Eva’s Crazy Mind

last active in may..? but- we last talked in march, a few days over 2 months ago..? and i’ve left multiple little messages over the time.. that are just laying there.. ..what…?

she asked if i would show her. just *** leave me alone. 

i just don’t fit in this world. 

well duo, you’re the only one then 💀🫡

so i have this plan to stay up all night bc yk why not but then again i’ve had this thought many nights before and it hasn’t worked out so we’ll see how it’s gonna go. 10pm rn. this isn’t even the start yet. 

ok that was terrifying. 

i don’t think i can ever close my eyes again <3

why, brain? why do you show those horrible things to me?

fun thing is, i’m tired. my eyes are barely open.

i fell asleep :/

so much time wasted. 

home study day. it’s 10:24am and it’s already not working out xD

i’m so *** stupid xD

i’m literally just sitting here, doing nothing, completely aware that i’m doing nothing, but i can’t do anything about it xD why? i dont *** know xD

and that happens  e v e r y   t i m e  i have an independent study day literally nothing ever changes. xD

eva, no. 

but it’s so tempt- 

no.

but- 

no. 

just made a 30sec song lmao

listening to it over and over again because honestly it’s the mood rn xD

i’m gonna attempt to study because it’s 3:15pm and i haven’t done a single useful thing so uh good luck me

my little sister has a friend over. gotta mute out their laughs and talks bc it hurts. 

overwhelmed overwhelmed overwhelmed

so basically i’m really, really mentally exhausted right now, it’s 5:55pm and i haven’t done a single thing out of the kinda time consuming assignments i was supposed to do, i’m overwhelmed, i wanna give up and kinda already have, i.. yeah. exhausted. 

@justmeeva

*sends love and strength* 💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

*accepts love and strength and sends cookies and hugs back* thank you 💕

@justmeeva

*noms cookies and hugs back* 

eva i was gonna say noms hugs and cookies back 🤔 no lie 😭

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

oh, uh.. that’s.. another way..? 😬 /lh lol

@justmeeva

idk 😭😭😭 im so weird 🤣

suck it up eva.

let go of this feeling and go back to normal. your normal self. your usual self. you know what i mean. 

oh beautiful poison tree 

please take me away from here..

tired. 

any dinosaurs who want to exist? we can switch

so in short, i can’t do it. 

my head hurts from this ***. 

she said that i “just spend all my days doing nothing by choice”. that i “just self sabotage”. mhm mom. mhm. 

“i won’t let you be stupid. 

like they do it in the rest of the world”. 

i-

and guess what, she asked about my arms again. ha, isn’t that funny?

“you’re just living in that bed” she said. a symptom of depression? nuh uh! i’m just lazy (:

mom: “do you need help with the school work?” 

me: *nods slightly* 

mom: *lectures about how she’s so tired (lol.), would rather sleep (ah sleep, that funny thing.) than deal with me, that she had a hard day (yes me too except my reasons aren’t valid) and how i just do nothing all day and then complain once she’s home (as if it was just that)* 

me: “nevermind, i don’t need help.” 

mom: *offended* *sits by me and basically forces her help on me (xD) so i go nonresponsive mode because all my responses would’ve been “talking back”* *starts blaming me for additional stuff bc why not* *finally leaves after saying the things i poster above* 

<3 <3 <3

i’m sorry for coping “like the rest of the world”. i’m sorry for struggling in the first place, “like the rest of the world”. or pretending to struggle, would that be more fair? i’m sorry for “just doing what the rest of the world does because it’s trendy“. i’m sorry for doing absolutely everything wrong. i’m really sorry. 

i’m sorry that my ways of survival are wrong, because life clearly isn’t that bad, i just choose to ignore the good things and make it worse for myself! :D