shadowmothhh Member Profile

...See more Her name is Ali. She's been my best friend for 8 years. All that time, it was amazing. She'd always be there for me. But we're in high school now, and she turned toxic. Mid-November, my anxiety, which I've had since age 7 (but has been very manageable and not severe at all) suddenly spiked very high, now I'm used to having at least 4 panic attacks a week on a normal school week. It started November 11th, that morning we had a huge fight. I used to have a lot of trouble consoling and comforting people because I'm socially awkward and didn't know how to put my sympathy into words. Whenever she'd come to me with a problem, I'd try so hard, but no words would come. I couldn't even look her in the eye. All I could do was feel sad for her. She got angry and confronted me about it one day, saying "you can't even say 'I'm here for you.' Why is that so hard for you to do?" I had come to 7cups looking for help, and maybe tips for comforting others. I told her that. "Come on, you shouldn't have to look this stuff up." I told her I'm trying. "You don't try, you just have to do. It's not that hard. It's easy." Maybe for you, it is. You've always been so good at it. It just comes naturally to you, not to me. "It's not just me though, it's everyone else. You're the only one who finds this so hard." That hurt me a lot. I know I'm not, but it hurt a lot. That was just the beginning though. my anxiety got worse, and everyone told me I was overreacting, making things a bigger deal than they are, being stubborn, being dramatic, my vice principal even thought I was faking it for attention and sent me to the office. She knows how much I hate being told these things and how tired I am of it. But she said it all anyway. We started fighting more. Whenever I would go to her with my problems, she didn't help me like she used to. She'd always either brush it off and change the subject, or she'd say "But there's nothing to be scared of, so just don't be anxious." Or she'd put all her problems on the table as if to say, "other people have it worse, be grateful." If you want me to put my problems aside to help you, just say that. I will. Just don't say that to me. Because of this, I don't feel comfortable telling her my problems. The thing is, she gets offended when I don't tell her. Not when I tell someone else first, not when I tell someone else instead, when I don't tell her. I'm apparently not allowed to "need space or alone time" or "not want to talk to her about it." whenever we fight over text, she makes me delete the texts. If you don't know, as long as she deletes them, they stay on my device but she doesn't have to see them again. If she wants to not be reminded of the fight, then she can delete the texts, and she doesn't have to be. Why would it matter that I don't have them? It's fishy. There's NO reason she needs me to delete them, unless she wants me to not have any proof of what she said, or there's something she wants me to forget about in the chaos so she can say something later and have me believe it. i keep screenshots. She told me I never even apologized for anything. Although it didn't sound like me, because I apologize way too much because of a fear of hurting people (which she caused) I still believed it. I felt terrible that I hadn't apologized. Then I went and reread the texts. I had apologized 5 times, even though I didn't know what I had done. She's been hurting me for so long. There's always something to find wrong with me. She once told me she had a mountain of homework she wanted to get done before morning and she was going to stay up late to do it. "Ok, I understand you want this done really badly, so good luck and call me if you need any help." "WOW, you've changed. You're not even telling me to get sleep." You TOLD me you wanted to stay up. I was only trying to give you what you wanted. I even offered to help you with it. I broke off the friendship. the thing is, she seems like she's changed. When she approached me the other day, she even gave off the vibe of a completely new person. She apologized and told me she had been a bitch and she realized that now. i dont want to throw away 8 years of friendship. I'd rather not stay up til 4am worrying about everything she did. I'd rather not have every reminder of her be a bad one. I'm constantly reminded of her. It's January and I have no winter coat except her old one. I don't want to make my parents buy me a new one, because they're already spending a lot to send me on trips. I just feel like anything is too much to ask from them, so I have to wear Ali's coat every day. I don't want that to be a negative reminder... I do have other friends. It's not like she's all I had. I have a couple I trust even more than her, actually feel comfortable and safe around, who actually lessen my anxiety by just being near. They understand. So I do have someone to fall back on. I'm having a really hard time deciding if Ali is worth the risk. I don't want to fall back into that trap. Can someone like her really change, and if she can, can I recover enough to not feel unsafe or uncomfortable around her?

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