my journal: various subjects, opinionating, CW at times
The title explains itself.
If you're interested in the ramblings of a middle-aged man with chronic conditions who, at times, sees things a little too clearly for his own good, then read on.
Sometimes I get political, but it won't be all the time.
I don't mind comments in general but if you're going to differ with what I write, that's fine--as long as you can explain your position clearly & reasonably. Rants, shouting & general incoherence will be ignored or flagged, depending on the situation. Try to remember that not everyone else in this world holds your beliefs.
Every so often I may post art or snapshots of projects I'm working on.
If you're still interested after reading all the above, great. (I do wonder at how much time you have on your hands, though)
Am under the weather again.
It started as the typical congestion, might've become a sinus infection (I can never tell for certain, because my allergies & sinuses are always on the blink), & now it's gone to my chest.
My lungs are still fairly clear but my voice is shot, plus I have a smoker's cough...& I've never smoked in my life. I don't even know prices for a pack of cigarettes.
Guess I'll contact my doc. If the appointment is too far off & I get worse then I will venture into the uncharted, possibly dangerous but most likely boring emergency unit of the nearest hospital that accepts my PPO.
Until then I shall keep doing the usual, i.e. drinking hot tea, drinking water, & getting what rest I can.
Still need to do the laundry but I'm just f***ing tired of it...
...am tired of being alive. At its core, life is a succession of miseries & suffering. Joy & contentment are optional; suffering is not. Siddhartha Gautama knew it. But I'm too skeptical (& unable to meditate) to adopt his solution for it.
CW: adult/carnal subject matter
If that bothers you, please stop reading right now. Seriously, log off or go to the chat or one of the forums or whatever & get outta here.
...
....
You still around? Okay then...
Preeeesenting:
Late-Night Ravings of a Lonely Chronic Guy
What's on my mind: First & later, our lips must meet before my tongue slips in where yours seizes it & they flex together, like wrestling pythons...Forget how you feel about your body, honey. If it was that bad would it have drawn me to you like an iron shaving to a magnet? Tonight I want you. There is you, me & nothing else.
Feel your arms encircle my neck, your hand stroking the nape as your other hand slides down my back as mine flows over yours. You can grip the muscles I cycle with if you want... L!ps teeth & tongue tracing your cheekbone & jawline, whispering my gratitude in your ear before nibbling your neck. I sniff, sniffffff you deeply as I plunge my face into your dark dark hair because there is nothing in the world like the scent of woman.
Come on, I'll bolster your self-esteem in a hundred ways...
Crawl on top of me as a mountain cat lands on a deer...except I am not a deer.
My h!ps rise to yours & they meet with intent. I can feel your back, your b*tt, I see nothing for your hair over my eyes & my nose filled with your smell, round yet strong, filling my mind with you... Take the moment when we kiss. You guide me in, feeling your heat, the wet, the sliding liquid paradise tightens when you squeeze & my fingers dig into your sitting muscles that are not sitting now, like rhythmic bundles of whipcord under two smooth cushions & I push & slide, push & slide, drive the message home as I feel the female force at your core capturing me through your l@gs, wrapped over my h!ps as your arms hold my neck, our chests together, hearts feeling the tempo of each...
Ride me, honey
Finally with a thrust & grind together we shout, hips fused, I break & hold you as I sh00t up, the hot liquid, fervid brass surges toward your center in the near-death shattering inside of ecstasy, in bodily union.
Settle afterward slowly, our sweat mixed together... I will still hold you so you know I'm happy we're sharing this night. Not one & done. You can lie there, your l@gs draped on either side, as I hold you in my arms, feeling my affection gently pecked on your earlobes, your eyebrows, your cheeks, on your eyelids softly, your nose, your lips, lingering, so that our souls connect. Not one & done, so if you wake me up later we can have more fun or I can massage you, pushing down & pulling up your trapezius muscles, kneading your back like dough, kneading your shoulders, your th!ghs, your...
Be well with me, darling, & I'll brew for you so we can talk over coffee in the early afternoon.
