A Space For The Unsaid (Personal Diary)

@Optimisticempath I'm glad it's better than it was ❤️ One day at a time ok? 

@mytwistedsoul yes Soul 🥺 one day at a time ❤

@Optimisticempath

Hey you ❤️ How are you OptiBear? 

@mytwistedsoul it's so hard to say Soul 😔 idk how I am or how I've been tbh .. im really just existing ... every day just feels like a chore.. wake up.. stuff happens... night time... ive lost sense of time and anything at all happening around ... it's like most times im not present in the present .. idk if that makes any sense ..🥴 just idk lol ... been so weird.... ive been struggling with eh.. um.. not nice thoughts... Soul.....scary thought 😔 they keep coming and going ... im safe but idk where do they randomly pop from and why .. it doesn't feel nice 🥺 so me trying not to feel or think ... it gets easier that way I guess ... being detached from reality ..💀 for whatever little time it lasts tho.. its peaceful ...

lots of ramble from me  :/ but me missed talking to youu and hearing from you 🥺hows you and how do things look like in Soul's world lately? *bigg squeeziee hugss🤗🤗 ❤❤

@Optimisticempath It makes alot of sense. Time passes and we have no idea when it went. We're tired but don't feel like we've done anything to make us this tired. Just existing is exhausting. Survival is exhausting 

Couldn't find your chat:(

Hope you're doing okay! Wishing you a very happy new year. 💕✨

Hey, we survived another one! So, cheers to that. 🎊🎊🎊

Hugggss to youuuuuu💕💕🫶🏻🥰

@Yougotmyback oh i can see your texts Am just need to get back to them ... will do soon 😅 thank you for making me feel cared for always and for thinking of me 🥺 means the world to me 💕💕

yes we survived ... nobodys gonna ask "how??" tho.. right?🤐 .. xD

we did and im specially glad you did because you deserve all things amazing and you've gotta keep on being here to receive them  💕 me luvs you 🥰 *keeps hugging* happy new year 💕💕

Aww💕🥺 take your timeeee.

Hehe you're a beautiful human and you deserve all the love and care and hugs🥺🥺💕💕 me luvs you moreeeee.💕

Even if it was difficult, we are still hereeee. Strong hoomans hehe. Going to give you lots of advance hugs so that you never lack them when you need one this year! 🥹💕

*Offers a warm blanket* cozy cozy hehe

yeah right 🤡

Or that ... yeah... of course

tuff one 💀

always 😤

nope....seems unreal 

cannot sleep so im here to rant 💀

im so tired of feeling like such a hypocrite sometimes.... it is so wrong wanting to feel nice ... have someone who makes you feel special ... feel loved and cared for ?? and then to push literally everyone away who tries even a little ....wtf is so wrong smh ... 😔 in my very twisted sense i feel like im protecting them from me???? or protecting me from them???? Or both or idk but why the confusion....people like people, be together, be nice to each other...but i cannot do any of it... why am I so scared ... and they dont even understand .... sometimes justify why i should just keep distance and be guarded ...like always... no getting people close ... no getting hurt... does it work like that???... 😔 affection is what me sometimes craves so much...but also what me doesn't want to feel sometimes..... it feels so lonely but then i don't even try to not feel lonely......like i like being alone I think..... poeple are noisy... people are too much ... too much to deal with...yet it feels so lonely ...it hurts being so alone .. does it make sense??? ...no .. 

@Optimisticempath

Perhaps we do not want to show our vulnerability, because we do not know if we can trust people of holding our vulnerable heart 💕. Milky bear 🥛🧸, me hope you will try to be kind to yourself especially when struggling. 🥺💕 Me is here, though my response is slow because me often occupied with doing some stuffs *hugs milky bear 🥛🧸* if okie 🤗💕 

@VictoriaLove7 yes v true and relatable rainbow bear 🥺 thank you for being here and its ok to respond in your time 💕 just your presence and kindness means a lot too 🤗 hugs back 

how've you been?🌈🧸

@Optimisticempath

Milky 🥛🧸 🤗 💕 me okie in general, survive

How's you, Milky? 🥛🧸🤗
 

@Optimisticempath*offers safe hugs* hey you ❤️ You've been in my thoughts. I've missed seeing you around

I really hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable that I reply. I know sometimes we like to write for just ourselves. *I'm totally overthinking it idk* 😅

