Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels

@givemecoffee

Hi there :)

Your post came a little heavy on my heart actually as it seems so sad to me that you would wonder if it was actually trauma or not... you had a really awful and traumatic time as a child. Your father devalued you with his outbursts that now you question everything and wonder if your therapist will even see it as trauma as not.

Its no wonder you're feeling as bad as you do now. Childhood trauma is the worst, as a therapist it's taken me years myself to heal and it's still a healing process.

What you suffered with was huge and I'm glad you're here. Be gentle on yourself! Is therapy helping? How are you feeling today?

Lisa

@OceanCounselling Thank you. I don't know, I guess I'm afraid of diminishing someone's trauma by calling my situation traumatic, in a way. Therapy is helping in a way, so yes - it made me able to talk about these things, which I never did before. But I've had a couple hard months, not because of this but my overall mental health, I guess. It's slowly getting better, though

@givemecoffee

im glad it's getting better, you're doing all what you can to heal and I'm glad people here make you realise what you went through was very very real :)

@givemecoffee

We never diminish other people's traumatic experiences, it affects us differently but trauma is trauma. We, as victims always stand together! Hugs :)

@givemecoffee Im really sorry about all of that. It sounds like you have had it really hard

I start to think I just had small things building up. My mom not being emotionally available, my dad being both good/bad, deaths when I was a kid, bullying, medical things - and the medical is my fault. I did it to myself, they were just trying to reduce the damage. But it hurt, the way the treated me, the things they said. I'm trying not to trigger anyone, but I'm sorry if anyone reads this and feels triggered. For a year after that day, probably more, I'd have nightmares with the tube. I'd wake up in middle of night and feel it down my throat, feel the pain. I remember once was watching a movie and it happened to show a scene with it, and I had a panic attack that I told myself afterwards "this is crazy. I'm acting this way but I deserved it, I did it, I told someone, they had to do it or so they said".

Still, I didn't deserve the looks from the nurse. Or so I hope. Or so I tell myself whenever those memories come back. I didn't deserve being called "gross" and being told I'm "disgusting the whole ER" - I didn't deserve to get put in a cold room with only a small sheet that was dirty. I didn't deserve to be told "well, it will hurt but you don't mind that, right?". I didn't deserve to get treated like trash. I didn't deserve to left there, for hours, waiting for a psychiatrist that just ignored me. Told me would be back in 5 minutes to explain, but for the 7 hours I was there, didn't see her again nor one nurse. I didn't deserve to not get food, I didn't deserve to get refused water or tea. I didn't deserve to be told lies. I didn't. Even if was something I did to myself, I wish they realized that took a lot of courage to admit what I did - that I was all alone, my phone's battery was dead, I didn't have my watch nor any warm clothes. And was left during the night with just a thin sheet, in a cold dark room, crying and no one said a word. Only one woman was gentle to me that night, a cleaning lady that asked me if I'd like to go to the bathroom, and helped me standing up because I was too weak and frightened, let me have some minutes on my own while I cried, and didn't force me or criticized me - just told me it'd get better and other kind words.

Funny how someone with no qualifications with probably 'meaningless' education to some did more of a work of an empathetic person than those that are qualified and educated to support and help others. She wasn't afraid to hold my hand and smile, but nurse and doctors didn't even ask me if I was comfortable. Sometimes I just gotta remind myself I didn't deserve that, even if they told me I did. I won't trust doctors any time soon, you can bet that!

@givemecoffee Im here for you <3

@CastielIsPerfect thank you

Somethings just make me so angry, it's hard to control. And the worst? It's about my mother. I have to live with her, so I usually handle these on a daily basis. Most times I just walk to a different room, others they just make me so upset I get locked up in my mind and can't move, only pinch myself to avoid doing something I'll regret like yelling "stop".

Her giggle. I feel my skin crawl when she giggles. It reminds me of each time she'd ignore me telling her how school went at the end of the day, how she'd giggle before she turned away and slept on couch, totally ignoring how I was there talking about things I was interested in or things that hurt me, without even saying a word. So many times I found myself talking alone, on the rare ocassions she'd be awake. Or she'd giggle when some family members said some rude comments. Her giggle feels like knifes in my body when I hear, I feel almost allergic to it. Or even her singing, her humming out tunes.

The smell of rosemary. It's something that, I can't explain. She has a tendency to keep rosemary on her purse or in her hands, as a way to keep 'bad spirits away' and the smell is strong. Today, she smelled like rosemary and I was trying to watch one of my favorite movies "The Help". I had asked my dad to keep quiet, because he was telling jokes and I wanted to watch it. She knew I wanted silence, but then started to tell stories from her work. I wanted to tell her "please stop, you can tell those after, I want to watch it now" but couldn't. The smell was upseting me, I was feeling overwhelmed.

Also.. I don't trust my mother enough to ask her kindly to stop talking. It's weird. For me, she's like a stranger, I don't want to be around her - I'd rather avoid her like the plague. I hate her, but I can't hate her because she's my mother. Her voice, her giggle, her singing, her touch, her as a person is too much. If no one else that I trust, usually my dad, is beside me (or a group of people), I lose it. I have to go way far from her, or else I don't know which dark places my mind goes to.

@wizeakre Thank you for replying. My therapist told me things like "your childhood wasn't easy, you were emotionally neglected" but I still have trouble believing, it's like you said, many people say I'm overreacting or just too sensitive. I mean, that's if I don't mention details like I mentioned here, because if I do, I'm called a liar, attention-seeker, ungrateful. I never asked my therapist if it's trauma or not, I was going to but got scared. I was going too because heard about complex trauma and C-PTSD and I wanted her input but I'm scared to be treated like an attention seeker. Even if I trust her, I feel I need to walk on egg shell to make everyone like me and not hate me. One bad word is enough to make me crumble.

Thank you, it's a good feeling to know I'm not only one. I never really talked about these things before, only when my therapist started to ask the right questionss. After that, I started to get flashbacks from some situations and even realized I rarely wrote about it in journals. Some situations felt real but I didn't know if they were. Because I had already dealt with bullying flashbacks and I had the journals to confirm that those were truth even if I didn't remember them before flashbacks, I was able to put 2 + 2 and see probably was real. And had my therapist also. If I hadn't, I'd probably still be trying to understand why I feel anxious going to see some family and why I feel angry everytime I'm around my mother. Because I never ever told myself "could be that I hate her". That wasn't allowed, I didn't let myself think about my family.