As is often the case:
There are some important things to do, one of which must get done soon. And there are other projects I want to do... But I don't have enough energy for any of it.
The headache, dizziness & ringing in the ears are always there.
Lately I've been worried about possible rent increase when it comes time to renew the lease...worried to the point that I've decided to prepare for the possibility of losing my apartment.
Paranoia? Considering how the economy's been going since the Fed started printing money like it's going out of style...& how my state of residence is one of the two most popular for coastal refugees, I don't think I'm being paranoid in the least.
It is a particularly unpleasant possibility not only because of homelessness but also because I'm disabled. Am not in a wheelchair or anything close to it but still...the street life is for the young & strong. It is not for the middle-aged & chronically ill.
So I have to prepare for the worst, & hope for the best. Will keep this journal up to date if I remember to.
I will be good for another year, soon enough. But I will still prepare for eventual homelessness...just in case. It's definitely better for my peace of mind.
After 25-some-odd years of Internet usage, I have compiled the following things that convince me to not take someone else's comments seriously:
- typing in all caps/"shouting".
- bad spelling; ungrammatical sentence construction.
- corollary to above: run-on sentences.
- using the ad hominem fallacy. (That happens a lot)
- ideological dogmatism. Of any kind.
- corollary to above: canned replies/stock replies. Those indicate intellectual laziness.
- corollary to above: using the black-&-white fallacy.
- refusal to provide evidence for one's statements. (That also happens a lot)
As you can see from the list above, I don't find many comments on social media platforms worth taking seriously.
"Spending time as children allows animals to learn about their environment. Therefore, stealing childhood from the young--by organizing and scheduling their play for them, by keeping them from risk and exploration, by controlling and sedating them with screens and algorithms and legal drugs--practically guarantees that they will arrive at the age of adulthood without being capable of actually being adults. All of these actions--almost always well intentioned--prevent the human software from refining our crude and rudimentary hardware."
- Heather Heying, Bret Weinstein, A Hunter-Gatherer's Guide to the 21st Century, p. 147
In my dream last night--this morning, actually--I arrived at someone's apartment & found a guitar that one of the tenants had left on the bed. I picked it up, tightened the strings since they were a little slack, & tried to play it... I was trying to play some blues. A typical 12-bar tune. The only problem was that I don't know how to play the guitar. š I know a few techniques for chords & strumming but that's it.
Then I woke up.
No matter what I dream about, no matter how my dreams go, when I am in one I don't have stiffness in my fingers. Or ringing in the ears & permanent vertigo & head pain. Or any of the other chronic s**t.
...in my dreams I am still healthy & young. I don't know why.
It's been just over a year since I started this journal. I cannot say I am in a better place now.
No need to rehash complaints I've put here before. All I will say at this point is that between my MeniƩre's & inability to maintain a regular sleep regimen, most days I'm too tired & achy to do much.
Wonder if a slightly higher dose of my antidepressant med would do anything?...maybe as something to help me break out of this rut. If that is possible.
I would reduce my online time....a few minutes ago I deactivated my Instaspam account. It's a personal account, the only one I have & frankly, it's gotten boring these days. One thing I recently noticed is my preference for who I follow has changed: I go for informational accounts more than for other personal ones.
The US--& even more so, most of the West--continues in its decline while China & India keep rising, & Russia acts as a distraction to keep us focused on the war with Ukraine while China pursues its quest for global dominance. No surprises there.
Life is still lackluster & unappealing in general.
"life is a failure of taste which neither death nor even poetry succeeds in correcting."
- Emil Cioran
"The problem with bourgeois societies is a lack of imagination. A person raised in a middle or upper-middle-class suburban environment, a place ruled by rationalism in the service of material progress, has difficulty imagining the psychological state of affairs in a society where there is little or no memory of hard work achieving its just reward, and where life inside a gang or a drafty army barracks constitutes an improvement in material and emotional security."
- Robert D. Kaplan, Conrad's Nostromo and the Third World (1998)
