my journal: various subjects, opinionating, CW at times

...so Hurricane Ian is on its way. I'm prepared about as well as I can be, given the circumstances. I probably have more potable water stored than at least half the people in this anthill--I have around 9 gal. so far. I have canned food but I wish I had more of it. What I do have is lbs. of rice & beans, & charcoal for my grill (which I haven't used at all this year because of all the rain). If we lose power I can still cook, though it has to be done outside. Got that much going in my favor.

Today, however, my computer went on the blink. Apparently it has "disk errors" that it can't fix. Of all the times to have computer trouble, it would happen now... Murphy's Law is real, folks. It's true. It's like a law of physics. Much of my adult life has been a demonstration of it.

@slowdecline48 Stay safe. I hope it doesn't get too bad for you but it's looking like a really nasty storm

@slowdecline48. Hi I’m from Florida too. How are you doing? I hope that you okay after the storm.

@adventurousBranch3786 Thank you for the kind thoughts. It turned out fine, all things considered. I wasn't all that worried, actually...once you've prepped, there's nothing to do but wait. You probably know that better than I do.

I'm in the northeast so we don't get hit by hurricanes directly...we just catch a few rain bands & wind on the periphery of the storm as it passes through. At one point I lost power (& so did the entire complex as well as the nearby gas station/convenience store, & the Waffle House next to it) but it was restored in less than two hours. Believe it or not, when the wind started picking up I opened a can of beer, sat & watched the wind for a while & eventually went to bed. 😄 I only discovered we had lost electricity after I woke up!

@slowdecline48 Glad to hear it 😊.

@adventurousBranch3786 Thank you for the kind thoughts. It turned out fine, all things considered. I wasn't all that worried, actually...once you've prepped, there's nothing to do but wait. You probably know that better than I do.

I'm in the northeast so we don't get hit by hurricanes directly...we just catch a few rain bands & wind on the periphery of the storm as it passes through. At one point I lost power (& so did the entire complex as well as the nearby gas station/convenience store, & the Waffle House next to it) but it was restored in less than two hours. Believe it or not, when the wind started picking up I opened a can of beer, sat & watched the wind for a while & eventually went to bed. 😄 I only discovered we had lost electricity after I woke up!

My anxiety is a bit worse than it was a few weeks ago...until now I figured it was due to circumstances. Am still sure that's the case. But considering my mother could become a nervous wreck when she was alive, there could be a hereditary component as well. Thanks a lot for another obstacle in my life, you stupid, neurotic, hyper-emotional cow...you managed to f*** up my life years after this world was slightly improved by your death.

...As you can probably guess, she & I didn't get along all that well. That started when I reached adulthood. Someone once said that "all kids deserve parents, but not all parents deserve kids." Whoever said that was wise indeed.

Aside from that, there haven't been too many developments lately. Took steps to look for a job but the way my health is now, it may not be possible. At the very least, it would make more sense to get my head on straight (or maybe less crooked--being totally well-adjusted only happens when you don't have chronic conditions)...I will tell this to the people I've been working with this Monday.

Was going through my graphic novels today when I found a cartoon I read years ago... I've never been a cartoonist, but I like Robert Crumb's work & can definitely relate to this now:

A few thoughts, O nonexistent reader:

