Weekly Prompt #3: What helped you understand and accept your sexuality/gender identity

@ASilentObserver

I would say no, I have not "come to terms" with my sexuality, in that, that implies it is something sad or unpleasant I have had to come to deal with, instead of the joyful loving experience my sexuality is. I accept myself, how I love and who I love but it's not something I feel I have to deal or cope with. Does a heterosexual come to terms with their heterosexuality?

The things I would say I've had to come to terms with, are societal attitudes and opinions, microaggressions, and people who accept but still see me as somehow lesser or broken. There I would say I have mostly come to terms with the reality that not everyone will accept, but it is a continual process of coping and dealing each time.

One situation that I find comes up a lot is where people who accept often ask questions or make statements that make it imply like my sexuality is something bad, sad, broken or wrong even while they try to be accepting and supportive. For example, a parent saying "It's okay, I still love you" as though being LGBTQ+ is something that makes you less loveable, but they'll push through and love you anyway.

This kind of acceptance without true understanding is tiring, makes me feel even when people claim to see, they don't really see. Even when they say they accept and it's not wrong or broken, their questions say on some level they still perceive it as this bad and broken thing that I'm suffering from, when what I'm suffering from is essentially attitudes that say I'm broken.

This progress without true change in understanding can be disheartening. Mostly when this happens I just try to help them see how their questions don't match their claims of acceptance, take a deep breath, and remember what is really broken is the disconnect, misunderstanding and hate, not me.

Just some thoughts.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

@EmotionsListener  My experience is different than yours.  I am not out to my family at all, so no problem there yet.  Society has been very accepting to me, but the city where I live does nothing to make it easier for lesbians to meet each other.  I find it very, very difficult to be gay.  Other women do not try hard enough to meet each other, and so after I emerged from the closet two years ago, I feel that it is other lesbians who have kept me in another closet - I am open about my sexuality now but can't find any other woman like me!

@ASilentObserver

How have you come to terms with your sexuality? What was that journey like for you?

I am not sure I have come to terms of this. But maybe I have. I don't run around waving the PFLAG. I don't have bumper stickers all over my car. I don't announce it at every moment or use it as weapon or as an excuse. If I am asked, I may acknowledge, but 100% depends on who or what I perceive as why I am being asked.

The Journey -

Bitter, Sour, Rocky, No good views along the way.
Bottom Line Up front, Have been in a 2 decade + relationship, so that is well. There are two wonderful, self supporting, strong boys whom have children of their own. So those are the end of the story wonders.
The beginning was anything positive. There had been large amounts of self hate, self loathing, confusion. I had never been (knowingly) a victim of hate because of that label. I have not (knowingly) been called THOSE words. But have heard the words from my father "You will burn in *** because of who you are".
So to the world outside of here, when I speak with people (who know) I try to gloss over the B.S. and let them know that there is Hope and speak of my relationship with a person whom is better than I.

I feel like I always knew I was queer, even from a super young age. It wasn't until I was an older kid that people around me said and showed me is so many ways that being Different from their realities was Wrong or bad in some way.

I think coming to terms for me, came around in my early 20s. I spent a lot of time online, read a lot, met a lot of people. Learned a lot of new things and did a lot of self discovery. I think being assured in who I am, and that my chosen family knows me, sees me and respects me is what got me to where I am today.

I know that there's always going to be some people that don't understand and won't even try to, but knowing who I am to myself and that my friends accept me as who I tell them I am at any given point in time is enough for me. No one can tell you who you are, but there will be people who will meet you half way and let you tell them and those are the ones that matter the most!

@doeji I'm so glad you were able to find your true self. Knowing who you are and surrounding yourself with people who love and accept you for who you are is so important. You seem to have come such a long way in your journey of self-discovery. Thank you for being here with us and sharing your experiences with us. <3

I am still on this journey, but I feel quite happy with myself at the moment. It took me ages (2 years) to figure out my sexuality (polysexual + ace) and gender identity (non binary), but I think I am in a good place. It feels nice, for once and I’m almost fully out in my social life. The knot of confusion around identity has dissipated a lot over the past few years and it’s a relief. :)

@Phoenix1234theythem That's wonderful to hear. Self-discovery and acceptance are such an important journey. I'm glad you're in a place of clarity and comfort with who you are. We are happy for you for the progress you've made.

Speaking as me only not my role my opinions are my own-

Just wanted to point out I think this comes across as a micro aggressive way to word the question. My sexuality is not something I have to come to terms with. It’s not a disease like cancer. So to answer the question, I have not come to terms with it. It just is me. What is hard is judgement or hate etc. I think there’s better phrasing that could be used in the future.

@EvelyneRose Thank you for correcting me Eve. I could have worded it better. Thanks to @Jenna for better phrasing. Appreciate the feedback.

Tell me you're not in the LGBTQQIP2SA+ community without telling me you're not part of the LGBTQQIP2SA+ community.

