Weekly Prompt #38: What's one negative thought pattern you'd like to challenge or reframe?

@ASilentObserver the negative thought pattern I'd like to change is worrying about fitting in, I often question what did I do wrong? Can I be myself? Do people like me? 

@Tinywhisper11 I can understand and relate that you are experiencing some difficult feelings related to self-doubt and wanting to fit in. It can be tough when we worry about whether others accept us for who we are. What thoughts tend to go through your mind when you have these worries?

@ASilentObserver biggest thought I'd I know I'm a freak. You have trouble with feeling accepted too? I think your sweet and kind, always ready to help others, your amazing ❤

@ASilentObserver I definitely want to work on my negative thoughs over my body, I feel guilty when eating something unhealthy and feel bad about myself (I don't even look at my belly in the mirror despite being a healthy weight). And I compensate by exercising so I also generate the need and craving for food because of that, a cycle in that sense. So often, I am in a black and white mindset, as long as things are going "healthy", it is a good day, when I give in to a craving or have an opportunity to eat something unhealthy and do it, I feel like I failed and it doesn't matter anymore, like if I just keep eating, it is an unhealthy day anyway so it doesn't matter. Emotion plays a big part in this.

@Michelh1996 It feels like you struggle with self-criticism after indulging in unhealthy foods, which can lead to a cycle of guilt and compensation. I believe reframing these thoughts could potentially bring you some comfort. How would reframing these thoughts change how you view yourself or behave?

@ASilentObserver I am currently in the proces of trying to reframe these thoughts while also trying to eat normal amounts in one sitting, but this comes with a conflict: if I make steps towards feeling better about myself, happier with my body and less guilty and obsessed about consuming food I will definitely be happier. But this also raises an argument to justify giving in to cravings more and consuming huge amounts of stuff in one sitting: as the argument then can become: accepting that you don't have to be perfect gives more room to endulge and give in to overeating. Like, "it doesn't matter anymore" or "who cares, it is okay if you want it".

This conflict between trying to balance my eating amount and improve my self-thoughts about restriction/compensation/permission really clash with each other and this is currently really messing up my progres.

@ASilentObserver

Hi, ASO,

I'd like to change how I feel about food.  I wish I didn't binge sometimes, and I wish I didn't eat junk sometimes.  I'd like to look at food as healthy fuel.

@purpleTree4652 I am glad you are trying to find balance with eating habits. What would it mean to you if you did not binge or eat junk food?

@ASilentObserver

It would mean that I eat healthfully.  It would mean that I am far more healthy than I am now.

What I’d like to change is when someone upsets me, and instead of getting upset with them I get down on myself instead.

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas It seems like you like to work on practicing self-compassion when things do not go as planned. Would you share more about what happens when you get upset with yourself after someone upsets you.

@ASilentObserver Thank you! I think this is what happens when someone oversteps with me, where they’re aware of it and did it intentionally. I think I should be allowed to feel a little angry about it. I think I should be allowed to tell them what works for me and what things I don’t like. But I’m afraid of their reaction, their anger. Then I feel stuck, and I end up getting mad at myself instead. I get mad at myself for not speaking up for myself, not seeing it coming and protecting myself better from the beginning. Sometimes I get mad at myself for not staying away from people, or following my instincts about them.

I've got two big ones at the moment.

1:That no matter what I do, I'm a terrible person. When I do something good, it wasn't enough, or it does make up for my daily existence. When I do something wrong, or something doesn't go perfectly, it's proof that I always ruin everything.

2:That even though I always want to be there for others, my problems are only my own, and I shouldn't put anyone else in a situation where they would have to to worry about/be there for me.

I'm getting better with both of these, but there's still a long way to go.

@speakerdoll It seems like you are experiencing difficult thoughts about yourself. Feeling like no matter what you do, it feels not good enough and that you should only focus on yourself is difficult. What makes you think these thoughts?

The thinking that if I care about myself and show kindness and compassion to myself, I will become a narcissistic abuser and hurt others without thought or care.

