Jaeteuk Member Profile

My Grief Journey

Grief & Loss / by Jaeteuk

Wednesday

...See more This will be a space for me to vent and share my grieving journey. For whoever comes across this thread, is free to comment. So, I have been off work since the first week of August, and have decided to take the remainder of the year off. I just don't want to be stressing about thinking of returning to work, as my Manager would ask me every month, if I'm ready to return the next month. Honestly now, thinking of returning to work, I still have a lot of anger lingering. So, I'm not in the best state to return to work without being angry, and returning to work will only build up more stress and pressure, as colleagues really have nothing nice to say to me. So, I've started counselling and a Grief Group Support. The counselling, last week, was my first free session. My GP sent a referral in to a Community Network that offers free counselling sessions. Which makes a huge difference when I do not have medical insurance to cover for the previous counselling sessions where I had to pay out of my own pocket. With this counsellor, she says there is no "set" amount of sessions.. but it is usually around 6-8 sessions. But, even at the end of the free sessions, I'll just need my GP to send another referral in for more additional sessions. I chose to see an intern counsellor, and I've asked, she's there for her clinical practice until next June. So, if additional referrals are needed, I could ask to see her in the future sessions. The Group Support, tomorrow will be the 3rd session. It's a 13-week program. Basically, only paid $40 for the workbook. Which is used after watching videos during the session, and we do the workbook at home. I think it's just helpful to show up to the sessions itself. Especially when no one around me seems to be impacted of my Grandma's passing as hard as it had hit me.. So, it's nice to have everyone in the group walking through a similar journey. The other day, I suddenly thought about a previous coworker who also passed away a couple of years ago.. she dealt with the same type of cancer as one of the member's wife.. My heart still feels heavy whenever I drive past her house.. see the car she drove to work with.. The last time I spoke with her, she asked me for the contacts for the Manager in the Volunteering department from the Hospital I worked at. I actually didn't know she passed away, until I met up with another coworker that we both worked with at the same company before the 3 of us had quit. Thinking about her, saddens me now. We never got the chance to meet up because of COVID, then, when the distancing regulations were lifted, her condition wasn't getting better. She said her immune is low, and does not want to risk meeting with others aside from her family and close friends. So, I never got the chance to meet with her in-person. We just kept in touch through texting. I can still picture her smiling face when we laughed and worked together. It's now been 2 months since my Grandma passed. The first month, I felt only pure sadness. Then, the second month, my mind had shutdown. I no longer can pinpoint my feelings, and my mind is blank. I've been zoning out more frequently since last Monday, especially when I was waiting to be called for my turn in appointments (had 4 last week). Sitting there in the clinic, for every 5 minutes, I'll zone out a few times. My sleep and appetite are affected, in some nights, my nightmares are coming back to haunt me.

Sharing My Group Support Sessions for Grief

Grief & Loss / by Jaeteuk

2 days ago

...See more So, I started a group support for grief Sept. 17th. It's a 13-week program, held in a church. My friend recommended me to join, and told me it's not religion-related, and that I don't need to be a Christian to join. But, as the first one to arrive, I chatted with the couple who has been hosting these Group Sessions since 2008, says that it is Christian-based. But since I've paid for it already, I'll stay to the end. They did say anyone can join, so maybe, during these 13 weeks, I would have the urge to return to church again. Who knows, the hosts were very welcoming. I chatted with them at the end of the session, was asked what my experiences with church were and they told me their church have a wide diversity of cultures, with people of all ages. She said, if ever I'm interested, to let her know.. and she could help introduce me to the groups. So, I'll see how things go in the spiritual-sense. At one point in the past, I did have the heart and open-mindedness to try attending church with my parents (they're already baptized).. But, I lost hope after meeting people who did not care about me during the peak times of my depression. The first session, like all group supports, it's more of an introduction. Including the hosts, there were 13 of us, with 7 that didn't show up. By the looks of the first session, I seem to be the youngest, and may be the only person that is not a Christian. So, the payment was for the workbook, we get a workbook where we need to use it after watching videos. We were suppose to start the first video yesterday, but the introductions and overall sharing of our experiences took up all the time. I looked at the workbook today, and read through the first chapter (13 chapters, 13-week program). I stayed behind and chatted with the hosts. It was also nice to get hugs. Coming from a Chinese family, my parents and I never really expressed our love through hugs.. so to get hugs from others, during this time of grieving is really comforting. Some of you may already know, I lost my grandma at the end of July this year. I've started some counselling sessions (paid, very expensive, $170/55 mins).. I just received a call back from another counsellor that my GP sent a referral in for, which are free 6-8 sessions. With my first session next Wednesday. So, I'll see how that one goes. I have the paid session this Friday, but, I might stop seeing her after this 3rd session.. and go with the free one, and the group support. Here, I'll share my group session experiences and workbook contents. Hope it can help others who are seeking help, and we can support and share our experiences too.

