Jaeteuk Member Profile

Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

Self-Esteem / by Jaeteuk

Sunday

...See more Self-esteem and self-confidence, I believe these two aspects go hand-in-hand. One affects the other in both ways, positively and negatively. Over the decade or so, I've realized that at least for myself, my self-esteem and self-confidence had constantly been hindered by my own mother. Almost everyday, she would complain to me of my flaws. Whether that be my life, my personality, my appearance, my diet, just everything. With my birthday in 10 days from now, I'll be in my late 30s. As much as blame myself (being an introvert) for not going out and about meeting people (or leaving my house at all), I think a large part of it is due to the comments my mother tells me nearly everyday. How much it impacts how I see myself, how I worry others will see me, and what others will think of me when all those flaws my mother mentioned about it me is discovered by the other person. She makes it sound like my future looks very gloomy, unsuccessful, and will be full of illnesses when I get older.. It's been making me very self-conscious, thinking that there's really something wrong with me, or that I don't deserve to be loved.. I've always been thinking, and is afraid, of what my future will be like if I am unable to meet a partner to spend the rest of my life with.. At this age, it seems impossible to meet anybody.. It makes it that much more difficult when I don't have any friends (so, it's not like I could meet others amongst friends' friends).. Sorry, I'm just going off topic now.. So, with this self-esteem and self-confidence working hand-in-hand.. it feels like my life is crumbling more than growing/developing.. and it's all because I've been influenced by the things my mother has been telling over the past decade or so.. I just don't know what to do anymore.

A Different Birthday

Depression Support / by Jaeteuk

January 13th

...See more So, I thought this year, my birthday would be a bit different.. Having met a new group of people when I joined a Grief Group Support last September.. I wanted to invite them to join me for a birthday dinner.. Long story short, it looks like I'll have to cancel it.. Got in trouble from the hosts saying that I have no right contacting the group on a personal level (the hosts have sent the group emails of reminders when we had no sessions, so, I got the email list there).. That because I sent out the emails without the member's permission, I've crossed the confidentiality boundaries.. they are now saying, even they can't use the email as a source to contact the members either.. Although the host says that I didn't do anything wrong, that I wouldn't have known that I wasn't allowed to do that.. But, the plan on inviting them, is now up in flames.. For once, I thought I could celebrate my birthday with people other than my own family.. (brother and parents).. The Grief Sessions itself has ended in mid-December, so the hosts have organized different gatherings for January - March, as the next session will start in April. There's an upcoming Karaoke night at one of the couple's homes.. then, the hosts rented the room (the same one in the church where we had the sessions) for a movie night.. Now, it looks like I won't be going to either.. The incident has made me feel like I broke the rules.. I was looking forward to attending the sessions again, when it starts in April.. Now, I'm not too sure anymore.. I started the sessions last September, as it was recommended from a close colleague, although she ended up not making it.. I went instead.. With the above incident though, I'm having second thoughts.. I talked to that colleague, asked if she'd be able to go.. I'm thinking now, I'll sign up for it, only if she can go as well.. Otherwise, it looks like I'm going to cut myself out.. The host did say that she hopes I don't feel bad for what I did, and that I could still join them in on those activities.. But really, my excitement of being able to celebrate my birthday with the group has been erased.. and I'm feeling depressed and saddened about it.. The movie night, is a couple of days before my birthday.. and since I already told my mum about it.. Now that I'm not going, I'll still need to leave the house (as I don't want to explain to them what had happened and why I changed my mind to not go anymore).. I'll just go and eat at my favourite restaurant.. the only thing is, I won't be able to eat for 2 hours.. So, I'll probably just end up going to walk around in a supermarket nearby, then, start to head home at 9pm. There was this one lady in the group, where she once told me that she'd like to go out for coffee with me one day.. I was also looking forward to that as well.. But, it seems, we aren't allowed to see each other outside of the group activities.. so long for that idea.. So now, with my birthday (in about 20 days), at the beginning of my birthday week.. I'm going to ask that close colleague, if she and her family could join me for dinner one night.. Both her and her husband were so supportive to me last July, when my Grandma passed.. They offered their home to me, letting me hang out with their puppy during the day, once a week.. There were times where I stayed all day.. Colleague worked at home, so there are times, when her son had summer activities, it'll just be the two of us and her puppy. I'd look after her puppy as she worked.. Then, when her husband gets off work, he usually comes home around 2pm, with lunch for us. The only thing is, I'm not sure if they'd be able to eat out on a weekday, when her son has school, and they both need to work.. From what they've told me in the past, during dinner.. especially during the weekdays, all three of them eat at different times.. It's only on the weekends, where they are able to sit down for dinner together. So, I'll just be trying my luck.. This colleague also asked me to help buy some some snacks from Japan (as my family and I went for vacation there the past December for 3 weeks).. So, I still have the box in the Duty-Free bag that I still need to give her.. I tried to drop it off at her place the beginning of this week, but she was too busy to retrieve it.. So, chances that she could celebrate with me is low.. But, I'll ask her anyways.. Otherwise, it'll just be with my family again.. I was so hyped for the possibility of spending my birthday with a new group of friends.. Now, it just makes me feel depressed and sad for how things turned out.. (We have a group chat, I've muted the notifications for a week). You know, I was feeling okay with my birthday before.. Having gone on vacation, able to drop by Hong Kong to visit my Grandma at her grave.. and attend my Uncle's funeral.. I felt so much better in the grieving journey, that I felt I'm finally moving forward.. But this incident, it has triggered my old thoughts that lingered and is attached to my birthday in the past years.. Now, things look even more gloomy than it was, with the incident and the group invitation in flames.. I was looking forward to seeing the group, telling them about my trip (vacation and the grave and the funeral).. but now.. it feels like I did something that put our trust at stake.. So, I don't know if I'll be able to face the group in the near future anymore.. But you know, to me.. it doesn't seem like I broke any rules.. Sending out invitations.. everyone in the group is able to see the email list.. We all have access to see those emails.. and could easily use it to send out emails to each other.. I just wanted to invite the group to my birthday dinner, and the best way to ask.. was through email because not all members are in the Group Chat.. So, although I mentioned in the Group Chat first, I thought sending an email out will help cover those who are not in the Chat too.. But apparently, I don't have a right to do that.. That it has to be approved by the hosts first.. and that activities need to be group-related.. not something personal, like Birthday celebrations.. Here, I thought I met a nice group of people, people who understood me (during the grief sessions).. and I could make new friends and keep in contact with them outside of group.. Now, it seems like it was all a dream.. I didn't make any new friends, at least none that I could keep even if I wanted to.. I'm all alone again.

