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- gonna jump on the diary train
gonna jump on the diary train
if anyone wants to reply, they may. i'd love support. i'm more open on the internet than in real life. perhaps i'll find a friend.
this is just my spot to complain or rant about stuff, especially the little things i wouldn't go to a listener for. this is a place where if people choose to care, they can, but no one has to listen
and i guess i could come back to this or something and look back on my thoughts
MY FRIEND CALLED ME MOTH OH MY GOD HE HAS NO IDEA HOW VALIDATING IT FEELS TO BE CALLED MY NEW NAME BY SOMEONE ELSE OMG THANK YOU
@Jisola I'm sorry but I loled :)
You're right though it can go suck an egg
I like your new name :)
things suck right now
i get deadnamed 24 hours a day, i'm lonely af, and i'm so stressed over everything in life. depression, anxiety, loneliness, gender, school. i hate everything. i asked my teacher for more time to work on a project because i was stressed. my mom found out and told me if i needed extra time then i wouldn't get into university. i feel useless. betrayed. i can't believe she'd say that, she's always been there for me.
i'm done, i'm done with my mom, i'm done with my dad, i'm done with my emotions, i'm done with my scars, i'm done with my face, i'm done with my heart, i'm done with family, i'm done with love, i'm done with trying, i'm done with fighting, i'm done with waking up in the morning, i'm done with trying to get out. i'm done.
@Jisola Youve been in my thoughts. I'm sorry you're having such a bad time right now. I know how hard it can be when it feels like everyone in your world is against you
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@Jisola .you sound so frustrated with everyone and everything. Im sorry it's so hard right now.
@shadowmothhh everything you feel is valid, and you are absolutely allowed to feel this way. i hope for better days and being surrounded by people who care for you.
ow, this fucking hurts, this hurts, it's never hurt like this afterwards, but it fucking stings so bad. i guess that's what i wanted but this is new. was i more aggressive than usual?
The Sims 4 wont let me make a poly relationship. I got all four sims at soulmate level with each other. But everytime two of them flirt in front of another, they get sad and their relationship goes down because the sims thinks they're cheating. I flippin worked so hard in CAS and building their house and sending them on dates only to find out it won't work. If anyone knows of mods that will make this possible please let me know.
i really wanna go back to school but for the wrong reasons... why did i promise myself that? i've made it this far.
yoooooooo i finally made a friend who's seen promare! not to mention they also love big hero 6, sanders sides, psychology, doctor who, and harry potter. literally so many common interests I've never met someone who loves so many of the things i love!
i just helped a few people calm down, talked to multiple people at once and somehow kept it together. feeling confident and proud of myself :) also, does anyone have any advice on how to behave around littles?
@shadowmothhh Hey :) I think its awesome that you were able to help some people calm down and kept yourself calm too! You should be proud of yourself.
As for littles, some of it depends on ages and how they are themselves. Some like to goof around and have fun. Some are more timid and shy. Be gentle and kind. Patience helps too.
It's nice to see you back. :)
@mytwistedsoul thank you so much! i missed your kind words :) and thank you for the advice! plus, now that i regress myself, I think i have a better understanding.
lying on my kitchen floor hehe
i think my mom's in the bathtub but it's 1 am and the living room a mess right now
oooooooooo
that was really fun, i'm glad i tried that! the living room is a mess now and there's blankets and pillows everywhere and i have marker all over my hands, but i feel good :)
super fucking worried for school
1. what if someone catches me in the bathroom?
2. what if i go into little space involuntarily?
3. what if i have panic attacks so frequently they think i'm faking it (more than they already do)?
4. what if they deny me a break?
5. what if mr. cotes tries to suspend me or punish me or something?
6. what if they write me off as a troublemaker?
7. what if i get anxious during lunch?
8. what if they find my bag?
9. what if i have a panic attack in my binder?
10. whta if i can't carry everything in my backpack?
11. what about when i start crying in class?
