in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
@justmeeva
I saw your post a couple hours ago.šin your corner.š I still get notified there- I tried to untick the "subscribe to this thread" thing. because I thought I wasn't in the place to be reading yous posts.š¤ but it didn't do anything.š¤
so I was reading the post and. I got scared.š¤ cos I thought you were talking about me.š then I realized I wasnt in 7th grade :') so that happened.š
Ive never actually- *tw* cvt before.š¤but there's a rumor that (big tw) I've picked up a blade (cos apparently someone in the school sells them) in a class and that i.. sl1t my wrist. I guess. just in the class.š¤
that rumor was made becos all that stuff and mental health in general is the biggest joke here.š¤
if you talk about not being okay others would laugh and tell others. even if you hadn't specified why. just becos it's taken as a joke here.š¤
trauma and depression and anxiety and all that- people in my school and classmates make jokes about that every single dayš¤
but they mostly make fun of and laugh about TW suicide related things.š¤
they made a joke about it literally today. in math. just randomly- but it's pretty cruel so I won't say what it was.š¤
but yeah. I didn't want to disturb your space but wanted to say this for some reason.š people go up to me now laughing with their friends and ask if I'm okay as a joke then leave before I can answer. if youd see their face expressions :')š¤it's so funny to them. I broke down at school one time. and istg everyone was just watching me and laughing so hard with their friends :')š¤ and gossiping ofc. so I chose to be numb and mute.š¤
thankyou for being different :'3š©·I- don't think I exactly know loads like youš©·sorry for dumping on you. I just-idk. I coulda sworn I had something to say :')š©· I've only told one person in my whole life about the trauma I've had since I was 3(years old). their reaction just left me deciding to suffer in silence for the rest of my life. literally.š
I'd talk to the girl maybe- or give her that hug. anything honestly. anything that shows a little care. no matter in what way or formšbut I get it if you're not that close and wouldn't want tošit's okieš
sorry for the essay. I'm not even meant to be up. :')š¤ I'm gonna go rest my eyes tho lol :'3š¤love you evafrenšš¢
@iloveyouxxĀ
idk if iām allowed to reply here so feel free to just absolutely ignore it hehe <3
itās okay, i never meant to āthrow you outā of my space, not at all š„ŗ youāre absolutely welcome there, itās just that i know youāre not doing the best right now so i didnāt wanna make you have to worry about me or deal with me or anything.. you can go there but you donāt have to, okay? š©· youāre still my friend š„ŗš©·
i know the feeling of having to hide it when youāre not okay, because youāre not understood. some people just seem to lack empathy, i donāt understand how. they donāt even want to understand. and even if they do *know* about mental health struggles and stuff, they donāt *understand* it. they just donāt. and thatās tough. but some do understand. some do.Ā
*biggest hug to you if okay* š©· you donāt have to suffer in silence nadia. i understand how itās hard to trust again once it was broken, but maybe itās worth a try. itās okay if youāre not ready to share anything yet. itās okay to take time. itās okay to not know.. anything. itās okay. but what if thereās someone who could help you? someone who would make it even just a little easier? someone who is closer to you than you might realise. youāre not helpless nadia. you deserve help and support and love. you do.Ā
rest is good š©· i love you too, nadiafren ā¤ļø
@justmeeva
nunu yous completely allowed to be here fren :0š
nuu i never felt like you wereš„ŗšand I never feel like I have to ādeal with youā D:šI just never said anything cos my support sucksĀ :')š¤and no one wants to see me there anyway. sorry Iām being negative again-
I am ?š„ŗšim- pretty sure I lost all my friendsĀ :') to idek. cups friends- they all just poofed. and I got easily replaced :> cos Iām easily replaceable. they couldāve always found someone else to save their life so. idk why Iām alive :>>Ā
im still being negative- god.Ā :') sorryš
mhmĀ :') I donāt understand it lolĀ :'3š¤not mental health- just how people *work*. idk. some people are just so- ughĀ :') cruel. it confuses me. how they sleep at night knowing what they purposely do to others. but it doesnāt matter to them. cos others pain is entertaining in their eyes. idk.š
