Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels

I found myself today, while having a shower and getting ready (which seems to be times I talk to myself most?), talking to myself about my situation with my mother. Before I knew it, I was silently yelling almost a letter of sorts, of all things I'd like to tell her - almost as if she was there. When I looked at the white tiles on bathroom, and realize was actually in a bathroom and alone.. felt confused. It's hard to explain, at a point I felt I was in therapy session with my mother beside me, if makes sense? But I know that won't happen. Moving on..

I have been starting a new plan. What made me do it? My mental health was down in dumps, I was having breakdowns and self-harm urges left and right, keeping a relapse or another slip-up away was becoming impossible. Of course, this isn't all related to trauma but in a way could be. I've come to realize EVERYHING in how I react is connected in someway to my childhood and how people treated me there. Moving on..

My plan consists in keeping track of my mental health and health overall. I made mood trackers, physical health trackers and urges trackers - for when get urges to self-harm, disordered eating and abuse medication (although I haven't done that since 2013 and was a 'short-term' thing, compared to the first two, urges have came recently). I also started using an app to keep track of moods and relapses, and using a binder because I'm old-school, for any helpful sheets. Right now have some distraction plans and self-soothing activities list that I found mentioned in a DBT workbook I got.

Also have a grounding techniques page, some to fill when get panic attacks, and some others that if I find I print out, and put there. I might actually make some into PDF so I can keep in my phone for easy access, but since I'm usually 'always' home, I'd rather keep a physical binder.

How it's going so far? Okay. I tend to forget to update it until later in day, which is okay - I still update it all I can. My mood has been more stable lately, less 'upset' about random things. Main thing is, on tuesdays (which is the day my mother is home from work) I'm starting to fear. For the past months, she had been visiting my uncle on hospital for big part of day. Now he got released, so she has nothing to do so stays home. I was hoping this week's therapy appointment would fall on a tuesday since I asked my therapist to do that when possible, but apparently she couldn't because I have on wednesday instead.

I'm afraid. Mostly because I keep remembering of the times, I used to get so upset, I'd sleep all day or if forced myself to stay awake, I'd end up binge-eating all day. Because of stress. When she asks what I want for lunch, it's as if I have to contain all my anger to not blow up. I don't know exactly why - if it's because she is cooking, because she is talking to me, because she came into my space or something else. I can't figure out. All I know is, it's the worst kind of anger. I feel my chest constrict, automatically clench my fists so bad nails sink into skin and can only muster short answers. And when she goes away, it's as if my body is shaking and recovering after imploding. I don't usually get this on other situations. Go figure why.

My mother will have her holidays in a week. I'll have to spend at least 2 of those weeks alone with her, though I am lucky for the other 2 my dad will be home. I just hope she will go for most of week days to my grandfathers like she always did, and keep being the not-around mother like she always was. I can't imagine being 5 days a week with her from morning till night, and not anyone else at home. I think I might go crazy - and I mean it. At least one of those she will be morning and part of afternoon at my grandfather. On weekends I have my dad to help me not deal with her.

When I remembered today she was having her holidays, my initial thought was: "that's it, so much work into managing my mental health and now one of my triggers is going to be all day with me". My second thought was: "how will I manage studying if my parents when both home want to go places? I guess I'll have to prepare for less time" and my third thought was: "oh dang it, I will probably be forced to visit my mother's family on sunday's" - I did ask my dad that, and he sighed and said "I hope not!"

It's good that my dad hates her family, at least I know it's not my imagination, but that they are honestly BAD people. Which is why I hate Christmas, because need to be around them. I'll get into that Christmas-hate on another time, because truth be told, I think it is an amazing time of year and I love the decorations and songs, but the fact of being around family is what makes December a really difficult month for me. So it's a love-hate relationship, unlike my birthday which is a hate and want-to-love relatonship.

You're valid and you're listened to and heard. Anything that is traumatizing is trauma. And what your describing is trauma as your obviously bothered by it and having negative impacts and effects from what happened. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. You're not alone. I have really bad PTSD and I also can't stand certsin smells or honestly many things trigger me. Support to you.

I feel like a brat complaining about my mother and her 'shopping habits' but it's upseting. It's painful to be 6-9 years old and see your mother prefer seeing baby clothes when there isn't one single baby in the family to buy clothes for, and you need clothes and a female opinion. It's painful to see my dad go look for her and tell her, trying not to make a scene "come see clothes for your daughter, help us make a pick" and she saying "I have to leave, the lights are causing me migraines, i'll be outside". It's painful to not be able to buy things at my own pace, because I like only buying things I need and best quality/price ratio - because she will try to make me buy first thing so we leave the store, and make me guilty by saying "I'm tired" and "oh we should go here or there". It's painful because I end up losing time I could be using to study, and didn't even buy what I needed.