Update On My Grieving Journey

Grief & Loss / by Jaeteuk

January 10th

...See more For those who have followed me when I first shared how I lost my Grandma at the end of July 2024, I'd like to say, when my family and I returned to our home country (in December) to attend the sudden passing of my Uncle, I was able to visit my Grandma at her grave. Although the visit was short (as one of my Aunts took us there), in the few minutes of silence, I've said my goodbyes. After returning home December 29th, I'd like to say, I'm feeling a lot more relieved and have seemed to finally moved forward onto the road of healing. This week, I went to see my GP. She believes that I am ready to return to work (I have been off since August 2024), but to return gradually. So, working 4 hour shifts, twice a week. I emailed my Manager the same day, after seeing my GP and I was told to contact Absence & Disability Management. As there's a specific process I need to go through, upon the request of Gradual Return to Work (GRTW). So today, I emailed that department, briefly giving them info on why I'm requesting a GRTW. Now, I'm just waiting for a reply (not sure how long it usually takes). But I'm thinking, to hopefully start working sometime in February. I still have a couple more appointments with my counsellor this month, so I'd like to finish those first. I'm also recovering from a cold I caught in Japan (our family was on vacation in December, when my relatives suddenly decided to hold a funeral for my Uncle. They weren't going to when he first passed away), so we ended up allocating 5 days of vacation and flew back to Hong Kong to attend the funeral. During the appointment with my GP, I updated her on my grieving progress. Telling her about the vacation, the sudden passing of my Uncle, how I visited Grandma at her grave, etc. My GP said that I have good insights to what has happened and that my thinking is logical. That she felt I'm ready to return to work, but since I told her my short-term memory is still horrible, that's why she suggested the GRTW. But, even if she didn't suggest it, I was still going to do that. Anyways, this is the update I wanted to share.