*squeezes tight if okie*šI donāt think I know someoneĀ :')š¤someone that could help me, who would make it even just a little easier, or someone that might be closer to me than I realize. I donāt know that someoneĀ :')š¤ donāt think theyāre there eitheršitās okieeeĀ :'3š I might deserve those but I never get it. suĀ :')š
im sorry.šmy dad once said I was a whole packageā ļøidk what thatās supposed to mean T^Tši think Iām just annoying to be around- virtually too apparentlyš©·I apologize a lot.Ā :')šcos I mess up a lot I thinksš
hope youāre okieššand that you have an at least decent dayšI think itās 10am there- you wonāt like waking up to this T^Tš©·
*šš¢š¢š¢š¢š¢š¢š¢š*
@iloveyouxx
ļ»æof course you still are š„ŗ i know it can sound bad if you take it in the bad way, but istg i donāt mean it in a bad way at all; maybe.. itās not that everyone else poofed.. maybe.. itās you.. that poofed..? but keep reading, donāt go just yet. itās not a bad thing, iām not saying everything is your fault, and i understand why youāre not that active anymore. itās hard, especially right now as youāre not doing so good. but maybe you havenāt lost everything and everyone. maybe itās not too late. maybe everyoneās waiting for you, but they feel like they donāt want to bother you. itās possible, you know - you canāt always guess what people need when theyāre not so okie, some need their friends, some need space and time for themselves. maybe your friends think you need that second option? maybe you could just reach out, say hi, explain yourself when needed, talk. itās absolutely up to you, but maybe you donāt have to be alone. isnāt it worth a try? just a āhiā and see what happens. i know how our brains can tell us all kinds of bad things, make us think nobody wants us etc, but i also know that itās not at all always the case. when you think about it, you do have quite an amount of people on here who love you, donāt you? if you need anyone, reach out. and if for some reason it doesnāt work out.. then itās not your fault. you tried. you did a good thing.Ā
if your brainie let you think it was meant with bad, donāt listen to it. read it again, as if itās from someone who loves you. (ps, it is ā¤ļø). iām just trying to show you a different perspective, because itās not all gone nadia. youāre more loved around here than you know. i promise. *offers a hug* š©·
@justmeeva
:')..š
Iām sorry.šidk what Iām meant to say..šit doesnāt sound badš¤I think hoomans just think I have a āvictim mindsetāĀ :') I do talk. Iāve talked in rooms. and never left with a bye. I get ignored each time. people donāt care evaš©·I just got replaced and I donāt matter to anyone. Itās fine. I asked someone why they cared about me and they seriously couldnāt give me an answer. I asked someone else if theyād care if I died and they avoided it. I know no oneās waiting for me tho. and people bother me all the timeĀ :'3 on purpose. because its funnyš¤I know I canāt guess what someone might want. and thatās why some have said it right to me. they want me to. off- myself already. last time Iāve reached out I just realized Iām not safe anywhere anymore. I donāt want to be alone evaš©·but I am.š brains do be doing that :PšI really did try to get help before frenš©·if you want- I can screenshot you all the listeners Iāve had before(and cover their user). I tried to count a couple times. It was over 50. most of them gave up on me- Iām being literal and not just negativešI told some of them I was scared theyād give up on me and they promised they wouldnāt ever and now Iām justā¦I knew itĀ :')š¤the rest- I was their listener- no. therapist. how I was never mattered. idk.š¤I can tell you all the helplines, websites, and people Iāve tried to get help from ?šthen idk if youād still be convinced that I could get help.š©·I did poof. but I came back. no one wants me anywhere. I apologize to the world everyday for existing. idk what else Iām supposed to do.šIām sorry if I made you sad, or I sounded like I was denying anythingš©·Iām sorry for being negative and not being able to see from another perspectiveš©·Iām sorry.š©·
I love you too..š©·I doš©·thankyou for tryingš©·
@iloveyouxxĀ