Being our sexuality is not something that we just come to terms with. It's a bit bizarre and clearly shows a lack of education and tact.

Maybe you could come to terms that you need better education? 👁️👅👁️

@FrenchMarbles

We could all use some education on things we may not know or understand. It is what helps us grow and become more understanding to fight off stigma and stereotypes. Could you maybe show how you would phrase the question?

@FrenchMarbles Thank you for the feedback, Marbles. I definitely need to learn a lot about many things and that is why we have these discussions we all can come together and share and learn from each other.

How have you come to terms with your sexuality/gender identity?

Maybe you could change the question to ask something more like; What helped you understand and accept your sexuality/gender identity?

This website (specifically the LGBTQ+ community on this site), other LGBTQ+ websites, etc helped me understand more about my sexuality, gender identity, and romantic orientation. I was able to discover why I felt certain ways and why I felt different from other people when it came to these things. I learned new terms that I never discovered before.

I have learned so much and it has helped me be more accepting of myself when others can't accept me. I have learned to not care as much about what others think about me and care more about what I think about myself. It also helped me be more accepting of others for who they are in this community.

@Jenna Hi Jenna, thank you for helping me to reframe the prompt more appropriately. It is nice to read how exploring your identity and learning to accept yourself can be an empowering journey. It sounds like connecting with supportive communities and resources has helped give you insight and confidence in who you are. I agree that focusing on self-acceptance despite what others may think is so important. I'm glad you've found places where you feel heard and understood.

@Jenna hey 👋🏻 

Hi,

As I received a homophobic education as a child, I would feel a lot of shame and anxiety being a teenager. I know that shame is always related to social contexts such as comparison. I really bought into all the toxic masculinity stuff like ‘you act like a little girl, don’t speak like a f*g’. But I think the main problem was that I’ve never had close friends, people towards whom I would have felt the confidence to come out. I came out a long time ago to my family, but it turned out not to be enough for me to be with okay with my gayness, they accept it though. I’m also working with a therapist on self-acceptance, it’s a long process for me. I’m just so tired of wanting to come across as straight so I will do coming out definitely at my next workplace, I’d like to open up more and more.

I'm bi..ive known it since I was 16 or 17. I was at a cross roads when I was 19... I had an online girlfriend i was making plans to go meet but then I met my now hub.

..it was easier because he was physically here whe. They've gf lived in another state. I've always been honest and upfront w him about him really being the only guy I like. My close friends know also but no one else knows..

I think i Always knew i Was a lesbian, but my ex-best friend told me Its Wrong before i even got to Tell her, my other friends told me that i like my girl classmate And make Fun of me for it, i thought i still liked boys, i thought i Was bi, but i Was only attracted to them, like when you Are attracted to a celebrity. Im 20 Now, And i kissed a boy, but it never Felt right And it made me weirdly uncomfortable, which never happened when i kissed a girl. Thats how i knew in that moment.

@ASilentObserver ik what helped me understand my sexuality, it was a hot couple. they're both hot.

And my gender is probably either genderfluid or genderfae/doe but I'm not sure. It's not static and I know I have fem and androgynous genders sometimes but I'm not sure if I've had masculine genders before. I just don't remember if I ever did

@ASilentObserver

one word - therapy

I didn't wake up/realise that I'm trans, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist, it took me about 6 months in therapy to come to terms with that, the fact I'm also sexually attracted to women, which makes me a lesbian, is just a natural outcome of that, I didnt question I simply accepted the reality for what it is

I was lucky to be surrounded by accepting people, I didnt ask for anything else, simply that you treat me as a woman that I consider myself as, my personal goal, is not to the percieved and treated as a transgender person but as a cis woman, I'm far from it now, but once I get there I dont plan on revealing my gender identity to anyone that I do not deem trustworthy

For me, it was a very long journey, starting at a very young age. There was just something about girls I had never felt for guys, I am Christian, so it was very difficult having to figure out how to balance faith with being a lesbian. I tried to live without one, and it didn’t work, then tried living without the other, and it failed too, so I realized I was going to have to find a way to live with both. I tried praying, and reading the Bible, everything I had been taught to do in my faith. After struggling with the lie of “being gay will send me to ***” I had to fight off tons of stigma and hate and discover the truth for myself. I came out to my brother, who was very supportive. I had been just mentally strained because I had felt like I was living two lives and he really helped me. Less than a year later I came out to my parents, and they took it very hard at first. After explaining some of how I felt and how I’ve learned to “balance” my life, they understood too. There are still some things that they struggle with, and it can be painful for all of us, but I think they’re well on their way. :)

I first came out in the early 1980s, and I found community in books, magazines, bookstores, and lesbian music (Alix Dobkin, anyone?) Representation mattered then, and matters now. Those resources have me a frame of reference to grow into.

I haven’t accepted myself yet.