Returning to Work after Grieving

Work & Career / by Jaeteuk

August 19th

...See more It was a Tuesday, during my shift when I received a message from my mum that Grandma had passed. (Full post in Grief & Loss). I immediately told my Manager I'll be taking the rest of the week off, and possibly the following week too. This was end of July, so, basically, I was off grieving for the first two weeks of August. I've finally decided to return to work tomorrow. I think I'm more afraid of explaining to colleagues the reason I was off the past 1.5 weeks, than working itself. Someone on my team messaged me last Thursday, asking if I was returning to work next week. I answered, first acknowledging that it must've been difficult for them during my absence, because there are others on vacation. Then, I explained I had been off grieving for the passing of my Grandma. I said I'll return Monday and see how it goes, if I cannot control my emotions at work, it probably means I need more time off. Their reply was, "rest up and see you next week".. I know I might be overthinking it, but for some reason, her response made me angry. To be grieving the time I had been off, and finally decided to try returning to work, telling me to rest up, that sounds like a very inconsiderate response. Resting up and going to work won't help with the grief and the stress I feel, returning to work. She even had a thumbs up emoticon in front. Even if she just replied with an okay, I would've felt neutral about it. Maybe I'm just being sensitive during this time. Colleagues only seem to care whether or not I can return to work, rather than showing compassion and empathy by asking why I had been off. I just didn't expect that kind of response after saying I lost my Grandma. People are just selfish beings. There I was trying to be apologetic for my absence (because I know that 2 others on my team are on vacation, which means the remaining 2 of 3 staff will need to work overtime. Which I know will be okay, because when I was off sick the beginning of this year, the nurses helped out when possible too). But I feel that I'm not ready to interact with colleagues yet.. I'll take it one day at time.. See how things go tomorrow, and if I'm still overwhelmed with emotions, then, it probably means I'm not ready to return to work yet.. Grandma's funeral/memorial isn't until next weekend.. So, I think until then, my mood will continue to fluctuate. So, I'm not sure if I'm in a stable enough state to be working.. because once I return to work, everyone will expect me to work productively and efficiently and get everything done, leaving no unfinished work for the morning staff. Hopefully colleagues will be more understanding that I was off grieving and if I need more time off to grieve that they won't make it sound like they're blaming me for their overtime work needs. I think my own mental health is more important than having me worrying if they're needing to work overtime in order to cover my my absence. To me, it'll be better if I can work normally than having my mind full of grief, which will cause a delay in my productivity and efficiency.. which may lead to complaints from colleagues that I'm lacking communication and productivity in my work.. (happened before, when I worked the week after learning my Grandma had a heart attack). After that week, that was when I colleague complained to me directly, and others must've said something too, because my Supervisor also came to me about not doing some tasks. That week I worked after Grandma's heart attack, I should've taken the week off. But, decided to bulldoze through, knowing that there was someone on vacation, but the whole week, I was on the verge of a breakdown everyday. I didn't speak with anybody, was very sleep deprived, and my mind often zoned-out. Back then, I only told my colleagues that someone back home is very ill, and it has gotten me very worried. Then, the colleague that complained directly to me said, "Everyone has sh*t going on at home, and they still come to work and interact with each other." I was so angry. Thanks for being considerate (sarcasm) of my feelings, after saying that there was someone very ill back home. Then, she goes on and does a personal attack on my work productivity. Saying that I'm lacking in productivity and efficiency because I'm not a permanent staff, unlike the rest of the staff on our team. Mind you, although I'm not a permanent staff (only working as a vacation relief), I've been working in this position 4 years longer than her, while she only started this year. How dare she speak to me like that? I think this type of personal attack is disrespectful and a little discriminating, when comparing me to a regular full-time staff. I planned to give her another chance before reporting her. If she says the same thing a second time, I'll report her. Because I was hurt by her words and it made me angry.

Grandma is gone..