That the future is set in stone, and that I and everyone I love will be deleted from existence due to powerful hateful people and their supporters.

@Zeraphim Thank you Zera. It looks like you have some deep-seated beliefs regarding how taking care of yourself and showing compassion might impact your behavior towards others and also worries around the world's trajectory. Those thoughts are much needed to address but also complex so maybe we can take it one step at a time. The first step could be to identify evidence supporting these thoughts. If I can ask, has anything happened in the past where self-care led to abusive behaviors? And what makes you think that the future is set in stone?

@ASilentObserver "Someone cannot be abusive to me if they do not yell at or overtly insult me, or if they spend very much time doing me favors or being kind". And, "I cannot be a victim if I ever yelled or lashed out myself."  

I have a hard time accepting that I have been, or could be, victimized by anyone who does not fit a very stereotypical abuser profile, and it leads to a lot of shame and self-blame, which makes it very hard to heal and move on. I'd like to have less black-and-white views of how abuse operates, and what it can look life.

@blanketstate I understand you are grappling with some complex beliefs about abuse and its forms. Shame can often hold us back from healing when we view things in black and white terms. What thoughts come up for you when you think about these beliefs?

@ASilentObserver mostly that I do not trust my own perceptions much and have internalized a lot of double standards and negative generalizations about men/masculinity.

@ASilentObserver

What's one negative thought pattern you'd like to challenge or reframe?

That I am a horrible/worthless person if I can't reach others expectations of me or I put myself first. I can admit I did some bad things to people and I am truly sorry and did my best to make it up to them. But there's this voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm this heartless monster that's going to ruin everyone's lives and that I am going to end up alone and that I deserve it. That I can't truly be loved by others and have to keep putting up this facade and go along with what whatever they want so they like me. 

It runs pretty deep and I'm really trying to give myself the benefit of the doubt to push forward.  

@JollyRacher I hear you how you struggle with negative self-talk about yourself, feeling like you are a horrible person when you can't meet others' expectations. it is challenging to have such harsh thoughts after making amends and trying to do better. How does believing you will ruin others' lives and being unlovable affect you?

@ASilentObserver

How does believing you will ruin others' lives and being unlovable affect you?

At this stage, it just hurts. Before it was pretty mind numbing and debilitating, I always felt so alone and alienated and that I deserved it. Now, I can fathom I'm not the worst person in the world but comprehending that true honest love is a possibility still is very hard. On one hand I can believe I can be loved but on the other hand I feel like even if somehow that was the case I'd screw it up somehow. I'd do something wrong and all their love will just vanish away.  

@ASilentObserver 

A thought pattern I would like to change is that I am a worthless failure. I have caused others to be (unintentionally) hurt by the choices that I though would be the best at the time. I am useless. I never complete anything I start. I am not good enough. I am not pretty. I am selfish. I don't take care of my responsibilities. I am a bad mother and wife. I have nothing to show for my life. If I died suddenly, no one will remember or miss me. 

It doesn't help that someone close to me tells me these things on a regular basis. 

@NotAllHere713 I hear you how those thoughts hurt. It feels you are experiencing difficult thoughts about yourself, which can feel heavy and overwhelming. When someone close to us speaks negatively to us, it can be especially challenging to ignore those words. Which specific things do they say that hurts you the most?

@ASilentObserver 

I am a B****. I am a failure as a parent. I didn't train my kids properly. I never finish anything. I'm useless. My mother is bad because she didn't train me right. I don't care about him. I don't treat him fairly. I don't feed him. Variations on the theme. (BTW- he is an alcoholic and his belief is that I and the kids are here to serve him). 

@NotAllHere713 I am sorry, notall. Those are some really hurtful words which can bring up difficult emotions. I get it how it can make one feel low about yourself when someone close to us speaks so negatively about us. 

@ASilentObserver My immediate reaction of "anger" to anything which annoys me/ goes against my set practice

@hopefuloutlook you noticed a pattern of feeling angry when things don't go as planned. Would you share more about what happens when you feel annoyed. How do you react?