It's frustrating how I try to make her buy clothes for herself, and she says no and makes a scene. But if I even look at one piece of clothing, she will say loud (enough for the sales people to hear) "Oh you want it? I can buy it for you" - and me having to tell her, I looked at it but I don't want it. But she keeps pushing it even though 1. me and my dad are trying to prevent her from spending too much money and 2. I don't like it!!! It's frustrating because she does it with everything and doesn't understand how shopping works for me, not wants to understand. It's frustrating because she assumes knows what I like, then buys it even after I tell her I don't like it, then makes me feel guilty when I tell her I don't like it, because "kids aren't supposed to tell their parents no" - that's why she won't accept I tell her constructive criticism, because she feels a good daughter should just smile and wave and let their parents ruin their lives, because they're the parents.

No! If I see my parents doing a mistake, I will point it out. As much as possible. Actually, my dad is opposite, he feels it's the kid's job to tell their parents when they're doing something wrong, same as it's parents' job to say same to the kids. And I do. And he doesn't mind, most times - and he's pretty stubborn. So why can't she???

These might seem little things to many people, and probably it is little things, meaningless. But hurts after some time. Hurts that she will say "I'll go shopping with you" and before I notice she's outside the door, finding some friend or family member and saying how "my daughter's inside and I'm here". Or my dad and I go with my mother to buy some house appliances, and she leaves after 10 seconds out the shop, so we have to look for her and then leave empty handed before she starts gossiping with people and make them hate us more - it's usually he that says we should go, and upset. Or us going grocery shopping and she disappear 10 times during the whole time, without saying a word. Half the time we find she's outside when we're paying, the other half she comes to us with multiple things to put on the cart. We stopped going with her, because we lost double time looking for her.

When I was 4 years old I used to walk around the supermarket alone, my dad used to tell me to go grab some rice or something else and I would go and find them, all times. I knew the place like palm of my hand and yes, 4 years old (it's a small town, before anyone says 'danger'). So if I, when was 4 years old, could tell my parents "I'll go xyz isle" or go and find them, in any way.. why shouldn't an adult do same? I thought adults should be mature. But then again.. everyone says how weird of a child I was. So.. Yeah. I'll stop here, before I rant more, I gotta go study.

I know, another post today, but this is for me to remember to check in a couple days, for therapy session. I had read weeks or couple months ago, about the "dysfunctional family" and how each member or children can take a role, and now I remembered it, and decided to take some notes.

I notice my mother's family has had those roles. My mother could be the "caretaker" role but in truth, she was the 'poor one' who was looked after with care by her parents, and taken by the hand, while all others got ignored, because of health problems. While many people put her down, she always had the love of her parents and can't understand why any of her siblings would say got hurt by my grandparents - she has gone in arguments over it with my aunt. My aunt is pretty much the best example of scapegoat you can find. Then there's an uncle that's also best example of Hero child. Etc

And me? I can guarantee you, I fit the lost child role like a glove. And it's terrible, it made me cry the first time I read it because, I could never find a more perfect description of how my childhood was. The nice "lost child" describes me well, pretty much. Funny things my parents sometimes bring up as jokes, specially my dad - which are true.

- During a regular check-up when I was a baby, one nurse said had never seen a baby with such a loud cry. I didn't cry much, when I did, I could make everyone know about it. That's pretty much an allegory to me as a child, I never complained, but when I did, it was a complete breakdown with tears, panic and shaking.

- My older cousin always had the attention and we were sometimes called "the two sisters". You know how they say the youngest gets all attention? Half the times we were playing together, she'd storm out crying telling everyone how I was mean to her and I wouldn't let her play. My dad used to stay and watch us play, she used to force me to be the "ugly witch" or the "stupid sister" or other characters in play pretend, and I did without complaining. When I tried to say "can we both be princesses/smart sisters/etc" she'd cry and yell until someone came, and make them tell me to "behave". My dad, on times he observed, said I would just sit in my corner, and keep playing while she was crying out and everyone was calming her down and telling me to "play nice". Mind you, in those situations she was 7 and I was 5. Or she was 9 and I was 7. If she told me "no, we're not doing your way, it's my way, always my way" I'd shut up, agree and do my thing quietly. I see my cousins play all the time, they're similar age and as "close" as my and my older cousin were, and if one tells the other "we'll do it my way", both sides argue until someone helps them decide. I rarely see a child do like me, shut up and sit quietly.

