gonna jump on the diary train

i've known my english teacher for not even 2 days and he's already treating me like a little kid and looking over my shoulder occasionally

is it because i wrote on that get to know me paper that i had anxiety? or was the adhd? or does he just not trust me? the vice principal doesn't trust me. i don't know why. i'm never out of class without a good excuse, i don't ever skip class even when i don't even feel like going to school. i don't even know what i did.

maybe the vp talked to my english teacher

this is why i don't want my school concerned about my mental health or involved in anything to do with it because they don't help, and the teachers only listen to other teachers

we had to pick out a silent reading book from the library

i didn't see anything i was interested in, the english teacher noticed and starts acting like i'm a little kid and tries to pick out a book for me. he tried to make me pick out of 2 books i wasnt even remotely interested in. no offense, mr. wilson, but i'd rather read about herpes.

then he got the librarian involved and she made me feel even more pressured, my anxiety was really getting the best of me

i just wanted to run away.

i ended up getting away from them and picking out a book last minute. it's about this kid who time travels to ancient egypt and i think there's fire or something and a lizard person. i don't even like to read anymore

i don't feel safe in this classroom

in music class now, nothing has started. i skipped breakfast (just forgot this time) so i grabbed some cheerios from the breakfast program but i don't feel like eating it

there's the smell of buttered popcorn and boys' deodorant.
i want out

got 2 friends back. don't feel so alone anymore

love you guys so much

I just made this and i don't even know what the hell i am doing with my life anymore.

What am I even supposed to do with it

@Jisola

ok, i obviously haven't figured out the picture thing yet

it was a slab of wood painted brown and covered in buttons

totally pointless. what the hell did i even make it for? i don't know man

I went to a "jam session" on Friday. I expected it to be a get-together for a bunch of teenagers who like music, where you brought your own instruments, played with other people, and shared your love of music with others, and just had fun.

It was actually a dysfunctional family rock band who rented out the community centre to look for new members.

It was scary. The band manager (who was scary) was the mother of AT LEAST one kid. She kept telling him he was making things extremely difficult and I don't even know what he did. Another kid kept pressuring his sister to play bass, even when she didn't want to. He once got off his instrument. The manager stared him right in the eye and told him, "What are you doing? Back on the drums!" and snapped her fingers at him.

It wasn't even my sound.

I sing and play piano and ukulele. I mostly write my own songs. I didn't know any of the songs they were playing (they could really only play songs everyone already knew or could quickly learn) except for Zombie by the Cranberries. I could've sang that. But we couldn't play it because nobody could play the bass line.

People kept sighing and yelling at each other. The band manager was getting fed up with her kid(s) and I had a panic attack.

Total rip-off, left early, never going back.

I just predicted the future through my dream yesterday. I have a long distance friend who lost his phone back in september and he was out of contact for 5 months. My messages stopped even delivering.

Had a dream that I texted him and he replied almost instantly. Woke up, still pretty early, went back to sleep. Had the exact same dream. Woke up, decided to text him just in case, because that was strange. It went through and he replied almost instantly. What the hell.

i'm fucking stupid. i had a good day yesterday. everytime i have a good day the depression hits badly the next day or two. good days are a warning sign. i knew how today was gonna be. i'm supposed to be writing lyrics for someone. I could've done it yesterday. I knew yesterday that today was gonna be like this. I'm not in a good place to do anything right now. I can't fucking do it now. If i knew how it was gonna be why didn't i just fucking do it? Now they have to wait even longer. What the hell am i doing

ok...

i'm trying to get better...

but yesterday i set foot on a path i promised myself i would never venture down...

and i have made things worse. but now, i can't stop.

it's only going to go downhill from here, i know.

when will the bruises show up? I need to know if I

my close friend seems to be avoiding me.

i know it's probably because they probably think i'm avoiding them because i'm socially awkward and i usually sit by myself because i think no one wants to sit with me. I never ask them to hang out because i feel like they'd just say yes to be polite and i'd spend the rest of the time thinking they're not enjoying it and just feels pressured to hang out with me. I do this with a lot of people.
but instead of actually believing that's why, i think i'm doing something else wrong. They just suddenly stopped talking to me that much and don't seem to acknowledge me
i don't know why he's actually doing it. And it's just me. They don't distance themself from anyone else. So its not just depression, it's me specifically. They talk to other people a lot and i rarely see them alone.
i want them back. I'm going through a really hard time and I need them. Plus the fact that I'm extremely worried about them. Even if they've just decided they don't want me anymore, i still want to make sure they will be ok. It would lift a huge weight off my shoulder if i knew for sure they were going to be ok, and an even bigger one if i could be the one to help them.
I'm sorry, i never meant to do you harm. I never meant to avoid you. I really really miss you. I want to be there for you and i need you to be here for me.

The bruises have shown up. I know I'm doing it right

@Jisola I like this, seems like a good idea, ive never been too fond of writing but since ive found 7cups, its easier to share thru the keyboard, thanks for sharing this!!

@MelG919

thank you so much! I felt the same way. I had a diary once but i never really liked it that much. This is so much easier to do.

hahahahahaaaaaaaaa i got no sleep

who the hell keeps coming and upvoting my useless posts

@Jisola Hey - How are you? :) Sorry - I didn't mean to invade and I kept meaning to say hey or something - I can be alittle shy at times

But I am the one upvoting - lol - a silent supporter but if you'd rather I didn't - I can stop

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you for coming in and thank you for upvoting! It let me know you were there and I was being acknowledged. Thanks for showing your support! I'm doing not too great right now but hoping it will get better later. I've seen you around the forums and am glad to have you take notice in me.

@Jisola You're welcome and thank you

I'm sorry to hear that you aren't doing so well today. I'm sorry to hear about your cold too. It would suck to go to school and have them tease you about the latest virus - like you don't have enough of things to worry about.

