my journal: various subjects, opinionating, CW at times

...so Hurricane Ian is on its way. I'm prepared about as well as I can be, given the circumstances. I probably have more potable water stored than at least half the people in this anthill--I have around 9 gal. so far. I have canned food but I wish I had more of it. What I do have is lbs. of rice & beans, & charcoal for my grill (which I haven't used at all this year because of all the rain). If we lose power I can still cook, though it has to be done outside. Got that much going in my favor.

Today, however, my computer went on the blink. Apparently it has "disk errors" that it can't fix. Of all the times to have computer trouble, it would happen now... Murphy's Law is real, folks. It's true. It's like a law of physics. Much of my adult life has been a demonstration of it.

My anxiety is a bit worse than it was a few weeks ago...until now I figured it was due to circumstances. Am still sure that's the case. But considering my mother could become a nervous wreck when she was alive, there could be a hereditary component as well. Thanks a lot for another obstacle in my life, you stupid, neurotic, hyper-emotional cow...you managed to f*** up my life years after this world was slightly improved by your death.

...As you can probably guess, she & I didn't get along all that well. That started when I reached adulthood. Someone once said that "all kids deserve parents, but not all parents deserve kids." Whoever said that was wise indeed.

Aside from that, there haven't been too many developments lately. Took steps to look for a job but the way my health is now, it may not be possible. At the very least, it would make more sense to get my head on straight (or maybe less crooked--being totally well-adjusted only happens when you don't have chronic conditions)...I will tell this to the people I've been working with this Monday.

Was going through my graphic novels today when I found a cartoon I read years ago... I've never been a cartoonist, but I like Robert Crumb's work & can definitely relate to this now:

A few thoughts, O nonexistent reader:

• The Russo-Ukraine war isn't much of a surprise. As a landlocked power, Russia is always insecure...especially given its origins of city-states & petty kingdoms being occupied by the Mongols until the Russians finally overthrew them in the late medieval era. That history plus its lack of natural borders (most of Russia is cold & flat) instilled a collective "grow or die" impulse. Russia's only real defense is its sheer size, which makes invading it a major challenge. Both Napoleon & Hitler made that mistake, as did Charles XII* before either of them when Russia was nowhere near as large as it is now. China is the same way. As of old, a Russian autocrat seeks to expand his country westward & meets opposition backed by a rival power...in this case, us. (It would be nice if western European nations did more than diplomatic posturing. We're carrying the burden for Ukraine's support & frankly, I don't think we should. There are better domestic uses for that $100 billion+.)
• One fact this year's inflation has made clear: If you don't have assets, then you will have a hard row to ***. By "assets" I mean anything that holds its value or increases in value over time. Inflationary periods exacerbate the differences between haves & have-nots...or between those who understand money & what to do with it, & those who don't know anything about it. In times like these, the last thing you want to do is hold onto cash (except for an emergency fund). If you've got any money, even a little, it is shriveling in your wallet/purse by the week. Now is a great time to start investing. Stocks, ETFs, precious metals, cryptos (if you know which ones to buy)...if you can afford it, buy it. Don't sell it, especially if our economy gets even more recessionary next year. Hang onto your assets, watch the markets & wait. You'll be better off later when the economy recovers & we enter another cycle.
• From what I've seen in the last couple years, I'm glad I never went with the idea of becoming an art teacher. Thought about it in the late 2000's...it's a good thing I didn't get certification. America's public schools (& even quite a few private ones) are degenerating dangerously. Between wokeist & DEI doctrines in training & lackluster administrators, teachers get no support while the worst kids & teenagers run riot & make learning impossible for the rest of the students. I don't need to deal with that s**t... Future education, for the successful at least, will not take place in most grade or high schools. It'll all be online or homeschooling.
• Ditto for my leaving the west coast in the early 2000's. With almost every news report I see, I realize that was perhaps the best decision I've made so far. California ain't no place to be.
• Speaking of art, I'm still posting stuff in my "hobby journal" every so often. Go check it out & scroll if you feel like it.
• Need to reinstall the operating system on my main computer...that'll have to wait until next month, or maybe even January.
• For supportive chat rooms here, some times are better than others.

*the king of Sweden in the early 18th century. Look up "the Great Northern War"...or "Peter the Great" if you want to know who was running Russia during that time.

Not much more I can add to this thread, since I've listed my main issues above.

