Diary *Possible TW*
I thought about starting a diary place to share and reflect on my feelings. I am trying to navigate through schizophrenia and ptsd and trying to not let it define me. I hope writing about it is productive for me. Any replies are welcome!!
My dad's therapist suggested to my dad to do a family therapy session with my dad, my mom and me. My dad asked my mom but my mom said no. Me and my dad had the therapy session together. I didn't want to go because my dad's therapist is a male and that is scary. But I had to because i didn't want to say no. I've started to feel like a huge burden on everyone and my dad and the healthcare system. I tried saying something in therapy but it didn't happen. I just felt really scared of my dad's therapist. I saw so many golden lines on his face and my dad's face. I can't look again at the golden lines. It hurts my head
Something bad will happen. I know just know it because I saw them. But I don't know how. I can't live like that not knowing. But it's happening. I don't know. Please I want it to stop
I'm worried something not good can happen because I saw them. I want everyone to be safe. Can everyone be safe?
@hillsideblues Hey you :) can I ask who them is? You don't have to answer of course - there's never any pressure to answer ok?
But we're all safe ok? You're safe - your dad's safe. Me and Wise are safe too. I know that it can be hard to believe that we are sometimes - sometimes it helps to say it out loud. Maybe you can do try what Wise said about a fort or sometimes just wrapping a blanket around us feels nice too - like we're safely cocooned - like little butterflies
*much love to you Hill* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul They are the shadow figures and people who have implanted a chip in my brain. I'm sorry because I don't know if anything I'm saying is from my own mind or if it is from the chip in my brain and the people controlling the chip saying it. I think scented candles makes me feel peaceful. I try blankets. I hope you're ok and safe? No one should come and get anyone from their homes because it's too dangerous
Alot of love to you too if that is ok ❤️
@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm sitting with you if that's ok ❤️
@hillsideblues Hey you :) You've been in my thoughts lately so I thought I'd pop in and leave a hug and some good vibes ❤️
I got a cold and really bad throat pain. Maybe because the weather is changing here. I'm just worried about everyone and worried everytime because of the danger. I wish there wasn't this confusion I feel. I want peaceful thoughts and not everyday this. I keep forgetting sometimes that I'm pregnant. But then I really don't understand
Why would this happen? How much does it take for every thing to be safe? When people come at night to your room to get you. When my mom's boyfriend kept bringing bad men to me. It wasn't safe! They will come and get you one by one every day. It's too dangerous outside! Bad men my mom's boyfriend brought to me. Nothing can be done. It will not stop
@hillsideblues I think
Maybe not now because very hard to focus and keep getting distracted
My dad said maybe we can go out. By going out I mean going out to someplace else other than to my therapist or the hospital. I've not gone out since maybe 2-3 years. I don't want to go out because there are too many people outside and too much noise and too many colors. It makes me feel very upset and I feel like I don't know what to do and I don't know how to make it all stop, I just like it better inside home
I didn't go outside. I don't like it
My dad had been talking to a lawyer to report the medical facility group home I was living in. Report for malpractice and negligence. The lawyer thinks we can get money from the group home in compensation and for medical expenses. I have to talk about it happened. And I don't want to. I wish all of this could disappear. I wish my dad could stop seeing the lawyer and getting me to talk about it and I wish the facility could just disappear out of my life. I don't want to be a part of this because it makes me feel really bad. Don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to be a part of it. I want it to disappear. But it is not going anywhere. And now my mom wants to talk to me. How can my mom just decide when to walk out of my life and went to come back in again like nothing happened. It confuses me. It makes me feel like a joke. My mom wants some of the compensation money from the facility. She said that its her right because what happened made her worry and she spend her time on me. But I know it didn't make my mom worry. She never even really talked to my before this. She was busy in her own world until now. I don't feel like seeing her. It makes me remember bad things she did and makes me feel really bad. I don't want this to happen
I don't want to see my mom. She always beat me on little things when I was a child and called me bad words. She didn't talk to me for a year when I was in the facility. She never visited me. She didn't talk to me when I came back home. I texted her sometimes but she wouldn't reply. But now it feels suddenly she wants to talk and see me. She said that she is very disappointed in me that I didn't come to meet her and talk to her. It makes me feel very guilty. I don't want this to happen and I want it to disappear. I feel scared that there is a chip inside my head and now this is making me more bad. I wish it could disappear
@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm not sure how to start this tbh. So I'm just going to go for it but some of what I say might sound ki d of harsh - I'm sorry for that. These are just my opinions ok?
