapy today (because all session was me crying over how I am not getting better, but that's a different story). So I thought "why not post it here". I don't think I did yet.

Basically, it's from when I was around 11 or 12. A hot summer day, probably 30 C or more, and my parents were getting ready to go shopping downtown, to enjoy the afternoon all 3 which is a rare thing. I had picked a denim skirt since was that hot, and was grabbing my phone when my mother instantly yelled "are you wearing that? That's too short, go get something else". And I told her, calmly and confused: it's hot outside, and this skirt isn't even flowy nor short. She started saying how I'd make people assume the worst of them, saying I'd get people calling them names for letting me going out like some "random women in a corner" and to put a pair of long pants. My dad came in and calmly told her "let the girl wear a skirt, it's not even a short one and it's hot outside - you don't want her to burn inside some long jeans".

By then she was saying how we never cared about what she had to say, and for us to hurry up. Mind you, at that time I wasn't spending much time with my mother, we weren't close and she'd mostly spend all afternoons sleeping and taking painkillers. So I valued any time I could have with her talking, since I didn't "know" her. Plus, I think was that summer that a month later I ended up going on a 3 day trip with some kids from our town, a camping trip, and spent a night crying in middle of a party, because was only day in the week I saw her, and I was away and didn't have my phone. Some kids ended up finding me crying on some steps, all by myself, and asking me what's wrong. It still hurts to remember that.

After that, with my dad saying that yes I was taking the skirt, he told us to meet him in the car and I went to grab my phone and wallet, and my mom went to the kitchen I think drink a glass of water. When I went to the door (near the kitchen), I stopped and asked her if she was coming, and she replied in such a hateful way it shook my bones:

"You can consider yourself a really lucky girl because your mother never hit you, but you can bet I was pretty close to smack you accross the head, you were so rude and had no right"

And then I went in the car, sat down in the back seat, she came after and had a smile in her face asking my dad where we were going. I guarantee you, I never felt so confused in my life. My mother is not one to do that, to speak in such a hateful way - I mean, she does talk in a mean way when talking on the phone with family, but it's more in a "fun mean" way. I think I blocked that memory for some time, I didn't want to remember but I had snips of it. Just yesterday did I get the whole thing and shocked me.

I didn't know her as a person, only what others told me from her but lived with her everyday. And suddenly, we're going shopping and for ice cream, and I'm just so happy for us 3 to be together, and she says that. I don't think those were her exact words, but I do remember her saying she was pretty close to hitting me and even lifting her hand at me and

I think she did slap me

Okay I think she did, because I'm getting the memory and now I remember why I was so shook, she either slapped me or tried to. Okay this isn't what I expected, but my mind is confusing me. As I was typing this, I felt something on my cheek and remember her saying "you're lucky I never slapped you before" so I'm kind of confused.

But that was the memory. I also got another one, but from another time, when my dad got really angry at the fact I said I didn't want a shirt. Because the shirt was too small on me and he felt I said I didn't like it because was cheap, and he lifted his hand to slap me and she yelled while crying "hit her on the hands, not the face, on the hands not the face!" as if that was better. I'm having flashbacks now, feeling it on my arms and hands. Why is this happening. This doesn't happen. Not for long time. Okay. I should probably sleep or do some mindfulness or idk what but something because I'm about to cry and feeling overwhelmed. I'm okay. I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'll just put a warning on top, idk how triggering this might be to someone, my hands are shaking a bit, can't type well. I'll be okay, I'll breathe and be okay.

They say best way to fix a hole from not having a 'mother' emotionally present is finding a mother figure - I mean, from what I read. And truth be told, I've had many mother figures as kid. Like my grandmother, until she died. Or my mom's best friend. Who also died. So after I was 11 I kind of gave up on mother figures, but never realized it. Only now, trying to see if I find someone I can 'use' as mother figure and can't. My mind doesn't trust the person will "live" or be around me.

I can't trust women because of this. I can't trust girls my age either.

I can't trust guys my age because of bullying. I can't trust men either.

The moment I get close to someone, my mind yells "RUN" and I hide. I want to make friends, but can't. Not only over this, but have no one to even 'get to know'.