iām really really proud of you for trying. even though they didnāt go so well as i see, you tried.Ā okay.. but then those people who donāt care, theyāre not the right people. itās true, you donāt always āclickā with everyone. and sometimes.. things change. feelings change. and that really sucks. but itās not always personal. sometimes.. people just kind of isolate themselves from others when theyāre not feeling well. so have you. so have i. itās not your fault. iām not trying to find excuses for the people who have been mean to you, thereās no excuse to making someone feel bad. but then.. theyāre not the right people for you. if you feel like you havenāt found your people yet, then it doesnāt mean you never will. thereās someone for everyone. cups is a big potential for that. how about the corner for the 4 of us? youāre more than welcome there. youāre missed there. but i feel like all of us are going through tough times right now, as many other teenies. i think that if you said hi there, youād get a warm welcome. i think you understand how when youāre having a hard time, itās a challenge to take care of yourself, so checking up on your friends.. you just donāt seem to have the energy for that. itās not personal, we havenāt forgotten about you, we havenāt changed our mindset or feelings for you, itās just life. lifeās making everything so hard right now. but maybe, thatās just the time to stay together the most. at least thatās the way i see it. š©·
if you asked me why i care about you, i would have an answer. youāre kind, funny, super sweet, trying so hard when itās so difficult, youāre supportive (and yes, i still think you are, even if you canāt be that right now š©·), youāre so valuable. if some people canāt see that, theyāre blind. some just.. rush to look for flaws and imperfections. and point them out. itās easy to make our brain think thatās all we have - flaws and imperfections - when people constantly bring them out. but thatās not true. some people can see your value, and itās much smarter to listen to them. to keep them.Ā
you donāt have to apologise about anything friend. itās okay š©· no need to thank me, thatās what friends are for ā¤ļø
@justmeeva
theyāre not isolating themselves from anyone thoughĀ :')š¤and not to me either.š¤some just ignore me. some just pretend we never knew each other. some make me feel left out and hurt. but a lot just say things that hurt me.š¤I donāt think my people existšeyes vents there. I donāt wanna just come in and say hi expecting a warm welcomeĀ :')šthis is nothing at all against what youāre saying btw- itās more against me if anyoneš©·and I canāt be supportive right now becos I suck at that and Iām already trying to help 6 people thatre going through active SI and yes theyve been to helplines before. they tell me Iām the only person thatās never hurt them and I know itās true and not exaggerated and it hurts. but thatās not the pointš¤. right now idk how to support. for a lotta reasons.šI donāt care about myself. sorry but itās not a challenge if I donāt bother tryingĀ :')šitās not that they donāt check on meĀ :')š¤the way I see it is thatās just the time to other stop trying and let everything go- accept the unacceptable. or go numb and do nothing but what youāre told- stay up and study past midnight, starve till youāre forced to eat, suffer with a smile. all that kinda stuff.š¤you have a beautiful way of seeing things tho frenš
I was gonna reply to the second thing- but I gotta go and donāt really feel like rewriting laterš©·love you evabeanš„ŗštake careš
I think itās a bit more unclear here-
@iloveyouxx
(Is it okie to respond here?š®)
(Awww I'm glad you found it to be beautiful hehe, Nadiaabeaniee, you're soooo beautiful and you deserve the beautiful-most things in the worldš„ŗš„°)
(Forums ruin quality upon uploading of the graphics sometime smh, would you like a link to the graphic in a better quality?š®š I can share here or in our chat-space forum hehe)Ā
(I love youuš¤š)Ā
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
sunnies :o ofccc it iss :0š
sunbeannieeeš„ŗšnot you switching this to mee :')šwe're trying to appreciate *youuuu* frenšš„ŗme thinks sunbuddy is a v appreciate-able persunšš
oo if a link shows your āØmasterpeiceāØclearer than sure xD a link sounds great heheš
lovee youu morreee alwaysš„ŗš¤š
and fren yous vv welcome here :0š¤ *pulls you outta brackets* xDš¤I didn't think I made hoomans feel unwelcomed :')š¤me just didn't think anyone wanted to be hereš¤.Ā
but sunbuddybeann has a special VIP pass XDššfrendos get special VIP passš«”šcos I'm only frens w VIPs xDš/lh
