in the wonders of my mind💗.

@justmeeva

_{I could think less about the reason rn hah :')💜}

_{dw I understand and believe you ofc🩷thankyou for the explanation tho💕and for being here🩷}

_{yu never have to apologize for not being here friend :0💗never and I won’t let you💕}

_{I don’t think anyone does :') love me/care.🤍but I still remember when people went against me in rainbow room for saying that- so I won’t say anything TvT🤍}

_{think about me is a possibility :P idk how tho heh :P🤍}

_{life..can’t care less about me :') and I *officially*✨gave up on one day seeing the beauty✨ or good side✨to life. :D}

_{im pretty hard to communicate with TvT🤍 and I often leave people speechless or with nothing to say :D✨/lh su I understand💜but also sometimes cos when you need help yourself you just can’t or don’t know how to help others- and that’s completely okay💙}

_{your virtual hug and this convo means something to me🩷it doesn’t change much sure but I’m happy it happened💓💓}

@iloveyouxx 

guess i’m not anyone then 🤷🏼‍♀️. i understand the feeling tho. it’s hard to believe and trust those words, and i understand that. but i do care. i promise. 

yeah, now more than ever i understand how finding any positivity can be such a challenge- anything good, any hope - it’s really hard. and i can’t blame you. you’ve been through so much, and still are. i’m still proud of you tho, i have to say that. 🩷

it’s not your fault tho nadia fren.. for me personally, i wish i could say “it’s okay“ but it clearly isn’t. i wish i could say “it’s going to be okay” but who am i to promise that? i struggle with finding the good things, any hope, too, so that’s also out of the list. so i really don’t know what to say to you, except giving you as many virtual hugs as i possibly can. 🩷

love you, a lot. really. ❤️

_{just anyone}

_please

_***.

_help.

_me.

_{yk I also love the fact about 4people said they were gonna come to this thread and check on me or leave a hi.}

_{and alllll the people that said they were there for me.}

_{the friends that pretended to be real.}

_{does someone ever lowkey make you want to k.ys but like worse}

_{cough I genuinely needa stop talking about dark topics cos like- :')}

_{oop I didn’t get the notification :0} @justmeeva _{imma go read now tho🩷}

@iloveyouxx 

tyt lovely 🩷

_{12 minutes :D not as slow as I thought/sar @justmeeva sorry my fingers are slow rn lol :'PP}

@justmeeva

_{i forgot the heart- can’t forget the heart emoji xD💜}

🩷*

@justmeeva

_{im not gonna delete that notification💜}

"justmeeva upvoted your post

I really, really can't"

_{I only have one notification that I never delete- one about a deleted forum basically- but when I saw this one it gave me the tiniest bit of the tiniest sense of..being- *alive* :')🩷I’m keeping it heh💕it’s just gonna live there💗}

@iloveyouxx 

awweee 🥺 idk what to say, i feel like i should say “thank you”, though that doesn’t really make sense- or does it?- so ima just give you another hug 🩷🫂

_{I replied…3 times- in the morning- all of them got deleted :') I think all of them turned out not making sense anyway. and just ranting sometimes. sorry friend :')🩷 @justmeeva}

@iloveyouxx 

awe it’s okay 🩷

@justmeeva

_🩷

@iloveyouxx 

how are you fren? if okay to ask 🩷

@justmeeva

_{i- thought you were them. their upvote and your notification came at almost the same time :') I had a whole rant in my head but can’t type it anymore :D🤍}

_{but yus it’s okay🩷I’m- the worst I could possible get. before dead- I think. sorry.🖤but yuh that’s how I am :PP🤍}

@justmeeva

_{i had to go btw so sorry for the late reply💜}

@iloveyouxx 

*gives you a long hugs if okay* 🩷 i’m sorry, that seems to be the most i can do atm :’) 

@justmeeva

_{the most you can do rn is enough and vv much appreciated friend🩷it’s okie💕*hugging you tight*💓}

_{I got my brother's finger print and am on his phone :PP}

_{he's still asleep- he hadn't slept at night TvT}

_{we have over a week more of break and till now I still get school nightmares :>}

they needa word cos of how often they happen like.. ✨schoolmares✨? :'P

_{I woke up at 7am cos of them :') I felt that horrible nostalgic feeling again. I used to just wake up everyday being so scared. :D}

_{I can't get a break from school even in the breaks.} 

_{I felt my heart beat all over my body before I slept. and that kept my mind active and awake but school was the last thing on my mind before I did fall asleep}

_{*** I needa distraction-}

_{I hated the feeling. of waking up or maybe not at all cos most of the time I wouldn't sleep. the first thing I'd do every morning is check the time just to freak out even if it's 4am or smth cos school mornings just never last. I'd probably realize something is missing and freak out about that. then I'd realize how horrible I look and freak out about that and atp I'm rushing too much and I can't and don't even have time to cry. I leave the house ofc late and the weather prolly messes up my already messed up hair. I go up 4 floors already being too drained also who tf lead class is gonn be 4floors up- I make it to lead class after assembly and then that eyad kid starts saying a bunch of stuff like *** :D and the *** *** persun I won't say their name would be their *** ***. ofc someone would make a joke about me trying to km.s which like id gladly do but thats made up so haha how funny :>. I'm gonna have to say my name in register which idk why that's so hard atp I just get a lot of attention shifted to me since I'm usually mute and don't talk. most days we have English first period and that's where the girl that almost killed me is cos she got switched all the way to the last class and we have like 15lead classes in our year group- she also started that rumor about me tryna km.s and jump her and doing psycho things and all sorts of stuff. yk- the reason I lost everything and everyone. so I have to mange almost everyday to get past her and.. *survive*.  I ofc have math somewhere since I do everyday and that's where I sit next to this other girl- basically talked horribly about her supposed to be best friend and her best friend asked me about it. I didn't say anything but she figured it out either way. somehow that turned to even people in senior and primary hating me. I have dance this term so that'd just great. we perform almost everyday and ofc have to be in groups. I managed to get out of it in term2 somehow without performing and if work alone in a paper- but no one wooing ever get that lucky again. I have swimming too which I can't even talk about that cos I have problems with my heart if I get too anxious.  but I genuinely hope I die before we start swimming. Istg I literally hope I die. it's okay :') but it's obv not okay is it and I could go on did hours which is making me want to cry but like o well fml :') I'm gonna go look for that "distraction" now.} 

my brother has a swipe keyboard so that's why I can't spell *** here 

_{someone's doing smth at the other side of the wall--}

_{I wanna rant about the *** counselor and head of year and my dad and his girlfriends and my classmates and my teachers. but. I can't :')} 

_{I genuinely hope I die I hope I die so bad I just id wish it on my birthday cake if i could-}

_{deaths not the answer". hysgsjalna :')}