Eva’s Crazy Mind

okay, one last try. if i *** it up i’ll shut up. 

managed to finish that just in time. gtg now. 

i’m alive. 

i’m still *** alive. 

i didn’t even get to do anything. 

they always had me around and i couldn’t do anything. 

and now i’m home. where i’m never alone. there’s always someone here. my siblings. my mom. 

i was supposed to die today. 

@justmeeva

Maybe you werent.

eva...? 

@unassumingEyes 

i was. i was and i should have. i *** should have. 

@justmeeva

I cant agree with that, but im here either way 🤍

@unassumingEyes 

thank you. <3

and i couldn’t even do that.  

i’m the most useless *** person ever. 

and now i have to deal with *** mom and school and everything. 

i’m so *** done. 

i can’t rn gonna go. 

mom came home. watch her shout at me for being me in a min. 

let the fun begin. 

there she went lmao

*** five minutes later she’s just that *** predictable lmao

my stupid self now crying that she’s not around

gtg bye

gotta cover my arms somehow now

i shouldn’t be breathing right now. 

and there was my mom playing the victim to top everything off. as *** always. 

2am. turns out i’m going to sleep afterall. i planned to stay up all night but i’ll just wake up in 4 hours (waking up early has never worked for me lmao).

that's it.

tw.

my mom woke me up, and when she came back (15min before we should get in the car), i was sitting on my bed. she closed the door and came over to me. she asked what was wrong. i couldn't get a word out of my mouth for a minute. then i said ''i'm not going to school''. she asked why. i had a million thoughts, a million reasons. but i couldn't say anything again. i didn't know which reason to choose. i didn't know how to say it. then she asked ''is it the teachers, or the students?'', i shrugged. none and both. i said ''both''. i was already in flowing tears by then. she asked again, why. i said i didn't wanna go. i know it sounded stupid to her, but it wasn't that i just didn't wanna go. it was so much more than that. so much deeper. then i said ''i've fallen behind, i don't have my homework done,'' and then i stopped talking again. she asked ''why'd you let this happen?''. i stayed silent. then she said ''how about i let you stay home today, you'll finish all the assignments and go to school tomorrow?''. i shook my head slightly. she said ''oh come on, you have to do them one way or another''. more silence, more tears. she gave me one day to finish all those overdue assignments. if it were that easy, i would've done it already. but she also gave me one day to fix my mental health. one day to fix my undiagnosed depression of soon to be 1 year. one day to stop being suicidal after almost committing the day before. one day to make all my problems go away. one day. but she didn't know what all she was asking for. because she thought it was just the assignments. little did she know, it was only one small part of the whole thing. little did she know, i'm not going to school tomorrow either. little did she know, i won't change in one day. or week. or month. little did she know i'd rather be dead than try to fix anything anymore. little did she know. then she told me that i deserved better than this. sounds good right? she cares about me. but then she said ''you're doing this to yourself''. i'm sorry, what? i pushed my nails to my skin so i wouldn't punch her in the face. just so you know, mom. i don't choose to be like this. i don't choose to struggle with my mental health. i don't choose to do *** in school. i don't choose to have the problems that i have. i don't choose to hate myself so much that looking at myself in the mirror hurts. i don't choose to be the me i am. but i can't do anything about it either. if only you understood. if only you tried to understand. if only i could speak. if only.

@justmeeva 

Im glad she gave you a day.

But i get why that couldnt ever be enough

@unassumingEyes

mmm definitely me agrees 😔

admitting i’m doing bad means it’s already way past just “bad”.

“too sad to be normal but not sad enough to be counted as mentally ill”.

numb but also not at the same time. 

i’m so *** detached from the world and my life that if i died i doubt i’d even *** notice

like i literally wouldn’t even realise it. 

i’ve done nothing useful today. 

this one thought that’s been on my mind for the whole day. but i think it’s too much, even for this thread lol. mm.

@justmeeva

*if this feels random/weird/uncomfy then feel free to ignore what i’ve written here, no pressure to read/reply* im sorry 😅

(perhaps eva beanie can make an extra diary thread for other topics/those topics? and maybe ask for no replies in that thread/whatever your comfy with…? idk just an idea. 

me thinks since this is your diary space you should be allowed to express yourself freely and without judgement friend. 🥺 …at least that’s how it should be. it’s your diary space. <3)