Eva’s Crazy Mind

time goes by. second by second. minute by minute. and i’m just sitting here, unable to get myself to do anything. 

basically gave up. 

it’s been about 2 hours. 2 hours i could’ve spent doing something useful. 2 hours gone to waste. and this is ‘just the beginning’.

“i’m just trying to make it to tomorrow wishing i didn’t have to”

-a tiny piece of a monologue i just had in my head 

oh i’m done with my sister. really *** done. 

tw.

you know what, i’m kinda done with everything. just when you think things couldn’t possibly get worse, something *** does. “it’s gonna get better” everyone says. when? when? i’m sick of waiting because it’s obvious nothing will get *** better. it’s not a guess, it’s a fact. i didn’t use to think like this but it’s been proven enough times for me to understand that nothing’s gonna change for the better. i get it, okay? god, sometimes it feels like the world’s just throwing this *** at me to get rid of me faster. idk, maybe it’s working. keep doing this and maybe one day i really will go. that’s what you want, isn’t it? *** life. 

@justmeeva      life is crap. I get it. I've been through a lot of S**t in my life. I get what it feels like to be on absolute rock bottom. your there. you just cant find the will to get up and move forward. you want things to change. sometimes you have to change yourself for things to get better. sometimes you have to just wait for others to change. I get the feeling it might be both here. you have baggage that because your posts are pretty random I don't totally understand whats going on. but thats okay. ik this space is a place for you to rant and not anyone has to understand. ik me coming on here every now and then technically isn't an invasion of privacy but I get the feeling you want help, but feel like because this is all online there's not much we can help with. I think what you don't understand is that we CAN help. we WILL help. its just YOU are the one who has to make the change...and help yourself. people cant save other peoples emotional well being. but people can support a person while they help themselves. like I said please learn to love yourself. you deserve that. you deserve love and to be happy. god loves you very much.i know how it feels to have him be silent but I promise you humbly come unto him and he will make himself known to you. 

@EmmyMarie06 

i don’t know how to help myself. i don’t know how to change. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how much longer until i give up completely. i know i have some absolutely wonderful people here, and i couldn’t be more thankful for having them, but i can’t help but feel hopeless sometimes, like nobody understands which isn’t anyone’s fault, i myself don’t always understand some things about me,  but i’ve been searching for answers for so long, and since i don’t have them, i hope that someone does, and nobody seems to.  i can’t expect you or my other teen cups friends to have those answers, of course not, but a part of me is hoping that life will give me those answers, lead me to someone or something that knows, so i’m waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting… but so far - nothing. i just don’t know how much longer i can wait. but it seems to be the only thing i can do - wait. i’m not blaming anyone for not understanding some things, that is okay. i’m glad to have those people around me, i swear. i’m just tired of waiting. 

@justmeeva    you have no idea how heavily I relate to this. just until recently (and still kinda) I feel so helpless. I feel like there's nothing I can do till I move out after my senior year next year. I thought that I wasn't the one who needed to change. honestly I'm wondering if you would be open to telling me whats going on. I feel very sure that I could give you some direction and guidance. I've helped some insane cases before. as a person who I heavily relate with, not just this but so many of the things you say, I think I could help you. I felt the exact same as you starting from age 13 till a little while after I turned 17. if you would like to make a forum just for you and I, that would be okay. I know we probably have very different situations but I've been through a lot, and I'm aware that I'm wize for my years lol. but that's only cause what I've been through forced me to mature quicker. but at the same time Ive still got those teenage perks....like a messy room lol. 

also, please don't give up hope. giving up all hope leads you down dark roads. find something you really believe in. don't be afraid to hope. sometimes I have to remind myself to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. hope is what gives life that flare. you need that flare. I know I'm hardly much older than you, but your still too young to give up just yet. 

@EmmyMarie06 

the first part - desperately waiting to move out - i relate to that so much. i feel like i’ll be able to start a new life, make better decisions, have more control once i move out. but also.. i’m just 14. i don’t even know if i can wait at least 4 years. 4  y e a r s. that’s a long time. 

idek if you could help me. i’m not sure if anyone can. the majority of my problems is mental health related, but in a way that people don’t understand. neither do i really. and i don’t expect them to understand. or maybe i can’t explain. anyway, i think it would be pointless. there’s no ‘fixing’ me. if even i can’t, how could anyone else? i’m the only one who should be able to do that, and i can’t. i don’t really think you can do anything, not anymore. 

i could say ‘my problems started’ at the age of 13 as well.. does that mean i’m gonna be like this for years more..? because if that’s so, i can’t do it. it’s not worth it. i can’t just ‘go through it’. no. 

hehe i’m afraid i already have given up on hope. it does come back sometimes, sometimes, but then.. it goes away again. i can’t seem to keep anything, let alone anyone. in fact i’ve lost hope to the point where i can’t imagine myself having a future. no matter how hard i try to visualise something, there’s nothing for me. i have nothing to look forward to, i have no dreams anymore (which is kinda ironic because “(day)dreamer” used to be the first word i would use to describe myself), i have no plans for my future whatsoever. maybe there just isn’t any hope for me, it would make sense. 

