in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{i don’t even remember exactly what I was saying here (I don’t feel like checking) but I just realized, oh ya, I should like, actually put tws and stuff :’)}

tw eating disorder^

it wasn’t that. and I remember she was trying to explain and 

I used to think you’re born with anorexia. like I knew it was an eating disorder but I didn’t know it was like…I don’t know. I was such a stupid kid I thought my aunt was the one that didn’t understand 

and now I have anorexia.

womp womp

but yeah I’ve been eating. I hate the fact my weights average I’m not proud of it

my goal is, 34 kg :’) 

I don’t remember what I said here either lol

tw eating disorder^

tw mentions of sh and methods of sh

I was just sitting. at 4am, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the lighter and ever since I found it I’ve had the biggest most unavoidable urge to put it to my skin. and I got the lighter out and I lit it up. I didn’t put it to my skin. (to see what would happen, and also I just really really wanted to see something burn) I got a tissue and I lifted my finger a bit so that the fire wasn’t too strong and I only put it to the edge of the tissue and for a second and the whole thing was burning and the fire got huge and my hand I dropped it my hand is fine. and it fell to the floor and it was still all on fire and I got on the floor and started blowing on it which I know stupid but it doesn’t matter it went so fast I got so scared. and the tissue was black and ripped up at this point but the fire was still there and a part of it started floating directly up for some reason. I managed to put it out but I swear I’m never touching a lighter ever again :’) 

I used to, I mean, I don’t like calling it sh. I don’t like saying I sh. I don’t, I just like hurting myself and even if I go as far as *deleted but idk fill it in I guess* I still won’t call it sh, I used to hurt myself with a lighter. and my dad found it and thought I was vaping and I didn’t sleep for days because he never stopped 

my hand smells burnt :’) I’m gonna go wash it

_{so um :D😅😭}

_{this space might go soon- again. but I don’t want it to this time. my device is in a whole other place with my aunt and it’s getting reseted and I mean I’m not really calm about it I spent all night until sunrise crying until it was a normal time to be awake to go outside my room. reseted is like everything I have so much on there it’s like my whole life someone said my device is old as rocks which rude but yeah and I love it I have photos of me in 2011 and so many silly 3am notes and drawings and I have so many accounts I made a whole new apple id just to get a verification code for this cups account (idk if that’s a lot now but it was just the longest process)}

_{I’ve had that device reseted before after a lot and I know what it would be like}

_{its so much to think about like even my school apps and e safety thing and school accounts it was so complicated last time and I have to stop everyone again and always be behind again and work up all that courage again and get yelled at again} 

_{im so unbelievably stupid I locked myself out of my own device because I can never remember anything}

_{i thought this would be like a short straightforward, understandable, simple post just briefly explaining what happened and saying I’ll explain more another time or if i come back or something I’ll explain but yeah.} 

_{I’m still here I guess}

I’m back :p

I set an alarm for one hour because I could barely open my eyes, lol :’)

I lied I did go back to the lighter :’)

I’m so mad at myself 

like it’s the same mistake again I literally changed the password after that to something more simple and I can’t even remember that 

_{my next passcode is gonna be 456654 hahah}

_{i feel better ish about it I guess it’s stupid I’m just sad tho it’s a lot} 

_{I looked at the time and it was 5:09 am. and I just looked again and it’s 4:34 am}

_{tw sh, attempts}

_{you know how, I’ve talked about attempting here a lot} 

_{and I have attempted, a lot. lol.} 

_{but this time it’s just really different}

_{I’ve mentioned here before basically a way of doing it but I wasn’t specific I was just saying how I can’t get myself to do it because that way it’s immediate death and it would be like it can’t turn into just an attempt and you would’ve committed if you did that} 

_{and I did that. and a bunch of other stuff it was just a few minutes where I was really just destroying myself it felt so horrible but good and I don’t know I loved it it felt so chaotic}

_{i don’t think it’s bad that I liked it tho it’s just a feeling and I like hurting myself it’s just satisfying it doesn’t mean anything crazy} 

_{every other time my dad would get so mad because you know attention seeking drama queen liar and if it’s not life or death then the fact he has to pay makes him mad too. and he also says people will think I’m crazy and they’re gonna be scared of me if they find out? I’m not possessed?} 

_{the school emailed my dad one time basically wanted to send me to therapy. and he got so mad and stuff happened and I didn’t sleep that night, and I told my (ex) friend how they wanted to send me to therapy but that’s all I said. and she just joked about needing therapy and how I was lucky, and my dad saw the messages and he got so mad because therapy is for psychopaths and dangerous people and everyone’s gonna think I’m a freak and I said that’s not true and he was like yeah what’re they for then and I said you can just be sad and go to therapy and that made it so much worse I would’ve rather been stabbed to being there}

