in the wonders of my mind💗.

I’ll just keep it here

_{goodnight I guess, you know, if anyone’s here xd not to be annoying but, I hope I die in my sleep, haha. anywhoo goodnight bye I’ll maybe manage to come back since you know how everyone’s gonna miss seeing me around :>/j sorry idk. lol. I don’t want to be negative. bye <3}

um so

uh

i guess I was thinking about myself so much that I just thought when I came back everyone would be like gone already :’) and I know no one’s saying anything but I haven’t been saying anything either and I just didn’t want to talk to anyone and. I still don’t. unless they talk to me and I don’t think anyone wanted to. or wants to xd 

I know it’s a stupid post to make but I think the reason upvotes mean so much to me is because of I guess how this space used to be and it affected me a lot more than it should’ve 

and it also makes me feel like I have friends even tho I keep telling myself I don’t 

its just lonely

but um

my notifications TvT

thankyou <3 

it’s way more than enough to make me feel better. even the random 2 upvotes by the user I’ve never seen before :p lol so sweet I haven’t even talked to them before but so sweet <3 they’re probably amazing like all of you 

anywho I’m still making this in white text tho cause I probably sound stupid or said something um weird or maybe this’ll make more people leave or uh *nervous emoji*/j thankyou sm tho <3 

(oh and if you can’t upvote since you know, you so desperately want to/j than it’s okay I think like 2 people ran out of upvotes but I’ll still accept your care telepathically)

Thinking of you, Nadiaabeanieee!💖

@iloveyouxx 

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

awwwe! I missed youu so much💖

life isn’t the same without a sunniebeanieee hehe <3💗💗

@iloveyouxx

Just Nadiabeaniee being the professional "heart-melter" as always.🥺🥰

*keeps hugging tighttt* 

How's youuuuu?💖

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

:0 just sunniebeaniee being the professional "smile spreader" as always😛🙂‍↕️❤️

hugs vv tight💕🫂💕

I could be better I guess :') but youu make me feel better🩷

hows youuu💖?

@iloveyouxx

Haha I see what you did here.😛😭💖

Oh nu, it's vv okay to leave a lil room to be better. You deserve to feel the best, but darn ✨life✨ sometimes, yeah?🥲

Always happierrr to make you feel better.🤗💖

I've been so and so, just making it through ✨life✨ too.🤝

Receiving tags like "iloveyouxx upvoted your post" and "iloveyouxx has mentioned you" has been today's highlight for me.🥰💖

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

ehehehe😛💞💖

mhm🫠🥲💜life doesn’t have much sympathy xD🤍like, at all xD🤍awwwe🩷

hehe you’re the best and the kindest everr aww🥺🤗💖💕

aww its okay💗🤝💗 ✨life✨ smh🙄🫠💜*says stuff I’d never say to myself* but it’s okie because it’ll get better😭you have to struggle a lot before being happy again😭and struggling is a part of life and😭and we love youu and we’re all here and it’s okay because we’re never alone here💖hugs vvv tight💖

awwwe🥺💕💜

Sunisshiningandsoareyou upvoted your post my brothers bir...

Sunisshiningandsoareyou upvoted your post when I was at m...

Sunisshiningandsoareyou upvoted your post

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou..

Sunisshiningandsoareyou upvoted your post @Sunisshiningandsoareyouawwwe!...

all of these💕I’m not sure if I accidentally crossed any out but these made my day easier🩷and talking to you :p and staying in my room all day and not talking to anyone xD but youuu were the highlight of my day💖

@iloveyouxx 

i woke up today, and i thought about you, first thing in the morning. and then i came to cups, saw a notification from your thread, went to see if it was you or someone missing you, and saw that it was you. and my mind just went ''yippeee she's heree! <3'' hehe. even though it was you explaining some tough things you're going through, i was still happy to hear from you. you've been on my mind a lot <3 there's something in every day that reminds me of you. i'm glad you're here nadia <3 i will continue to love you, no matter what <3
*offers long optional hugs*

@justmeeva

TvT everything I think of saying sounds so horrible. but aww, your mind is adorable hehe <3 my mind is full of such stupid things and I can’t even reply properly >: I’m sorry. I don’t even know what happened I was half functioning a while ago 