And now I can't shut up. I remember with bullying was same, when I first got a chance to talk it out with someone, I talked way too much. If someone would ask the right question and not give me a sign to shut up, I'd talk and cry and yell until I lost my voice. That did help, strangely. But I hate it. Because it's either I push it aside 100% or I have to tell the whole world about it, and in both I feel huge guilt and shame.

P.S: Long reply, see? I can't give short ones, I could rewrite it 10 times like I sometimes do, but it's long either way. lol

The day has been well, and was studying fully concentrated when my mother asked me to check her phone if someone had called her. Then she asked me about lunch what I wanted. When she left, I felt the anger building, my mind screaming at me but I'm not able to know which toughts, I just fell my mind racing but can't understand what, or maybe I'm just blocking them so I don't freak out. And she didn't do anything wrong. Not now.

She never used to ask me what I wanted for lunch, just make it - if she made it, after I learned how to cook, she stopped working on lunch on days we were home by ourselves and would sleep. Or she'd make and not let me know. Or I'd ask her if she'd like me to do it, and then after I started preparing, say she didn't want anymore. I lost it somedays, yelling at her.

Worst was last year, when I was sick. I had the flu or a really bad cold, and truth be told, one of the times it was her fault. I was feeling unwell, and we went shopping and asked her if we could stay away from the sun so I wouldn't get worse - but no, she made me sit under the sun, to 'see the ocean'. When I get home, I could barely keep my eyes open, the headaches were terrible. My dad yelled at her when he found out, because I had to stay in bed for 2 days. She didn't apologize once. And months later, when I got sick again (I kept getting sick), she was home with me that day. I had therapy appointment, but when woke up and had horrible headaches and felt my body all in pain, just mumbled to my dad 'cancel my appointment'. The medication eventually kicked in and I was able to move a bit to prepare my breakfast, so I could leave my bed for a bit but not long. I just layed down on the couch.

She complained she had a headache and asked me if I could make us lunch - some soup. I just starred at her. I was in couch, wrapped in a blanket, pale and barely able to sit down without feeling my head pound. But I had to make lunch because she had a headache. While she laughed at the TV, I was preparing some soup, and having to constantly sit down and take some painkillers, because my body felt destroyed into bits.

This is turning into a "family drama venting" situation but.. this is what upsets me. I don't know what 'mother taking after me' is. I mean, I know - I bet she someday looked after me sick. And me looking after her? 8 years old and being her personal listener on demand. 10 years old and helping her when her blood pressure dropped, even grabbing her so she wouldn't faint, make her sit down and grab a glass of water and sugar. I feel like I'm lying. I remember her bringing fruit and orange juice to me, many times when was kid. So she couldn't have been this bad.. so why do I feel like she was? I mean, she'd bring the fruit even if I didn't ask and didn't want to - but was it, she'd bring the fruit and go. My mind is more confused.

And this doesn't even fit this forum, I can see how people will think to themselves "why is she complaining, this is not a trauma, this not traumatic, this is her being ungrateful and trying to get attention". I wanna go back to being 7. Things weren't so hard then. My grandma was alive, my favorite teachers were alive, I felt cared for even if just in school and with my grandma. And then poof at 8. Grandma died from heart problem, teacher died from suicide, 3 funerals in one month and everyone asking ME how my mom and grandfather felt. Not once did they ask how I felt. Not once. Only grown-ups are allowed to feel. But who cares what a child feels.. that's what they told me. "Children don't understand death or what is to lose someone, so they don't need to grieve" or "if it's not your siblings nor parents, you shouldn't be sad about someone dying". I'm still not sure if that's someone that actually told me, or how my brain processed things when I was 8, because I vividly remember not allowing myself to feel sad around anyone and some voice telling me those things.. like a female voice, maybe my aunt or cousin, not sure.

Sorry. Hate when mid writing something my brain completely shifts opinions

I wish I knew how my mind works about this whole 'traumatic' situation. I mean, if I was so easily affected by traumas then I should be terrified of rain and fire, from a previous storm and terrible forest fires we've had where I live, where cities got destroyed. But no. I get worried, but not like when I heard middle schoolers laughing right behind me. That situation, will drive me nuts, I'll start scratching my skin and mumbling "go away" and panicking, in 2 seconds. But if someone would've told me, there is a fire near your house, I'd just grab what I needed even with my heart pounding and walk away to safety. If someone told me "these kids are just going to sit here and gossip, leave if you want to" I'd block, want to leave but not able, and get locked up in my mind. It has happened before. And it's crazy that someone in their mid 20's biggest weakness would be 13 year olds laughing.

I feel like I am broken. Like any little thing that happens, I can't handle it. And that nothing bad happened. But then I think "some things really happened and were rough". But what? The deaths, the badly made home where it flooded every time it rained a bit too hard, being ridiculed by family, school and neighbors? To me that both sounds hard and easy. To me, all those things both mean I had some rough bits at childhood and exaggerated them or put too much energy on them.

I struggle with my family but still want to have a good relation with my mom, even if can't find one topic of conversation between us because she always makes the topic bad. Either by making the topic about her/someone she knows, when has nothing to do with the main topic. Or by bringing in cliche sentences. I can't talk to my mother about my studies. She'll say "you can do everything you want" and "you're perfect no matter what" and all I'm saying is "I need to buy a textbook and can't find it". I've started to hate people that say "you're perfect" and "you can do everything" because it's a lie - no one is and no one can. I'd rather they told me "yeah, studying sucks and its tough. Keep trying though, there's things you're doing good, right? Good" instead of "you're doing great" when I am mentioning my struggles. But, if I say this to most people they'll just say "oh but she thinks you're perfect, why are you complaining?". And if someone thinks like that - read again. I'm complaining because THOSE sentences how SHE says them, it's when she didn't pay any attention

And deaths? I was never allowed to grieve. Because children don't understand death, because children don't feel same pain as adults. But then I got criticized for not crying. Even if for all my childhood, if I cried I was criticized. I got told I never loved my grandma, even by my own cousin. I was this little girl, 8 years old - and I was helping my mother grieve, I was letting her vent to me but never opened my mouth. And then helped a friend as well, that lost her grandfather. I saw people ignoring her like they did to me, at school. So I sat beside her and said "I lost my grandma too, it hurts". We just sat together that recess. I was caring for everyone and everyone was thanking me. Why would I care for me?