• The Russo-Ukraine war isn't much of a surprise. As a landlocked power, Russia is always insecure...especially given its origins of city-states & petty kingdoms being occupied by the Mongols until the Russians finally overthrew them in the late medieval era. That history plus its lack of natural borders (most of Russia is cold & flat) instilled a collective "grow or die" impulse. Russia's only real defense is its sheer size, which makes invading it a major challenge. Both Napoleon & Hitler made that mistake, as did Charles XII* before either of them when Russia was nowhere near as large as it is now. China is the same way. As of old, a Russian autocrat seeks to expand his country westward & meets opposition backed by a rival power...in this case, us. (It would be nice if western European nations did more than diplomatic posturing. We're carrying the burden for Ukraine's support & frankly, I don't think we should. There are better domestic uses for that $100 billion+.)
• One fact this year's inflation has made clear: If you don't have assets, then you will have a hard row to ***. By "assets" I mean anything that holds its value or increases in value over time. Inflationary periods exacerbate the differences between haves & have-nots...or between those who understand money & what to do with it, & those who don't know anything about it. In times like these, the last thing you want to do is hold onto cash (except for an emergency fund). If you've got any money, even a little, it is shriveling in your wallet/purse by the week. Now is a great time to start investing. Stocks, ETFs, precious metals, cryptos (if you know which ones to buy)...if you can afford it, buy it. Don't sell it, especially if our economy gets even more recessionary next year. Hang onto your assets, watch the markets & wait. You'll be better off later when the economy recovers & we enter another cycle.
• From what I've seen in the last couple years, I'm glad I never went with the idea of becoming an art teacher. Thought about it in the late 2000's...it's a good thing I didn't get certification. America's public schools (& even quite a few private ones) are degenerating dangerously. Between wokeist & DEI doctrines in training & lackluster administrators, teachers get no support while the worst kids & teenagers run riot & make learning impossible for the rest of the students. I don't need to deal with that s**t... Future education, for the successful at least, will not take place in most grade or high schools. It'll all be online or homeschooling.
• Ditto for my leaving the west coast in the early 2000's. With almost every news report I see, I realize that was perhaps the best decision I've made so far. California ain't no place to be.
• Speaking of art, I'm still posting stuff in my "hobby journal" every so often. Go check it out & scroll if you feel like it.
• Need to reinstall the operating system on my main computer...that'll have to wait until next month, or maybe even January.
• For supportive chat rooms here, some times are better than others.

*the king of Sweden in the early 18th century. Look up "the Great Northern War"...or "Peter the Great" if you want to know who was running Russia during that time.

Not much more I can add to this thread, since I've listed my main issues above.

Am quite alone this holiday season. This is not unusual, however; almost every holiday season has been like that in my adult life. As are most of my days, particularly since the onset of my Meniére's. It tends to keep you at home a lot. It would be nice to have a few people to hang out with, if there were more people who didn't just use their heads as display units for hats or hairstyles & who didn't either bore me or get on my nerves...

I haven't logged in here as often as I did earlier this year. Between flare-ups, depressive episodes & getting things done (sometimes art or a craft project), I haven't had a lot of time to come in & post. The only chat room I go to is the Sharing Circle...wondering if it's worth the effort to try the other ones. (I already tried the general non-therapeutic chat. Fergit it. It moves too fast & everyone in there is under 25)

One drawing I've been working on is almost done. Not much else to report tonight.

If there is one thing I know about myself, it is that I was born at least two centuries too late. I realized this a while back...

That is all for now.

I went downtown yesterday...rather unusual for me these days. Got some art supplies; I won't need to buy any more for a good while. Also had dinner. One result was three slices of pizza in a takeout box...

A homeless man approached me a few minutes after I left the place. He asked for spare change as they always do. Told him I didn't have any, which was technically true: I did not have any coins on me. (Who carries dimes & quarters anymore?) He kept going, then I called him back & gave him a slice of my leftover pizza. By then it wasn't hot anymore but of course that couldn't be helped. He asked for money again & I lied again. Am all for helping people in need; however it is a fact that drug addiction is a major issue among the homeless & most "spare change" given by passersby gets spent on cr*ck/m*th/fen***yl/etc.

After I finally got home & went to bed, I wondered if I did the right thing. Sure, he didn't go hungry that night...but I had three slices. I could've given him the box. It's not like it was a life-or-death issue for me. The point is that while I helped him, I may not have done a good job of it. The only commendable thing I did last night was not contribute to the monkey on his back even though he tried to convince me to do it.

Since civilization began in what is now eastern Iraq, there have been social classes. This has been true of every one known, from the city-states of Sumer to every nation around today. There have always been wealthy minorities & teeming masses of working-class & poor people. This will likely be true until the end of the human race itself. The idea of middle-class life is a recent one; I don't know of any examples prior to Europe after the medieval era.

I am nowhere near fabulously wealthy. My name is not Gates, Trump or Buffett. I do wish I had more money than I have now--who doesn't want that for himself? I definitely wish my health was better than it is, & that I could ditch my chronic conditions for good.

Even so, I don't have to live outside. I do not have to pick a different spot every night in order to avoid being stabbed to death when I'm asleep. And the worst addiction I have these days is probably to Reese's peanut butter cups. (They're not good for you at all but dammit, I like those things!...)

Things can always be worse than they are. Remember that, folks.