Grief & Loss / by Jaeteuk

7 hours ago

...See more So.. My parents arrived in the afternoon in HK, Tuesday afternoon (HK time), and grandma passed the same night. I was at work today, when my mum messaged me at 5pm, which is their Wednesday morning in HK.. and told me grandma passed last night. My mind was overloaded with emotions and was shutting down. I don't have many childhood memories, but my time spent with Grandma is still very vivid. Both memories of when I was young and still lived in HK, and times when she came to Canada to visit us. I'm so glad I told my mum to return to HK earlier, as my parents have a cruise trip in mid-September, I told her to return now, so there are no regrets or in case grandma leaves when she's on the cruise trip.. that would've been even worse. The past weekend, we were informed Grandma returned to the hospital with low saturation levels, was given medication and seemed to be doing better. We all thought that Grandma will be okay, my Aunt in the States supposed to have a cruise trip in the beginning of August (and she had refused to to return to HK while Grandma is still healthy and told my mum, if she wants to go back then to go by herself, Aunt will not go along with her. Although Grandma had been in-and-out of the hospital since her heart attack, she was still healthy, she only had times where she was experiencing shortness-of-breath).. I wonder if my Aunt ended up needing to cancel her trip after receiving the news of Grandma's passing, and make an immediate flight back for the funeral.. I'm so glad my mum made it back in time to spend the last moments with her mother. Unlike when my Grandfather passed (Dad's dad).. My dad was a day late upon arrival in HK.. Grandfather had left the day before he arrived.. ~~~~~~~~~~~ At the beginning of my work shift today, I went to speak with my Manager. To give her a heads up that I'll need to take time off from work if Grandma really passes. I told her, on the last weekend of June, we were informed Grandma had a heart attack, and I went to work the following week, but it was really hard.. as I was on the verge of a breakdown as I worked.. so, I told my Manager, if Grandma passes, I'm going to need to take time off.. The beginning of my shift was around 1pm when I told her.. I messaged my Manager at 7pm, telling her I'll need to rest of the week off, I also told her I left work earlier (she asked me to touch base with her later on in the week to see how I'm doing).. I just kind of did the minimal work that is needed to be done, and kinda left everything else behind.. My mind had wondered off the moment I saw the message from my mum about Grandma's passing, and I was forgetting things (walking towards a way to grab an item, but forgot what it was I needed halfway through the walk).. I went to have my dinner earlier, and left at 7pm (so left work an hour earlier).. The nurses also leaves at 7pm, I saw them in the change room.. I guess I looked kind of out of it and for once, I was rushing to leave.. so, they asked me if everything was okay (because I don't usually ask if I could leave earlier).. so, I told them briefly that my Grandma passed away last night.. I'm saddened that I cannot take a flight back to HK to attend the funeral (I financially can't afford the plane tickets and the required accommodation expenses).. but, I'm thinking about taking the time to ask my mum if there is something we can do to help.. even if it's to transfer her some funds.. or whatnot.. That is, if my mum has the time to chat with me.. I hope I see Grandma in my dreams, so I have a chance to say my goodbyes to her. 😭 I'll miss you, Grandma~

Verge of a Breakdown

Depression Support / by Jaeteuk

July 7th

Grandma might not have that much time left

Grief & Loss / by Jaeteuk

July 28th

...See more Friday night, we got the news that my grandma, mum's mother, had a sudden heart attack. She's already living in those senior homes as she's in her 90s and had lived by herself for the past 30+ years. She's in Hong Kong, so yesterday, my parents started looking for possible hotels to stay if they are urgently needed to return to see her. I was never that close to my grandma, but it will still be a loss if she doesn't make it. Her primary doctor and cardiologist says that they can't operate on her as with her age, the risks are too high, and they said there aren't really any other treatment. They are only able to make her feel more comfortable, but if an another attack occurs, then, they will let her leave as comfortably as possible. I never met grandpa, as he left before I was born. But I was told by my mum that he knew that my mum was pregnant with me before he left, so I might've still gotten his blessings. The first time I met grandpa was at his grave back in 2008 when I went back to Hong Kong with my parents for vacation. I had a short chat with him then. So, there is a possibility that grandma might not have that much time left.. I'm thinking even if it's not an urgent situation, my mum would still need to arrange to return to HK to see her in the near future. In case she suddenly goes. That was what happened with my dad's dad. My dad couldn't make it back in time to say his goodbyes, he was in flight when grandpa left. If grandma goes, I think I'll need to take some time off from work. Although I won't be returning to HK with my parents, I think I'll still need time to grieve. Although I was not as close with her during my preschool years in HK, I still remember her visiting us in Canada when I was still in elementary school, as well as, me seeing her in 2008. Those are moments that I'll never forget and they were as if it happened yesterday. I even remember how much she didn't want to leave when we said our goodbyes at our airport. The expression on her face, the tears she wiped away..