I love you❤️

forever hugs <3 

I tried :') I’m sorry I’ll try again later. except I know I won’t come up with anything better to say. thankyou for being my friend <3 maybe I’ll spend my time staring at a wall and thinking of a bunch of things I should’ve said :D my brain is just so annoying it doesn’t have anything to do with you tho 

🩷🩷🩷

@iloveyouxx 
it's okayy i promise, i'll take the hugs since they're way more than enough 💗💕 *hugs forevereverever*
try not to feel bad, please? i have those times too, really really often where there are just no words no matter how much you want to have words <3  i'm not mad, i'm not expecting anything more from you 💗 you don't have to burden your mind with thinking of a reply, i'm satisfied with the hugs (: 💕 if there's no words, there's no words ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  it's not your fault <3

@justmeeva

i had a reply written up and it’s gone :D

sgshaghsmabsnsjlsksknj🩷thankyou🩷*hugs foreverevereverevvevrvrvr* <3 

I wanted to say I’m sorry because uh >: well of course 1 because I’m sorry if my reply in your space made you uncomfy or idk wasn’t needed or, idk TvT💕it took a lot of courage lmao I should’ve just not :D and I’m sorry because :') the video thing. I kept trying to perfect it and I wanted to send it to you on your birthday. and it was perfect and everything but then I saw I don’t remember I think two people tell you happy birthday or send a gif or something and for some reason that’s what made me feel like my video wasn’t enough :p >: and I just spent that day hating myself and I never told you happy birthday :') 

happy….very, very…very. very. very, very late birthday :')🎉🩷*sucks at being a proper friend*

I don’t know if you saw (because I don’t remember where I talked about it) but I talked about having so many dreams about my cups friend like that she had a youtube channel or when I found out she worked at mcdonalds or when we got arrested but it was actually this like basically creature but only we could see it and, I know it sounds stupid TvT but now I had a couple of dreams with you in them, lol <3 I don’t remember a lot just very small things, I could tell you about them if you want hehe <3 

youre a very special friend to me even tho I guess we :p rarely talk :p but that’s my fault sometimes too. we could go 5 years without talking and I’d still remember you and think of you as my friend <3 

_{(it’s 2am so maybe that’s why I decided to bring up like everything I could?😅 I know this is a lot and a long post and a lot to reply to, but you don’t have to reply to any of it🩷2am hugs, lol🩷I love youu I hope you get some sleep❤️)}

@iloveyouxx
*replies 5 hours later than 'in the morning' eughh*
eee nadiaa noo it didn't make me uncomfy i just got carried away and genuinely didn't see it <33 *pat pat* you're always welcome there i promise <3 
awwee 🥺 i'm preeettty sure that i would've loved it <3 but i completely understand the self doubt and extra criticism and everything <3 idk if you relate but if i do something for someone, whether it's a letter or video or drawing or anything, then since i've seen it over and over, it feels like weird or like something's missing, like it's not enough :') and then i wish i could see it for the first time so i know what the person i'm giving it to might think of it TvT but i promise you're just being extra hard on yourself, i'm 101% sure it's amazing 🩷 i could've given you a hug or something smh feeling bad on my birthday is unacceptable! /hj /lh 🩷
thank you very, very…very. very. very, very much 🩷 *hugs you because it's not your fault and i haven't been a very good, or at least very active friend either i know*
:0 no i don't think i saw it? :00 dream*s* about me?? of course i want to hear, if you still remember them lol <3
yeah i think it's mostly my fault, i guess i'm just really afraid of saying something wrong or at a wrong time or making anything worse and i just- really don't want it to happen :') <3 but i agree, i'll forever count you as a friend no matter how much or little we communicate because it's like.. even if you're not there i know you're there? and you're basically a vip local guest in my brain atp with those random visits :p yes i think about you a lot <3
3pm hugs lol 🩷 i love you moree 🩷🩷

@justmeeva

_{Snkebsjdvsgsh  ahsvusndfejhd slekksahhahshrejjejs you’re so cute and sweet and kind awww🥺😭💕}

_{I’m really really really sorry I promise I’ll reply to this later, can you save it somewhere🩷like in the private section of your profile if you don’t want it to be somewhere outside cups or something, just incase and so I could be able to reply if this goes and you’d have it saved🩷}

_{I’ll reply right when I....well :p if I manage to be on and can reply I’ll reply but if not I’ll try and come back with another account💗}