A couple guys from maintenance will enter my apartment sometime this week for "weatherization"...I don't know exactly when, or what day. Could be tomorrow. I've been wanting to de-clutter the living room & rearrange my stuff in the bedroom, but because of the weather I've had a couple flare-ups...on top of that, my right index finger has been hurting a bit & yesterday I twisted my knee & so did nothing. Today I haven't done enough & am tired.

And I have an appointment late tomorrow. Oh joy.

#chronicillness #chronicillnesslife #apartmentliving #hassles #ihatechronicillness

Have done most of what was necessary for the maintenance guys to get to the windows...still need to schlep a few things out of here. With the e-mail notifications about inspections & weatherization, I took the opportunity to throw out some stuff I didn't need. It's definitely less cluttered in here overall.

Have also hidden the few valuables I have, & hidden them as well as I can. At one time I wouldn't have worried about the maintenance staff here...that was before the current leasing company bought this place. I don't know any of those guys. Nor do I trust them.

After I move the other stuff, I will eat dinner, bathe & go to bed. One becomes boring as one grows older.

P.S. The "inspection" took less than five minutes. 😒 That's par for the course in this anthill...but my efforts over the last few days were successful. That is, none of my valuables (other than my laptop & the main computer, which is currently nonfunctional) were in plain sight. No real temptation for thieves....sure, the computers were still out. But the two guys didn't give 'em a second glance; besides, I am not the only resident here with a computer. Would bet money there is at least one gamer in this complex with a much more expensive machine.

This was a good start, in that I got rid of some junk. As I don't do much fermentation anymore, there is no reason to have as much equipment as I currently possess. May try to sell it on Craigslist, though I've heard Faceblech Marketplace is a better online location these days. Any intelligent input on this is appreciated.

I'm no expert on mental health, or depression (other than great familiarity with the latter)...but there is one thing I do know: You will not feel better if you stay in a place where you are not appreciated. Or one that has nothing more to offer because you've learned everything worth knowing about it...

Or a place where no matter how good a product or piece you make, you're still throwing pearls before swine. (Maybe that's partly a restatement of the first point...oh well) If this sounds egotistical, well, if you check my journal thread in the Hobby Zone of this site, you'll know where my judgment comes from.

Inevitably no good scene lasts forever. Part of safeguarding one's happiness is knowing when it's time to move on.

I won't go to where I went tonight with a sketchpad again. I wasn't going there too much before...now I doubt I'll ever go there unless I'm incredibly bored. There are better places to hang out anyway.

All projects & tasks are currently paused as I have a cold, or more likely a sinus infection--I tend to contract one at this time of year, because of all the pollen.... Cursed be nature, or God or what-have-you for bringing allergens into this world. Nasty congestion, harshly sore throat, an overall lack of energy.

The daily regimen is staying bundled up, trying to drink enough water (not easy when you don't have much of an appetite) & taking it easy. Took a hot bath two nights ago & that seemed to help a bit... Meanwhile I'm reading a few of my fave tomes. The current one is Notes On Democracy by H.L. Mencken

Jan. 31st Edit: Not only is the infection still at large, it has somewhat reduced inside my sinuses while spreading to my left eye...& on top of that, my chest feels a bit tight. And I have a cough. Guess those hot baths can only do so much.

Gotta do some laundry now, & a few dishes. Will go to the walk-in clinic when I get up tomorrow. Life stinks. 🤧🤕

If in a dream you were frolicking with a young girl* & you wake up to the awareness of solitude with your youth behind you, & of your health issues cementing your place on the social attractiveness hierarchy...

Sure, it's gloomy. But it ain't as bad as it sounds, either. As long as you have dreams like that, there is still some life left in you.

*or guy, depending. Can't leave the ladies & the gays out.

From what I'm reading:

"Casey took some note cards from his pocket and began writing, encouraging Tighe to keep going. Korea, Vietnam--old problems, old wars--might not be over.

"The Nixon-Kissinger opening has not solved the China problem, Tighe said. Chinese policy could change 180 degrees overnight. The Chinese strategic nuclear force, their submarines, their orbited satellites, their ICBMs make them a world power. There is a serious error in the way we've looked at the Chinese, viewing them only as some kind of giant Third World country, focusing on them as a massive regional threat. The new listening posts..."

