Eva’s Crazy Mind

why fight it, if i’m going to lose anyway?

@justmeeva It only feels like a losing battle. Because there's thousands of battles fought every day. Thoughts - feelings - urges

tw

so i got a scratch from my dog bc she was  excited and jumped on me and it’s on my wrist and it has that thin line of blood and everything and now i kinda have the urge to make more of them uhmm-

imagine your dog making you want to relapse like come on bffr-

.-.

@justmeeva

🍔\('-' \)

i don’t think i will tho, even though it’s really really tempting now that i think about it-

i remember when i used to post just the semicolon (;) here when i had a hard time since it’s a sign of choosing to keep going and continue when you could’ve.. not, but i don’t anymore because i don’t choose to keep going i just have to.

anyway i’ll go now and *deletes lol but i’m safe i guess* <3

my neck hurts from crocheting lol

i haven’t written in black in so long it feels weird and wrong

anyways i’m about halfway done but i ran out of yarn so i gotta go buy more after dentist 

i tried color changing for the first time and i did.. okay i think. for the first time i think it’s okay.

@justmeeva

@unassumingEyes 

nevermind we’re going after mom’s work

so that’s uhmm.. at least 5 hours of crochet time just *poof* :’)

guess i’ll have a long night then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

trying to befriend a tiny spider lol

i’m gonna miss my dad a lot. like.. a lot..

..and.. we’re sad again. well, an okay day can’t last the entire day, can it? nope, not for me. it was expected anyways. 

@justmeeva

*sits with Eva if okie*🥺

@VictoriaLove7 

*sits* of course it’s okay. 🩷

oh how much i hated it. hate it. being around people. being me. 

that’s just unfair :/

some people are out there living my dream life

the life i make stories of, the life that’s fantasy and daydreaming for me

and i don’t mean like celebrities or rich people i don’t mean any of that

i mean some regular normal people are just living the life i once wished i would have

@justmeeva one of my best friends is literally currently living the life i want and its not even that complicated just good, understanding parents and siblings. But its like we both always got like the same grqdes etc and had similar ideas and sometimes it just feels like shes me but with a good mom and that just. Hurts. I guess. And im not exactly jealous because im so glad she has this support and her parents helping her. Like im glad she has that but i want that too u know. Anyways sorry if im ranting too much i just meant like i get it :/ 

i mean i’ve given up on dreaming and hoping and thinking of having a future but like sometimes i do think what my life would be if things would be different and like 

i just i don’t know what i did wrong

why did i turn out like this?

why couldn’t i be normal?

oh well..

another thing i gotta avoid to not trigger emotions that’s cool

just add it to the list

and if my writing style seems different rn then yes it probably is because i adopted yet another personality but i’ll be myself (though that’s not really a thing) soon probably 

and now i feel bad about just yapping because it wasn’t anything to really complain about and yes i do have standards to determine whether my thoughts and feelings are valid or not and yeah i’ll just shut up and go and regret.

sorry eyes i think i’m allergic to good vibes :’) 

i get startled *so* easily. and i absolutely hate it. i never do anything with my back facing the door. i always have my blinds down, except for when mom wants my room to have sunlight. fair i guess but still no. i get startled by the littlest of noises or when someone approaches me from behind without me noticing. they’re literally like mini heart attacks. or when i see something in the dark, or, well, think i see something in the dark, i have a chill running down my spine. it’s like i’m living in constant fear, but i don’t even have a reason really. just another fun thing about being me. 

tw?

we’re driving and i have to finish the amigurumi plush because it’s a gift to the person who’s house we’re driving to but i’m also getting nauseous and the road’s anything but straight and to top it off, that’s the only gift we have so if i don’t finish it we’ll show up without a gift

what am i supposed to do

good eva another promise you made but can’t fulfill

no i can’t i get too nauseous i can’t ***