Another Sudden Passing

Grief & Loss / by Jaeteuk

December 3rd, 2024

...See more Yesterday, around 6pm our time, we got news from one of our Uncles in Hong Kong that our 3rd Uncle (the next older brother on my dad's side), suddenly was admitted to the Emergency with a stroke. Within 45 minutes, we were told the burst of the blood vessel was in his right brain, that they cannot operate on him. My 3rd Uncle is a survivor of an aggressive form of leukemia, it had been cleared by his oncologist that he was cancer-free. With the stroke, the doctors told his family that they need to prepare that he will be leaving soon. This morning, our time, 8:45am.. my Uncle told my dad 3rd Uncle has passed away.. Hong Kong time, December 3rd @ 12:45am.. Now, dad is looking at flights to return to attend the funeral.. they are looking of arriving a week before Christmas and stay at least 2-3 weeks.. My parents just returned from Grandma's funeral, as they stayed in HK for all of August.. Now with this sudden passing of 3rd Uncle, my parents have to make another trip back.. Flights are super expensive though.. I'm actually not feeling the grief from his passing compared to Grandma, as I've never been close to him or his family (my cousins). I just feel more relieved that he passed away from a stroke and not during the time he was suffering from cancer treatments.. I think I'm more worried for my Aunt, as she always have a positive energy that projects from her and she's always smiling and joking around.. this sudden death, it must be a huge blow to her.. My cousins, both are married, the eldest, she has a son that's like 10 years old already.. and the younger sibling, he's married for not even 2 years yet, no kids.. So, even if his passing was this sudden, I think he's relieved that at least his kids all have their own family now.. I'm lucky I'm not too close to him, or this second passing, after Grandma, would've been an additional hit to my grieving journey.. I'm just feeling a little sad, that's all.

Time to Resign?

Work & Career / by Jaeteuk

December 6th, 2024

...See more So, I haven't been working since August of this year, due to a loss of someone in my extended family. As I am grieving during this time, I've been seeing a counsellor, joined a Grief Group Support hosted in a Church, and checking in with my GP on a monthly basis. For those who have not been seeing my previous posts about work, here is a brief description: I work in a local hospital, in a position called OR Aide (Operating Room). I'm not a nurse, but my tasks revolve around nurses, anesthesiologists, surgeons and patients. I have been working as a Casual (meaning, I only have work when others on my team are on vacation) for the past 4 years. People on my team have also caused trouble for me, complaining of my work ethics. When I believe I'm already working beyond what is required. So, it makes me feel like they are just teasing/bullying me for fun. ~~~~~~~~~ During my time away from work, grieving, I have changed my views in life and I feel that a career change is needed. Also, because with the grief, it comes in waves, depending on if I encounter a trigger.. I had felt over the past month, my emotions had been on a bit of roller coaster ride and it will continue to be like this. Working at the Hospital, there are expectations, and in my current state, I honestly don't know when I will be ready to take on my job again. So, thoughts of resigning has been lingering. My brother and I started our own online business last summer, although with the grief, I haven't really done much with it. But, if I do plan to resign from the Hospital, I will be putting all my effort and time to make it succeed. Ever since the loss, my mind has been non-functional, with short-term memory losses, and not being about to think. As most days, it's just brain fog, or like it has shutdown. So, working at the Hospital with the tasks that is required from me, I may not work as productive and efficient. I will need to decide before the New Year.. as that is when I said I'll contact my Manager again.