I do see one. My sister-cousin. I love her, shes' really caring and adorable. 3 months until I spend 2 weeks with her. Can 100% say it's only thing making Christmas and being around family tolerable for me.

(mental note: mention family roles in therapy session, I think that could help me explore some things)

I have lost track of how many times I've told myself (and in therapy): how can I feel so bad from my childhood, my family CAN'T be that bad, everyone says all families are the same and have issues, some families might have bigger issues than mine.

Well.. let's just say I opened my eyes this weekend, on lunch with some relatives. It's not like I can't say I haven't felt like they have many issues before, but what I saw today was with new eyes. Maybe because I haven't been with them like this in quite a while. Probably since June or earlier.

First, there weren't many around, with me included we were 8 if we count the kid (my cousin). The shouting started with calling everyone to the table, even though we were on couch 2 steps away from them, we got yelled at to go to table, instead of calmly told to "come and eat". My mother was the one yelling, because my and my dad were sitting on couch, 'afraid' to go. The yelling continued with serving food. For them, "yelling" is normal, there's nothing wrong in yelling. Same with name calling. I heard so many insults, I am surprised my 7 year old cousin isn't chanting them. It was disorganized, not to mention we were in a small apartment (my grandfathers) so the loud talk was unnecessary. I felt like a stranger that got thrown into it, and surprised to them this is normal. To them it's normal calling names and yelling be it in a public space or home. To them treating a child by calling them retarded and stupid, is normal.

To them if they laugh after a joke, makes it funny even if is hurtful. It's surprising because my uncles are 90% all divorced, because their wifes couldn't handle this behavior, they just couldn't sit around and hear the yelling and having them ignore the kids, but they painted a picture of them as the devil. I actually would applaud them, for holding on for so long. I have never ever been in a meal with that side of family without a quiet moment. When I was 10 I asked my dad for Christmas a nice quiet and friendly family dinner, and he laughed saying "not with this family". When I was 15 I said same, and he sighed "if you marry, pick a man with a nice family - and you may get one". We used to visit one of my dad's brothers for dinner on holidays, before he lived abroad, and it was nice - elegant even.

I have tried leading by example. I have tried telling them not to do things this way. But they are firm believers this is normal behavior, and they're all okay with it. I guess because my dad was always against this type of behavior and gave me fun etiquette lessons since I was a kid, I grew up uncomfortable around it. To be honest, when I was 8, he bought me an etiquette book for kids and I was so happy I took it everywhere, and read it to everyone - but my relatives, didn't bother, actually criticized me for trying to apply it in day-to-day. And because I grew up uncomfortable, and I got pushed into it with no exit, and was forced to be around it, it may have caused these issues. But truth be told, I'd rather struggle with a possible trauma (complex trauma I guess? i don't know, just "trauma" seems wrong) than be like them. I don't want to be like them. If I ever marry or better said when I build my family or whatever, I will do my best to against this trend. I want a nice elegant dinner, with matching plates, clean glass cups, the cutely in right order, nice background music or just the news, calmly asking people to eat, serving dessert with a smile and not throwing it into the table saying "eat quick, I want to wash it". It's a goal. Wow this is .. eye-opening? I feel at peace, usually when I end these posts I feel about to have an anxiety attack but now I feel .. at peace

IT HAS BEEN GREAT DAYS (actually I've had quite good days, no lie)

Sorry! My app crashed.

I'm so glad to hear you've had good days.

Your dad is right. You can choose your in laws. I'm so grateful to have in laws who care about me. I do enjoy meals with them.

As for your family, you've recognized the toxic behavior so you will be able to avoid it. Your story reminds me of Charles Dickens' book, "Nicholas Nickleby". It was based on a true story and is about a young man who finds himself stuck with a horrible family because of a job his horrible uncle found for him.