@iloveyouxx 

mhm i saved it 🩷 tyt i’ll be waiting for you 💕🩷

@justmeeva

_{*goes back to teenie text* *hehe* <3}

_{*replies 2 days later cause I’m an amazing friend* :> (5 hours is basically nothing🩷think about it, five fours, five minutes, same same🤷🏻‍♀️💕/lh) but actually tho I’d be so proud of myself if I replied to someone after only 5 hours lol :p🩷}

_{awwwe <3💓thankyou😭🩷*tells brain to shut up*🫠🧠💖}

_{nu I relate :') TvT🩷I felt horrible like it’s all it took to make me hate it and no one else made a like 4 minute video or maybe they did and that would make mine not as special😭you’re so kind🩷yus I feel the need to keep saying it😛💕I forgot what it was like to talk to you :p} 

_{🥺🩷*hugs you because it doesn’t matter and when you are here you’re the best friend ever*}

_{ofcourse :0 I dream about cups a lot xD but dreams about specific cups friends are very very special💖I barely remember now ugh T^T a long time after the dreams I’d had remember them well enough but after I got ✨injured✨ my memory is horrible, (it won’t make sense how I know the people in my dreams are you but I just did in the dream I know I did😭I hope it makes sense) in one dream I was having a panic attack in this really specific place I feel like I’ve seen it before, it’s hard to describe and make sense of but I was behind this big thing with like seats and stuff and people and you turned around and looked down and you were just ._. and I looked up ugly crying/j and you smiled and I tried to smile back and you went back :3 it was a short but sweet dream xD💓another dream was so so sooo long but I barely remember anything at all😭we were all animated (you were the main character in it tho✨)and you were on a carpet or broom and I think it was like a competition thing it was such an amazing dream I’m so sad I don’t remember >:🩷I had a dream your dog was chasing me, he was a golden retriever, these dreams aren’t really crazy huh xD I’m gonna force myself to remember and I’ll tell you how it goes xD or I’ll try dreaming again💗mostly I dream about the things I think of last before I fall asleep and I knew it before the scientific fact stuff I just knew it myself so hopefully I’d remember🤷🏻‍♀️💞}

*🚮:D* why does everything I say sound so😭I think about you a lot too hehe <3 and I understand, enough🩷😅it’s okie <3💞

_{3am hugs🩷🩷nope I love you more for sure:pp🩷🩷}

@justmeeva

_{no wait I forgot to show you something :0💓}

✊🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿👇🏿✊🏿

👉🏿👍🏿👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👍🏿👈🏿

👉🏿👉🏾👍🏾👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽👍🏾👈🏾👈🏿

👉🏿👉🏾👉🏽👍🏽👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👍🏽👈🏽👈🏾👈🏿

👉🏿👉🏾👉🏽👉🏼👍🏼👇🏻👍🏼👈🏼👈🏽👈🏾👈🏿

👉🏿👉🏾👉🏽👉🏼👉🏻❤️👈🏻👈🏼👈🏽👈🏾👈🏿

👉🏿👉🏾👉🏽👉🏼👍🏼☝🏻👍🏼👈🏼👈🏽👈🏾👈🏿

👉🏿👉🏾👉🏽👍🏽☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼👍🏽👈🏽👈🏾👈🏿

👉🏿👉🏾👍🏾☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽👍🏾👈🏾👈🏿

👉🏿👍🏿☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾👍🏿👈🏿

✊🏿☝🏿☝🏿☝🏿☝🏿☝🏿☝🏿☝🏿☝🏿☝🏿✊🏿

I just saw it and thought it looked cool and was like 💭eva :0💭 and wanted to show it to you🩷

@iloveyouxx 

in my phone it got messed up but in my laptop it shows correctly <3 *loves it* eeeeeee <3

@justmeeva

ouhh hehe yaaayyyy <33💖

@iloveyouxx 

*replies 1 day later cause i too am an amazing friend* :> (it's  o k a y  2 days is basically 2 hours pff 🙄💕)
*takes all your self doubt thoughts away and throws them in the trash* 🗑️🚮 there (: it *is* special oke i wouldn't compare it to anything i would just endlessly appreciate it 💗💕 you made it so it's not even a question if it's special 🩷
*sits and takes popcorn and reads* 👀 i wonder what i looked like in your dream 👀🤔😶 *entertained* (*ends the thought here because i have no right words but it's cool and sweet and yeah i have no right words :D*)
i won't even say what i saw in my dream today they're wild bro 😭😭 they're either nightmares, an actual dream (/wish) or they're complete absurd nonsense. 😭
*2:30pm hugs* 🩷🩷objection um no i'm pretty sure i love you more🩷🩷/lhh

