Group Support Prompt #3: What are your 3 expectations from the Group Support Chats?
Hello everyone, I hope you are all being easy on yourself this week.
Last week we discussed: What steps can we take to ensure that everyone's voice is heard and valued in our group? Thank you to all who participated and shared their thoughts for discussion. I enjoyed them. I hope you all did too. If you didn't share yours, please share them here and I look forward to reading and discussing them with you.
This week's prompt: What are your 3 expectations from the Group Support Chats?
I wanted to start a discussion on our expectations with the group chats and which one you met and one that you are finding it missing. I look forward to hearing and discussing with you all!
@ASilentObserver
Expectation
Reality
@PatienceImpatiens nice pictures, Pat. A good way to visualize. If we can make the reality better, what would you suggest?
@ASilentObserver
Obs, I hope you weren't put off by humor.
In the expectation photo, you can see the cat, even the toe buds, so cute and transparent.
In the reality, cats like smooth, cool surfaces, so it's very likely this Beauty of a Calico Cat just likes the sensation of being in the toilet bowl. But we, looking through societal expectations, see that it's a toilet bowl! And, so we may inwardly "want" the cat to be out of the toilet bowl. But, for the cat, it might just be the comfortable place for right now. I was trying to capture that.
I love the Sharing Circle and the Group chats so I hope you know I do think they can go in the right direction many of the times, I would say when there is a composition of people who: 1. stay, 2. attend 3. support and also share when it's their turn and 4. a facilitator really helps.
@PatienceImpatiens oh no! Poor kitty😮😮😂😂😂😂😂
@PatienceImpatiens
You are so amazing! 😊 ❤️ Spot on my sweet friend!
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️ (still laughing by the way! 😊)
@ASilentObserver
Expectation
Reality
@VioletVeritas very cool image Violet. Loved the first one! I hope we able to get group chats closer to that image. It is a long road though but our every step would count. What would you suggest to start with?
@ASilentObserver
Dear Obs,
I wish I had explained the images better because then you might like the second image as well.
The first is kind of self-explanatory I guess.
In the second image, taken from a series which is about how young children can use dried flowers to make magnificent works of art, shows a young child carefully touching and looking over a dead flower. I think in fact that at times our Sharing Circles do work in this way, that someone Shares, and we are able to "look over" and support that person at the moment in time they are, and that the context of the child turning the dead flower into something, transforming it into something new, is the part this photo doesn't capture completely. However, I have felt it, when the Sharing Circle works its magic!
Love and Courage, Tas
@VioletVeritas thank you for sharing more, Tas. Always good to hear your thoughts and discuss them. The child examining the dried flower with care and focus captures a moment of transformation. Sharing circles can have a similar effect, where someone shares part of their experience and finds understanding and support.
@ASilentObserver
Yes, Obs! The transformative effect! Those are beautiful words!
You asked what my 3 expectations are.
1: Everyone gets an equal chance to be heard.
2: People focus on the person who is sharing.
3: We are all changed through the experience of spending the time together, hopefully changed for the better, "transformed."
@ASilentObserver three things I do when in chat rooms 1) try to say hello to everyone who enters. And extra welcome to newbies 2)avoid conflicts, and call a mod 3)try to lighten the mood, but also be supportive
I think I expect the same things. I really enjoy the group chats😁❤
@Tinywhisper11
Tiny, I enjoy the Group Chats with Tiny in them!
Love,
Patience
@PatienceImpatiens awww I love you too ❤and I agree tiny is always so nice to talk to😁
@Tinywhisper11 It sounds like you find joy in connecting with others and helping to foster a supportive community. You mentioned being welcoming- how we can be extra welcoming to the newbies? any ideas, suggestions
@ASilentObserver like this, this is what I generally say. Hi ....... I'm lola ❤ welcome to cups ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤
then I ask how they are today. And ask questions or make comments to help them open up and feel more comfortable.
it's always hard to find your voice in group settings sometimes so just try to include them, keep a little check on them if their being to quiet. Just gotta show a bit of kindness and effort
Respectful environment, no claiming or rumours spread that someone may have a condition esp if they haven’t told the room and exp shame , this one is tricky but having a growth mindset not a fixed one (so acknowledge there are different ways to do things , different experiences although you may not agree but they can be valid still), I think people should be allowed to say what religious background they are from and even if they do want to add something from their holy book people can be allowed to say “hey I agree”, “hey I don’t agree respectfully” without offence just like someone with atheism tells people what they believe . Sorry for all the detail
@GoldenRuleJG Hii Golden, good to see you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on creating a respectful environment. Having open and caring discussions while avoiding assumptions or rumors is important. You clearly value respect between all people. How does focusing on understanding different perspectives make you feel?