How can I actually get friends, be in a relationship if trusting is so hard? I mean, can't even trust my therapist. Being honest to her is a struggle, and I'm supposed to be there to get over struggles. Has anyone went through this and got over it? Because honestly I don't feel I can. I feel I'll have to pretend for rest of my life, and hurts. Because I already pretend. I pretend all the time. I pretend I feel loved. Fake it till you make it, you know? But I never feel loved. Just keep pretending and don't tell anyone. And when I do tell.. I back away when I notice it hurts them. I can't trust, I can't feel loved - but I'd rather people believe I feel loved than hurt them and be without them. Even if I don't trust them, I don't want them out. I'm a walking and breathing paradox.

I can't believe I admited it. I can't believe I called my incident in school "sexual assault". I can't believe I told it. But now it's posted to that thread and I can't delete it. Should I feel ashamed? Scared? Relieved? I don't know. I feel numb. My mind is ignoring it happened, to not even process it. I just went with the impulse, said it to not regret it later.

I am scared for this month. You betcha I am. Because my mind is already BURSTING. Self-harm urges off the rough, mood swings are quick to the point I can be laughing and if one small thing goes wrong, in second and half I am yelling and about to break stuff. Depression hit me so hard with all these emotions that I've been fighting numbness and derealization. Yesterday I kept zoning out, I was doing my homework for today's tutor session and I am so glad I didn't have much left, because I kept confusing letters and numbers and getting lost. I didn't remember what day of week or month was, so much that I almost forgot to set things for todays and thought I had already had tutoring and paid for december. I was taking a bath, and I just remember sitting on the bath tub after who knows how long and thinking "why am I here?"

I hate when that happens. When my mind is so overwhelmed and turned off, that even things that I usually worry about, seem unreal. And as much as I hate to say it, the only way I was able to get out of it was by hurting myself. It helped me get back on earth for some hours, at least.

And all because.. family. Because I have to see them, be around them and can't avoid them. I mean, in theory I can. But in practic, not really. Not only that, it's a time that tends to remind me of my grandma a lot. Her birthday was around christmas time, on Christmas day and New Years' Eve, my family used to mention her a lot whic hurt, and some other things. I know handle the grief way better than years ago, but always feel alone.

-sigh-

But I guess this is a rough time for everyone, right, so it's stupid for me to worry? I mean, it's always what I here. "it's stressful for everyone, nobody like family drama, your family is just like any other yadda yadda". Well, could be. But since I am 13, December is a month where my depression hits hard to the point that in high school, on the first day of winter holidays I used to cry all day. And I mean, all day. Also my "anger/dissociaton" episodes would happen a lot, and when I woke up from there I was surrounded in broken things and burnt things, unsure how it happened - with ashes on my hands and scratches I didn't even remember doing.

So wasn't a nice thing. I mean, it's not the type of holidays a typical teen wishes for, but for me was normal. I never scheduled plans with friends on first days of holidays because I knew I'd be super depressed and in bed all day. The only times I'd shower or brush my hair was for parties. And would take me 3 hours just to get ready. 2 of those, to shower.

Well I'mma stop here, my mind is going to a negative space and today derealization is OFF so I'll enjoy it for rest of today. Though I didn't study or did anything besides shower + wash hair and do my nails. Have a party tomorrow with family, but the good side of family. Though it's a birthday and birthdays are triggering for me so.. yeah. Also, I hate using the word trigger because I don't want anyone to think it's me over using, but I only use it when I mean it. Going to birthday parties can lead me to flashbacks and panic, maybe even a depression episode or anxiety/panic attacks at max. Okay off I go

Everyone has traditions. I have my own, and I started it when I was 9. The first Christmas after my grandmother had passed away, I was feeling really alone and sad - my parents were working and because she had died, I couldn't spend holidays with her. So instead, cried all days. Around the 21-23rd of December, I was watching TV when a movie came on - Anastasia. I don't know how to explain it, but something about it called my attention. And after the first scene, I started smiling and crying, and sat in front of the TV

The next years, around those days, I'd stay in front of the TV waiting for the movie again, switching between channels - but never came. Nor did I remember the name. Took about 5 years until I found the name and got the movie again, and after that (so when I was 14), every December around 21st, I watch that movie. It's my comfort, it's what makes holidays somewhat tolerable, I know all lines, I know all songs, and to this day the line "Soon you'll be, home with me. Once upon a December" gives me chills each time.

