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Going through an unexpected breakup
For some context, I was previously in a toxic relationship that finally ended. At the time that breakup was presented to me as taking a break, and that we would eventually get back together. I was so broken up about it, but in the time realise that this person was just trying to further control me. They got together with someone new right away, which lead me to believe they were cheating on me at some point in our relationship.
Fast forward to about a year, I meet a new person. I wasn't sure if I was even ready to date again, but we ended up hitting it off and grew super close. We started dating and it was great. We had some growing pains at first, but maturaly together we overcame all the small new budding romance obstacles. We had great communication and I was finally feeling like I was finding my person.
Then the pandemic happened, and quarenteen made it into a LDR, which she never wanted to be in. I can understand thae why now. We made plans, and had virtural dates and talked as often as our schedules would allow, but I started to feel like something was up. A little off. We ended up having a big talk and she admitted to feeling off, and uncertain and that like many things in her life were "up in the air." This hurt to hear, but we ultimately decided that despite all the uncertaininy, we still loved each other very much and didn't want to break it off or take a break. Instead, we decided to just spend a little more time apart. I didn't want to put any extra pressure on her. I agreed and was okay with this. Sometimes I felt a little lonely, but it wasn't anything I couldnt handle on my own.
She returned to therapy and we started to talk a bit more, sort of back to regular. We text all throughout the day, so it didn't feel like a drastic change for me, and I was proud of myself that I was able to handle this so well. In the past, my abdoment issues would make me freak out and become clingy.
Fast forward to a week ago, she texted me asking if I was free that evening, and I was. I assumed we were going to have a virtural date. She had be telling me vaguly about therapy, so I assume going back was helping her work through her worries and she was feeling like her usual social flirty butterfly self again and wanted to have a virtural date with me. I was wrong.
We chatted for a bit, and then she told me she wrote something and wanted me to read it. I felt so shocked and scared, but I read it and it hurt a lot. To sum up the letter, she just relayed that she loved me a lot and hopes we can still be friends, but she thinks we are not compatible in the long run and I just couldn't believe it. We have different interests, sure, but we aren't so drastically different that we suddenly didnt have anything to talk about. It kind of felt like an excuse, but I was so in shock I couldn't stop crying to even express how I felt.
We basically stayed on the phone for a while not saying much. She tried to say nice things about me, but I stopped her. It wasn't comforting. I'm still quite a bit in shock, but my feelings for her are still the same. I don't think we are incompatible. I don't know why she suddenly thinks that. If anything, I think the timing just isn't right. It's nobody's fault, and I understand that. It doesnt make it hurt any less though...
I have ok days and bad days. I'm trying to reach out to my friends and occupy my time. It just hurts. We were loosely planning a vacation once we got our vaccines and it was safe enough to travel a short distance. In times like these, I just want to live life to the fullest, but I suppose not everyone has the same emotional response.
Not to be a sap in denial, I know we are broken up and as much as it hurts, I think it is the best decision. I wouldnt want to persue a person who's muddle and confused. I want her to have the space to work out her demons, and I have my own to work on as well. I am kind of hoping that we could try again sometime, but definitely not anytime soon. I feel like the connection we have is so special, and even though it hurts, taking this space will give me a chance to get past it and work on myself For myself. I don't want to resent her, and I think had we continue to see each other, with the distance and her slowly pulling away would have done just that.