As always your discussions offer so much for reflection and that’s great. Thank you so the engaging posts, Obs ❤️
For me it’s all about intent - really exploring do you have the right attitude towards others , your work
Are you doing what your preaching? That’s the question
@GoldenRuleJG
Golden Rule, I always enjoy when I see you in the rooms and I so appreciated your reply here. I have listed my religion on my profile and have found that when having chats 1:1 some people really enjoy when an insight can be brought from a particular verse or whatnot. I have not tried in the groups at all, but recently with people I have established a bond with, I will sometimes draw out a quote to comfort them, or that seems pertinent to the situation, or that might lend some clarity to the situation. I appreciated your comment on this matter, especially as it pertains to respect, since I know there are people who have been traumatized in the name of religion and it's something that may hurt some people very badly. Thank you for this observation.
Love and Courage, Tas
@VioletVeritas yeah violet - I’ve seen you in the rooms and you speak in a loving way of your faith . The scripture that you share with us is amazing to hear for me personally - I appreciate it ❤️
I expect everyone will participate in a topic discussion and stay on topic.
Some days things don't quite turn out that way if someone is having a bad day like this
I like your sense of humour, Soul!
Lol♥️😂
@soulsings Very nice picture! soul <3 Can relate to this feeling. It is understandable to expect discussions to stay on track, yet people have good and difficult days that can impact things. You must care deeply about making sure everyone has a chance to share.
@ASilentObserverI agree we want to support everyone but there are times where a person needs a listener or the sharing circle so they can fully be heard. If we allow people to become the focal point of the topic (not open chat,) then people who wanted and needed to talk about the topic and their situation may be deprived of support.
It is not black and white when this is happening so it is one of the more difficult aspects for me to define when someone needs support that the topic chat can give them and when their need is greater than the topic chat can give without depriving others of their opportunity. To me hosting is an art form not a cut and dry science.
Well said!
@ASilentObserver
Obs! 😊 ❤️ I really gotta' hand it to you! The gif that you chose is a perfect summation! *giggles* 🤭 One never knows how the group dynamics can change. These are rooms that everyone (oops...many have) has access to and so we have no idea who will enter, what they will say and how the "tone" of the room could shift.
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️
@SparkyGizmo Thank you for sharing your experience of the group dynamics changing. I agree it is important to feel understood in conversations. What kinds of feelings come up for you in situations where the tone may shift?
@ASilentObserver
Thank you for asking! 😊 ❤️ I enjoy noticing the group dynamics and how it is that one or two or more can effect the tone of the room. It's fascinating to see the "shift" if there is one.
The feelings I may have for wanting to be a part of any room can shift dependent upon the behavior of others and to what degree (how extreme) that behavior is. Many can bring with them a very positive influence and attitude. Many can bring a sense of teamwork, relationship building, community building and a communal effort. Some bring with them a sense of calm that washes over the room.
It's nice to see these teammates enter the rooms. These are typically highly consistent people that one can look forward to seeing. Lovely moments filled with gratitude for their special talents and gifts.
One can always have an "off" day or many off days. If you have worked with someone for quite a while, know that their heart is in the right place ❤️ you can offer them help and support and know that they are simply human as we all are and that everyone deserves their space and time.
It's nice to be helpful and kind to others in all of the rooms. Some days one can feel quite neutral in being a part of a room. There may be no highs, no lows and in those times, the experience is also enjoyable. Still happy that one helped and contributed and got the opportunity to spend time with their teammates. ❤️
Unfortunately, one can find others in the rooms that are highly negative towards others, habitual offenders for breaking room rules, may enter the rooms consistently with a very clear agenda to be disruptive and in a variety of different ways.
Some may be the eternal "debaters" for discussing topics that aren't allowed. Some may enjoy bringing up polarizing topics consistently, in an effort to see, how in fact they may have the power to change the dynamics of the room and in a negative way.
For some of these types, I can only imagine that it's fun for them to see the divide once they "plant the seed" for divisiveness, to see a previously happy situation/well working room into an unhappy one as that brings them joy as they had influence and control over others. They get to instigate the conflict, then back away as they slowly see the room crash and burn and be like "who me"? For these types, I still greet them, hope for the best that it won't happen that day, but yet be highly aware of not contributing to their diatribe.
"Selective hearing" can be quite beneficial, lol 😊 It's good to not take the "bait". I can still remain hopeful that things will work out for the best, keep engaging with others or leave the room as this is a very big place and plenty to keep us busy around here.
Yup, again, group dynamics can be pretty fascinating. I heard it said once that "Everyone is a joy to see. Some when they are coming towards you and some when you see them walking away". Good to reach for the positivity as well as to try and see the humor as best one can in certain situations.
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️
- Apologies where needed
- The person who said something trigger should get an opportunity to express where they were coming from and what they meant
- I’ve noticed work can be a sensitive topic as well as DID, BDSM, work/education, inappropriate behaviour shaming so I think avoid asking the individual to go into detail, using suggestive emojis of fruits and not asking about how much people earn , if they want to go to college/uni (this isn’t for all and doesn’t make someone less than if they don’t choose this), telling someone they need to assert themselves so that people know not to flirt with them and assuming it’s easy for someone to just accept your disgust.