I think it's a combination of the two. We feel so flawed sometimes that we're positive we're just going to say or do something and someone is going to get hurt. Yet We want so much to be a part of some kind of friendship/ relationship but maybe the people who've been the closest to us have caused us a lot of hurts. Maybe you feel being alone equals safety. Being alone means there's less worry about having to watch everything you say and do. It's tiring feeling like you have to be on guard on the time

Anyway lol - 😅

*sending you good vibes and much love OptiBear* ❤️❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Soulllll I could never not-like your replies omg 🥺 you are always always welcome to reply.. say anything you want .. always 💕 and me appreciates it too...you have the most caring and comforting things to say...idk how you do it always tho being so selfless and sweet 🥺 

ahhh yes "Maybe you feel being alone equals safety." that's exactly how me feels 😅🥺 ...that's how me has felt always... or for as long as this stoopid memory serves lmao.... 

it's really tiring and exhausting but such a conundrum and idk what is it that i really want 😭... me no wanna hurt people too .... me knows this much.. no hurt people....😔

ive missed you too 🥺 your the most amazing friend anyone can ever have and i consider myself blessed to have you as a friend ❤ how's you doing Soul? *hugs tight and doesn't let go 🤗

lots of love and bestest vibes to you ❤❤❤

@Optimisticempath

The meme hehe 🐱 ^_^

@VictoriaLove7 kitty meme 😁

@Optimisticempath

yes yes, Milky 🥛🧸 it is kitty ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ memes 🤗💕

do you sometimes just randomly remember that you are alive????? idk how weird this is like sometimes i just want to hide and not be known to anyone ...  the urge to just disappear.. (no im not in crisis 😔... not one that id acknowledge anyway so..) but just to go away from everything and everyone... and mostly myself I think... I'm not very fond of me lmao ....veryyy trash likee  and very very very big of a waste space.....😔😔😔

i feel terrible for having these bad thoughts.... and then I feel terrible for "feElInGg" ... urghh  just 😭😭

@Optimisticempath

Is it because milky 🥛🧸 feels overwhelmed, maybe? 🥛🧸🥺 

Rainbow bear 🌈🧸 is fond of milky 🥛🧸💕🥺 *me sits with milky*

@VictoriaLove7 🥺 you don't wanna waste your time on me 🌈🧸 .....me ok ..

@Optimisticempath

It is not a waste of time, Milky 🥛🧸🥺💕 *huggss milky 🥛🧸🤗 if okie*🥺💕

can't even make.it to talk to people. About anything Smh .. been.forver and its the same. Stuff ....same...no change...no improvement...oh wait...yes change...got worse hahahhaahahahahaa😬 but also what to say ... im just not upto any good ...and this sucky sucky effed up reality is the inevitable truth ... who's to blame? me of course...I dont do a thing to change .... idk what self care even looks like...for me tho it's very close to not ...um being in a very active crisis situation i guess.. yeah... that's self care .... or just survival idkkk... pathetic either way and absolute no use .. just so tired... i don't wanna do anything 😭 or just lazy.... yeah lazy... very lazy and again a waste of space 🥴 ... so unbothered yet so disturbed at the same time?!?!? How is that even possible... *** brain 😭please 😭 just 😭 shut 😭 upppp😭

@Optimisticempath @Optimisticempath *sits with OptiBear* I wish there was something to say or do to help stop your brain from being so mean

@mytwistedsoul soul 🥺 .. me lack words .. sorry 😔 me feels smoller....👶 .. adult me brain can not be trusted rn with our safe .. we under blanky wrap .. hide and cry .. v late and dark night .... huggie tight 💕 

@Optimisticempath Aww that's ok and I understand ❤️ *offers a tissue and hugs smoll Opti tight* it always feels safe hiding under the blankets. So nothing can see or get to us ❤️ we keep the monsters away this way

@mytwistedsoul mhmmm meanie scary monsters keep away 🥺

under blankyy safe 💕 soul safe 💕 *hugggiee tightt ❤ 

@Optimisticempath yep very very safe and to help keep monsters and mean thoughts away and keep OptiBear safe we'll share our magic moo with you ❤️

@Optimisticempath

*hugs if okie 🥺 keeps hugging till you feel better*🥺

@Optimisticempath Just "swinging" by to say You've been in my thoughts ❤️

@mytwistedsoul lolsiees swinging by me see what you did there soul 😁 thankchu for swinging by 🥺 and for being here to take care of us the other day....im v sorry if me said something not should've said or made you worry 😔 magic moo is so lovely and beautiful and colorful and magical 🥰 *huggies magic moo* ..you are vv amazing Soul ❤ my bestest friend and someone who I so deeply and appreciate and am grateful for 😭 me luvs you lots ❤❤ *huggles you v tightt*

how've you been Soul? 🥺 *tight hugs ❤ be a little extra gentle with you too ok?

