Distortion 7. Comparison

Hi everyone! I hope you have been well. Another week, another post on cognitive distortion. I hope you have gotten the chance to read the previous posts. If not, you can do so here! 

I was thinking of what distortion to tackle next and then I came across one that I believe most human beings can benefit from. It is ‘Comparison’. So it should be noted that not all comparison is bad, nor can we classify them every time we compare something as bad. It is at some level required for us to make sense of things. For example, we compare the prices of different products before making a selection, we weigh out the pros and cons of selecting a certain school for a specific degree, all that is perfectly fine. It is even okay to compare our life situations with someone else to feel inspired! Your friend who failed half the classes last year is scoring As this year, how inspiring! Nothing wrong with feeling more motivated to do better on your grades. 

However, where it becomes an issue is when we fixate on other’s accomplishments and don’t give ourselves enough credit. So if you feel bad because your friend is improving more in grades than you are then its an issue. Or we pick out the setbacks of someone to feel better about our lack of effort. In both cases, comparing our situation with someone else when we don’t have all the facts or we have vastly different circumstances. 

Examples of ways in which comparison is not helpful with a potential reality in the brackets to help you reflect on what we miss when we make these comparisons. 

• My friend is so much happier than me. She can buy anything she likes. (Her parents are rich but the family never spends any real time together. She wishes she could have a family like yours)
• Stacey looks so much better than me. She just naturally likes healthy foods. I wish I was like that (Stacey struggles with an eating disorder and is not comfortable making that public)
• My neighbor bought a brand-new car, mine breaks down every other week. This just sucks (The neighbor is a retired 60-year-old person, and you are 30, and it is natural to not be able to afford the same) 

Comparison as a cognitive distortion is a tad bit tricky. It's a problem when it becomes recurrent and it starts to bother you. If you are consistently finding yourself living your life just trying to catch up to everyone else without real consideration for what you truly want, then you need to address it. Some reasons why we compare:

• We want to fit in. We think we won’t be accepted if we won’t look a certain way, have certain things. This could be true for certain groups of people. But that just means they are not a good fit for you. If you need to maintain a lifestyle beyond your means to fit in with a group of people, they are not your people!
• We feel insecure, we lack self-esteem so we look around ourselves hoping to feel better if we can have a better house or more popular friends then perhaps we are worthy? In reality, no materialistic thing or a social group can help you feel more secure/increase your self-esteem. That's a job for yourself. 
• Society insists we follow certain standards. Perhaps your mom comments on your weight which makes you want to look a certain way. Maybe your rich friends are more respected than you are and you crave that respect but society is not a reliable friend. The standards can change and the same things it pushed for can again become undesirable. 

So well what do we do about our need to have things simply because someone has them or be like someone else because they seem happier? We can work on our self esteem and sense of worth. Here are a few ways we can work on it:

• Starting and ending your day on a grateful note. Start your day thinking of what you have, not what you don’t and end it on the same note. 
• Consistently incorporate some way you can feel fulfilled or useful. Volunteering is typically a good way to go about it. You can volunteer at your local animal shelter, some local charity or even 7 Cups! But you need to do something you truly care for. 
• Make an attempt to reflect on what you are missing when you are idolizing a certain someone or something. Is it really something you want or does that help you feel a certain way you desire to feel? Do you want that better car because its reliable or because you like the way people treat your neighbor when he drives it. 
•  Realize that if you did not have what you have now, there is a good chance you would be jealous of yourself. 

So for this post we are gonna practice reframing a bit differently. Here is how we will tackle our need to compare. I encourage you to do this for a week!

1. Start your day by recalling 3 things you are grateful for. End the day with the same. This can be the same things every day or different, does not matter. Could be so small as a good cup of coffee or as big as a roof over your head. 

2. Every day do something for someone else. Even a smile counts. Listening to a member on 7 cups for a few minutes in a group room counts. Checking in on your stressed-out friend with genuine interest counts. 

3. When you find yourself longing for something someone else:

• Pause, and ask yourself if it has true value in your life? Do you really need the Gucci perfume your friend bought that you never thought of before this moment?
• If not then what are you really desiring?

4. Take a piece of paper, write down every good thing about yourself and truly take a moment to reflect on how many people would love to have these qualities, skills and even possessions. Then reflect on what it would be like if you woke up one day and did not have some of it? Perhaps you go from being great at writing to not know how to write or maybe you lose your ability to play your favorite sport. This negative visualization can bring into perspective the many things you take for granted. 

Further Resources:

Zero Sum thinking