12. i'm gonna be in a math class full of 9th graders i don't know
13. whta if i can't go anymore, what if it's just too much?
i literally want to go to school to be able to cope with my depression again. this is just going to heighten my anxiety. it's not gonna get any better
i've literally gotten sent to the office for having anxiety (and not to calm down, as in like, i got in trouble for it) so who's to say it won't happen again?
i'm gonna make myself some more snacks and snuggle up on the couch and watch some netflix. i wasn't able to regress any time during the day so i like to do it at night downstairs. i don't want my dad knowing about it, but he's not coming home tonight so i can stay up!
I just got asked out on a date by one of my close friends!! I would literally love to I'm so happy
1.
im sorry for not being who you want me to be
im sorry for being lazy
im sorry for being inconsiderate
im sorry for crying
im sorry for hurting you
im sorry for hurting myself
im sorry for being little
im sorry for being annoying
im sorry for everything
i want to be good for you
2.
im sorry for letting you down
im sorry for making promises i cant keep
im sorry for not sleeping
im sorry for lying
im sorry for being scared of you
im sorry for not being a good support system
im sorry for thinking recklessly
im sorry for acting on impulse
im sorry for wanting to give up
you are the only thing keeping me alive right now
@shadowmothhh someone told me they were going to send this to a friend tomorrow. i don't know how to respond to thta but i'm not okay with it. i wrote this because i'm in a really dark place. i'm probably just being selfish but it seems inconsiderate to me for someone to take my pain and use it like that
i want everyone to just forget about me. maybe then i wouldn't hurt anyone if i disappeared...
she's taken me back to december. when i was scared of hurting her, when i constantly feared her reaction. when i be t over backwards to give her what she wanted. when i convinced myself everything was my fault. when i sacrificed every bit of my mental health for hers. when i let her use me as a punching bag. when i was prepared to do the worst for her happiness. i thought i had learned from that to put myself first sometimes. but a part of that headspace still stays with me, just like the emotional scars. and the other scars? well, they've been growing every time i fail her and get mad at myself. i've always been a people pleaser. the hardest thing about that is how hard it is on you when yoh try so hard and it hurts, it hurts so bad, and you give into all the anxiety and the depression and still, you fail to make them happy...
she deadnames her sibling because she's mad at them and says "she deserves it", then later tells me "this isn't the time to leave me on read" while i'm in the middle of typing a reply to her vent. i understand she can be a bitch when she's hurt and angry and i know it isn't her so i'm completely willing to have her take it out on me so she doesn't get in trouble with her family. but it's really hard to deal with at times and it hurts
she deadnames her sibling because she's mad at them and says "she deserves it", then later tells me "this isn't the time to leave me on read" while i'm in the middle of typing a reply to her vent. i understand she can be a bitch when she's hurt and angry and i know it isn't her so i'm completely willing to have her take it out on me so she doesn't get in trouble with her family. but it's really hard to deal with at times and it hurts
i want to go somewhere... somewhere fascinating... somewhere i dont have to worry about how other people perceive me regarding gender, where i dont have to worry about being anxious alone... with someone i can trust... preferably someone who has never known the old me... someone whod know what its like to change... and would give me a break if i need one, and would hug me... somewhere theres good new food to try, new interesting people to meet... places to be discovered, songs to be sung, languages to be learned... somewhere instead of being depressed, i could have adventures and have fun with people who see me for me... instead of being alone in the dark with a panic attack or dysphoria, i had someone to pull me out of it, and then wed jump right back into whatever awesome thing we were doing, because we would always be doing something awesome... it would just be so comforting to know theyd be there... where wed go, i have no idea... i dont care as long as its somewhere not here... maybe id ask whoevers taking me to surprise me... id love to see what other peoples idea of an adventure is... id love that, id think i was dreaming but wouldnt try to wake up... maybe im fantasizing too much, creating wishes and dreams and fiction to cope... but i will never stop, because im lonely and im itching for something excited and interesting... i want someone to take care of me, someone i can take care of, new experiences, happy ones, funny ones, scary ones that turn out alright in the end... wouldnt that be awesome? oh, universe, how i love you...
Bringing the kn*fe and first aid kit to the gathering, just in case, even though i know i shouldn't.