(i’m sorry if i’m looking rude or ungrateful or anything, it’s just night so my brain’s all.. a bad place, and things are going downhill again as usual. you’re not doing anything wrong, and i appreciate you a lot)

@justmeeva    yea. I really get it. I know I'm gonna have more control over my life when I move out. my parents cant dictate my every move in life anymore. it will just be me, my boyfriend, his family, and ofc my family but yk, its gonna be different yk? sometimes some people go out into the world utterly unprepared and just fail. then some people like us go out, and of course we are still gonna fail but we are just better out there yk?

also, I can't fix you. your aware you can only fix you. but girl, your 14. alone your not going to be able to fix yourself. honestly no one can fix themselves. its been a long hard road even just figuring out by myself what needs to be one. its a miracle I figured out how to do it. and applying it has been rough. recently I had to go to my parents to ask if I could be medicated for anxiety and depression, and there's still so much more I need to do before I'm "fixed"

point of all that is: its possible. I'm a person who is very insightful and knows how to help other people. it is possible your mental state is like a twisted, knotted bundle of yarn, but sorting through your emotions one by one can untangle it. I can help. if you let me. Eva. can we at least try?

I feel in my gut, deep in my soul that I need to help you for some reason. that could just be me and motherly instincts or something, or it could be something else entirely. all I know is that I relate to you SO MUCH. and that very reason is why I think I can help you. or at the very least give you advice and continue to support you throughout your journey. sometimes you just gotta try things to matter how hopeless things may seem. because when you hit rock bottom, and you try just one thing to try to help yourself....that's the first step to getting back up. yes its unpredictable. yes its scary. but the only time you learn, or get better, or just take a step forward is that moment when you just try. :)

@EmmyMarie06

sure, what’s some more trying gonna hurt. not going to promise it’ll do anything but we can try. it might take some time tho. like.. a lot of time..

all alone. 

you know, i used to have this list. it was a list of reasons to live. it was made quite some time ago. i opened it again one night. i looked at it, and one by one, i started crossing them out. i meant it. they weren’t reasons to live anymore. i soon realised, i had crossed them all out. i stared at it. i started to try and figure out new reasons, at least something… - nothing. not a single thing i could figure out, that would seem worth it. so my question still remains - why keep going?

12am. let’s try again this thing called studying. then we can at least say we tried. 

or not. lol. i decided that i’m ready enough for the math test (probably won’t think so tomorrow), that the overdue stuff can remain overdue just one more day and i’ll try to work on them tomorrow, and for the english homework.. hopefully the teacher will understand. 👍.

(i’m such a horrible student and i’m so sure that one teacher who i owe 2 overdue assignments (one of them might be literally like over a month overdue) is gonna “remind” me that i still haven’t handed in the work. but it’s my fault so who am i to complain here.)

@justmeeva

can me ask eva buddy, if there’s a way to find a tutor or academy to help?/ nfta

Sometimes teachers are not very good, or are good for only specific students, and self study can be very hard

even if you don’t have trouble with understanding and just with learning, some teachers can help with that/no pressure

@unassumingEyes 

hmm idek. i shouldn’t even have any trouble, it’s homework, everyone has it and everyone manages it somehow. why can’t i all of a sudden? i think about 80% of my time is school already, i feel like i’d just start crying whenever i’d try to say anything because i tend to do that when there’s even just a little stress in me :p 

my teachers are pretty good, i get along with them more than most do so that’s not really the issue, i’m just so late with the assignments that even they are starting to get annoyed and mad :’)

it’s a good idea theoretically, but.. idk. i think i’ll try to manage on my own. somehow. 

@justmeeva

The thing is, everyone’s brains work differently, so we learn in different ways. You might have the kindest, gentlest, most experienced teachers, and you may struggle to learn in their class, while everyone else doesn’t. Other teachers or tutors might be able to help you better, they might not. Our brains are weird like that.

As we can’t know for sure whether or not a tutor would help, I won’t go all, “Oh no try this you should try blablabla” just now. The method doesn’t matter, so long as you learn to learn comfortably :p hopefully, someday, we all will <3

Hi @justmeeva, I just wanted to express my admiration for your courage in sharing the more difficult parts of your life, whether they are temporary or have been there for a while. I have read a few of your posts and it feels like you're expressing my own thoughts. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in experiencing these 'dark' moments. It means a lot."s

@CHESHIREcat24 

i didn’t think this place would help anyone, that’s pretty cool hehe. i wish you strength for the darker moments, they’ll pass 💕

i have like 30+ minutes free time from class now. 

nvm, me and a few others got some worksheets we would do in next class so we might get to leave school earlier thanks to that 

@justmeeva is that good? Leaving early?

@unassumingEyes 

i’d say yes. but… there is a chance i might have to stay here after school because of our minibusiness. istg if on that one day i have a chance to leave so early, i have to stay here after…

i literally almost had to stay after classes for multiple hours as the only one from my team bc they all left, but luckily i got to leave too. 

so many changes in so little time. 

i managed to drop some tears after what felt like quite some time. 

and i almost felt something. almost..

not mad, just confused. 

“realising you weren’t better, you were just distracted” ….. :’)

so uh.. yeah. 

i’ve been ‘away’ for so long. for weeks, maybe even a month or a few, i’ve been detached from the world. it sucks, might not sound that bad, but it is. 

*me to.. me.* 

“i don’t wanna be you anymore”~

why’s my mind so quiet tonight? like helloo, it’s night… i’m starting to create those thoughts, but like not in a way that i want to return to that bad place and feel *** but also kinda..? because i’m used to it..? i’m so *** weird. 

ohhh i know what i’m gonna do

which i’m gonna absolutely regret but c’mon it’s a good time for that right now and it’s only gonna destroy my mental health more later.. but that’s later so i’m good for tonight. (i’m so stupid lmao.)

oop nvm, guess not lol. 

distractions distractions distractions i need distractions