@Optimisticempath There's nothing for you to be sorry for. ❤️ You were sweet as always. I have to admit I did worry alittle but only because you're my friend and I care about you ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

im sorry for worrying you Soul 🥺 ngl tho it feels nice to be cared for sometimes .. even as reminders of what that means 😅 thankiees for caring for me and being such an amazing friend 💕 you mean vv lots to me too and me cares about chu too vv much also 🥺 caring for you comes so naturally...like idk if its ok to say this... but many many times me thinks how you are always there to comfort so many people here and Soul you come at right time always ... you are just there for literally everyone 🥺 it sometimes makes me think if we are able to even do 1% for you what you do for all of us.. your vv nurturing and caring and have such a beautiful heart ... if me could ever do anything to support you, be with you or remind you in some way of how awesome you are .. id always do my best for you... because you deserve it 💕💕 soo much 🥺

i feel the most ... idk what's the word but a word for feeling not as numb as always or more human like or can feel some emotion after feeling really emotionless .. that.. you make me feel more of this always and me cannot thank you enough for it ❤ *keeps hugging and doesn't let go❤❤

now this is a message for chu brain--- please please please be nice to my bestest Soul friend, they are really amazing and a really great human being who deserves lots of luv and kindness and peace of mind.. please be gentle with them and keep reminding them to be gentle with them also 🥺

@Optimisticempath Hey you ❤️ No thank you needed or necessary. Thank you too. 😊 For caring about me and for being my friend. I think I know what you mean with what it means to have someone care about you - it's harder to self destruct when there's people that care. I could be wrong though ❤️ 

@Optimisticempath

The sweet milky bear has been in my thoughts <3 mhm, that’s you friend. 🥺💜 Feels like we haven’t talked in a long while 💜 *big big comforting huggies for Opti friend if okie* 💜 how have you been? :') 💜 

sending more big hugs if ok and some warm milk with cookies and cake 🥛🍪🍰💕 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

flower buddy 🥺 omg this is too cute and gosh you so sweet 💕 this is the most ive smiled in eh umm idk id rather not count lmao but yeah been some time 😅

idk how i am....trying to ignore that 🥴 but alive so good ... or maybe not.. idk sorry 😶 im ok

yes flower buddy huggies vv okie 🥺 *hugs back tightly 🤗

how's you? ikr it been forever... ive missed you too 💕 always thinking good things for you and hope you  being gentle with you 💕 sends luvv 💕💕

*noms cookie and cake ... and shares milk and cookie wichu👀😄🤗💕🥰

@Optimisticempath

awwe 💕 i’m glad i could make you smile friend. 💜 and it’s okie :') i understand tbh, life is hard and it can be hard to find reasons to smile :') 💜 *huggies* 

oof felt :') mmm i get the ignoring it thing tbh :') aliveness is definitely good 💜 even though… it’s exhausting and messy. :') me glad your alive friend because honestly the world would be darker and lonelier without opti friend :') it’s brighter and lovelier with your sweet presence 💜 (and i get it if your rolling your eyes and saying nuuuu at that lol, oftentimes it’s vvv hard to see the good and the beautiful in ourselves, it can be easier to see it in others i think <3) 

opti friend doesn’t have to be sorry for anything at all :o nuuu buddy, your all good 💜 opti buddy doesn’t have to say they ok if they’re not either… 🥺 this is your safes diary space after all 💜 

eh i’m okay right now lol, idk about later tonight (it’s almost 1 am here lol) so… :') im getting through each day and trying to figure things out slowly 💜 but yeah life is being lifey too 😭 smh life 😭 lol.

awwe your so lovely opti 💜 thank you for thinking of me 🥺💜 you’ve been in my thoughts too friend. sending lots of love back 💜 ik it’s hard but i hope your trying to be gentle with you too ok? trying to be safe and be gentle with you 💜 the same way your so gentle with your buddies here 🥺💕 ik it’s hard friend bc oftentimes it’s easier to be kind to others but when it comes to ourselves eeeee :') it kinda eh lol it’s hard but we can try 💜 slowly, one step at a time 💜

*shares with you* thank you friend 💜

Hellloooooooo! I miss youuuuu🥹❤️

Hope you're doing okay💕🫂