gonna jump on the diary train

Fuck, someone saw me. I don't know them but word might get out. They probably don't even know who
i am. Someone turned the lights on. I'll have to look more carefully next time. I don't even think I'm doing it effectively

what the hell - why do the hallways smell so bad?

everyone is covering their face.

it smells like a whole bunch of different smells but the one that sticks out ot me is burnt mustard... if you can burn mustard.

Something smells burnt, something smells like mustard.

who the fuck is burning mustard

i had a dream last night where at school there was this thing called hunter morning.

there were a bunch of wobbly ladders and just seeing other people on them made me all anxious and queasy

so i went to the nurse (even though we don't even have a school nurse.) except i never made it there. My stupid vice principal caught me and made a huge deal about it (exactly as he would in real life) and then there were like 10 people following me.
i never made it to the nurse because the pressure of having all those people just made my anxiety worse. I spent half an hour just trying to lose the crowd so i could calm myself down.

Other than the weird ladder "hunter morning" and us not having a school nurse, this is 100% something that would really happen at my school.

i've been trying to friendzone this guy for over 2 years and he just texted 'love ya'

what do i do

i said thank you he said you're welcome

what now

i've been trying to friendzone this guy for 2 years. He calls me cute all the time and surprises me with compliments. He evidently likes me. He has never outright said it, but I can tell.

he even asked me on a movie date (i want to go, but i don't want it to be a romantic date. Platonic dates should be more common.) i found a way to bring my mom and little brother. Thank goodness for calendar complications.

yesterday he texted me 'love ya.'
I didn't know how to respond so i just said thank you

I appreciate his adorable cheesy flirting and him calling me cute all the time (it really really helps my self esteem) and I'm not uncomfortable with him doing it or anything. I'm just afraid that by letting him continue and appreciating it is leading him on.

i'm not quite sure what to do. I want to be careful wiht his feelings. I'm afraid it might be too late to ocme back from this. I don't know if he thinks I like him back or not.

but i posted on my instagram story, "i've been trying to friendzone this guy for 2 years and he just texted love ya. What do i do"

a girl i only barely know comes and gives up her time to talk with me and help me the best i can

She was so kind. I didn't expect anyone to reply, let alone talk so in depth with me about it.
I don't feel like i deserve that kind of kindness. Sometimes the world just sucks. I can't imagine anyone caring. I'm not worth the attention. Then when someone comes and offers such friendship, love and care, when you didn't ask them to (especially when you're not even close with them) it just blows your mind. I still haven't processed it.

why are theatre kids so nice

march break is coming up. Was supposed to be only a week. I can handle a week.

But because of the fucking coronavirus they're closing school for 2 more weeks after that.

i would rather get the virus. I'm not immunocompromised, there's only like a 5% death rate, and it's mostly among elderly people, i'm not in asia, i'd probably be fine. yeah, i know it can lead to pneumonia and stuff. i know it sucks. i've had pneumonia before. but in most cases the worst i'd get is a fever. I'm not scared. The virus doesn't worry me.
I just don't want to be away from school that long.

i probably could use a break for mental health, but i'd rather not. this will only make me more lonely and closed off. when i don't feel like doing anything, i have no choice but to go to school which keeps me busy and forces me to do stuff. and being depressed at school and being forced to do stuff is better than staring at the wall for five hours at home.
as much as i hate routine sometimes, it kind of helps to stick to one.

not to mention my friends. i'll miss them all so much.

i don't fucking wanna wait 3 weeks to get back to school

i'm hiding in my room because i'm shy and sad and salty and my brother is being annoying and i really wanna go downstairs but he's not going to bed for 15 minutes

i'm hungryyyyyyyyy

as of next week my father has to work from home. usually he's 4 hours away 5 days a week but he comes home tonight and he'll be here the whole time. my mom has told him he's not allowed to pick on me or say anything about being grateful or positive thinking (he thinks he's helping with my depression, he's not.) but he doesn't care. she's told him that plenty of times and he always brings it up again. it only makes it worse. he only focuses on what i do wrong. its been like that for so long that it's hard to believe something is not my fault. he thinks that's just from my mental issues, but i've recognized that parts of it came from him. he'll point out something i've done and i've learned to just assume i wasn't supposed to. he tells me i'm being dramatic. i tell him how hard it is to believe something isn't my fault. he gets mad. or i'll have an anxiety attack in the grocery store or something and he tells me to get over it. like i get it, you don't know what mental illness is like (he's never had to deal with it) but I would've thought you'd be more educated after living with people with mental issues. my mother has depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, and i have depression, anxiety and ADHD. my brother has ADHD and will probably get depression and anxiety in the future (it's common in ADHD brains and my mother's side of the family also has a long history of mental disorders.) i'm just glad i'll be able to be here for him. my father won't do him any good. i'm worried about his future. i don't want my father to come home for that long. he'll be working at the kitchen table and I'll be starving in my room from trying to avoid him. once i shut myself in and he brought up a nutella sandwich and some cheese strings. maybe if i do that, he'll bring me food again and I won't have to go downstairs and deal with him for long. i might have to. i haven't had to deal with him being home for more than 3 days at a time for years. and that was back when he would scream and grab my face and terrify me and compare me to my younger brother. he's gotten better and he's never physical anymore, but now he's still extremely critical of everything and it honestly is just as bad. he's always in a bad mood and when he does, he takes it out on his family. not his friends, not his coworkers, not random strangers, not clients, only his family. just because he married one of us and is a father to the others, does not give him a pass to pick on us all the time. i would honestly prefer he just not talk to me at all.

so my best friend (used to be very toxic, she changed and i let her back in) was texting me about how she wanted to kiss this guy in a movie.

i told her, "what's the deal with kissing anyway i don't get it?" Because i am not interested in kissing and i wanted to know why other people are. I just wanted her insight. Her opinion. A different perspective. Nope. She said "everyone wants to kiss someone at some point."

What i said in return is "no, i really don't see the deal with kissing, i don't think it is my thing." She said i was taking it way too seriously, but actually, i was very hurt by her comment about 'everyone wanting it at some point'.

I told her i was sorry but also expressed that it bothered me how she said that.
"It's true though," she replied, "ur really frustrating me."

I'm sorry to frustrate her but its not true and it's making me feel like there's something wrong with me and she cant just say something like that and assume it applies to everyone.

she told me that she doesnt think something is wrong with me and told me to not even dare to say that. its not that i think she thinks there's something wrong with me. it's that when i hear things like that it makes ME think theres something wrong with me.
I told her this. She told me to think about what theyre saying. I dont know what the hell that is supposed to mean but i don't like it.
I am truly sorry i'm frustrating her. I dont want to stress anyone out. But i'm also stressed and hurting and she seems to be ignoring the fact that she really hurt me and is blaming it all on me for 'taking things too seriously'. She used to do that ALL the time. This is scarily familiar. It's like it's all going to happen again. I'm getting more anxious by the second. Is she going back to her old ways? Is there actually something wrong with me? I really don't need another reason to hate myself.