In the Corner

Is anyone up?

The urge to be mean is there and it is strong. Plus im floating rn. Which means the guilt is in the back, which means i might be mean

Its weird, floating has its pros and cons lol. Pro when i hv sh type of urges. I dont get emotional, or panicked and cn resist the urge. But when i want to be mean, (and woah, want is a strong word), well…

emotions are important in that regard. And guilt is a very important emotion in that regard.

last time i gave into the urge to just be mean, i snapped out of it after upsetting someone and had a…couple of bad days.

And the urge still came back smh. 

Watch out, i guess.

seriously. Im currently mad at the world and possible everyone in it except @justmeeva and one irl friend of mine. Sorry flowers and nadia, but sometimes, anger burns without a reason, and it seems like theres only two people who escape mine in these days. even tho there are million others who did nothing wrong :/

Tw

Just searched up what to do when you feel like hurting others.

(that wasnt my first search. My first search was a site more anonymous in this, because of the urge to go there and just be mean to someone. 

I closed the tab and then search this)

I got things of people feeling like physically hurting others and advice and stuff for that. But it isnt that for me and im just feeling more frustrated as i search now. I dont want to physically hurt others. Its like, like those stupid trolls or bots who go about arguing with others, like i need to upset someones brain and make them feel all confused and scared and…

hurt.

isnt that just awful of me? Can you believe i tried once? It wasnt satisfactory, oh i felt ill after that, bit theres a voice in my head taunting me, taunting me for being too weak to hurt.

see? I need therapy, and whoever is reading this needs a better friend than I.

Tww

searching and

an example: I’m standing in the kitchen chopping vegetables. My brother comes in the kitchen and asks me if I need any help. I’m about to ask him to wash the broccoli when an image suddenly comes to mind of him standing at the sink with his back to me and me holding the knife behind him. What if I stab him in the back? God forbid I think to myself as I shudder at the thought and try to put it out of my mind—Who thinks such things? I set the knife aside for a minute and say, “I’m good, but thanks for offering. Feel free to keep watching the game.” I wait until he’s out of the room before picking up the knife again.

an example of what the author called “Malevolence OCD” (MOCD)

(Idothisalotespeciallywithmysistertherearesomanywhatifs)

This isnt the only way i get the urges (maybe, maybe its bcz when i float theres no anxiety to follow and im left with is the mental image of doing it)

and usually, its not physically hurting someone that my stupid, ugly brain urges me to do… 

Im in a really bad mental place rn 

I’ll come to you vv soon lovely 

Agh…mean mood’s gona and i didnt upset anyone. Yay? Got a blaring headache tho. Proof that wasnt easy, i guess. 

Better the headache than being mean i guess

I swear i really want a therapist. Im willing to accept anything, try anything to improve myself. But i have nothing to try. The only people ive ever been able to confide in is teenagers across the globe. Ughhh i cld do with a therapist. A nice, kind female one.

or hey, maybe i just want a good mom. 

*thinks of the mother voice*

*apologizes to mother voice*

*feels weird*

uhhhhh imma go to tcr to stop being weird-

Uhhh putting the ipad down tc lovelies bye <3

I had a very bad day yesterday admittedly but i was okay by night (cousins <3) and i am ok right now i think so okay, lets do this. 

(Theres always a part of me that feels guilty for being okay, but guilt’s like a part of me by now so thats okay)

*hugs everyone if oki*