gonna jump on the diary train
if anyone wants to reply, they may. i'd love support. i'm more open on the internet than in real life. perhaps i'll find a friend.
this is just my spot to complain or rant about stuff, especially the little things i wouldn't go to a listener for. this is a place where if people choose to care, they can, but no one has to listen
and i guess i could come back to this or something and look back on my thoughts
she's taken me back to december. when i was scared of hurting her, when i constantly feared her reaction. when i be t over backwards to give her what she wanted. when i convinced myself everything was my fault. when i sacrificed every bit of my mental health for hers. when i let her use me as a punching bag. when i was prepared to do the worst for her happiness. i thought i had learned from that to put myself first sometimes. but a part of that headspace still stays with me, just like the emotional scars. and the other scars? well, they've been growing every time i fail her and get mad at myself. i've always been a people pleaser. the hardest thing about that is how hard it is on you when yoh try so hard and it hurts, it hurts so bad, and you give into all the anxiety and the depression and still, you fail to make them happy...
she deadnames her sibling because she's mad at them and says "she deserves it", then later tells me "this isn't the time to leave me on read" while i'm in the middle of typing a reply to her vent. i understand she can be a bitch when she's hurt and angry and i know it isn't her so i'm completely willing to have her take it out on me so she doesn't get in trouble with her family. but it's really hard to deal with at times and it hurts
she deadnames her sibling because she's mad at them and says "she deserves it", then later tells me "this isn't the time to leave me on read" while i'm in the middle of typing a reply to her vent. i understand she can be a bitch when she's hurt and angry and i know it isn't her so i'm completely willing to have her take it out on me so she doesn't get in trouble with her family. but it's really hard to deal with at times and it hurts
i want to go somewhere... somewhere fascinating... somewhere i dont have to worry about how other people perceive me regarding gender, where i dont have to worry about being anxious alone... with someone i can trust... preferably someone who has never known the old me... someone whod know what its like to change... and would give me a break if i need one, and would hug me... somewhere theres good new food to try, new interesting people to meet... places to be discovered, songs to be sung, languages to be learned... somewhere instead of being depressed, i could have adventures and have fun with people who see me for me... instead of being alone in the dark with a panic attack or dysphoria, i had someone to pull me out of it, and then wed jump right back into whatever awesome thing we were doing, because we would always be doing something awesome... it would just be so comforting to know theyd be there... where wed go, i have no idea... i dont care as long as its somewhere not here... maybe id ask whoevers taking me to surprise me... id love to see what other peoples idea of an adventure is... id love that, id think i was dreaming but wouldnt try to wake up... maybe im fantasizing too much, creating wishes and dreams and fiction to cope... but i will never stop, because im lonely and im itching for something excited and interesting... i want someone to take care of me, someone i can take care of, new experiences, happy ones, funny ones, scary ones that turn out alright in the end... wouldnt that be awesome? oh, universe, how i love you...
Bringing the kn*fe and first aid kit to the gathering, just in case, even though i know i shouldn't.