gonna jump on the diary train

i got a blazer and a trench coat for my birthday and i'm pretty sure i smelled like business and secret agent and my brother even let me borrow his bow tie. i actually feel really attractive in it so whenever my self esteem is low i will be breaking out the fancy clothes

im not supposed to text after 9pm, my dad came in at 10:30 and i told him i had lost track of time and i would say goodbye to everyone, and thats what i did
then i got distracted and started watching netflix and theres no rule against staying up, im just not allowed to text after 9
he came in again at 12 and accused me of texting my friends, which i wasnt. he kept saying stuff like how can we trust you anymore?
then he said ill still take care of you because im obligated to
not because he loved me, because he was obligated to. because it was his job. because he HAD to
and it just brought up all my feelings of not belonging and being unloved and what he said just hurt me a lot and i started silently crying in shock
i was sitting there, my face unchanging, just completely taken aback by what he said and tears just rolling down one at a time
and all that emotion was too much at once and it was so much hurt that it was the closest i got to actually wanting to... leave here...
i took to biting my hand to take away the emotional pain and it bit it so hard i broke the skin and can still see the scar
my mom already knows about it and the beating i used to do
i actually started yelling at them to kill me or throw me out on the streets if they didnt want me and i wouldnt even be mad
and about how i didnt belong and shouldnt be here
i still dont know why i am here

im not supposed to text after 9pm, my dad came in at 10:30 and i told him i had lost track of time and i would say goodbye to everyone, and thats what i did
then i got distracted and started watching netflix and theres no rule against staying up, im just not allowed to text after 9
he came in again at 12 and accused me of texting my friends, which i wasnt. he kept saying stuff like how can we trust you anymore?
then he said ill still take care of you because im obligated to
not because he loved me, because he was obligated to. because it was his job. because he HAD to
and it just brought up all my feelings of not belonging and being unloved and what he said just hurt me a lot and i started silently crying in shock
i was sitting there, my face unchanging, just completely taken aback by what he said and tears just rolling down one at a time
and all that emotion was too much at once and it was so much hurt that it was the closest i got to actually wanting to... leave here...
i took to biting my hand to take away the emotional pain and it bit it so hard i broke the skin and can still see the scar
my mom already knows about it and the beating i used to do
i actually started yelling at them to kill me or throw me out on the streets if they didnt want me and i wouldnt even be mad
and about how i didnt belong and shouldnt be here
i still dont know why i am here

i

when the one thing you're proud of yourself for is something you should be disappointed in yourself for

i need to stop and realize that a mental health milestone is a milestone in recovery progress, not in getting worse

fuck (but also yay)

I'm questioning my gender. I know I'm not male, but I don't think I'm fully female. I don't have a label yet. I'm thinking maybe demigirl, as it seems to fit me the best. But i want to give it more time before I label myself. It came on very suddenly. It was like 3am and i suddenly wanted to change my pronouns and name, even after 15 years of being a comfortable cis female. i don't know what happened but it's been like a week. I would like to go by Moth now, and use they/them pronouns (she/her is fine, but I prefer they/them). I tried chest binding this morning, I have double d's so I used regular bandages and 2 sports bras. I feel good, I like how it looks.

MY FRIEND CALLED ME MOTH OH MY GOD HE HAS NO IDEA HOW VALIDATING IT FEELS TO BE CALLED MY NEW NAME BY SOMEONE ELSE OMG THANK YOU

dysphoria can go suck an egg

things suck right now

i get deadnamed 24 hours a day, i'm lonely af, and i'm so stressed over everything in life. depression, anxiety, loneliness, gender, school. i hate everything. i asked my teacher for more time to work on a project because i was stressed. my mom found out and told me if i needed extra time then i wouldn't get into university. i feel useless. betrayed. i can't believe she'd say that, she's always been there for me.

i'm done, i'm done with my mom, i'm done with my dad, i'm done with my emotions, i'm done with my scars, i'm done with my face, i'm done with my heart, i'm done with family, i'm done with love, i'm done with trying, i'm done with fighting, i'm done with waking up in the morning, i'm done with trying to get out. i'm done.