I don't know where I was headed with this, seriously.. I don't know, I've just been crying myself to sleep lately, and hurts. I have therapy appointment in a week. After a month without any, I am feeling the need to go there! I kinda want to ask her if there's some more ways to get support, but I don't know about any support groups where I live, I don't even think those exist. And i'm too scared to ask for it. But I seriously need more real-life support, problem is how to get it. This whole bringing things from past in therapy is good, but the appointments every 2 weeks and no support outside of that is terrible. I guess that's probably why I keep going in circles. But what to do when your country offers nothing else, you have no friends and your parents think you're cured and only see her for "chit chat"?

"Perks of being only child, you get all attention from mommy" - my 10 year old cousin who is only-child like me. Good thing I was playing a game with her at the time, could distract myself with the game and change topic, because that's a sentence that.. Hurts

I'm not the stereotypical only-child. I didn't get all love or attention. I'm not sure what I got. But it's hard to see my cousin getting so much love from everyone, I want her too but at same time, I'm jealous. And I don't want that to make me bitter about her. I can imagine she won't get bullied, she will get popular in school, and probably be everything I wasn't. And all because she got love, attention and ressurances as a kid that she was seen, loved and wanted. Not only she was told that, but she was shown that. I was only told. But then they did the opposite.

Warning: Pretty long post. I know. I just had some memories in middle and.. bullying.. and me losing my mind. Go on and read if you dare or have patience to follow. don't blame you if you don't. I wouldn't. I didn't even re-read what I wrote, I am shaking so bad I'll just post it and move on, can't read it again now

Today was talking to my dad and for some reason we started talking about internet videos, memes etc. He mentioned I "trolled" him by showing him funny videos, as a joke, and then we started to talk about trolls in fairytales and he mentioned how a troll was different than a bully. I don't remember exactly why he said "not to offend you", if was because he kept saying bullies were the rude kind that 'smacks people for no reason', or something else. But I felt hurt a bit and then ignored it. Or tried to, because the memory kept coming. Of me, being in car with him like that time, telling him some kids were bullying me.

How I told him an older boy was hitting me and calling me names. His reply was "what do you want me to do? Go up to him and punch him?!" - I just wanted him to talk to the principal, but couldn't master the words. So days later asked if he could somehow talk to the school. He instead asked for my student book, which was a notebook each student had for parent-teacher conversation and sending notes from teacher-parent and parent-teacher. He asked the class where it happened most and the name of the students and teacher, I tried to explain to him happened in all, but he still wrote to the teacher of the class where happened more. Next morning, I had to show it to the teacher, such a hateful women.

I showed to her while the class was sitting. Her reply was full of hate, and instead of replying to me, she said to the whole class to pay attention and said outloud: "Since miss (my name) feels is so special, and her father wanted me to know that, I'll have to move her from her seat, so she's away from the people that are sadly being mean to her. So she'll sit right in front, really close to the door, so poor special girl is protected" and while everyone was laughing, told me to sit down. I went from being pinched and hit on my arms, and having my things stollen and destroyed, to hearing laughter behind my back. That teacher, from then on, hated me.

I tried to give my parents clues on the bullying. Even reading news related to bullying outloud, and getting no reply back. I came to realization, they didn't care and thought was normal behavior. I never came home with bruises, only a sore shoulder from once they pushed me off the stage, which was 5-10 cm of ground, I fell on top of my left arm to protect my fall. Then 3 boys went on top of me, creating a human pile. I can feel a weird feeling on my shoulder when remember it.

I wish I had come with bruises. I wish I had some visible signs, but no. I wish my dad went to the principal or the headteacher himself, instead of telling me to fix the situation and talk to the headteacher on my own. I wish my mother had decided to get involved - she always said how she wouldn't get involved in school stuff. I wish had someone on my side, even my friend from outside of school took side of my bullies. I wish things had gone differently, and sad thing is: there was nothing I could do. I did best I could with what I was given, everyone else failed me. I tried to ignore them, then they started to pick me up and throw me in trash cans. I tried to stand up for myself, even hitting my own bully - but I was a tiny frail girl and he was a talk strong boy, not only he was 2 years older than me but taller, heavier and way more stronger than me. I only got laughed more. I tried talking to my teachers, they pushed me away and told me to quit whining. I tried finding a place to get support, no one would even tell me about a school therapist much less the office. I tried to ignore it after it happened, but had people come up to me in middle of street, even 2 years later, saying if I was THAT girl. Many times, came home in tears, freaking out - closing the front door and just sitting down right in front of it, crying loudly because all my strength to even go to my room or living room was too hard.

For the years after, I'd have these transes that probably were dissociations with rage blow-ups who knows! All I know is I'd get so angry, I'd forget what happened and wake up with ripped books and agendas, burned pictures of my classmates, ashes all over my hands and even clothes. I got scared I'd burn down the house, because I didn't quite remember doing it so while I was trying to figure out how I got there and how everything around me ended up like that, I had to clean it up and make sure didn't leave a trace behind. One of the worst times was when I found probably 3 magazines ripped page by pages all over the room, the chair thrown the other way, pens all over the floor - my fingers were red and burning, I think I ripped the pages so bad, my fingers got abrasions and papercuts. I rarely tell people this, I think I never did. I'd just clean it up and try to ignore it, because when it happened, I could not stop it. I could just stop myself from breaking important things, and try to contain it as best possible. There is a song I can't listen without memories of that worst episode, because I had it on repeat throughout. "We Are" by Ana Jonhsson. I was listening to that song, when something in it triggered that rage. I think I may have screamed "hope you all die, hope you all die", but no neighboor called police or nothing, so probably music muffled my voice. When I'd wake up from the transe, like I called them, was like waking up from a nightmare that you're not sure if was real or not. I kept trying to tell myself "I did that" specially if I had hurt myself through the 'episode', but couldn't. I could remember it happening, but not me doing it. My worst fear was doing it in front of someone, to their things. So I'd just go to my room when felt could, and do it there.