@Imdepressedontheinside that is okay, it sometimes takes time. Took me time too. Hoping you can find some ease in that soon 💕

@ASilentObserver

I think that I am still coming to terms with the fact that I'm gay, but probably the fact that I never really liked girls(I'm 15 btw) and I really liked being around people of the same sex as mine

@ASilentObserver I was on vacation in Hawaii and I was watching a lgbtq video and one was about a trans dude saying how he had a lesbian phase but ended up trans. I then saw another video of a trans dude talking about his experience and it was very similar to mine. Then I sat around thinking about all the times I experienced gender dysphoria but thought it was body dysmorphia and thought if I truly was trans. Then after a day of thinking and researching I finally realized who I was and when I did I felt a tiny bit more free in myself and my brain. 

@RUMBUM That is great that you have been able to do some reflection and research. How has realizing this made you feel?

@ASilentObserver I didn't realize I was bi until my 30s, just a few years ago. It was super confusing. Thankfully my partner has been super supportive but I guess another big thing that helped me was just reading other people's experiences and being able to relate and not feel so alone or weird. Also realizing that straight people don't really question lol. Once I was able to see other people shared my experiences/feelings and found a word for it, that helped me feel more comfortable. I'm still figuring out how to navigate and haven't really shared or come out to more than a few people irl but I feel a lot more confident in claiming (to myself anyway) that I am bi 💗💜💙

Happy pride! 🏳️‍🌈

@SkateComet93 hi there <3 your post made me smile. So glad to have you as part of our community as a bisexual fellow. Happy pride to you 💕

@AveryLove aw yay I'm glad I made you smile and I'm happy to be here! ☺️ 

@SkateComet93 That makes sense, Skate. Exploring and finding language for our identities can bring clarity and comfort. How do you think coming out to others may change as you become more confident in your identity?

I'm non binary feminine presenting pansexual. It took me 32 years to come out to my mom because my family is incredibly religious. I dealt with a lot of backlash from my family and oh hey you’re an abomination, kind of stuff.. I finally have learned to accept myself and not care about what they think because this is my life, my journey, and I am gonna live it in my truth. well, the journey is still difficult, I choose to live my life on my terms and what makes sense to me. if they can accept that, that’s fine, I’m still going to live my best life.

@sincereWillow197 I am glad you have found acceptance and authenticity after such a long journey. What has been most helpful for you in embracing your true self?

@ASilentObserver

It took a while for me to become comfortable with being aroace, because people on the net aren't supportive of it. But, I know that it's fine, because what can they do?

@ingeniousPup4305 It seems like you have faced challenges finding acceptance online regarding your asexuality and aromanticism. How has this impacted your experience with self-acceptance?

I was lucky and raised by sapphic parents, so my moms were always supportive of my sexuality and I never really questioned being pansexual. It just… was a thing and, in my family, it was simply normal. So, back in the day things were pretty easy on that front. But back in the days of being comfortable in my sexuality, I thought I was cis.

Coming to terms with being not-a-woman, not-a-man, but some elusive third thing was pretty difficult. Is still pretty difficult, but I think what helped/helps the most was recognizing that it only is difficult to explain. To exist as myself in spaces not built for me in mind. When I’m alone or with my partners or my family, it’s not difficult at all. For me, that just solidified the fact that my gender is mine. Independent of what it’s societally supposed to be, what others wish it were. And that weird sense of owning one’s Self really helped me to find peace with who I am.

I don’t have a big reflection on the polyamory except to say that what really made me confident about it was something my nesting partner quoted while he was researching the concept. It’s kind of a household mantra now: we design a relationship that works for us. We don’t have to use the Disney princess template or the 2000s rom-com building blocks. He’s not Lindsay Lohan and I’m not Chris Pine, but it’s just our luck that we found each other because we both understand that it’s both stressful and unfair (in our opinion) to expect a single romantic partner to meet all our needs. We’ve been together something like seven years. Maybe eight, we’ve. Both forgotten the date, honestly. Been polyam and happy about it since about two years in.

@quirkkittenexplosion It is great that you have had supportive family and have found comfort in embracing your true self and identity. Recognizing that your gender doesn't need to fit societal expectations has brought you peace. How do you feel when you're able to be yourself without judgment?

@ASilentObserver I wish I could say I have come to terms with it all, but honestly I can't. I still question who I am and why I have so much anxiety and outright fear of my sexuality. That said, as much as I question it, being a woman is about the only thing in my life that ever really made sense to me.

@Shygal2424 It is understandable to grapple with these questions when they impact your understanding of yourself. What thoughts tend to go through your mind when you experience these feelings of anxiety related to your sexuality?

@ASilentObserver Idk if I’m fully accepting it of myself just yet. I would say the thing has further and further helped me come to terms with how I see myself is playing video games. Namely, video games that allow me to pick my player’s gender. At a certain point, idk when even, I just started picking the female player model every chance I got. I would make excuses like "oh, I like their voice actor more" or "I like their character design more" or "I’m just roleplaying" but really the reason is that they’re the ones I identify more with.