In the Corner
Sometimes, the thoughts in my head repeat over and over and over again until I need to tell them to someone, even if noone's listening. So, this is my little corner to do that. Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts. Trigger warnings, just incase. And, @LoveMyMoonflowers, @justmeeva @DarkerPlaces and @iloveyouxx are welcome to replies. Not really comfortable with anyone else. Sorry for tagging. Be safe everyone <3
Feels so emtpy
(are we even here?)
Ok ummm, after roughly 45 mons of alternating between crying and trying to distract myself thru fanfiction (which probably wasnt healthy but ok) i hv calmed down…somewhat.
I still really want my frnds but everytime i think of them i start crying again so we’re not gonna go there-
i dont rlly know how i feel rn… or what i need (other than my *** frnds-)
@justmeeva i will msg my frnd asap..but i hv to wait really long…
chiefs telling me to get my life together heh. Thats good advice i say. Im not going to do that i say. He says it was worth a shot
Chief and mother r weird, heh, theyre like imaginary frnds in my head. But thats okay i think. Todays the second time chief spoke…i kinda knew hed come when im being dumb heh
Coming back here and realizing i actually spent 2 hours a m e s s…
I tried to study after that whole thing. In the past 3 hours i did one math exercise… 😬
4 days left till exam including today…and ofcourse thats when i start to go downhill
*** but i gotta study something today
Tw
*me building walls around me irl and hoping someone will see im hving a really bad day*
*my mom, calling me an idiot etc and yelling at me infront of my 14yr old cousin bcz i accidentally spilled something on my shirt. The shirt is old. It wasnt even a big deal-*
Atleast my cousin was kind enough to pretend not to hear. Like zero reaction. Didnt even blink. I prefer it that way xD
Literally the moment i spilled it my aunt, uncle and grandmother started almost _panickingly_ assuring us thats its okay, dont worry bout it, keep eating (at dinner time) and glancing at mom
Who had already started glaring me
And kept glaring
The whole dinner
And then made that scene in front of my cousin about it
Like bruh.
I was literally being swarmed by unsafe thoughts today
And she freaked
Over a spill
Tw Im still doing bad today…every few minutes the tears come and i blink them away…
Im also getting physically weaker. I cant eat nowdays- i always ate lesser than anyone else, but now i have half of what i used to eat, which is barely anything. My legs have been aching for 2 days now, my headaches have fewer breaks in between, and when i tried to practice some kicks i found i couldnt balance on one leg long enough to do the kick right. Thats…probably not good? Especially since just a week ago my kicks were getting stronger and more balanced? So losing all that energy in a week…thats a bit too fast. Id be scared to check my weight rn…i definitely feel like i must hv ruined my progress in that direction.
Mom says im thinner.
I cant eat
Dad called. He says my mission is to just give the exams.
“Forget everything else. Your mission- give the exams. Eat those exams. Focus on nothing else”
My brain yelled, Im not eating nowadays
My brain yelled, I cry too much now
My brain yelled, My friend could be de-d and you dont even know they exist
Chief said, I think your dad has a point
and just like that, i gave in
Patience. Thats what i need right now. I need to be patient. 2 months, and these exams are over. 2 months, and i can finally focus on why im not eating, or how weak i feel, or how scared i am of losing someone.
Until then, give the exams. Give the exams, give the exams, give the exams.