_{i actually thought that for a while tho. that therapists are for psychopaths. psychopaths aren’t just crazy people tho there’s so much to them psychopathy is  a generic/inherited condition. that girl in my year7 class that chased a guy with a metal water bottle with intentions of giving him a concussion. and you know had a pocket knife and a spare and would say some creepy things. she was diagnosed with some stuff but people just talk bad about her I feel bad. I was her best friend for a year idk she’s not actually a bad person (random topic switch I didn’t even notice :p)}

_{I can’t feel my fingers :') I’m gonna set a like 30 minute alarm and I’ll be back if it wakes me up :p} 

_{the suns up. it’s 5:14am}

_{goodnight(for 30 minutes :D)}

_{(yeah I never managed to get to how this attempt was different but it’s fine)}

_{the alarm didn't wake me up}

_{I wasn't there but I know about it, my grandma was crying about how she misses her family and my grandpa and dad started yelling at her because other people will think she's complaining about them. it doesn't even make sense. my grandma had the closest connection with her family and they're all dead literally all of them. I've heard so many stories especially ones with her dad in them her dad was so special and loved and he's dead. she had 6 siblings and they're all dead aunts and uncles and cousins, she only has contact with some of her sisters daughters now. and honestly yeah its a pretty *** place to live if she was complaining I'd agree, and apparently they were cursing and saying things they've never said before and the house was just :') my grandma hasn't slept in two days and she's just been crying all the time, I was there then but only for a couple of hours I don't know how it happened so horribly like it's days later and shes remembering and crying I wish I was there}

_{my dad's threatened to hit my grandma before. ?? she's your mom and she's like 70 something, my grandma's said before that my dad was the naughtiest and hardest to understand (out of 4 kids) one time my dad was yelling about something and my uncle was like seriously you want me to tell them? and what I got out of the whole thing was my dad left home for weeks and they got worried but he just turned out to be fine and with his friends drinking or something. I know my grandma was the best mom he could've ever asked for and she cares about and loves him, he was like don't make me (hit) you because I guess what happened was she wanted help with the tv but she wanted to learn to do it by herself so she doesn't bother anyone and my dad wasn't gonna be patient with her. but hes done worse honestly. he mocks my grandma and makes fun of her for the things she doesn't understand.} 

_{this is making me feel horrible I'll just end it here}

_{I had a friend on here and months ago I subscribed to all of her forums (the ones for talking with her friends) after I saw how she was talking about me and its just they were all lies and I actually don’t understand because I don’t know I don’t get it like you know you’re lying they wouldn’t have cared no one was talking about anything related and you just bring it up for no reason and don’t you idk feel bad? when i was 8-9 every night I’d have this horrible feeling in my stomach and I’d cry so hard I was always sick and my face would get red and puffy and I prayed to god to help me or change me or make me forget because I took something from someone and I lost it and it was so horrible I stopped breathing some times and one time I stopped breathing for so long and I couldn’t move it was so scary and I’d cry all night some days, I still think about it today.} 

_{but today I unsubscribed to all of them. I don’t care anymore and it’s not worth it.} 

_{I’ve never opened or read anything on here someone didn’t want me to read or see, I don’t feel bad about this time, I just don’t get it like this isn’t some oh she comes from an abusive household type of thing it’s just pointless why do people spread rumors and hate just don’t I mean does it make you happy or something- I don’t even know most of the people she was talking to. anywho it’s okay tho she doesn’t anymore I think and if she will again it’s okay too it’s not worth it :’)}

_{everything looks purple} 

_{I feel so dizzy and nauseous. I haven’t eaten anything since the…low fat blueberry greek yoghurt. haha :p and I am lying down I just feel so wrong}

_{I had a friend, tell my other friend (both on cups) that I’m dead.} 

_{and she wanted to deliver the news of my passing. no but she actually did she literally did and I never asked her to, I sound so mad but I’m barely moving or feeling irl, lol} 

_{I’m just idk she could’ve not. well after it with a while she said I actually wasn’t dead. but she went on about everything that happened and it’s all true but she’s making it sound like I have no chance of surviving with the “critical condition” thing which yeah true too but I’m alive  I still haven’t talked to that friend like she’s all I’m praying and hoping you’ll pull through and I don’t know what to say I didn’t even know she’d care idk if she does I’ll say something but} 

_idk

_6:31am.