@GoldenRuleJG Those are thoughtful expectations. It can be challenging to discuss sensitive topics while making everyone feel heard and respected. What matters most is creating a caring space where people feel safe opening up without fear of judgment. An open dialogue where all perspectives are welcomed can help achieve that. Thank you for sharing with us, Golden. very helpful
All your discussions are GOLD observer ð¤©ð¤©ð¤©ð¤©ð¤© They are so well-thought out!!
@ASilentObserver
You know? I visited Listeners support chatrooms a few times and it was..... dead. No banter, very quiet, just nice welcomes and dainty chats. It almost sounded improper to talk about the weather in case someone was triggered.
@Fradiga Thank you for sharing your experience of the Group Support Chats. It sounds challenging to find the right balance between openness and care. What was it like for you to feel that sense of being "improper" or that discussions could be "triggering"?
@ASilentObserver
What was it like for you to feel that sense of being "improper" or that discussions could be "triggering"?
Well, it made me feel like I was wasting my time. No particular subjects were broached, as if people had either nothing to say, or were afraid to talk about anything. A chat room is not a party, I get that, but you do not actually meet people and learn about them.
@ASilentObserver
Well, I forgot the particulars but someone tried a joke that was - in my view - rather innocuous and I was surprised to read the mod's admonition. I too had once made a funny comment about Covid - if I remember that right - and was told off. Yes, the wording from the mod was kind and everything, but I felt as if this was a kindergarten class and no matter how you wrap it, a admonition is what it is. I thought to myself that the chatroom rules seem to be made for the potential snowflakes, hence no real conversation possible. This is probably because the internet is now full of people spitting venom at each other and 7cups tries hard to prevent this on their website.
@Fradiga It seems this experience left you feeling frustrated. I can understand why receiving an admonition, even if well-intentioned, might be felt as restricting. Our differences in perspectives are natural. Perhaps there are lessons here about community and care that are worth reflecting on further. You remain thoughtful in your way.
Hello Silent,
I must admit I do enjoy the support chats and my expectation is zero (except maybe listener support room). But it is always enriching to get different points of view from all over the world. Sometimes it's boring or stuck - but this is up to everybody's initiative themselves to change that.
Some rules I find helpful for myself
1. Always say hello and goodbye
2. When nothing is happening I can try to change that (or leave, when nothing changes, nothing lost)
3. Try to affirm people in need of it
4. Ignore trolls, once I identified them
5. Try to seed some good spirit
6. Try to solve misunderstandings (for example I often use ;-) emoticon, because I am often kind of try to be not too serious and too grave. But I had to learn this can be understood quite wrongly. But not everybody grew up with ironic families like me.)
7. Have fun end enjoy the magic when it happens
@BeCreative1967 you find value in connecting with others through these support chats. Meeting people from around the world and seeing different perspectives can be enriching. I am glad you've found rules that work well for you to feel supported while being a support for others. Focusing on affirmation, understanding, and positivity seems like a compassionate approach.
@ASilentObserver I would say people need to learn that if they don't have the patience for someone else's problem or can't find a way of telling someone politely and respectfully when they disagree/the person messed up big time and using this disagreement or fact that what the person did wasn't ok as a starting point for a gentle exploration and discussion of what happened, why and how to proceed now that will increase the chance of positive impact and outcome, then take a short self-care break and let someone else handle it who is able to do it without getting agressive, accusatory and argumentative while still maintaining compassion and assertivity where needed or is able to redirect the conversation elsewhere when they conclude this conversation needs to happen elsewhere for one reason or another and redirect the person accordingly. Based on a mess of a room with member powered sharing circle yesterday.
@sadcat13 It sounds like that meeting brought up difficult emotions. Reflecting on how to have challenging conversations respectfully is so important. What was most meaningful for you about seeking more positive ways to address disagreements?
That is a very important point to raise. I apologise to anyone for the times my communication hasn’t been the best - always trying to work on it . I wonder what word choice is upsetting , could it be when messages curt/brief or stuff like “why did you do… ?” I wholeheartedly do believe each listener should 100% communicate with a listener as they would with compassion to a member . You are welcome to discuss any triggering points with your mentor or chatroom supporter if it’s that too. Your experience is valid :) We are all learning 💛💛 Much piece to you sadcat13
@GoldenRuleJG thank you. It was a member powered sharing circle, we didn't have a host and the members were attacking someone for a screw up they made and wanted support for. They acknowledged what they did was wrong and we're hurting, and needed support and instead got attacked for it and accused of the story not even being real. It took me, a mod and a host who entered the room to host the next hour to pick the fight apart
@sadcat13 Im glad you were supportive and forgiving of the mishap cat <3 im sure that was appreciated - big thank you :)
@GoldenRuleJG I just hope no argument like that happens again 🌻
@GoldenRuleJG Thank you for sharing your experience and reflection. It sounds like communication and ensuring all feel heard with compassion is important to you. You are dedicated to learning and growth, which is admirable. Please know that you are not alone in seeking to understand different perspectives.