Eva’s Crazy Mind

my legs are shaking a little too (we raced to the door at the end of our walk)

my dad’s nice. he cares, about me, my siblings, mom even though they’re not together anymore, he wants to have fun with us and do cool things, he wants us to get along and be alright. he would care if i ____.

that was one of the most disturbing things my brain has ever showed me. 

i feel like they’re looking at me. 

talking about me. 

judging me. 

(2 random boys standing near but not that near me)

ok they left good. 

so basically ***

we had a sport’s day today. we arranged it as a school project. the whole school was there. 

tw.

and it was fun. i smiled and it was genuine. i raced with a smaller grade girl. i got a compliment from some small grade girl. i felt pretty good most of the time. sounds good right? it should be the “yay” kind of news right? nope. not when it comes to me. to me it just means that i’m one step closer to a relapse. it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, i know, but it’s true. unfortunate, isn’t it. 

7 hours in straight sun with 25°C (77°F). 

(or more because apparently it’s 29°C rn-)

still not good enough for mom. 

i got so much care from the teachers tho, since my face went red like a *** tomato bc of the sun and heat and everything. they constantly asked if i was feeling okay, if my head was spinning or if i felt uh unwell, i got 2 ice creams instead of one like the others (💅 /j) because we kinda celebrated-ish and the teachers were really proud of me fsr. 

*** i’m smiling when i think of today. can’t. gotta bring the mood down again with music or smt. 

@justmeeva

_{eva🩷we haven’t talked in so long- I won’t say too much just so you don’t feel pressured to be all lighthearted when you don’t feel like it🩷I notice a lot of posts like these in yur thread and I was wondering why- I’m not gonna say you can be happy if you wanted to because I know it’s obv- not that simple-💜but can I ask why or what makes yu think like this🤍? I’m just kinda curious honestly and I wanna be able to understand💜but no pressure at all. <3}

_{(if yu don’t feel like replying now that’s okay.)}

@iloveyouxx 

i’ll come back a little later, going off cups completely right now (nothing serious-) <33

@justmeeva

awwe. hehe you felt the need to tell me that before you had to go💕I make big things out of small situations. but thankyu for telling me <3 if yur brain decides to start telling yu any mean thoughts just :p don’t think :p that’s what I learned :> (don’t take my advice :>) I love you./gen take care. <33🩷

@iloveyouxx 

yeah, it has been long :’) and i’m a big reason why it has been so long. i’ve thought about explaining and talking to you again so many times, but then brain and overthinking just said no. i’m sorry <3 i could give you a long explanation and apology that’s laying at the back of my mind but i feel like that would be overly unnecessary and dramatic- but my thoughts and view of you never ever changed. i still considered you my friend even though i wasn’t there for you much (at all- other than the upvotes but yk they don’t do much). but i was (am) still happy to see you and happy to talk to you and happy you’re here and happy to have you 💗

*deletes because it’s so long and messy and confusing and i don’t know how to explain and then rewrites an explanation just as long and messy and confusing :p*

i’m not sure what it is. i don’t know how to explain it. but i’ll try. so whenever there’s any good or happy emotion or moment or anything that could potentially become a good memory, i have to ignore it and get it out of my head. good memories for me aren’t good. they hurt. when looking at old pictures, reading old messages etc, something reminding me of good times, i can’t look at it and smile and feel good about it. it hurts. maybe it’s because happiness is so rare for me now. it’s almost like if i’m happy then i have to be happy at all times because once i’m not, i kind of just remember how lonely and uhm unhappy i am. (tw) good memories become flashbacks and if i let them get to me, i get.. ahem.. urges. because they hurt to remember. it’s so much more complicated than that somehow, but i guess that’s the best way to explain it. :’)

isn’t it just so *** funny that i can’t be okay because it would just make me really not okay later? so *** funny. 

so in a way, mom’s right. i do keep my mood like that on purpose. but that’s not the whole story. 

*completely mesmerised by the clouds again*

clouds are the heaven of the earth i swear

pictures can’t capture the way they look so powerful and just- wow. 

mom: “are you talking to someone on that phone?” 

me: “no-?”

mom: “are you sure? you’re always on that phone, taking pictures and so on” (she referred to the way i took pictures of the clouds earlier- what the *** mom- who tf would i take cloud pics for-)

me: “yes” 

mom: “can i trust you? or do i have to check your phone”

me: “..- yes you can-“ 

mom: *sceptical but leaves eventually* 

…- 

literally ŵtf. 

@justmeeva why would it be so wrong for you to be talking to someone on the phone…?/nfta

@unassumingEyes 

idk. idk what she meant or what she “suspected”. i literally don’t know.

@justmeeva hmmm :/

but hey at least the mood’s back down. 

*** everything

*** mom

hands are shaking and tears are falling 

“if those sleeves don’t come off in a week i’m going to search for someone’s help”

“do you know what they do to people who are a danger to themselves? they’re put in a madhouse”

“you don’t even do anything to help yourself”

“be honest, did you wear those long sleeves yesterday for attention?”