At worst, I was punching my door. Was 18. My parents called my name and I opened the door, they were looking at me from halfway the hallway, asking if I was okay. I had been punching my door for about five minutes. I still have carved in my wardrobe door "CRAZY GIRL", I just hope no one notices it, no one ever did.

I am shaking a bit, only realized now because it's getting harder to type. Bad choice to put the song on, I keep getting these memories back.

Why why why why why am I thinking about it? It's long gone, no flashbacks in long time if you exclude the 'panic episode' back in May. No nightmares, no nothing. So why thinking about it? Why does it cross my mind from time to time? Maybe it's because it's 10 years, maybe because I didn't thought I'd live this long. But also expected life to be better by now, which isn't. Not sure either is a good thing. And why does my mind focus on that one particular day in November? The only thing different from that day to any other day was that I came into my headteacher's office, told her about the bullying and she told me to go because I had no "proof". Not only she said that, but smirked while she did. What kind of teacher tells you to go find a witness with a smile, and as you leave laughs with her coleagues. Probably was revenge. Because I was stubborn and didn't want to do something in gym class that had injured me before. Though, as a teacher and a legal adult, she should've reconsider how I was a kid and she was the grown up, not the other way around.

My therapist says it's good and great progress that I don't blame myself anymore for the bullying. But it doesn't help to see how NO ONE did anything to help the situation. I'm shifting blame and anger from me onto them, and then back at me for worrying about this. Not healthy

@givemecoffee

Your headteacher's response was a disgrace! So it's no surprise something like that would play on your mind. I've read back through the rest of your thread, and it seems there were lots of adults in your childhood who let you down. And adults you would mainly think you should be able to rely upon. But you didn't seem to get the expected responses, or at least, not continuously. And those sort of mixed and negative messages are so very damaging. So yes, it's wonderful that you're starting to be able to place the blame on the right people. But don't blame yourself for struggling to make sense of people's actions. Not when they were so messed up as they were.

As to why you're thinking of it now? I think those sort of experiences in your youth sit really deeply within you. People will often refer to the inner child. Your inner child sounds like a sad, confused, betrayed little girl. Sometimes it can be hard to put our adult selves into the same mindset as our child self. Because as adults we have more experience to draw upon, more coping skills, more ability to rationalise. But there's still that bit of you that says 'Why me? What did I do wrong? How could you treat me that way'? And for your inner child, that's not been answered yet, so the thoughts keep popping back up.

I'm no psychologist - maybe that's babble! But I know for me at least, once I took care of my inner child, that's when I really began to take care of me.

@DeborahUK Thank you. And makes sense - sad, confused, betrayed.. yup that's me. I want those answers, for sure, I need them. But I can't have those answers because no one else beside my therapist, believes my struggle. I mean, in real-life. And I'm not sure how to take care of my inner-child when no one else gives validation. I mean, I really appreciate all support in 7cups but it's not same as having someone in real-life or an ally when I need one. But I hope I find someone, meanwhile have my therapist, I guess

I actually read a book about wounds of the soul, and it goes a bit with inner-child it seems. I may have to read that book again, I actually brought it into therapy and read the two wounds I felt described me most.

My therapist said: "have you thought you should learn to forgive? Even if they haven't given you those answers?"

I felt super invalidated. I felt ignored. Attacked. Misunderstood. But my mind couldn't show it. I just said the truth, that I can't forgive someone without an answer. Without being acknowledged. I don't think I can trust my therapist, if she doesn't understand how hard this is. I WANT to forgive but can't - not if someone else won't put same effort. Yes, she's right, there's no other option. But it shouldn't be like this. Me being in pain, missing a part of my life and childhood, and everyone happy about how great they did. Well, all but my dad. It's amazing how in all this, my dad is the only one who will say - more than once - "I could've done xyz better" and that means so much to me.

I did forgave my bullies. Semi-forgave. It's not like if they come in front me and ask me to give them a handshake, I will - or I'll talk to them if I find them on streets. No. I'd probably rather ignore them. Maybe blow up on them. But I don't think about it everyday, not because I wanted but because I needed. I was having nightmares, I was struggling to trust men. When you're a teenager and a girl, and you can't trust boys/men and your friends keep trying to set you up with someone - it's more stress than fun. I'd have anxiety attacks just thinking of my friends actually finding me a date with one.

I couldn't trust men. But I had to force myself to see "not all men are same" even though life taught me otherwise. Many would think I saw my dad as a pig. No, but I saw him as unpredictable, funny and scary. My uncles? They were the pigs. Talking about women in front of me as if they were toys. Disrespecting their wifes, getting divorced and blaming them. And boys in school? I only had one or two boys actually talking to me like I was human. I was 17/18. Up until then was "don't talk to me" "you're ugly" "oh it speaks" "disgusting" and other harsher comments. Being sexually harrassed by my bullies didn't help. And I only was able to let that grudge go, when I feel in love with someone when was 18. Too bad it didn't work out. He didn't like me same way. That sure makes me feel unloved.

Oh well, long story short. I can't forgive them - I can't forgive my mother and her family. And I can't forgive many people. Have I actually forgiven someone? Yes. My dad. Why? Because he genuinely asked sorry. And stuck to his apology and did change. I guess I'm just as stubborn as him. Which is why many people hate him, and many people hate me - but I'm more lighthearted than he is, and I repeat my mistakes 100x more times than he does.

One of my biggest fears is having migraines. I don't want to be like my mother. I already feel like if I ever become a mother, I'll be a bad one - but that's another story. Growing up, my mother slept a lot and blamed her migraines for insomnia. I think I've mentioned how many times I saw her got from work and take couple painkillers. Was only one kind (not going to say names, but it's a quite popular) and she easily got addicted to it, to the point I grew up with my dad trying to have her not take them, not allowing her to buy those - and she'd buy behind his back. And the strongest dosage ever. When I was 10 apparently she had a mild stroke, and from what my dad said it's because of the painkiller abuse. Basically, she used to take so many painkillers plus so much coffee, her body developed an addiction on both - so the migraines were not only "normal migraines" but from withdrawal symptoms. I remember almost crying in chemistry classes in school, because we were studying LD50 (lethal dose 50: the amount of a chemical per kg that gives a 50/50 chance of death) and my teacher mentioned that painkiller as being highly dangerous. I came home and told my mom "don't ever take that again" but she started buying it behind our back and hiding in her purse and work locker. Or if she had none, her friends would give her. She isn't taking as many, but I now get fear I'll turn out the same way.

