In the Corner

Someone said "arrogance and self doubt arent opposites, they go hand-in-hand" and suddenly my own behavior at home makes alot more sense to me 

Tw de- th , grief (?)

I honestly dont know

My maths sir, throughout grade 8, cultivated in me an interest in maths that never existed before, and was so sure but somehow not overbearing, not stressful, about the fact that id do great in maths, that i got full that year, and full the next, and almost full this last year, three years after

But like after 8th grade sometimes I'd almost start talking about maths sir but wouldnt have anything to say, like he was on my mind but not on my mind, just at the tip of my tongue

And then in 10th H. said he has cancer. It got bad but hes back in school now so he must be better?

Alright, i thought. Alright, alright.

But then i moved and I opened the school fb which i still do, daily, without fail, like theres no such thing as move on, and i saw a photo of him getting an award (and why now? I remember thinking that. After 30 years of teaching in that school, and no recognition, why now?)

And I looked at him and i couldnt breathe, honestly, i couldnt exist, everything just froze, and he was angled so that he was looking right into the camera but it wasnt the camera he was looking at, and his hair was white, like never before, and his face was worn down, and everything about him was wrong

And two days later he was gone

And sometimes (everyday) i open my mouth and almost say "My maths sir..."

And then the rest of the sentence hits me. Every single day. My maths sir is gone, and hes never coming back.

And everyday i look at the quran, in secret, and the bible, in secret, and the torah, and mom yells at me because im not religious but what is religion, whered it come from, and everyday i have the same question

What happens when youre under the ground?

And he knows. He knows, hes facing it, that unknown i dont know a thing about

(And i have so much more to say, about de- th, about grief, about what is and what has passed and what remains through it all, about the whys and hows and whens, but its night now, and everything i have written will go through my head again tomorrow, and after, until-?)

moms bias is so so obvious its almost funny. mostly stupid. a bit insane, how she herself never sees it and believes herself fair.

My moms very proudly giving her version of events to dad. Im in here taking online class and holding back on going outside and yelling. God, how am i expected to stay calm