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slowdecline48
67 45,858 M Crossing Mileposts 6
out of my mind (back in 15 min)
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts10,635 Forum posts4,822 Forum upvotes7,608 Current upvotes7,608 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceJune 16, 2022
Bio

Guy with chronic conditions in late middle age, in northeast Florida(stan). I was first Dx'd with low-grade depression in my mid-teens, & have had episodes ever since. I was an artist for most of my life...sometimes I still am. If you want to know anything more than that, you'll have to ask.





















Recent forum posts
why learning English is hard:
Around the World / by slowdecline48
Last post
 November 8th
...See more
The display change
Site Updates / by slowdecline48
Last post
 October 20th
...See more Why did y'all eliminate the branching conversation format in the forums? Logged in today only to find it's gone now & all the comments are in a simple sequence instead. I can't find my place in a convo anymore.
Found thru boredom & sleeplessness
Music & Dance / by slowdecline48
Last post
 October 11th
...See more Two nights ago I found it. Normally I'm a critic of Google & anything having to do with it, but in this instance...God bless YouRube. Brenda Put Your Bra On [https://youtu.be/3GBcMbYP2ng?si=RH_x41QIqVpOv-4M]
late-night/early morning thoughts
General Support / by slowdecline48
Last post
 October 16th
...See more Why is it that some nights, the old memories come back?... Will anything change that? No...not in this life. Only in the void of non-existence will you find peace. It has always been so.
saying, uncharacteristically
Depression Support / by slowdecline48
Last post
 May 23rd
...See more [CW: self-destructive ideation]  I was in one of the chat rooms tonight/last night (it's 0-dark-hundred now)...I shared. Just checking in. Then I stayed & listened for a while, & everyone's words blipped up the screen, & it all gradually blurred together & my eyes drifted shut...then I realized I'd slumped down in my chair & that if I didn't get up I would regret it later. The fog started rolling forward inside my head again. I left the room. I went to bed & stared at the ceiling again...it all came back. Sooner or later it always does. My first diagnosis was of "dysthymia" in my mid-teens. Since then the years passed, I did the things I did; I made the decisions I made. Some of them weren't the smartest ones. One of the drawbacks of being alive is that every move is irrevocable: once you f*** up, there is no opportunity to do it differently. There are no second chances. Time has no rewind button. On top of that, I learned too much. Far too much to ever believe in any kind of heaven. There may be other dimensions I am unaware of but thus far, I haven't seen incontrovertible evidence of any. When my life subscription expires I will start to decompose, then rot. In a few years I will be forgotten by whoever knew me (not many do), & it will be as if I'd never existed...which, if I'm being honest, I would prefer had been the case from the beginning. That way I would never have gone through all this cr@p. Lately it has occurred to me that the default mental state psychiatric/psychological treatments are intended to bring you to, may not be sanity after all. It's like being happy or "well adjusted" requires a kind of blindness. If sorrow is temporary & you're truly content, your eyes are at least half-closed. As I stare at the ceiling, the old problem returns... > half my life is gone. I have morbid tendencies (obviously). Am on medicine now but I still have depressive episodes because of my chronic ailments that will never go away. I can look forward to more head pain, vertigo, ringing in the ears, joint pain & intestinal disturbances. And allergies. Suffering is guaranteed; pleasure is not & when it comes, it is fleeting. Staring upward in the dark, I think: is this it? 20 to 25 more years of this s***, & then it's all over? That's all there is to look forward to? Isn't it strange how death is something you can fear & want at the same time... I have a few achievements to my name. I've known a few interesting people (some of them interesting in all the wrong ways); I've seen many things & done more things. I've made a lot of art. But all things considered, I would rather not be here. And finding reasons to keep breathing is getting difficult.
I heard this...
50 & Over Community / by slowdecline48
Last post
 November 2nd
...See more ...& thought of us. Thought of myself, & everyone in this little community of ours. That was the first thing that came to mind when I reached the final seconds of this song [https://youtu.be/MRvn0NNwHmA?si=sbMHA4FzKaXDSqWf]. Give it a listen, folks. It's quite relatable, is it not?
a question
General Support / by slowdecline48
Last post
 July 9th
...See more We all have reasons for being on/in Cups-Land. For us members those reasons are almost always bad to horrible--the more you read in the forums & the more you hang out in the chat rooms, the more you know this truth. I am no exception. I got to thinking about it, & came to the following: Are you here because you decided to join 7Cups, or are you here because your problems brought you here? That is, did you make a choice or was it your fate to wind up on the site? Is human agency real or is it an illusion held by bipedal organisms influenced by environment & heredity? I lean toward the 2nd answer, even though it feels like we make our own decisions. What do you think? Please explain your answer as best you can.
A suitable song for us
Music & Dance / by slowdecline48
Last post
 May 18th
...See more Trouble in Mind [https://youtu.be/eMuzFQTpjDE?si=sTC4Qr08qqB0coxe] - Lightnin' Hopkins If there's any song that Cups members (& maybe a few Listeners) can relate to, surely the one above is it.
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