My Grief Journey

Grief & Loss / by Jaeteuk

November 12th, 2024

...See more This will be a space for me to vent and share my grieving journey. For whoever comes across this thread, is free to comment. So, I have been off work since the first week of August, and have decided to take the remainder of the year off. I just don't want to be stressing about thinking of returning to work, as my Manager would ask me every month, if I'm ready to return the next month. Honestly now, thinking of returning to work, I still have a lot of anger lingering. So, I'm not in the best state to return to work without being angry, and returning to work will only build up more stress and pressure, as colleagues really have nothing nice to say to me. So, I've started counselling and a Grief Group Support. The counselling, last week, was my first free session. My GP sent a referral in to a Community Network that offers free counselling sessions. Which makes a huge difference when I do not have medical insurance to cover for the previous counselling sessions where I had to pay out of my own pocket. With this counsellor, she says there is no "set" amount of sessions.. but it is usually around 6-8 sessions. But, even at the end of the free sessions, I'll just need my GP to send another referral in for more additional sessions. I chose to see an intern counsellor, and I've asked, she's there for her clinical practice until next June. So, if additional referrals are needed, I could ask to see her in the future sessions. The Group Support, tomorrow will be the 3rd session. It's a 13-week program. Basically, only paid $40 for the workbook. Which is used after watching videos during the session, and we do the workbook at home. I think it's just helpful to show up to the sessions itself. Especially when no one around me seems to be impacted of my Grandma's passing as hard as it had hit me.. So, it's nice to have everyone in the group walking through a similar journey. The other day, I suddenly thought about a previous coworker who also passed away a couple of years ago.. she dealt with the same type of cancer as one of the member's wife.. My heart still feels heavy whenever I drive past her house.. see the car she drove to work with.. The last time I spoke with her, she asked me for the contacts for the Manager in the Volunteering department from the Hospital I worked at. I actually didn't know she passed away, until I met up with another coworker that we both worked with at the same company before the 3 of us had quit. Thinking about her, saddens me now. We never got the chance to meet up because of COVID, then, when the distancing regulations were lifted, her condition wasn't getting better. She said her immune is low, and does not want to risk meeting with others aside from her family and close friends. So, I never got the chance to meet with her in-person. We just kept in touch through texting. I can still picture her smiling face when we laughed and worked together. It's now been 2 months since my Grandma passed. The first month, I felt only pure sadness. Then, the second month, my mind had shutdown. I no longer can pinpoint my feelings, and my mind is blank. I've been zoning out more frequently since last Monday, especially when I was waiting to be called for my turn in appointments (had 4 last week). Sitting there in the clinic, for every 5 minutes, I'll zone out a few times. My sleep and appetite are affected, in some nights, my nightmares are coming back to haunt me.

Sharing My Group Support Sessions for Grief

Grief & Loss / by Jaeteuk

January 9th

...See more So, I started a group support for grief Sept. 17th. It's a 13-week program, held in a church. My friend recommended me to join, and told me it's not religion-related, and that I don't need to be a Christian to join. But, as the first one to arrive, I chatted with the couple who has been hosting these Group Sessions since 2008, says that it is Christian-based. But since I've paid for it already, I'll stay to the end. They did say anyone can join, so maybe, during these 13 weeks, I would have the urge to return to church again. Who knows, the hosts were very welcoming. I chatted with them at the end of the session, was asked what my experiences with church were and they told me their church have a wide diversity of cultures, with people of all ages. She said, if ever I'm interested, to let her know.. and she could help introduce me to the groups. So, I'll see how things go in the spiritual-sense. At one point in the past, I did have the heart and open-mindedness to try attending church with my parents (they're already baptized).. But, I lost hope after meeting people who did not care about me during the peak times of my depression. The first session, like all group supports, it's more of an introduction. Including the hosts, there were 13 of us, with 7 that didn't show up. By the looks of the first session, I seem to be the youngest, and may be the only person that is not a Christian. So, the payment was for the workbook, we get a workbook where we need to use it after watching videos. We were suppose to start the first video yesterday, but the introductions and overall sharing of our experiences took up all the time. I looked at the workbook today, and read through the first chapter (13 chapters, 13-week program). I stayed behind and chatted with the hosts. It was also nice to get hugs. Coming from a Chinese family, my parents and I never really expressed our love through hugs.. so to get hugs from others, during this time of grieving is really comforting. Some of you may already know, I lost my grandma at the end of July this year. I've started some counselling sessions (paid, very expensive, $170/55 mins).. I just received a call back from another counsellor that my GP sent a referral in for, which are free 6-8 sessions. With my first session next Wednesday. So, I'll see how that one goes. I have the paid session this Friday, but, I might stop seeing her after this 3rd session.. and go with the free one, and the group support. Here, I'll share my group session experiences and workbook contents. Hope it can help others who are seeking help, and we can support and share our experiences too.