Am quite alone this holiday season. This is not unusual, however; almost every holiday season has been like that in my adult life. As are most of my days, particularly since the onset of my Meniére's. It tends to keep you at home a lot. It would be nice to have a few people to hang out with, if there were more people who didn't just use their heads as display units for hats or hairstyles & who didn't either bore me or get on my nerves...

I haven't logged in here as often as I did earlier this year. Between flare-ups, depressive episodes & getting things done (sometimes art or a craft project), I haven't had a lot of time to come in & post. The only chat room I go to is the Sharing Circle...wondering if it's worth the effort to try the other ones. (I already tried the general non-therapeutic chat. Fergit it. It moves too fast & everyone in there is under 25)

One drawing I've been working on is almost done. Not much else to report tonight.

If there is one thing I know about myself, it is that I was born at least two centuries too late. I realized this a while back...

That is all for now.

I went downtown yesterday...rather unusual for me these days. Got some art supplies; I won't need to buy any more for a good while. Also had dinner. One result was three slices of pizza in a takeout box...

A homeless man approached me a few minutes after I left the place. He asked for spare change as they always do. Told him I didn't have any, which was technically true: I did not have any coins on me. (Who carries dimes & quarters anymore?) He kept going, then I called him back & gave him a slice of my leftover pizza. By then it wasn't hot anymore but of course that couldn't be helped. He asked for money again & I lied again. Am all for helping people in need; however it is a fact that drug addiction is a major issue among the homeless & most "spare change" given by passersby gets spent on cr*ck/m*th/fen***yl/etc.

After I finally got home & went to bed, I wondered if I did the right thing. Sure, he didn't go hungry that night...but I had three slices. I could've given him the box. It's not like it was a life-or-death issue for me. The point is that while I helped him, I may not have done a good job of it. The only commendable thing I did last night was not contribute to the monkey on his back even though he tried to convince me to do it.

Since civilization began in what is now eastern Iraq, there have been social classes. This has been true of every one known, from the city-states of Sumer to every nation around today. There have always been wealthy minorities & teeming masses of working-class & poor people. This will likely be true until the end of the human race itself. The idea of middle-class life is a recent one; I don't know of any examples prior to Europe after the medieval era.

I am nowhere near fabulously wealthy. My name is not Gates, Trump or Buffett. I do wish I had more money than I have now--who doesn't want that for himself? I definitely wish my health was better than it is, & that I could ditch my chronic conditions for good.

Even so, I don't have to live outside. I do not have to pick a different spot every night in order to avoid being stabbed to death when I'm asleep. And the worst addiction I have these days is probably to Reese's peanut butter cups. (They're not good for you at all but dammit, I like those things!...)

Things can always be worse than they are. Remember that, folks.

A couple guys from maintenance will enter my apartment sometime this week for "weatherization"...I don't know exactly when, or what day. Could be tomorrow. I've been wanting to de-clutter the living room & rearrange my stuff in the bedroom, but because of the weather I've had a couple flare-ups...on top of that, my right index finger has been hurting a bit & yesterday I twisted my knee & so did nothing. Today I haven't done enough & am tired.

And I have an appointment late tomorrow. Oh joy.

#chronicillness #chronicillnesslife #apartmentliving #hassles #ihatechronicillness

Have done most of what was necessary for the maintenance guys to get to the windows...still need to schlep a few things out of here. With the e-mail notifications about inspections & weatherization, I took the opportunity to throw out some stuff I didn't need. It's definitely less cluttered in here overall.

Have also hidden the few valuables I have, & hidden them as well as I can. At one time I wouldn't have worried about the maintenance staff here...that was before the current leasing company bought this place. I don't know any of those guys. Nor do I trust them.

After I move the other stuff, I will eat dinner, bathe & go to bed. One becomes boring as one grows older.

I'm no expert on mental health, or depression (other than great familiarity with the latter)...but there is one thing I do know: You will not feel better if you stay in a place where you are not appreciated. Or one that has nothing more to offer because you've learned everything worth knowing about it...

Or a place where no matter how good a product or piece you make, you're still throwing pearls before swine. (Maybe that's partly a restatement of the first point...oh well) If this sounds egotistical, well, if you check my journal thread in the Hobby Zone of this site, you'll know where my judgment comes from.

Inevitably no good scene lasts forever. Part of safeguarding one's happiness is knowing when it's time to move on.

I won't go to where I went tonight with a sketchpad again. I wasn't going there too much before...now I doubt I'll ever go there unless I'm incredibly bored. There are better places to hang out anyway.