You asked how she can walk out and then come back in. Money. I hate to say that but I do think that's the motivation for her. She was staying with your father because she was having some money troubles before - she didn't have a place to stay - right? She doesn't deserve anything that you have ok? Your an adult now Hill - you don't have to see her. You don't have to give her anything. Her saying she's disappointed because you didn't see her - is guilt tripping and manipulation. Those are like magic words and they make us feel so bad right? She has no rights in this Hill. I can't stress that enough. Try not to feel too bad for any choices concerning her because she doesn't deserve it. If You start to feel bad or guilty - just remember she didn't come and see you for a year. All the things she did - all the bad names - you never deserved any of that ❤️
I know you'd like for all this to disappear but you also have to think of your future and the future of the baby. The facility they sent you to was a fiasco I'm sorry to say that but they were supposed to keep you safe and they failed to do that. None of this is your fault - please say that out loud to yourself This is not your fault ❤️
I know it's hard right now. You have many many things coming at you and it's probably pretty overwhelming. If I could make this better for you I would in a heartbeat
I want you to know that no matter what decision you make in any of this - I stand with you and support you in anyway I can. You have my word on that ❤️
* sending you so much strength and love right now Hill* You're so brave - you can do this. I know you can *biggest of hugs* ❤
@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️
It is ok to say. I do believe my mom wants the compensation money from the facility because my mom said that. She said she needs the money to compensate for the time she has spend on me. I'm a burden. My mom was staying with my dad because she and her boyfriend split and she didn't have enough money or a house to go to. She was going to get back with my dad again but she found a place then and left again. My dad tells me all about his feelings and vents to me every time. I don't always have the right things to say. My mom sometimes does this. She makes it feel like everything is ok and I start trusting her and then she does hurtful things and leaves again. I never learn and took therapy to see this pattern. I forget sometimes about the baby. I've to think about them. You're really kind. Hard to accept it's not my fault. The facility made me feel very isolated. You're really kind. Always really kind and generous. Hugs for you ❤️❤️
@hillsideblues ❤️ You are not a burden. No matter what she says or thinks or does. She's wrong - so very very wrong to say she needs to be compensated for time she spent with you. That's not how it works or I guess I should say - that's not how it's supposed to work. What about your compensation for all the pain and harm she caused you?
It must be hard to listen to him vent sometimes. Do you feel obligated to listen? Or I guess the real question is - are you ok listening to him vent? You don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable. I know sometimes we might feel like we should have answers or some feed back to give people but maybe he just needs someone to listen? Would you be able to tell him if it makes you uncomfortable?
It's hard to not get hopeful. I guess maybe we want their approval - or maybe their acceptance. No - we want their love. So we ignore the things we've learned. We ignore those patterns because we just desperately want them to love us - to care about us ❤️
You have to think about yourself too ok? To be gentle with yourself. Make sure you eat and drink water and juices and make sure you get rest
I think in some ways the things that are supposed to help and make things better - can sometimes make things worse for us. Do you think that being there added to your not liking being outside? It can feel overwhelming - this big wide open space - the brightness and all the things to see and hear. Maybe you could try going out for a minute and slowly build up a tolerance each day? No pressure though ok? You have to do what is comfortable for you so you don't get stressed
I want to remind you too - that if my replies are too much or if I say something I shouldn't or if I upset you - please tell me ok? Sometimes I say things I probably shouldn't and I try to keep the words gentle but I think sometimes I don't do so good with it
Thank you for the hugs - sending some to you too ❤️
@mytwistedsoul I think it is with bear to everyone and worries about everyone in the world. Even though it is night now and then it'll be morning and then night again and this will keep happening like in a circle I saw connections
@hillsideblues *sits with you* Hey you :) I was just thinking about you. I worry the same thing sometimes tbh. I worry about all the people. Maybe you could tell the shadow people that I'll worry about them for a while for you - then maybe they won't give you more to worry about. Do you think that would be ok with them? Maybe it sounds silly too - I'm sorry if it does. I mean well Hill - I really truly do ❤️
May I ask what connections you saw in the circle? Those connections make you worry more yeah? The days do pass don't they? Night turns into day and then day back into night and time passes before we know it
*big hugs to you Hill* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul hugs to you too if that is ok. Thank you for the hugs ❤
I think so if everyone's careful than worries can be less. I see connections like everything making sense and all thoughts join with each other that how my mind is maybe getting controlled. I think I need to let the confusing thoughts pass by so they can be over
@hillsideblues A hug sounds nice :) Thank you ❤️
We'll all be extra careful then there will be even less to worry ok? Everything gets all jumbled up when the thoughts join together doesn't it? They get confusing. I hope they pass soon Hill
I'm sorry she came to visit. I know I've never met her but I hope you don't mind my saying that she sounds so mean. Forgive me for say this - but to h*ll with her ya know? You're a thousand times a better person then she could ever hope to be. You have to eat Hill - for yourself as well as for the baby. Your room is your room - your space - not her's. Your room is like your sanctuary - your safe space. Try not to think about the mean things she says - but - I know those things still hurt - I'm sorry
*peace and love to you* ❤️
What will happen to everyone in the world. I worry because of the signals and the shadow people told me. They made me see the futures which makes me worry more
@hillsideblues They are still there and would not go away. They keep on talking. It is never quite. I would love some peace and quite. I would love for them to go away. I took my prescribed medication but they still are not leaving me alone.
@yushuo how are you?
The voices here are really bad too and I'm seeing someone in my room. How are you? I think the corners
I wish it can be peace and quite for you. Hearing voices can really make it too much. Do you've things that you do that helps you with hearing voices? I used to talk back to them sometimes but now I just try starring really hard
My mom visited but I didnt want to see her. I feel like I was forced to see her and she didn't like anything I was doing. She didn't like how I had kept my room. She said that I've gotten really fat and when she was pregnant she was in a much better shape than me. I'm conscious about how I look and don't even eat much. I don't know how this happens then. I want to do better. But have been hearing alot of voices since then and seeing someone constantly in my room that lets me go out anywhere. Because worries what they'll do. I think the figure in my room made me see the future through the signals. I wish it could all stop. My mom doesn't like anything I do and she never will