@iloveyouxx
yeah, it has been long :’) and i’m a big reason why it has been so long. i’ve thought about explaining and talking to you again so many times, but then brain and overthinking just said no. i’m sorry <3 i could give you a long explanation and apology that’s laying at the back of my mind but i feel like that would be overly unnecessary and dramatic- but my thoughts and view of you never ever changed. i still considered you my friend even though i wasn’t there for you much (at all- other than the upvotes but yk they don’t do much). but i was (am) still happy to see you and happy to talk to you and happy you’re here and happy to have you 💗
*deletes because it’s so long and messy and confusing and i don’t know how to explain and then rewrites an explanation just as long and messy and confusing :p*
i’m not sure what it is. i don’t know how to explain it. but i’ll try. so whenever there’s any good or happy emotion or moment or anything that could potentially become a good memory, i have to ignore it and get it out of my head. good memories for me aren’t good. they hurt. when looking at old pictures, reading old messages etc, something reminding me of good times, i can’t look at it and smile and feel good about it. it hurts. maybe it’s because happiness is so rare for me now. it’s almost like if i’m happy then i have to be happy at all times because once i’m not, i kind of just remember how lonely and uhm unhappy i am. (tw) good memories become flashbacks and if i let them get to me, i get.. ahem.. urges. because they hurt to remember. it’s so much more complicated than that somehow, but i guess that’s the best way to explain it. :’)