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Long time no updates, which sounds like a positive thing. Truth be told, a week ago I did have a complete breakdown and I think could've been because being around my mother for so long brought me to emotional exhaustion. It was my dad's first day home from work, when I completely exploded for no reason - and we ended up going for a ride in afternoon, without her. He wanted to buy a car, and truth be told, our worst nightmare when we have to go buy something, is going with her. She picks first thing she sees, and will say out loud "why don't you buy this? you already looked at it, get it over with" when the sales people are around, which if you ever bought something like a car - it's not the ideal scenario if you want to make a good pick. So for somedays, I have just left with my dad and we went to some stands on our own. Really relaxing. It's nice to have a "partner in stress".

Also, something that helped me handle these days better (so far) was my distractions. I've been doing some art daily, also working on some projects with my dad to build some organizational things to store my art supplies, which already makes us have a few hours busy. And doing some DBT exercises here and there - and now that I remember, I had planned to do one today but then got the numbness and oh well! Also, because we already have the car, my dad's planning for us three to go on a pic-nic in nature, which sounds like a nice day even if I know my mother will probably cause us stress since she doesn't like to be in one place and is picky, while we prefer to go explore. I'll charge our camera to take pictures and finally put my mountain boots to use!!

The worst days so far were caused by things outside the situation with family, such as therapy anxiety (long story short, I almost quit therapy) and problems with my studying situation - but those two are either fixed or on the way to be fixed. I can't say I'm really okay, I'd say I'm closer to a complete breakdown or fall into deep depression again. I was really struggling today and only felt better now.

What helped me feel better? Well, when numbness is the culprit like today, I know I can't rush it. Numbness it's one of the emotional states I get that I can't help make better nor make worse, I can just hope it goes away. So I took a nap or tried, instead spent an hour or two, who knows, looking at the ceiling and then got up and watched one of my favorite movies "Coraline". Now will do some art, and while I know won't study a thing today because it's already night-time, hopefully tomorrow I will.

It was a bad day. I've had many bad days, bad weeks, bad months. But yet, I have survived all of them. Something I never believed was when people called me "strong". I thought they were lying, because I am the type of person to completely broke down in tears and stops trying. Or at least while I'm crying and yelling and completely overwhelmed. But truth is, if something breaks me down, I can be crying like a daisy and even having an anxiety attack, while still trying to find a solution. Looking back, what my therapist said is true, I am doing as much as possible with very little, and not many would've done it. Also, something she told me earlier this week was:

"You're your own support. You have none. Your parents aren't supportive in a way you need, you don't have friend right now - you are replacing your parents and you are replacing friends, by being your own support. That's difficult to do! But you are doing"

I hadn't looked at it that way, truth be told. I hadn't. I would've never seen things from that perspective. But.. sounds accurate.

(I put bold certain things to help me when I read these after, I sometimes have trouble reading whole texts so there it is lol)

I feel strange when I feel okay talking to my mother. Yesterday had a good morning, I mean I went on my own to solve a situation that involved talking to someone I never talked to before, and it went good - I didn't panic, it got handled and I didn't give up. So after that, I had to wait with my mother for half hour, until my dad came to meet us and I was okay. Truth be told, I couldn't stay quiet. Being silent with her, feels more awkward. I don't know, it was as if I felt I was lying on everything above, but how could I be lying if felt real?

I actually went on a long rant about something that happened on wednesday, and deleted it twice - not sure why, but I don't feel is necessary to rant.. Maybe because it sounds more like family issues rather than trauma-related. Actually, I don't know if I can pin point where the differences lay.

I am a bit on the edge, but not much. Tomorrow have to be with my grandfather and only reason is because we're going to a party afterwards, so to save time, me and my dad will have to face our worst ngihtmare (aka lunch with my mom's family) to get the reward. The reward will be being with the best side of the family, they're really kind and they actually make me feel seen. Although, they would never believe all the crap my mom's family has done, because they feel they are good people - they are okay. They never made hurtful jokes nor criticized me just to put me down, of course I don't connect that well with them because the people closer to my age are either 14 or 35 - and I'm in mid 20's. Can't expect much.

Birthdays are triggering to me. And it's a birthday party. Last time went to a birthday party was there, and I ended up feeling pretty anxious - I was having flashbacks all night, which was a weird feeling, because I was in that state where not only were the memories popping in my mind, but I felt stuck in past. And it was near my birthday, which is also a triggering time of year. Not sure if I have ever mentioned why I hate my birthday. I think I'll just say it, since I think I may go through those emotions tomorrow:

Umm it's quite hard saying it because I can't explain it in short words and always fear people see me as overreacting. In short.. I never got my spotlight. Not even as a kid. When I turned 16, I broke down crying in front of my parents saying "no one ever made me feel special, it was never my day, it was always someone elses" and my mother's response was "that's a lie! we even made you parties, when I was your age, I didn't even get a gift, you should be grateful"

The parties she refered to were family dinners. Dinners she would force us to have, and invite only family - even if I asked for a friend, the reply was always "we don't have a big house, family comes first". Adults would eat in the big dining table in living room, with music and/or tv loud. I'd get physically pushed into the kitchen, to eat with my cousins all younger than me. I'd have to help them eat, and if I opened the door to try and interact with the conversation, some uncle would get up and close the door because "the day isn't about the kids". Mind you, this happened every year until I was 13 and pretty much demanded and refused to eat in the kitchen.

