In the Corner

Tw-

an explanation is required, i think. So- 

✨Cruel Thoughts✨ 

one- apparently, they were triggered! I didnt realize till today but yesterday, i went to sr and saw someone who ive seen be mean etc twice before there, and they said hi and everyone else (including sm frnds) in sr started saying hi so i felt kinda trapped and responded and got caught in the convo abit but i also felt a flash of anger at that person and then bam! Thoughts. 

(Thats the first time, ive ever noticed a potential trigger)

two- cruel thoughts- recent development. Why? I think its a weird coping thing. Power thing maybe. A sort of “i can hurt others too” i really dont like it tho.

three- ive never done what the thoughts told me to. I got rlly close last night (to pretending that id tw attempt) but instead i typed it out and the urge lessened/ 

four- I know i shldnt push anyone away, but i cldnt help but putting the choice out there. That you can leave. That you dont have to stay. 

(I know that ppl who feel like they have to wont change their minds on reading this.

but maybe its better for those who do change their minds to get away)

Anyways, I am sorry i tried to push yall away. Isolation is not a smart choice. I know this, because a large part of me knows alot of things related to my problems or actions. I just have trouble applying them to me. It’s hard to love yourself. Alot of what I do is for me, but its not…gentle to me. And i think the lines get kinda muddy and unclear. Sometimes i feel like i dont deserve the support i get here, that others need it more. But pain is incomparable. I say it so much to others, i just need to see it myself. Pain is incomparable. And its not really fair that I tried to push yall away when i wld never leave yall myself. so, heres my sorta apology for that, i guess.

I could really do with a therapist, but its whatever. 

Uh today i found out my exams will be from 26 march till 5 may. Thats really long but uk. Yeah

@unassumingEyes 

eyes love we’re not here because we have to. a friendship isn’t forced, a good one isn’t, and ours is good. we’re here because we want to. we choose to. that’s what friends are for - it’s much easier to get through hard times when you know you’re not alone. your thoughts and your feelings aren’t your fault and i understand that. i’ll stay with you, no matter what ❤️

@justmeeva i know-ish. Im…learning, i guess. Thanks eva frmd ❤️ im here for you too, oki? Because I want to be ❤️

@justmeeva I gotta go study frnd 

tc <3

@unassumingEyes 

i’m off to school too, ttyl 🩷

3 conflicts in sr today- or was it 4?

@unassumingEyes one was with a frnd too. Yaaaay/sar

U myt be thinking, eyes is really bad at breaks. Well, eyes is currently bad at everything, so no need to be surprised lol

@unassumingEyes

*sitting with you if okie* 🥺 i don’t think you’re bad at everything friend… :') but yeah tbh our brains can say such things …😔 make us believe that we can’t do anything right or we are doing everything bad … 😞 but nuuu brainie just being mean :') it’s hard to see the good in ourselves, it’s much easier to see the flaws and believe those are the only things there… 😞 *huggiie for you if okay* 

your buddies love you vvv much. flowers loves you friend 💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers *hugs* me loves you too frnd ❤️

i just…i keep getting expected to be as good as my sis…she’s in uni right now…im not that capable and it shld be okay but mom and dad dont get that…i got 91% in 9th grd exams and they were upset…ill probably get worse these exams and idk what ill do 😔 theyll prob take away any devices, internet and yell at me, maybe put me in summer camp and stuff… idk 😔

@unassumingEyes

*hugs tight* 91% is really good though, im vvv sorry friend… 😞 your parents are meaniies ): 

@LoveMyMoonflowers idk my dads oki like i said. But even he said he was disappointed 🫥

@unassumingEyes

that would hurt, friend… 😞

@LoveMyMoonflowers *hugs* me loves you too frnd. 

@LoveMyMoonflowers my first reply didnt post so i wrote another one,

then both posted 🫡

@unassumingEyes

lol dw it happens 

Tw when i grow up ill be hving an arranged marriage and everyone tells me its too early to worry bout that but its a *** arranged marriage man im gonna worry for the next 10ish years till it happens okay- 

@unassumingEyes

awwe nuuuu friend… 🥺😞 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

tw yea…is it weird that i hope itll be from any of my old friends-that-were-boys? I didnt hv a thing for em or anything but atleast ill know a lil about em then. Like the fact that they’re not one of those creepy dudes-

@unassumingEyes

im so sorry 😞 that shouldn’t be happening ): you should choose if/when/who you wanna marry… 😞 hopefully then things might change a bit…? you might have a say, then. 10 years from now, you might be on your own. 💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers yeah, maybe. Ill have say of sorts, yani they wont proceed without my consent, but ill hv to choose from random strangers ive never met on the basis of their background etc. that sounds more like choosing an employee… 🫥 

@unassumingEyes

bruh what… :') that does sound like choosing an employee *smh.* 😞 maybe before then, you can try to leave and be on your own? ): maybe go to another country? :') 