@justmeeva

*replies 1 week later…* … :> (help what do you say for this one-)

🩷🩷think I had like 60 something retakes TvT they were all on the now non working device tho >: and no one’s actually trying to fix it :’)🤍

you were blonde :p xD and really pretty :3💕💓

one time my dream was just a podcast about a worm😭😂and the worm was..worming, what do worms even do :p they wiggle xD sorry xD they wiggle forwards. and today my dream was so long and confusing and I don’t remember much but it was basically just a cartoon with 2 main characters traveling to the past to events they were in and fixing stuff, it’s not a real cartoon I guess my brain just made it up✨and I also had a dream where I saw ice (the cat) :’) alive. the dream was sweet, I was talking to my cousin like oh so I misheard and she’s fine :0 and I just sat with her the whole time💗

(how’s it always so early there :0💜) *5:40am hugs*🩷💜🩷 

D: *gasp* uhm objection speculation I definitely love you more D:🙄💖💕🩷 

when I was at my aunts house for a couple of days I took some…well, a little more than some :p photos of the cats. hehe.

(only a few of them because cups only lets you put one at a time :p)

@iloveyouxx

Omigoooshhh!😭😻😭😻😭😻

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

hehehe I knooww 😭😭🥺❤️🐾 I tried so hard to take a selfie with louis xD I failed so many times

etc😭I got a few okay ones? xD also when I was trying to take another selfie louis actually saw himself in the camera and he got so scared and jumped so I stopped😭💕I’m glad I got a bunch of memories hehe I took 400 and something photos and idk how many videos :p💖

@iloveyouxx  They look so soft!

@mytwistedsoul

right? louis sometimes gets his fur tangled up mostly around his face. he’s so pillow material :p ice is calm and sweet but she only trusts a few people to be around her so no one bothers her

@iloveyouxx Aww Ice and Louis 😊 very cool! 

I didn't mention earlier but it's really nice to see you here again 💙

@mytwistedsoul

awwwww thankyou 💙 it’s always nice to see you around here too💙💙

my brothers birthdays in a couple of hours 

(I have to go charge my device and the room with the charger doesn’t have internet but I’ll be back<3)

*poof*

thankyou for talking to me💖@Sunisshiningandsoareyou yous the bestest sunniebeanie everrrrevevrvrvevrvrr hehe💖you’re the reason I’m happy today💖

@justmeeva and thankyou for posting I know my reply was like, horrible :p but you always have such amazing things to say <3🩷

@cathugsandharmony @LoveMyMoonflowers thankyou for flooding my notifications with love😭💞it meant so much to me I’m not deleting a single one until it goes on it’s own hehe

imm being called :p byebye <3 thankyou for being such amazing friends! I actually really do feel better. even physically :p thankyou sm <3 

i put it too early TvT

*poof*

_{my i-lost-count’th all nighter in a row} 

I forgot to mention :p I’m eating now. I don’t really have a choice. and I never knew but my weight is in the average scale, I never check my weight because when my anorexia was worse I’d check every 5 minutes or even less sometimes sometimes I’d be walking outside the room (with the weight scale)  and I’d look back and close the door and check again. and even when I was dangerously underweight I’d still break down looking at myself because I wasn’t skinny enough. 

somewhere while I was starving myself my aunt took me out and I told her I wouldn’t eat anything and long story short she forced me to eat and I was crying because I felt horrible and I started counting the calories it might’ve been and I started being dramatic and doubling and tripling the amount of calories because I thought I ate a lot. and she told me it hurt her to see me feel so guilty for eating :p and she said I needed to stop because I she’s had patients with anorexia and I’m acting like them. and I said I won’t develop anorexia and she was like do you know what anorexia is

and I remember exactly. putting my fingers around my wrist and I said "it’s when, it’s when you’re so skinny your bones pop out and you’re like a skeleton" 

….