As a teen, when started having period pains, I refused to take medication - people thought was because I hated swallowing pills but that was the smallest reason. Bigger reason was: I don't want to be like my mother. The past months I've had more frequent headaches, sometime with nausea. I end up having to lay down and nothing really helps, and I started taking the painkillers when they get worse because it helps a bit but sometimes not that much. I avoid taking more than one dosage, even if means losing hours to rest. Also, it's same trigger as my mother: lights. Couple months ago I researched migraines because was afraid could be them and read about how migraines can be hereditary, and have a genetic part to them. It feels like I have my death sentence.

I mean, the headaches don't seem the generic description of migraines but the nausea and light sensitivity and having to lay down.. I don't know, I just hope they're not. I already feel bad enough. I can't imagine the possibility of one day, causing pain to someone same as my mother caused to us: the arguments, the stress both from seeing her lying and getting worse - and from when she had to go to emergency room. I daydreamed a lot, when was 10-13 years old, about what would happen in my mother died. The scarier thing was I didn't feel my days would be much different. Then I started daydreaming about my dad dying - and realized, that would probably ruin my life. It's a scary moment when you realize that, the person that's supposed to be 'your best person' (just look at movies, shows.. mother is always superior to father) is the person I least know, and the person that makes least impact in my life. And back then, my dad had his anger on worst peak, so while my dad would be yelling and throwing things, my mother would cry how she could die at any moment. And what did I do? I'd clean the mess, stay quiet and try not to cry. If I cried, my dad could get angrier and hit me. Well, slap my face or grab my arm hard. I can still hear my mother yell at him "don't slap her face, slap her hands" while crying. I guess that was her trying to help? Seems like such a distant memory when I start talking about it, and then.. it hits me. It did happen.

@givemecoffee

You don't have to be like your mother, sweetie... you can make different choices than she has. That's the part of life that counts.

@singercrystalspirit thank you

@givemecoffee

i have good news for you. Migraines are better understood now, and the medications that treat them have come a long way.

When I was younger I saw a doctor who made me addicted to a narcotic and my migraines became chronic. They would last for days/weeks at a time. The narcotics cut the symptom of pain (some) but did nothing to break the cycle.

I changed doctors. The new doctor took me off the narcotics (horrible withdrawal) and tried a more preventative approach. Migraines can be hereditary. A low dose of an anti-epilepsy medication broke the cycle. I don't have to take that anymore, but don't have chronic migraines either. That new doctor told me that recent research found that narcotics eventually trigger migraines, so they're not a good treatment option.

Other things they'll try to change the blood flow are low doses of anti-depressants and low doses of blood pressure medicine.

There are also medications like Relpax and Imitrex that paralyze temporarily the blood vessels that are constricting and dilating that cause the pain. This is a much better treatment than narcotics.

When I have a truly debilitating migraine now, I go the urgent care and get a shot of Toradol and a Zofran tablet. This is a pretty standard treatment. The Toradol is a very strong anti-inflammatory and the Zofran cuts nausea and the two work well together.

My home remedies for migraines when I don't want to take more than Tylenol/Advil, I'll try putting an ice pack on my head and taking magnesium.

I hope some of that helps.

You're your own person. This Illness doesn't have to be the same for you.

@wizeakre I'm trying the most drug-free approach I can, they seem to be triggered by stress and they also don't seem migraine-headache, they just last a long time, which makes them more difficult to manage because I get unmotivated to do things (if makes sense). Thank you. I have a tendency to notice my mistakes, and want to change them - but it's hard when I see others don't have that approach.

I found myself today, while having a shower and getting ready (which seems to be times I talk to myself most?), talking to myself about my situation with my mother. Before I knew it, I was silently yelling almost a letter of sorts, of all things I'd like to tell her - almost as if she was there. When I looked at the white tiles on bathroom, and realize was actually in a bathroom and alone.. felt confused. It's hard to explain, at a point I felt I was in therapy session with my mother beside me, if makes sense? But I know that won't happen. Moving on..

I have been starting a new plan. What made me do it? My mental health was down in dumps, I was having breakdowns and self-harm urges left and right, keeping a relapse or another slip-up away was becoming impossible. Of course, this isn't all related to trauma but in a way could be. I've come to realize EVERYHING in how I react is connected in someway to my childhood and how people treated me there. Moving on..

My plan consists in keeping track of my mental health and health overall. I made mood trackers, physical health trackers and urges trackers - for when get urges to self-harm, disordered eating and abuse medication (although I haven't done that since 2013 and was a 'short-term' thing, compared to the first two, urges have came recently). I also started using an app to keep track of moods and relapses, and using a binder because I'm old-school, for any helpful sheets. Right now have some distraction plans and self-soothing activities list that I found mentioned in a DBT workbook I got.

Also have a grounding techniques page, some to fill when get panic attacks, and some others that if I find I print out, and put there. I might actually make some into PDF so I can keep in my phone for easy access, but since I'm usually 'always' home, I'd rather keep a physical binder.

How it's going so far? Okay. I tend to forget to update it until later in day, which is okay - I still update it all I can. My mood has been more stable lately, less 'upset' about random things. Main thing is, on tuesdays (which is the day my mother is home from work) I'm starting to fear. For the past months, she had been visiting my uncle on hospital for big part of day. Now he got released, so she has nothing to do so stays home. I was hoping this week's therapy appointment would fall on a tuesday since I asked my therapist to do that when possible, but apparently she couldn't because I have on wednesday instead.