Returning to Work after Grieving

Work & Career / by Jaeteuk

August 19th, 2024

...See more It was a Tuesday, during my shift when I received a message from my mum that Grandma had passed. (Full post in Grief & Loss). I immediately told my Manager I'll be taking the rest of the week off, and possibly the following week too. This was end of July, so, basically, I was off grieving for the first two weeks of August. I've finally decided to return to work tomorrow. I think I'm more afraid of explaining to colleagues the reason I was off the past 1.5 weeks, than working itself. Someone on my team messaged me last Thursday, asking if I was returning to work next week. I answered, first acknowledging that it must've been difficult for them during my absence, because there are others on vacation. Then, I explained I had been off grieving for the passing of my Grandma. I said I'll return Monday and see how it goes, if I cannot control my emotions at work, it probably means I need more time off. Their reply was, "rest up and see you next week".. I know I might be overthinking it, but for some reason, her response made me angry. To be grieving the time I had been off, and finally decided to try returning to work, telling me to rest up, that sounds like a very inconsiderate response. Resting up and going to work won't help with the grief and the stress I feel, returning to work. She even had a thumbs up emoticon in front. Even if she just replied with an okay, I would've felt neutral about it. Maybe I'm just being sensitive during this time. Colleagues only seem to care whether or not I can return to work, rather than showing compassion and empathy by asking why I had been off. I just didn't expect that kind of response after saying I lost my Grandma. People are just selfish beings. There I was trying to be apologetic for my absence (because I know that 2 others on my team are on vacation, which means the remaining 2 of 3 staff will need to work overtime. Which I know will be okay, because when I was off sick the beginning of this year, the nurses helped out when possible too). But I feel that I'm not ready to interact with colleagues yet.. I'll take it one day at time.. See how things go tomorrow, and if I'm still overwhelmed with emotions, then, it probably means I'm not ready to return to work yet.. Grandma's funeral/memorial isn't until next weekend.. So, I think until then, my mood will continue to fluctuate. So, I'm not sure if I'm in a stable enough state to be working.. because once I return to work, everyone will expect me to work productively and efficiently and get everything done, leaving no unfinished work for the morning staff. Hopefully colleagues will be more understanding that I was off grieving and if I need more time off to grieve that they won't make it sound like they're blaming me for their overtime work needs. I think my own mental health is more important than having me worrying if they're needing to work overtime in order to cover my my absence. To me, it'll be better if I can work normally than having my mind full of grief, which will cause a delay in my productivity and efficiency.. which may lead to complaints from colleagues that I'm lacking communication and productivity in my work.. (happened before, when I worked the week after learning my Grandma had a heart attack). After that week, that was when I colleague complained to me directly, and others must've said something too, because my Supervisor also came to me about not doing some tasks. That week I worked after Grandma's heart attack, I should've taken the week off. But, decided to bulldoze through, knowing that there was someone on vacation, but the whole week, I was on the verge of a breakdown everyday. I didn't speak with anybody, was very sleep deprived, and my mind often zoned-out. Back then, I only told my colleagues that someone back home is very ill, and it has gotten me very worried. Then, the colleague that complained directly to me said, "Everyone has sh*t going on at home, and they still come to work and interact with each other." I was so angry. Thanks for being considerate (sarcasm) of my feelings, after saying that there was someone very ill back home. Then, she goes on and does a personal attack on my work productivity. Saying that I'm lacking in productivity and efficiency because I'm not a permanent staff, unlike the rest of the staff on our team. Mind you, although I'm not a permanent staff (only working as a vacation relief), I've been working in this position 4 years longer than her, while she only started this year. How dare she speak to me like that? I think this type of personal attack is disrespectful and a little discriminating, when comparing me to a regular full-time staff. I planned to give her another chance before reporting her. If she says the same thing a second time, I'll report her. Because I was hurt by her words and it made me angry.

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

I understand that it's not always easy to reach out and ask for help when...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Don’t miss a message!

The 7 Cups app is available on iOS and Android

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

I understand that it's not always easy to reach out and ask for help when...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Personal Conversation Requests

General Conversation Requests

New Messages