- Bob Woodward, Veil: The Secret Wars of the CIA 1981-1987

me: "Got a lot to do this year...I won't use (anti)social media too often. There won't be enough time. Gotta do some drawings, finish building my cane, get a couple other projects going, etc."

also me: *has flare-ups with head pain, vertigo; did nothing today*

Boy, I sure like aching joints in the morning... </sarc>

The only real news in my life is that I am posting my art somewhere else online now. No, I will not put the URL here as I prefer to keep my life strictly compartmented...it helps my peace of mind & gives me a bit more freedom. Anyway it's an online community for artists, game developers & other creative folk. My account there is about two weeks old, so I've been giving it plenty of attention. Thus I haven't had as much time to show up here & hang out in chat, etc. as I had previously.

Am mostly limiting my account there to finished work, so the pieces I have in my gallery there are not like what I've posted here.

It's been windy today. Not much else to report other than that.

A Woman's Hundred Years

At ten, like a flowering branch in the rain,

She is slender, delicate and full of grace.

Her parents are themselves as young as the rising moon,

And do not allow her past the red curtain without a reason.

At twenty, receiving the hairpin, she is a spring bud.

Her parents arrange her betrothal; the matter's well done.

A fragrant carriage comes at evening to carry her to her lord.

Like Xiaoshi and his wife, at dawn they depart with the clouds.

At thirty, perfect as a pearl, full of the beauty of youth,

At her window, by the gauze curtain, she makes up in front of the mirror.

With her singing companions, in the waterlily season,

She rows a boat and plucks the blue flowers.

At forty, she is mistress of a prosperous house and makes plans.

Three sons and five daughters give her some trouble.

With her qin not far away, she toils always at her loom,

Her only fear that the sun will set too soon.

At fifty, afraid of her husband's dislike,

She strains to please him with every charm,

Trying to remember the many tricks she had learned since the age of sixteen.

No longer is she afraid of mothers—and sisters-in-law.

At sixty, face wrinkled and hair like silk thread,

She walks unsteadily and speaks little.

Distressed that her sons can find no brides,

Grieved that her daughters have departed for their husbands' homes.

At seventy, frail and thin, but not knowing what to do about it,

She is no longer able to learn the Buddhist law even if she tries.

In the morning a light breeze

Makes her joints crack like clanging gongs.

At eighty, eyes blinded and ears half deaf,

When she goes out she cannot tell north from east.

Dreaming always of departed loves,

Who persuade her to chase the dying breeze.

At ninety, the glow fades like spent lightning.

Human affairs are no longer her concern.

Lying on a pillow, solitary on her high bed,

She resembles the dying leaves that fall in autumn.

At a hundred, like a cliff crumbling in the wind,

For her body it is the moment to become dust.

Children and grandchildren will perform sacrifices to her spirit,

And clear moonlight will forever illumine her patch of earth.

- ballad, one of around 50,000 documents & fragments from the 5th
to 11th centuries found in a cave in Dunhuang, China. They
were written by Buddhists, Taoists & a few Zoroastrians, & rediscovered in 1900.

I encountered an older woman at the nearby dollar store a couple days ago. She was a reminder of why I should not get in convos with strangers... Christ on a crutch. I am some guy you just met & don't even know. I am not your *** therapist. It is amazing how if you have a face like mine & stand silently, people will tell you more about themselves than you would ever want to know... *smh*

Having said that, she wasn't completely useless. I got a heads-up on how Jacksonville (& nearby towns in the region, no doubt) has been steadily getting more expensive. Her rent is set to double to $1,600 a month. The woman is older & disabled. At this point she's scrambling to find a place with one of her relatives....not a good situation to be in.

So far, the last rent increase was unpleasant but nothing I can't deal with, for the near future. If my rent should go up drastically, though...my fate could be worse. That woman has family here, & I do not.

I was set to get a few projects done this year. Now I'm thinking while I still want to do a couple or three of 'em if possible, preparing for a possible housing deprivation should probably take precedence.

RIght now I am okay. But if that should change, I do not want to get caught with my pants down. Wish me luck.

Edit: As I predicted, the inspection was quick. I did not expect the worker ants to arrive before 0930 hrs, though.

They replaced the filter in my A/C. I always buy my own filters but if the managers of this anthill want to give us free filters, who am I to argue?