I'm afraid. Mostly because I keep remembering of the times, I used to get so upset, I'd sleep all day or if forced myself to stay awake, I'd end up binge-eating all day. Because of stress. When she asks what I want for lunch, it's as if I have to contain all my anger to not blow up. I don't know exactly why - if it's because she is cooking, because she is talking to me, because she came into my space or something else. I can't figure out. All I know is, it's the worst kind of anger. I feel my chest constrict, automatically clench my fists so bad nails sink into skin and can only muster short answers. And when she goes away, it's as if my body is shaking and recovering after imploding. I don't usually get this on other situations. Go figure why.

My mother will have her holidays in a week. I'll have to spend at least 2 of those weeks alone with her, though I am lucky for the other 2 my dad will be home. I just hope she will go for most of week days to my grandfathers like she always did, and keep being the not-around mother like she always was. I can't imagine being 5 days a week with her from morning till night, and not anyone else at home. I think I might go crazy - and I mean it. At least one of those she will be morning and part of afternoon at my grandfather. On weekends I have my dad to help me not deal with her.

When I remembered today she was having her holidays, my initial thought was: "that's it, so much work into managing my mental health and now one of my triggers is going to be all day with me". My second thought was: "how will I manage studying if my parents when both home want to go places? I guess I'll have to prepare for less time" and my third thought was: "oh dang it, I will probably be forced to visit my mother's family on sunday's" - I did ask my dad that, and he sighed and said "I hope not!"

It's good that my dad hates her family, at least I know it's not my imagination, but that they are honestly BAD people. Which is why I hate Christmas, because need to be around them. I'll get into that Christmas-hate on another time, because truth be told, I think it is an amazing time of year and I love the decorations and songs, but the fact of being around family is what makes December a really difficult month for me. So it's a love-hate relationship, unlike my birthday which is a hate and want-to-love relatonship.

@givemecoffee

I don't fully understand your situation. Why will you have to be home when your mother is? School is important. If she will interfere, could you go to the library or some other public place and do it?

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's family. I think many of us can relate to people who we wouldn't have chosen as family.

@Hoping4Harmony Because I can't. There's no public libraries I can go in and study, the only one available is mostly for elder people so has little room nor do they allow someone to bring multiple books nor have school books there. I'm not in an actual school, so there's actually no place I can go in and study, because to everyone I'm not a student right now. And it's not like I can bring all my textbooks and go study in a café or somewhere, without strange looks because no one does it. And by strange looks I mean people pretty much pausing in front of me, and starring for minutes.

I can only stay home and I don't mind, I have all things I need at home. My mother is an extrovert to the extreme, I'm an introvert. Problem is, when she's home, she will most times try to make us leave and go somewhere, which means me losing at least 3 hours of study time because of transportation (I don't have license) and that is if we don't go to many places. Not to mention the stress it is when we get there. I don't think I talked about it, before, but if I didn't, going somewhere in town with her is a struggle. So I try to avoid it, for those 2 reasons, because she doesn't actually care to understand.

You're valid and you're listened to and heard. Anything that is traumatizing is trauma. And what your describing is trauma as your obviously bothered by it and having negative impacts and effects from what happened. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. You're not alone. I have really bad PTSD and I also can't stand certsin smells or honestly many things trigger me. Support to you.

@LovelyChantel Thank you, sorry you can relate it's not certainly a good thing to experience, but thank you for the validation.

I feel like a brat complaining about my mother and her 'shopping habits' but it's upseting. It's painful to be 6-9 years old and see your mother prefer seeing baby clothes when there isn't one single baby in the family to buy clothes for, and you need clothes and a female opinion. It's painful to see my dad go look for her and tell her, trying not to make a scene "come see clothes for your daughter, help us make a pick" and she saying "I have to leave, the lights are causing me migraines, i'll be outside". It's painful to not be able to buy things at my own pace, because I like only buying things I need and best quality/price ratio - because she will try to make me buy first thing so we leave the store, and make me guilty by saying "I'm tired" and "oh we should go here or there". It's painful because I end up losing time I could be using to study, and didn't even buy what I needed.

It's frustrating how I try to make her buy clothes for herself, and she says no and makes a scene. But if I even look at one piece of clothing, she will say loud (enough for the sales people to hear) "Oh you want it? I can buy it for you" - and me having to tell her, I looked at it but I don't want it. But she keeps pushing it even though 1. me and my dad are trying to prevent her from spending too much money and 2. I don't like it!!! It's frustrating because she does it with everything and doesn't understand how shopping works for me, not wants to understand. It's frustrating because she assumes knows what I like, then buys it even after I tell her I don't like it, then makes me feel guilty when I tell her I don't like it, because "kids aren't supposed to tell their parents no" - that's why she won't accept I tell her constructive criticism, because she feels a good daughter should just smile and wave and let their parents ruin their lives, because they're the parents.

No! If I see my parents doing a mistake, I will point it out. As much as possible. Actually, my dad is opposite, he feels it's the kid's job to tell their parents when they're doing something wrong, same as it's parents' job to say same to the kids. And I do. And he doesn't mind, most times - and he's pretty stubborn. So why can't she???

These might seem little things to many people, and probably it is little things, meaningless. But hurts after some time. Hurts that she will say "I'll go shopping with you" and before I notice she's outside the door, finding some friend or family member and saying how "my daughter's inside and I'm here". Or my dad and I go with my mother to buy some house appliances, and she leaves after 10 seconds out the shop, so we have to look for her and then leave empty handed before she starts gossiping with people and make them hate us more - it's usually he that says we should go, and upset. Or us going grocery shopping and she disappear 10 times during the whole time, without saying a word. Half the time we find she's outside when we're paying, the other half she comes to us with multiple things to put on the cart. We stopped going with her, because we lost double time looking for her.

When I was 4 years old I used to walk around the supermarket alone, my dad used to tell me to go grab some rice or something else and I would go and find them, all times. I knew the place like palm of my hand and yes, 4 years old (it's a small town, before anyone says 'danger'). So if I, when was 4 years old, could tell my parents "I'll go xyz isle" or go and find them, in any way.. why shouldn't an adult do same? I thought adults should be mature. But then again.. everyone says how weird of a child I was. So.. Yeah. I'll stop here, before I rant more, I gotta go study.

