Eva’s Crazy Mind

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

“think and write up what you want to do in the future and why.”

you’re *** kidding me right? tf am i supposed to say? “die”? my plan? *** “nothing”? 

well ***-

i want to cry. 

or scream. 

or die. 

or straight up say “i don’t plan on having a future thank you very much”.

*** ***.

i can’t feel my heartbeat. 

am i alive?

it’s not there

but i’m still breathing

so that means i’m alive, right?

right?

though, i wouldn’t mind it if not.

tw.

“i believe i can fly

do you know why?

cause i’ve got a gun

and i’ve got a wish

and that is

to die”

the amount of times i’ve km$ in my head. 

white text is usually tw btw. 

and yes i’m safe. the physical me is at least. 

she draws suns but they’re hidden.

flowers but they’re wilted. 

hearts but they’re broken. 

that laughing crying cause life’s absurd sometimes

yeah that’s me right now, a little

i don’t know how it works in other schools or other countries, but in my school there are those student-teacher talks at the end (i think) of every semester that’s like reflection and *** and there’s always 2 days specifically for those meetups where you just go to school at a specific time and they last about an hour. start and end of school year are usually student-parent-teacher, middle of school year is student(s)-teacher. 

that’s just for context. 

we had those today and on monday. mine’s on monday. i already know it’s gonna go so ***. i’m gonna have to tell a bunch of lies and just make something up. i don’t know what or how much i’m gonna tell. how much truth. i don’t know. 

that same week, on 2 days, we’ll practice the talks for when you move to 10th grade, all those acceptance talks and whatever. i don’t know *** about anything after 9th.

i don’t even know my options. i don’t know any other schools besides mine. man i’m not even going to 9th what do i tell them about where i want to continue. do i make something up? just- pick a random school and say “oh yeah that’s my dream”? 

*sigh*. 

let’s be honest, i’m ***. 

and i’m probably gonna cry. 

i just love life <3.

oh, and we’re going to dad’s for the weekend. one weekend’s mom’s, the next dad’s, etc. he still has no idea about my, uh, situation. and it’s good. i don’t want our relationship to change in any way. he can’t know.

i hope we’re staying at his place. that would mean just me and siblings, and him. alternative choice is that we go to grandparents’, which means like, at least 4 more people. at least. i can’t do people right now. even if they’re nice, i can’t. if it were my choice, i’d stay home completely. but that wouldn’t be fair to dad. he wants to spend time with us, with me. 

*sigh*.

oh, and..

they’re (they, not we) going to a spa/waterpark next week too. i skipped it last time aswell. i already know that one girl is gonna ask or confront me about it.

just *** life like genuinely 

oh wait, there’s more- 

i have to write an essay sometime next week, after classes. after the acceptance talks. so i also can’t pretend to be sick and not attend those, and then go to do that essay after school.

that essay. one that i could literally only write a headline to, which was given to us. 45 minutes. nothing. i’m not gonna be able to do that. i’m not. 

well too *** bad isn’t it.

i’m gonna go, gotta bring the mood down (more) and distract. 

i’m really, really uncomfortable now. thanks.

probably won’t show myself downstairs again. 

that’s why i don’t do people. 

“and i tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes”

why’s he coming upstairs so much. it’s not the most comfortable thing. he doesn’t even really do anything. i don’t understand. 

you couldn’t see the emotional, mental scars i had, until they became physical. you found out about them, and you still didn’t believe me. instead, you blamed me. invalidated anything i ever revealed to you. and you don’t see why i keep myself hidden from you? 

it’s funny to think sometimes, how strangers know you much better than the people you live with. how they understand you more than your own family does. how people who you have never even actually met, accept you more than your own mom. funny. 

constantly checking the door now, at every faint sound. 

she didn’t seem very happy now that i was upstairs this whole time, even though, which she doesn’t know, she made me stay there. away. 

also, not talking about mom for once. we’re at grandparents’ with dad. 

i love rain <3

not real. not alive. barely existing.

@justmeeva (still loved) 

@unassumingEyes

i second this 💗

now she’s making arrangements behind my back. 

promising me to places i don’t want to go to. 

never *** agreed to go to.