An upsetting shift

Work & Career / by Jaeteuk

July 19th

...See more Yesterday's shift was not good.. the lady at the front desk (she's like the person in charge of the OR from 7am - 3pm), came up to me near the beginning of my shift and told me to make sure 3 specific things are done every night so it's ready in the morning.. These 3 things I usually do, and if she received some complaints about something in the morning, all I can say is, I might've missed 1 task.. But, the other 2, I'm pretty sure they were done.. Within the OR, we have 2 warmers for blankets.. which I will fill up at the end of my shift.. the only other warmer I always tend to forget, is the one in pre-surgery.. but here's the thing.. In pre-surgery, they now have their own linen cart with those blankets that the nurses working there can easily fill at the end of their shifts.. I almost always see a nurse with nothing to do by 4pm.. so, why can't they fill their own blanket warmer.. The nurses in Post-Surgery also have their own blanket warmer, and they restock it themselves.. It shouldn't be our (the OR Aides) job to fill the warmer in pre-surgery.. I can see how we needed to do it in the past, because they did not have that linen cart until the beginning of this year.. But, now they have their own, the nurses working there has plenty of time to do it before the end of their shift.. Nowadays, they also sometimes get volunteers to help them fold up gowns for the patients and stack them all on the racks ready for the next day.. They could easily ask the volunteers to fill the warmer too.. And, I have a feeling it's the morning colleagues that complain about it.. and it becomes my fault.. All I hear is them saying that there are a lot of things to get done in the morning, and if I've forgot to do something and they end up needing to do it, they will say, they have a lot to do, and that extra task is too much work.. But honestly, some evenings are super busy.. like last night, I didn't go for my dinner until past 7pm (I'm off at 8pm).. one room didn't finish until 6pm.. the nurses are usually off at 7pm.. even they had to work a little over, just to get rooms set up. I usually have stretchers all placed outside each OR, and on Tuesday, I've grabbed 4 from upstairs back down.. and yet, that lady at the front desk mentioned about getting the stretchers all ready.. So, I left a note to our morning person so she'd see it when she starts her shift this morning.. saying I went upstairs at 7pm, and there were none in the hallway.. Like, colleagues can't expect that there will always be empty stretchers I can bring down in the evening.. because it really depends on whether or not the patients upstairs have a bed to be transferred to.. or if they get discharged by the time I end my shift.. So, it's normal when there are nights where there are no empty stretchers to bring down.. they can't expect me to have them ready for them in the morning every day.. and literally, it's their job in the mornings too.. I mean, I've worked their shifts before.. I know the amount of tasks that is needed to be done before the first cases start.. And yes, it does seem like there's a lot to get done within the hour.. but, if you work fast enough, you can do that extra work that was left behind the night before.. I just don't understand.. Why must they complain about it? So, I was upset during my shift today.. because aside from that one of three things I missed, I do the rest every night anyways.. So, I feel like someone is making an unnecessary complaint and just wants to get me in trouble.. Like, there are so many things I need to do in the evening shift too.. As I'm all by myself from 3:30pm and onwards.. whereas, there are 2 Aides in the morning, and 3 Aides overlapping 2.5 hours the moment I start at noon. And yet, supplies are never restocked by the morning Aides.. so, end up going around the OR and checking on supplies and refilling everything.. When there's 2 Aides in the morning, I'm sure that they can easily spare like 15 minutes of their time to restock certain supplies too. It's like, I'm doing everything, the moment I start my shift.. and they could care less.. and yet, when something is missed, I'm the one who gets the blame.. So, I was upset during my shift yesterday and today (Thursday) and most likely will still be depressed tomorrow too.. Also, the colleague that finishes her shift at 3:30pm.. she comes to me every day, telling me things that she has done, and wants me to finish, so it's ready the next day.. It's like worse than having a second mother at work.. repeatedly telling me what I need to do (we're all grown adults, yes, I might be the youngest of the team, but I'm still an adult).. I don't mind reminders like, once a week, but every day? But these things she tells me, it's almost automatic that I know I need to do if she haven't completed yet.. Maybe she's trying to have good communication, but these messages don't need to be relayed to me every day at the end of her shift.. especially when it's repeated tasks.. and I've been doing this job much longer than she has.. I'm the one with more experience compared to the 2 current morning Aides that just started working late last year and early this year.. I seriously don't need to be told what to do.. and they shouldn't make a complaint about me when something is missed.. just do it! There are multiple supposedly shared tasks, and they never do.. and I end up doing everything.. then, when one of the many tasks gets missed, I'm the one that gets the blame and complained about.. The more I thought about it when I got home last night, the more I felt teary. But I wasn't able to have a good cry about it.. so, now it feels like the emotions are stuck.. and my heart feels heavy.. It affected my mood for today's shift, and will affect tomorrow's too.. I don't have an outlet for my emotions. It also affected my sleep last night.. slept for a couple of hours, woke at 3am.. then, at 6am.. then, at 8am.. 9am.. I usually get out of bed by 9:30-45ish. Today's shift, that lady didn't say anything to me.. but now I'm being weary of my work.. I'm already doing all the work that the other two morning staff doesn't help with.. so what if I missed a task or two? Just quietly complete it, why must they complain and blame me for it? Don't they ever see all the other things I've done well with? Why do people only see the bad side and never say anything about the good side?

Mental Health Awareness Self-Affirmations

Depression Support / by Jaeteuk

June 4th

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