I've had little energy during daylight hours...This isn't unusual in itself (I've always been a night owl); however, this week I've really been at a low ebb when the sun was up.

Maybe I should build a coffin to sleep in...would have to upholster it well. I don't know how to do upholstery. But I can definitely build a box. 😁

Between the head pain, vertigo, joint pain (mostly the fingers, right elbow & either knee these days), fatigue & being a night person, I get little to nothing done during normal business hours.

...by the FSM, I hate living in a world run by daylight people.

Art follows him through the tent.

"'Jesus loves you,'" Parada mutters. "Nights like this make me wonder if that's just cr@p. What brings you here? Guilt?"

"Something like that."

Art takes money from his pocket and offers it to Parada. It's his last month's salary.

"It will buy medicine," Art says.

"God bless you."

"I don't believe in God," Art says.

"Doesn't matter," Parada says. "He believes in you."

Then He, Art thinks, is a sucker.

- Don Winslow, The Power of the Dog

Am under the weather again.

It started as the typical congestion, might've become a sinus infection (I can never tell for certain, because my allergies & sinuses are always on the blink), & now it's gone to my chest.

My lungs are still fairly clear but my voice is shot, plus I have a smoker's cough...& I've never smoked in my life. I don't even know prices for a pack of cigarettes.

Guess I'll contact my doc. If the appointment is too far off & I get worse then I will venture into the uncharted, possibly dangerous but most likely boring emergency unit of the nearest hospital that accepts my PPO.

Until then I shall keep doing the usual, i.e. drinking hot tea, drinking water, & getting what rest I can.

Still need to do the laundry but I'm just f***ing tired of it...

...am tired of being alive. At its core, life is a succession of miseries & suffering. Joy & contentment are optional; suffering is not. Siddhartha Gautama knew it. But I'm too skeptical (& unable to meditate) to adopt his solution for it.

CW: adult/carnal subject matter

If that bothers you, please stop reading right now. Seriously, log off or go to the chat or one of the forums or whatever & get outta here.

...

....

You still around? Okay then...

Preeeesenting:

Late-Night Ravings of a Lonely Chronic Guy

What's on my mind: First & later, our lips must meet before my tongue slips in where yours seizes it & they flex together, like wrestling pythons...Forget how you feel about your body, honey. If it was that bad would it have drawn me to you like an iron shaving to a magnet? Tonight I want you. There is you, me & nothing else.

Feel your arms encircle my neck, your hand stroking the nape as your other hand slides down my back as mine flows over yours. You can grip the muscles I cycle with if you want... L!ps teeth & tongue tracing your cheekbone & jawline, whispering my gratitude in your ear before nibbling your neck. I sniff, sniffffff you deeply as I plunge my face into your dark dark hair because there is nothing in the world like the scent of woman.

Come on, I'll bolster your self-esteem in a hundred ways...

Crawl on top of me as a mountain cat lands on a deer...except I am not a deer.

My h!ps rise to yours & they meet with intent. I can feel your back, your b*tt, I see nothing for your hair over my eyes & my nose filled with your smell, round yet strong, filling my mind with you... Take the moment when we kiss. You guide me in, feeling your heat, the wet, the sliding liquid paradise tightens when you squeeze & my fingers dig into your sitting muscles that are not sitting now, like rhythmic bundles of whipcord under two smooth cushions & I push & slide, push & slide, drive the message home as I feel the female force at your core capturing me through your l@gs, wrapped over my h!ps as your arms hold my neck, our chests together, hearts feeling the tempo of each...

Ride me, honey

Finally with a thrust & grind together we shout, hips fused, I break & hold you as I sh00t up, the hot liquid, fervid brass surges toward your center in the near-death shattering inside of ecstasy, in bodily union.

Settle afterward slowly, our sweat mixed together... I will still hold you so you know I'm happy we're sharing this night. Not one & done. You can lie there, your l@gs draped on either side, as I hold you in my arms, feeling my affection gently pecked on your earlobes, your eyebrows, your cheeks, on your eyelids softly, your nose, your lips, lingering, so that our souls connect. Not one & done, so if you wake me up later we can have more fun or I can massage you, pushing down & pulling up your trapezius muscles, kneading your back like dough, kneading your shoulders, your th!ghs, your...

Be well with me, darling, & I'll brew for you so we can talk over coffee in the early afternoon.