_{you know how if you make up this story that happened to you and tell alot if people about it but add so much to it and you can start believing it or if you create scenarios in your head or if you tell yourself something happened to you and you add like emotions and thoughts and stuff and you start feeling and believing it all} 

I didn’t have anything to say about it I just, thought about it. it’s actually possible it can mess some people up

you can convince yourself that something physically hurts even if it doesn’t at all

:’)

_{I want to break something my ears are ringing so bad :’)} 

_{im gonna go for a while I guess I’ll just rest, byebye} 

@iloveyouxx @cathugsandharmony

look what i have :p 💕💗 

@justmeeva 

_{I went back ten pages looking for this tag and it was right here😭first of all, omg🥺omg omg omg🩷she is so angelic and adorable and peaceful💕my heart🩷I’m trying to remember the name…..uhm. noo I forgot :') she looks so precious and special and beautiful💓my eyes feel blessed lol💜I love her just by looking at her💖thankyou🩷this made my year lol :p✨💗I was having a um, horrible day :D😅💕and I was so cat deprived heh :p💞do you know what breed she is?💜}

_{and second (yes we were still on first) I’m- so sorry :') I have the longest story all about me trying to reply today and I ended up getting so mad the last time that well, I mean you didn’t ask so I won’t go on about that xD but I felt so bad and this is genuinely my…okay idk I got tired of counting but probably had over 10 attempts to reply to this today ;-; it’s 2am now idk when I started trying but after each attempt got messed up somehow I felt worse and worse and then my brain started thinking about the other reply and I feel horrible talking to you isn’t a chore and I love talking to you and the fact I get to and-🩷it’s just so unfair. I wanted to sleep at 9pm xD but I know I won’t be able to later, so I’m gonna reply to your other post right now🩷}

_{thankyou for being so sweet and understanding all the time💕I don’t have any cat photos on here T^T or well I’ll check wait xD}

_(prince)

_(friska)

_{and that’s all of them when they were first adopted (prince friska louis and ice❤️) I wasn’t there for any of those and most of whats on here is all videos} 

_{but it’s okay} 

_also

_{i know this is long for like the four words you actually sent lol :p and honestly I wasn’t really saying much anyway I was just yapping <3 so if you don’t feel like replying it’s okay really❤️}

*closes eyes and slams post*/j/j

@iloveyouxx
✨shelly✨ lol 🩷 she's a mix of a siamese cat we had, and some orange long fur cat from idk where lol :p 💕 she has a sister who's an orange short fur cat and she lives at my grandma's :p 

it's okayyy i replied 2 days late too just because *blank space because i don't have a straightforward reason* :')🤧 i'd never be mad at you for replying when you can okay? 🩷

eeeeeeeeee they're adorableeeeeeeeeee 🥺🥺 i love each and every one of them *saves mental image forever* eeeeeeee 🩷💕💗🩷💕💗🩷💕💗

_{I found a poem I wrote in April 17 2019, I’m so traumatized I can’t even share it here it’s genuinely embarrassing. I was writing it on this board with a blue marker and someone took a picture and it’s on here I’m deleting it}  

_{my male cousins coming back from London I think in three weeks}

_{today was the longest day} 

_{this is one of those rare moments where I actually don’t wanna talk about what happened}

_{we went to the cinema today, I haven’t been to a cinema in so long} 

_{it was an Arabic comedy and everyone was like mm are you sure you’re gonna be able to understand} 

…

and every time anyone wants to say something they don’t want me to understand they switch languages like yeah I haven’t got the best accent but I can still completely understand what someone’s saying and I know what stuff means 

I understood the whole thing and no one believes me

_back 

_{somewhere in the middle of the movie something happened and I started “yelling” except I wasn’t even yelling I was whispering in an angry tone and someone said stop yelling people are staring at you but I never thought they’d care about that and plus I’m gonna yell if I feel the need to I don’t yell for no reason and also (deep breath/j) if they’re gonna stare let them stare they’re not gonna remember me in 10 years} 

it’s just annoying I was ready to come on here and be like today didn’t suck but I started crying for pretty much the rest of the movie and just looking away and trying to cover it up I can’t have a *** good day can I 

buuuttt there’s always a bright side I guess :’) so on the bright side I saw a really adorable baby toddler and I can’t describe what he was doing but he was looking at me like he was waiting for an applause and I smiled at him and he smiled back :3 

_{omg :’)}

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_{I’m already crying this is so stupid}

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