Eva’s Crazy Mind
i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows.
i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.
best wishes to you. ❤️
it’s been about 2 hours. 2 hours i could’ve spent doing something useful. 2 hours gone to waste. and this is ‘just the beginning’.
“i’m just trying to make it to tomorrow wishing i didn’t have to”
-a tiny piece of a monologue i just had in my head
tw.
you know what, i’m kinda done with everything. just when you think things couldn’t possibly get worse, something *** does. “it’s gonna get better” everyone says. when? when? i’m sick of waiting because it’s obvious nothing will get *** better. it’s not a guess, it’s a fact. i didn’t use to think like this but it’s been proven enough times for me to understand that nothing’s gonna change for the better. i get it, okay? god, sometimes it feels like the world’s just throwing this *** at me to get rid of me faster. idk, maybe it’s working. keep doing this and maybe one day i really will go. that’s what you want, isn’t it? *** life.
@justmeeva life is crap. I get it. I've been through a lot of S**t in my life. I get what it feels like to be on absolute rock bottom. your there. you just cant find the will to get up and move forward. you want things to change. sometimes you have to change yourself for things to get better. sometimes you have to just wait for others to change. I get the feeling it might be both here. you have baggage that because your posts are pretty random I don't totally understand whats going on. but thats okay. ik this space is a place for you to rant and not anyone has to understand. ik me coming on here every now and then technically isn't an invasion of privacy but I get the feeling you want help, but feel like because this is all online there's not much we can help with. I think what you don't understand is that we CAN help. we WILL help. its just YOU are the one who has to make the change...and help yourself. people cant save other peoples emotional well being. but people can support a person while they help themselves. like I said please learn to love yourself. you deserve that. you deserve love and to be happy. god loves you very much.i know how it feels to have him be silent but I promise you humbly come unto him and he will make himself known to you.
@EmmyMarie06
i don’t know how to help myself. i don’t know how to change. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how much longer until i give up completely. i know i have some absolutely wonderful people here, and i couldn’t be more thankful for having them, but i can’t help but feel hopeless sometimes, like nobody understands which isn’t anyone’s fault, i myself don’t always understand some things about me, but i’ve been searching for answers for so long, and since i don’t have them, i hope that someone does, and nobody seems to. i can’t expect you or my other teen cups friends to have those answers, of course not, but a part of me is hoping that life will give me those answers, lead me to someone or something that knows, so i’m waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting… but so far - nothing. i just don’t know how much longer i can wait. but it seems to be the only thing i can do - wait. i’m not blaming anyone for not understanding some things, that is okay. i’m glad to have those people around me, i swear. i’m just tired of waiting.
you know, i used to have this list. it was a list of reasons to live. it was made quite some time ago. i opened it again one night. i looked at it, and one by one, i started crossing them out. i meant it. they weren’t reasons to live anymore. i soon realised, i had crossed them all out. i stared at it. i started to try and figure out new reasons, at least something… - nothing. not a single thing i could figure out, that would seem worth it. so my question still remains - why keep going?
12am. let’s try again this thing called studying. then we can at least say we tried.
or not. lol. i decided that i’m ready enough for the math test (probably won’t think so tomorrow), that the overdue stuff can remain overdue just one more day and i’ll try to work on them tomorrow, and for the english homework.. hopefully the teacher will understand. 👍.
(i’m such a horrible student and i’m so sure that one teacher who i owe 2 overdue assignments (one of them might be literally like over a month overdue) is gonna “remind” me that i still haven’t handed in the work. but it’s my fault so who am i to complain here.)
@justmeeva
can me ask eva buddy, if there’s a way to find a tutor or academy to help?/ nfta
Sometimes teachers are not very good, or are good for only specific students, and self study can be very hard
even if you don’t have trouble with understanding and just with learning, some teachers can help with that/no pressure
@unassumingEyes
hmm idek. i shouldn’t even have any trouble, it’s homework, everyone has it and everyone manages it somehow. why can’t i all of a sudden? i think about 80% of my time is school already, i feel like i’d just start crying whenever i’d try to say anything because i tend to do that when there’s even just a little stress in me :p
my teachers are pretty good, i get along with them more than most do so that’s not really the issue, i’m just so late with the assignments that even they are starting to get annoyed and mad :’)
it’s a good idea theoretically, but.. idk. i think i’ll try to manage on my own. somehow.
@justmeeva
The thing is, everyone’s brains work differently, so we learn in different ways. You might have the kindest, gentlest, most experienced teachers, and you may struggle to learn in their class, while everyone else doesn’t. Other teachers or tutors might be able to help you better, they might not. Our brains are weird like that.
As we can’t know for sure whether or not a tutor would help, I won’t go all, “Oh no try this you should try blablabla” just now. The method doesn’t matter, so long as you learn to learn comfortably :p hopefully, someday, we all will <3
Hi @justmeeva, I just wanted to express my admiration for your courage in sharing the more difficult parts of your life, whether they are temporary or have been there for a while. I have read a few of your posts and it feels like you're expressing my own thoughts. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in experiencing these 'dark' moments. It means a lot."s
i have like 30+ minutes free time from class now.
nvm, me and a few others got some worksheets we would do in next class so we might get to leave school earlier thanks to that
@justmeeva is that good? Leaving early?
@unassumingEyes
i’d say yes. but… there is a chance i might have to stay here after school because of our minibusiness. istg if on that one day i have a chance to leave so early, i have to stay here after…