@wizeakre Yeah, you have a point. It's something my therapist has mentioned, because I had never thought about it, but that she almost wants to be a daughter more than a mother - so she never actually acted as 'mother' while played the role in front of outsiders. Was something I said in therapy "I feel like a statue stacked on a pedestal for all to see, but not a souvenier someone holds dear to heart". I never saw her as making me be the parent, but I also notice how I viewed things as child isn't accurate, I tried to normalize things and block emotions, so all my memories are tainted with how I wanted others to see me - so I can't actually trust how I felt then lol

Thank you. I mean, I do feel the validation now. But sometimes I don't. It's tricky. I have no other options, I wish my mother could see a therapist of her own, but can't - so we can't work on things. Oh well, gotta accept but accepting and forgiving is hard for me. Working on it.

I know, another post today, but this is for me to remember to check in a couple days, for therapy session. I had read weeks or couple months ago, about the "dysfunctional family" and how each member or children can take a role, and now I remembered it, and decided to take some notes.

I notice my mother's family has had those roles. My mother could be the "caretaker" role but in truth, she was the 'poor one' who was looked after with care by her parents, and taken by the hand, while all others got ignored, because of health problems. While many people put her down, she always had the love of her parents and can't understand why any of her siblings would say got hurt by my grandparents - she has gone in arguments over it with my aunt. My aunt is pretty much the best example of scapegoat you can find. Then there's an uncle that's also best example of Hero child. Etc

And me? I can guarantee you, I fit the lost child role like a glove. And it's terrible, it made me cry the first time I read it because, I could never find a more perfect description of how my childhood was. The nice "lost child" describes me well, pretty much. Funny things my parents sometimes bring up as jokes, specially my dad - which are true.

- During a regular check-up when I was a baby, one nurse said had never seen a baby with such a loud cry. I didn't cry much, when I did, I could make everyone know about it. That's pretty much an allegory to me as a child, I never complained, but when I did, it was a complete breakdown with tears, panic and shaking.

- My older cousin always had the attention and we were sometimes called "the two sisters". You know how they say the youngest gets all attention? Half the times we were playing together, she'd storm out crying telling everyone how I was mean to her and I wouldn't let her play. My dad used to stay and watch us play, she used to force me to be the "ugly witch" or the "stupid sister" or other characters in play pretend, and I did without complaining. When I tried to say "can we both be princesses/smart sisters/etc" she'd cry and yell until someone came, and make them tell me to "behave". My dad, on times he observed, said I would just sit in my corner, and keep playing while she was crying out and everyone was calming her down and telling me to "play nice". Mind you, in those situations she was 7 and I was 5. Or she was 9 and I was 7. If she told me "no, we're not doing your way, it's my way, always my way" I'd shut up, agree and do my thing quietly. I see my cousins play all the time, they're similar age and as "close" as my and my older cousin were, and if one tells the other "we'll do it my way", both sides argue until someone helps them decide. I rarely see a child do like me, shut up and sit quietly.

I do see one. My sister-cousin. I love her, shes' really caring and adorable. 3 months until I spend 2 weeks with her. Can 100% say it's only thing making Christmas and being around family tolerable for me.

(mental note: mention family roles in therapy session, I think that could help me explore some things)

I have lost track of how many times I've told myself (and in therapy): how can I feel so bad from my childhood, my family CAN'T be that bad, everyone says all families are the same and have issues, some families might have bigger issues than mine.

Well.. let's just say I opened my eyes this weekend, on lunch with some relatives. It's not like I can't say I haven't felt like they have many issues before, but what I saw today was with new eyes. Maybe because I haven't been with them like this in quite a while. Probably since June or earlier.

First, there weren't many around, with me included we were 8 if we count the kid (my cousin). The shouting started with calling everyone to the table, even though we were on couch 2 steps away from them, we got yelled at to go to table, instead of calmly told to "come and eat". My mother was the one yelling, because my and my dad were sitting on couch, 'afraid' to go. The yelling continued with serving food. For them, "yelling" is normal, there's nothing wrong in yelling. Same with name calling. I heard so many insults, I am surprised my 7 year old cousin isn't chanting them. It was disorganized, not to mention we were in a small apartment (my grandfathers) so the loud talk was unnecessary. I felt like a stranger that got thrown into it, and surprised to them this is normal. To them it's normal calling names and yelling be it in a public space or home. To them treating a child by calling them retarded and stupid, is normal.

To them if they laugh after a joke, makes it funny even if is hurtful. It's surprising because my uncles are 90% all divorced, because their wifes couldn't handle this behavior, they just couldn't sit around and hear the yelling and having them ignore the kids, but they painted a picture of them as the devil. I actually would applaud them, for holding on for so long. I have never ever been in a meal with that side of family without a quiet moment. When I was 10 I asked my dad for Christmas a nice quiet and friendly family dinner, and he laughed saying "not with this family". When I was 15 I said same, and he sighed "if you marry, pick a man with a nice family - and you may get one". We used to visit one of my dad's brothers for dinner on holidays, before he lived abroad, and it was nice - elegant even.

I have tried leading by example. I have tried telling them not to do things this way. But they are firm believers this is normal behavior, and they're all okay with it. I guess because my dad was always against this type of behavior and gave me fun etiquette lessons since I was a kid, I grew up uncomfortable around it. To be honest, when I was 8, he bought me an etiquette book for kids and I was so happy I took it everywhere, and read it to everyone - but my relatives, didn't bother, actually criticized me for trying to apply it in day-to-day. And because I grew up uncomfortable, and I got pushed into it with no exit, and was forced to be around it, it may have caused these issues. But truth be told, I'd rather struggle with a possible trauma (complex trauma I guess? i don't know, just "trauma" seems wrong) than be like them. I don't want to be like them. If I ever marry or better said when I build my family or whatever, I will do my best to against this trend. I want a nice elegant dinner, with matching plates, clean glass cups, the cutely in right order, nice background music or just the news, calmly asking people to eat, serving dessert with a smile and not throwing it into the table saying "eat quick, I want to wash it". It's a goal. Wow this is .. eye-opening? I feel at peace, usually when I end these posts I feel about to have an anxiety attack but now I feel .. at peace

IT HAS BEEN GREAT DAYS (actually I've had quite good days, no lie)

@givemecoffee

Sorry! My app crashed.

I'm so glad to hear you've had good days.