I hope you feel better and have a better day

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you for coming in and thank you for upvoting! It let me know you were there and I was being acknowledged. Thanks for showing your support! I'm doing not too great right now but hoping it will get better later. I've seen you around the forums and am glad to have you take notice in me.

i just caught a terrible cold from my dad. gearing up for all the coronavirus jokes i will get from literally everyone who finds out. keep 'em rolling (and no, it's not corona.)

possible trigger warning

in english we had this assignment where we had to pick a short story at random and do work about it. the one i got was the black cat by edgar allen poe.

if you guys don't know, it's a terrible story (and i love animals, especially cats). It's about a drunk dude who cuts out his cat's eyeball with a knife and then later hangs the cat.

i got so uncomfortable that i couldn't continue reading it and actually had to request that the teacher change my story.

it disturbed me so much that half an hour later i'm still hiding and crying about it. I wish i had never been exposed to that. there was never even a warning that poe writes dark and graphic stories. I didn't know what to expect.
I don't even know how it ended because i was so disturbed. I don't wanna know.

i can't believe it was even a choice without at least a warning.

@Jisola I can't believe they would offer a story like that. As a fellow animal lover - that would have disturbed me too. Just senseless cruelty :(

dammit i have to go to school in 40 minutes and i'm still not out of bed

@Jisola did you make it to school on time? :)

@MelG919

yup, luckily

I caught my dad's cold. I feel (and probably look) like death. This sucks

on the bright side, I get to cut my hair short tomorrow and on sunday I'm going to the new bnha movie

I cut my hair.

It was down to my armpits. Now it's up at my chin.

I look like a lesbian. I dig it.

I actually feel pretty. I'm happy with my hair.

I also just saw the new My Hero Academia movie.

It was mindblowingly awesome.

I want to hibernate.

I want to sleep throughout the week. Wake me on the weekend and I'll eat as much as I can. Then I'll go back to sleep and hibernate through march break.

Weekends are snack breaks, nothing but sleep the rest of the time. That's how I want it to be.

not dead, but sleeping. Sleep is just death without the commitment.

anyone remember Code Lyoko? That show is older than me but I just found out about it and I have decided that you're never too old for anything. I've been bingeing it all weekend.
Theme song is SO catchy. Downloaded the english version, memorized the french version (french is better.)

I can't choose a favourite character. I need help. If anyone watches it, tell me your favourite character and why. I'm almost done season 3 and still can't pick a favourite.

Freakin' love it. I get obsessed with the weirdest things. So underrated.

Fuck, someone saw me. I don't know them but word might get out. They probably don't even know who
i am. Someone turned the lights on. I'll have to look more carefully next time. I don't even think I'm doing it effectively

@Jisola Hey - You know I read your thread so - I know you had mentioned bruises before and - Well - I don't want to pry but - if you'd ever like to talk about anything - You can allways reach out - ok? What ever you're going through - you don't have to do it alone. There are people who won't judge or make fun. No pressure of course - just a gentle reminder :)

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you. I appreciate this.

@Jisola Anytime - ok? :)

what the hell - why do the hallways smell so bad?

everyone is covering their face.

it smells like a whole bunch of different smells but the one that sticks out ot me is burnt mustard... if you can burn mustard.

Something smells burnt, something smells like mustard.

who the fuck is burning mustard

@Jisola

ok now i smell paint on top of all that

i wanna know what is going on

quit polluting the halls with paint and mustard

@Jisola

and... glue and cherry lip gloss? what are you people doing seriously

@Jisola

smells so far:

- burnt mustard

- paint

- glue

- liquid latex (worst smell in the world)

- cherry lip gloss

i had a dream last night where at school there was this thing called hunter morning.

there were a bunch of wobbly ladders and just seeing other people on them made me all anxious and queasy

so i went to the nurse (even though we don't even have a school nurse.) except i never made it there. My stupid vice principal caught me and made a huge deal about it (exactly as he would in real life) and then there were like 10 people following me.
i never made it to the nurse because the pressure of having all those people just made my anxiety worse. I spent half an hour just trying to lose the crowd so i could calm myself down.

Other than the weird ladder "hunter morning" and us not having a school nurse, this is 100% something that would really happen at my school.

i've been trying to friendzone this guy for over 2 years and he just texted 'love ya'

what do i do

i said thank you he said you're welcome

what now

i've been trying to friendzone this guy for 2 years. He calls me cute all the time and surprises me with compliments. He evidently likes me. He has never outright said it, but I can tell.

he even asked me on a movie date (i want to go, but i don't want it to be a romantic date. Platonic dates should be more common.) i found a way to bring my mom and little brother. Thank goodness for calendar complications.

yesterday he texted me 'love ya.'
I didn't know how to respond so i just said thank you

I appreciate his adorable cheesy flirting and him calling me cute all the time (it really really helps my self esteem) and I'm not uncomfortable with him doing it or anything. I'm just afraid that by letting him continue and appreciating it is leading him on.

i'm not quite sure what to do. I want to be careful wiht his feelings. I'm afraid it might be too late to ocme back from this. I don't know if he thinks I like him back or not.

but i posted on my instagram story, "i've been trying to friendzone this guy for 2 years and he just texted love ya. What do i do"

a girl i only barely know comes and gives up her time to talk with me and help me the best i can

She was so kind. I didn't expect anyone to reply, let alone talk so in depth with me about it.
I don't feel like i deserve that kind of kindness. Sometimes the world just sucks. I can't imagine anyone caring. I'm not worth the attention. Then when someone comes and offers such friendship, love and care, when you didn't ask them to (especially when you're not even close with them) it just blows your mind. I still haven't processed it.