Imma shut up for now-

@LoveMyMoonflowers i asked the OP of the teen safety post if they knew why it was taken down, are they gonna do anything etc. and they said that it was taken down cause they thought it wld create more conflict and told OP to pm H or Obs so atleast we get sm explanation (altho we werent creating more conflict but whatever :/)

@unassumingEyes

oof… :/

the conflict in rooms is crazy. and :') 

the ***… it’s extending to PMs… :') 

@LoveMyMoonflowers Im sorry 🥺 it is crazy…had so many today…

@unassumingEyes

im so sorry friend… 🥺😞 *offers huggie* 

@LoveMyMoonflowers *gentle hugs*

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

idk. That wld be leaving behind everyone. Including dad and sis and any frnds i can make here. Which is…idk

@unassumingEyes my parents marriage was arranged.

arranged doesnt mean bad it can work ive seen it work but theres no trial. Like when dating, if ur bf gets creepy and weird or u two just fall out u cn end it easily with some feels (unless theyre reallyy bad, i know there are situations where u cn still get stuck)

but theres no trial in arranged marriage. We hv the right to divorce (Khula) but its not an easy process and theres pressure not to so uk its scary. And noone tells me anything cuz im “just 15” but i wanna know and be prepared

( i wanna know if its trash and if i shld run-) 

@unassumingEyes

im vvv sorry friend all that must be scary and it must be a lot of pressure. 😔 i just… hope you’ll keep your well-being first ok? and your safety. you need to be safe 💜 and comfortable. :') and… if being in your own someday means safety and comfort then it’s good. 

idk - i don’t wanna say too much bc i know it’s not my place but i just… don’t want something like… yk ): to happen. 😞 an arranged marriage… mmm. 😞 marriage is supposed to be a good thing but so many people out there do this kind of thing to their kids and that ain’t good or safe. 😞 

i know you’re not sure about it all because… tbh, even when people hurt us, especially family… we still have that loyalty towards them. somehow. idk why but we do… even when they ain’t loyal to us we tend to be loyal to them :/ 

uh forget everything i said my brain isn’t braining and idk what i’m talking about. 

im sorry 😞 

@LoveMyMoonflowers i didnt see this yesterday :0 probably cuz of my net but anyway-

i think what u said was right. Like, right right. Esp the loyalty thing. And hving one parent thats 👎🏻 and one thats 👍🏻…its really confusing. And in my culture, everyone has an arranged marriages, not just in my family. But um uk its still scary cuz idk the guys personality.

nd there’s always mmm tw intima- not even gonna say it- 

@unassumingEyes

true… but your dad, mom and sister aren’t the greatest people in the world. :') idk. 

@LoveMyMoonflowers mom and sis yeah

(please dont say anything bout dad. I know he’s not a 100% great but he tries the most nd without him, well i was falling into a really bad mental place back when i was 12 nd he helped me ^-^ so i dont think i cn stand when ppl disagree with him => even tho he cn be wrong on things cuz i know he’s actually good. Idk if its cuz he loves mom so he listens to her or cuz culture pressure or what. But he does believe we shld do arranged marriages. But i also feel like he myt be oki if i say no to marrying at all. Disappointed but oki. I shld stoo ranting. Lol)

@unassumingEyes

oh i’m sorry friend me wasn’t thinking i’m vvv sorry 😞 

i’m glad your dad cares :') 💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers iss no worries. I was gonna leave it but i thought, if smone says anything against him by accident when im rlly upset, it cld make me feel worse so i shld clear it up u know? But its oki, i hvnt shared much of dad so it makes sense u wldnt know ❤️

Here’s a thingy i wrote bout 2 years ago

Start Over Again

I am in my room. The world is quiet and empty. I feel dull and sad and lonely, even when I’m not alone, even when there’s people who understand. An owl hoots. Traffic. It gets so loud this time of the morning. Sleep. With all this noise? 

I breath. The world is quiet and empty. I close my eyes, and when I open them I see something new. 

I see nothing.

Beautiful, loud and empty nothingness, like the world ran out of ideas and just drew a blank. 

I looked at it. And I looked at it again. And I looked at it again. Then I got bored, and longed for something. Something nice and pretty to just look at, like the flower on my desk. 

I blink, and the flower appears. 

Ok, I say. Let's start again.

The world is large and overwhelming. It has wonders in the sea and wonders in the land and wonders in the sky. It has adults and children and flowers and clouds and it has rain and sunshine, snow and storms. Its filled with smiles. With tears. And it can hold so much more. 

@unassumingEyes

im sorry eyes friend i think i might have upset you… ☹️ i hope you’ll forgive me friend… 

@LoveMyMoonflowers frnd :0 no issok :0 it wasnt ur fault ❤️❤️ and even if it was i wld hv forgiven u in seconds ❤️ cuz i know u dont mean any harm ❤️ issok frnd it happens <3