Your dad is right. You can choose your in laws. I'm so grateful to have in laws who care about me. I do enjoy meals with them.

As for your family, you've recognized the toxic behavior so you will be able to avoid it. Your story reminds me of Charles Dickens' book, "Nicholas Nickleby". It was based on a true story and is about a young man who finds himself stuck with a horrible family because of a job his horrible uncle found for him.

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

@Hoping4Harmony Yeah, if anyone even loves me enough for me to meet their family or know them for more than months. Thank you! My good days are good, one bad day in therapy can do that, but oh well - hopefully they'll return

@givemecoffee

After a certain point in a romantic relationship meeting the family will happen. Sometimes people do have reasons that they don't want you to meet them for a while - they may have their own problems that they don't want to delve into yet. It can be a make it or break it moment.

I can relate to having to "mother" my mom. My mother was very ill at times throughout my childhood and I had to take care of her, my younger sister, and cooking and cleaning. I knew it wasn't normal at the time and that my friends were just being kids and I wasn't.

I can also relate to horrible shopping experiences and masking what I felt to other people.

With your mother, one thing that may help you is if you try to understand what her motivations are. People do things not because of us but because of something happening inside of them. If you can find a way to understand her, then maybe it will be easier for you to deal with her. It won't change what she does but understanding her motivation can help you better act instead of react.

Also once you understand her motivation, it can be easier to forgive her. Expressing pain is good, but if we don't find a way to forgive then we become bitter, which only hurts us.

@Hoping4Harmony It's a bit hard to believe people can love me when in fact, no one has - I know "oh but you're only in your mid 20's you have plenty time".. well usually those that say that, are the ones that found their love in the early-mid20's not the ones that didn't. Pushing that aside, my mother is a weird concept. It's like she is stuck at being a daughter and forget to be a mother, you have to put being a daughter at a second plan. But instead she put me and my dad always in third or fourth plan, her "family" (we're not her family, in a nutshell) is first plan, her friends and coworkers is second plan and sometimes even TV is third plan and then comes us. I mean I can understand some of her actions as "not knowing better" which is okay, no one is perfect nor do I expect her to be - but her attitude of "this is okay and you need to be okay with is because I am okay with it" is not good nor healthy..

What hurts most is I grew up trying to help her, I saw how much she struggled with physical health and even emotionally. I felt that if I made her lose her anxieties and fears and stress, she would be my "mom" - so I was letting her vent, helping her calm down from anxiety attacks, even reminding her to eat, when I couldn't even do those things to me. Like if she came in house and I was studying, but she seemed stressed, I would let her share her stress and afterwards I wouldn't be able to study, because all my body was tense and my mind going crazy. Because it's pretty much: someone upsets my uncle/aunt, so they rant to my grandfather, my grandfather rants to my mother about them and she rants to me - but I had no one to rant to, so yeah.. long reply sorry but yeah oops should go to bed before rant myself into a down mood (I am in a good mood again, for now at least)

@givemecoffee

It's awful when a parent is toxic and expects a child to parent them. Sometimes when people experience trauma, they get stuck not maturing past that point. Maybe that's what happened with your mom. It's an explanation, a theory, but it doesn't make it better.

Sometimes relationships happen when you least expect them. That happened for me, so I hope it happens for you.

When you move out things will probably be better. If that's not a possibility right now, hopefully it's something you can work toward.

Long time no updates, which sounds like a positive thing. Truth be told, a week ago I did have a complete breakdown and I think could've been because being around my mother for so long brought me to emotional exhaustion. It was my dad's first day home from work, when I completely exploded for no reason - and we ended up going for a ride in afternoon, without her. He wanted to buy a car, and truth be told, our worst nightmare when we have to go buy something, is going with her. She picks first thing she sees, and will say out loud "why don't you buy this? you already looked at it, get it over with" when the sales people are around, which if you ever bought something like a car - it's not the ideal scenario if you want to make a good pick. So for somedays, I have just left with my dad and we went to some stands on our own. Really relaxing. It's nice to have a "partner in stress".

Also, something that helped me handle these days better (so far) was my distractions. I've been doing some art daily, also working on some projects with my dad to build some organizational things to store my art supplies, which already makes us have a few hours busy. And doing some DBT exercises here and there - and now that I remember, I had planned to do one today but then got the numbness and oh well! Also, because we already have the car, my dad's planning for us three to go on a pic-nic in nature, which sounds like a nice day even if I know my mother will probably cause us stress since she doesn't like to be in one place and is picky, while we prefer to go explore. I'll charge our camera to take pictures and finally put my mountain boots to use!!

The worst days so far were caused by things outside the situation with family, such as therapy anxiety (long story short, I almost quit therapy) and problems with my studying situation - but those two are either fixed or on the way to be fixed. I can't say I'm really okay, I'd say I'm closer to a complete breakdown or fall into deep depression again. I was really struggling today and only felt better now.

What helped me feel better? Well, when numbness is the culprit like today, I know I can't rush it. Numbness it's one of the emotional states I get that I can't help make better nor make worse, I can just hope it goes away. So I took a nap or tried, instead spent an hour or two, who knows, looking at the ceiling and then got up and watched one of my favorite movies "Coraline". Now will do some art, and while I know won't study a thing today because it's already night-time, hopefully tomorrow I will.

It was a bad day. I've had many bad days, bad weeks, bad months. But yet, I have survived all of them. Something I never believed was when people called me "strong". I thought they were lying, because I am the type of person to completely broke down in tears and stops trying. Or at least while I'm crying and yelling and completely overwhelmed. But truth is, if something breaks me down, I can be crying like a daisy and even having an anxiety attack, while still trying to find a solution. Looking back, what my therapist said is true, I am doing as much as possible with very little, and not many would've done it. Also, something she told me earlier this week was:

"You're your own support. You have none. Your parents aren't supportive in a way you need, you don't have friend right now - you are replacing your parents and you are replacing friends, by being your own support. That's difficult to do! But you are doing"

I hadn't looked at it that way, truth be told. I hadn't. I would've never seen things from that perspective. But.. sounds accurate.

(I put bold certain things to help me when I read these after, I sometimes have trouble reading whole texts so there it is lol)