No one ever realized where I was. If something made me upset such as family ignoring me and appluading my cousins instead of me (when we were doing the same thing), I'd go in my room and cry. It could take hours until someone noticed I was there, and was usually to call everyone for dinner, and not because they were looking for me. People called me "cry baby" because I literally spent all my birthdays crying. They called me "selfish" as well, for demanding a day about me.

When you're a child, when you're 8, 9, 10 years old and always told to look after others, it hurts. It comes a day where it's just too much. I had many of those days, but no one cared. No one ever thought to say "oh look, she is always being a listener to her mother problems since she's 6, and baby-sitting her cousins almost weekly since she's 9, she maybe could use some time to rest". NO! Even at my own birthday, people would drop their babies on my lap and say "deal with it", or go in my room and touch my stuff, and tell me to "share, not be a spoiled child". Even if it meant turning my room upside down, punching my things, breaking them and then saying "oh but don't be spoiled, you can share". YES, I can share if you take good care of them. Punching a keyboard won't make it play the music louder, on the contrary. -breathe in-

I am going to end it here, because honestly, I have spent a good time starring at this page and I have stuff to do. I want to paint my nails for tomorrow, and also draw and plan my week. Planning makes me relax, same with drawing. I need that. I need relaxation. This nervous feeling won't leave. Sorry. I ranted.

I don't believe my mother's "illness" speech, anymore. I realized today, I get cold when she starts coming near us saying she is almost dying because of a pain, when happens to be because she ate bad food or forgot to eat, or because she slept too much and is dizzy. It probably has something to do with how she used to it when I was a kid and teen, crying wolf and saying she was almost dying. She would literally cry and look up the ceiling saying "mother, am I seeing you today" mentioning my grandma that died when I was 8. While I kept reminding her if she ate lunch she wouldn't have had a blood pressure drop and feel sick. I mean I was a teen when everytime me or my dad told her "can you please do this instead of that, so it ends better" in the kindest of ways so she wouldn't freak out at us and ignore us - she'd start yelling and put her hand on her chest saying "the doctor told me stress can kill me, oh my, you both want me to die" and having an anxiety attack, so we'd have to calm her down. A person eventually gets tired of it, after 10 years of same thing every few days.

But not only that. I tend to be suspicious of people crying wolf about illness. Not everyone, but certain people - so I automatically assume anyone going to everyone saying "I'm ill i'm ill i'm ill" is faking. May have to do with how, when I was 11, my best friend at the time came to the school telling everyone how she had cancer and 2 weeks to live. She first told me and then a couple more people. I came home and cried that evening. My mom's best friend had just died from cancer (or so I thought - was suicide, I found out years ago) and was still recoverying from my grandma's and teacher's death from 3 years ago, and she knew very well because we had been classmates since pre-school. Couple days later I found her grandmother at school and asked her "is true X is dying in 2 weeks? I'm so terrified for her, what can I do?". "She is not dying, she just went from regular blood tests and they're alright".

I spent days crying. Nights barely sleeping, afraid for her. Planning my life without my best best friend, reading any book I could find on what can help people with cancer (not many). Maybe I overreacted as a kid, but after my grandma died, I got told people's heart could explode at any moment, and feared sleep for years. Only recently stopped having panic attacks when found myself sleeping, afraid I wouldn't wake up. So for me, at 11 years old, to be told the person I was closest to was dying. It shocked me. So I became suspicious after it. Doesn't help I always read a lot about science and health, so I pick up on people's lies really easily. Especially family members. Especially my mother. Though I'll treat them as if they're telling the truth, helping them slightly - I will remain cold, when naturally I'm a really empathetic person and wanting to help, to those people and situations, I'll keep my distance and emotions shut.

Maybe I am a bad person. Meh. I'm having chest pains now, so I can't really bother to care.