Eva’s Crazy Mind
i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows.
i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.
best wishes to you. ❤️
tw.
and it was fun. i smiled and it was genuine. i raced with a smaller grade girl. i got a compliment from some small grade girl. i felt pretty good most of the time. sounds good right? it should be the “yay” kind of news right? nope. not when it comes to me. to me it just means that i’m one step closer to a relapse. it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, i know, but it’s true. unfortunate, isn’t it.
still not good enough for mom.
i got so much care from the teachers tho, since my face went red like a *** tomato bc of the sun and heat and everything. they constantly asked if i was feeling okay, if my head was spinning or if i felt uh unwell, i got 2 ice creams instead of one like the others (💅 /j) because we kinda celebrated-ish and the teachers were really proud of me fsr.
*** i’m smiling when i think of today. can’t. gotta bring the mood down again with music or smt.
@justmeeva
eva🩷we haven’t talked in so long- I won’t say too much just so you don’t feel pressured to be all lighthearted when you don’t feel like it🩷I notice a lot of posts like these in yur thread and I was wondering why- I’m not gonna say you can be happy if you wanted to because I know it’s obv- not that simple-💜but can I ask why or what makes yu think like this🤍? I’m just kinda curious honestly and I wanna be able to understand💜but no pressure at all. <3
(if yu don’t feel like replying now that’s okay.)
@iloveyouxx
i’ll come back a little later, going off cups completely right now (nothing serious-) <33
@justmeeva
awwe. hehe you felt the need to tell me that before you had to go💕I make big things out of small situations. but thankyu for telling me <3 if yur brain decides to start telling yu any mean thoughts just :p don’t think :p that’s what I learned :> (don’t take my advice :>) I love you./gen take care. <33🩷
@iloveyouxx
yeah, it has been long :’) and i’m a big reason why it has been so long. i’ve thought about explaining and talking to you again so many times, but then brain and overthinking just said no. i’m sorry <3 i could give you a long explanation and apology that’s laying at the back of my mind but i feel like that would be overly unnecessary and dramatic- but my thoughts and view of you never ever changed. i still considered you my friend even though i wasn’t there for you much (at all- other than the upvotes but yk they don’t do much). but i was (am) still happy to see you and happy to talk to you and happy you’re here and happy to have you 💗
*deletes because it’s so long and messy and confusing and i don’t know how to explain and then rewrites an explanation just as long and messy and confusing :p*
i’m not sure what it is. i don’t know how to explain it. but i’ll try. so whenever there’s any good or happy emotion or moment or anything that could potentially become a good memory, i have to ignore it and get it out of my head. good memories for me aren’t good. they hurt. when looking at old pictures, reading old messages etc, something reminding me of good times, i can’t look at it and smile and feel good about it. it hurts. maybe it’s because happiness is so rare for me now. it’s almost like if i’m happy then i have to be happy at all times because once i’m not, i kind of just remember how lonely and uhm unhappy i am. (tw) good memories become flashbacks and if i let them get to me, i get.. ahem.. urges. because they hurt to remember. it’s so much more complicated than that somehow, but i guess that’s the best way to explain it. :’)
isn’t it just so *** funny that i can’t be okay because it would just make me really not okay later? so *** funny.