As is often the case:

There are some important things to do, one of which must get done soon. And there are other projects I want to do... But I don't have enough energy for any of it.

The headache, dizziness & ringing in the ears are always there.

Lately I've been worried about possible rent increase when it comes time to renew the lease...worried to the point that I've decided to prepare for the possibility of losing my apartment.

Paranoia? Considering how the economy's been going since the Fed started printing money like it's going out of style...& how my state of residence is one of the two most popular for coastal refugees, I don't think I'm being paranoid in the least.

It is a particularly unpleasant possibility not only because of homelessness but also because I'm disabled. Am not in a wheelchair or anything close to it but still...the street life is for the young & strong. It is not for the middle-aged & chronically ill.

So I have to prepare for the worst, & hope for the best. Will keep this journal up to date if I remember to.

I will be good for another year, soon enough. But I will still prepare for eventual homelessness...just in case. It's definitely better for my peace of mind.

After 25-some-odd years of Internet usage, I have compiled the following things that convince me to not take someone else's comments seriously:

• typing in all caps/"shouting".
• bad spelling; ungrammatical sentence construction.
• corollary to above: run-on sentences.
• using the ad hominem fallacy. (That happens a lot)
• ideological dogmatism. Of any kind.
• corollary to above: canned replies/stock replies. Those indicate intellectual laziness.
• corollary to above: using the black-&-white fallacy.
• refusal to provide evidence for one's statements. (That also happens a lot)

As you can see from the list above, I don't find many comments on social media platforms worth taking seriously.

"Spending time as children allows animals to learn about their environment. Therefore, stealing childhood from the young--by organizing and scheduling their play for them, by keeping them from risk and exploration, by controlling and sedating them with screens and algorithms and legal drugs--practically guarantees that they will arrive at the age of adulthood without being capable of actually being adults. All of these actions--almost always well intentioned--prevent the human software from refining our crude and rudimentary hardware."

- Heather Heying, Bret Weinstein, A Hunter-Gatherer's Guide to the 21st Century, p. 147

In my dream last night--this morning, actually--I arrived at someone's apartment & found a guitar that one of the tenants had left on the bed. I picked it up, tightened the strings since they were a little slack, & tried to play it... I was trying to play some blues. A typical 12-bar tune. The only problem was that I don't know how to play the guitar. 😏 I know a few techniques for chords & strumming but that's it.

Then I woke up.

No matter what I dream about, no matter how my dreams go, when I am in one I don't have stiffness in my fingers. Or ringing in the ears & permanent vertigo & head pain. Or any of the other chronic s**t.

...in my dreams I am still healthy & young. I don't know why.

It's been just over a year since I started this journal. I cannot say I am in a better place now.

No need to rehash complaints I've put here before. All I will say at this point is that between my Meniére's & inability to maintain a regular sleep regimen, most days I'm too tired & achy to do much.

Wonder if a slightly higher dose of my antidepressant med would do anything?...maybe as something to help me break out of this rut. If that is possible.

I would reduce my online time....a few minutes ago I deactivated my Instaspam account. It's a personal account, the only one I have & frankly, it's gotten boring these days. One thing I recently noticed is my preference for who I follow has changed: I go for informational accounts more than for other personal ones.

The US--& even more so, most of the West--continues in its decline while China & India keep rising, & Russia acts as a distraction to keep us focused on the war with Ukraine while China pursues its quest for global dominance. No surprises there.

Life is still lackluster & unappealing in general.

"life is a failure of taste which neither death nor even poetry succeeds in correcting."

- Emil Cioran

"The problem with bourgeois societies is a lack of imagination. A person raised in a middle or upper-middle-class suburban environment, a place ruled by rationalism in the service of material progress, has difficulty imagining the psychological state of affairs in a society where there is little or no memory of hard work achieving its just reward, and where life inside a gang or a drafty army barracks constitutes an improvement in material and emotional security."

- Robert D. Kaplan, Conrad's Nostromo and the Third World (1998)

O tēpo consumatore delle • cose, e o invidiosa • antichit , per la quale tutte le cose sono consumate!

- Leonardo da Vinci

Translated: "O time! consumer of all things, and O envious age! by which all things are devoured."

Snapshot of my thoughts from this past June, before I deactivated my Instaspam acct. Dunno when I'll get it going again...