Eva’s Crazy Mind

in fact, she knows exactly how i feel about it. she *** knows. i told her, she heard it. she *** knows. and she still doesn’t give a ***. 

i come home, and she hits me with a “i’ll offer either friday or saturday for the meetup”. 

the meetup i wasn’t told about. 

i thought she dropped that *** after i told her. i’m an idiot, of course she didn’t 

she’s un***believable

i’m gonna snap. i’m gonna *** snap. 

that object looking real *** tempting right now. 

it’s not trust you need to be afraid of. it’s attachment that’ll get you hurt. 

though trust can be the beginning of attachment. 

half an hour until the mom-teacher-me meeting. i- don’t even want to think about it. 

that uncomfortable anxious feeling. 

here goes nothing (fidgeting my heart out on that ring)

i cried. 

i tried so hard not to but then they asked if i knew what i wanted to do after 9th and i wanted to say “die” but of course i couldn’t and then i broke and i just cried

and then i apologised with a really *** shaky voice and laughed at it which didn’t help

i tried so hard not to cry, fidgeting with my ring, pushing my nails in my skin, any distraction possible but nothing helped 

i tried not to listen whenever they mentioned 9th grade or my future but that’s all it was about

god i’m so stupid

this entire thing is so *** stupid

can’t *** wait to die

it’s heavy.

and i’m exhausted. 

so close to collapsing.

at night, in the dark room, i always feel like someone’s watching me. like someone would open the door as soon as i look away. we won’t even talk about the windows.

and music doesn’t help with that. i just.. have to ignore it. but still keep an eye of the door because i can’t ignore it enough. 

4am. 

is he alive?

every scar on my arm is a physical reminder of how *** up i really am. 

to mom, probably

you took away my sleeves, not my scars.

just a little insane. 

every time i yawn, i pretend i’m silently screaming.

death’s taking it’s sweet time coming to me. i’ve been waiting for quite a while. 

not enough not enough not enough 

never been never will be.

isn’t it kinda scary that if something happened to you your online friends would never know about it

@justmeeva (its scary for me that if something happened to you i would never know) 

@unassumingEyes

(scary for me too.)

yes my thoughts are all over the place. 

it’s far from everything that’s on my mind tho. 

i feel like i might just fall asleep without choosing to about any minute even though i’m not tired