It's was that movie that made me feel understood. As a kid I felt I didn't belong anywhere, so it made me have hope. There aren't many movies that give me this feeling. And yes, most of them are animation/cartoon but big deal. If I love a movie and I watch it multiple times, it's not because I just love the story, but because means something to me. And for most people, they would never guess why. Or probably would find the "why" ridiculous. But considering as a little girl I felt no one understood me, feeling a movie character was "me" was all I needed.

And Anastasia.. just the fact it's December, my mind is already waiting for that time to watch the movie - and it's something I always watch alone (with tissues). But I don't cry because makes me sad, but because makes me feel okay. Because that first Christmas I was so sad, and that movie made feel less alone, sometimes it's as if I can feel my grandmother or someone around me - I know it's just my mind feeling better, but it's a great feeling

Too bad our TV is broken.. So I'll need to watch in my laptop, or maybe in our old CRT TV: get that old feeling when I first watched the movie haha

My mom works on Christmas and pretty much any holiday that isn't on her work-free days. So as a kid, it was mostly me and my dad and he isn't one to enjoy celebrating holidays. We'd pick her up from work around 5 pm and then go to my grandfathers which was a mess, by time we got there, and arguments. I didn't want to go spend lunch there, but I also felt a bit "strange" being home with only my dad. I'd wake up and open gifts when I wanted and alone. I mean it's not as if I got many gifts, but I really cared for anything. After a couple years, my dad really started to try and make it 'special' which was nice. He'd make pancakes for breakfast, I'd watch the movies or the circus on TV, and then he'd roast some chicken and french fries for us - my favorite food as a kid.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this incident, but when I was 7 there was an argument. Was our first Christmas in our new apartment, and my mom had the day off, so my dad tried to get us all 3 to have lunch at home and then go visit family. At 7 am, my aunt came in.. all I know is I woke up and she was there, telling me I had to go with her to see my gift. Told me to get dressed quickly, and I was asking if my dad had said was okay, if he knew (he was still asleep). She just ignored my questions and said "they'll meet us both there, come on, you'll love it". My mother heard the conversation, wished us a good trip and didn't say a thing.

When we got to my grandfather's house, my dad was frantically calling them and saying how it was unacceptable she took me out without saying. I just stood there watching my grandfather shout and say he was rude for not "sharing me" as if I was a toy. My grandmother was crying and when my aunt picked up the phone, all went downhill from there. Both were arguing on the phone and I was sitting there, feeling invisible. Next thing I knew, my aunt grabbed my arm and pushed me into her car, calling my dad multiple curse words and taking me back home. My mother was crying saying she "didn't know", and my dad was pretty upset.. I just remember not saying a word until I was alone with my dad (my mother was so 'sad', she hid in her room praying until lunch time) and I apologized constantly, saying it was my fault that I didn't say no. Of couse he told me wasn't my fault, that my aunt manipulated me. But that day we didn't visit my mom's family, my dad thought was the right way to teach them it wasn't okay what they did. And the next year he didn't as well. And that was the last christmas before my grandmother's death.

May sound stupid me getting sad about this, I know. Now I don't feel as bad, it's a memory that comes around this time, yes, but it doesn't hurt me as much as did few years ago. I used to laugh it off with people "the day my aunt almost kidnapped me" and make it fun.. but wasn't fun. I was so scared, I felt guilty, I felt I ruined the Holidays for everyone that year.

I mean, it's tiny things. But this in an example of how bad things can get in my family. This is an example of multiple other events that happened in holidays with my mom's family. So when I say "I hate christmas because of my family" I don't mean they cooked the wrong food or didn't give me a nice gift. I mean pretty much taking me out of my home against my will, or bullying me and my dad over small things like the fact we're atheists, or having so many arguments that people start getting drunk and throwing their stomach contact everywhere, getting headaches over shouting and loud music, then we getting calls some uncle crashed his car on a wall or got stopped by police. I mean.. this is what it was about. Do you think this is a nice place for a kid or teenager? Have you knows any 10 year old that wishes this as a family celebration?

-sigh-

I don't know, the first memory camed in and I just thought I'd let it out. My mom is home today, so my mind is going everywhere. Already had nightmares, now i'm sorta okay. About to draw a bit, make lunch and then work on some christmas cards. I am doing christmas cards for some family members. I was going to give one to my therapist, but I'm only seeing her in january. So it's just going to be for my cousins and the people I feel care. I need to buy some supplies though but have 2 almost done lol