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JollyRacher
1 3,657 M Seeking Light 2
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts973 Forum posts606 Forum upvotes930 Current upvotes930 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceNovember 11, 2023
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Confusion
Anxiety Support / by JollyRacher
Last post
 August 31st
...See more I'm confused. My brother recently has gone off to college and things are changing around the house. My parents are acting all happy and excited. Listening to my complaints and making changes. Which is great but also very scary. There's a pattern to things in the house. Amidst the usual chaos that brings nearly everyone in the house to their breaking point comes a euphoria period. A time where we all forget the bad stuff and everything seems happy. Then it all comes crashing down until it all blows up again. When my sister left for college a low point was reached. This was probably the worst chaotic since I was a kid. My parents like pushing my limits and putting a lot on me and for the most part I just did as I was told.  Even if it felt like it was killing me I would always bounce back and finish the task at hand. During this time however, I didn't bounce back. I broke. My body physically couldn't handle it anymore and it was terrifying for me. I was used to not being able to mentally handle things, but physically made it so surreal for me. Right now, my parents are insanely proud of my brother for getting into a new school. Helping him get ready to move and their being all happy. Which I want to be able to enjoy but this is a really big high. Promises are being made and their keeping their word. Which has rarely every happened before in the past. My mind is horrified of the low that may come after all this. The pain and agony will be otherworldly if that's the case. I really want to enjoy this and have hope that this is the beginning of a possible healthy environment but I'm scared. I'm scared and confused and I really pray for everyone's sake this isn't just another cycle.   
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One thing???
Positivity & Gratitude / by JollyRacher
Last post
 July 30th
...See more This past week has honestly been pretty great. Ups and downs like life has but this week was different than all the other weeks before. This week I decided to commit to doing one thing a day that I enjoyed doing. Baking, walking, writing, I kept it flexible but I did something every day. Normally when I'd get into a slump or an argument that made me feel bad I'd doom scroll for hours on end and not going to lie sometimes I still do.  However, taking the time to do something that genuinely made me happy made my day better. Going on that morning walk, breathing in that fresh air made me smile. Tinkering with my business and making progress. Writing, even if it's a couple words made my day a little brighter. And sometimes that's all you need. A little light in the void to show that the world isn't as dark as you think. There's light, you just need to know where to look. So, don't stop searching for it. Took me a long time to find mine, but I never gave up and here I am. Seriously though, I'm grateful for this new perspective it's almost unreal.  What's one thing you can do for yourself to make you happy this week? It doesn't have to be the same thing every day, you can mix it up of you like. 
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Finding The Light In The Dark
Depression Support / by JollyRacher
Last post
 July 5th
...See more This month has been a wild rollercoaster for me. From a really low point to almost an incredible high. It's been tricky for sure. Sometimes you got to allow yourself to take a breath and enjoy. Even if you don't feel like you deserve it or you're scared to. I made a post here this week expressing my deep pain but now I want to express gratitude. Today has been a really nice day, it was overwhelming but in a positive way. At first, I didn't want to see the good and focused on the bad. It was hard but I forced myself to see the good and it was like the world was colorful again. So, while I am in what I would call a bad situation I found the good. And I want to thank the people who responded to my last post for their advice and insight. It truly helped and I am grateful. I'm going to keep my head high and do my best to make the best of my situation. Stay strong. 💪  
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Happy?
Depression Support / by JollyRacher
Last post
 June 30th
...See more TW - self-harm tool, crisis I had a pretty bad breakdown a couple days ago, one of the worst I've had in a while. It was like my brain shut down all of my thoughts and all I could do was feel things. Intense anger, sadness, pain, it was so overwhelming. I couldn't even stand up, I had to just lay on the floor. I was crying and I couldn't stop. Like my body was out of my control. I couldn't bear it. Before, I used to keep a knife in my room because it made me feel like I had a way out when things got too bad in my house. However, I decided it wasn't my best idea and took it out. When I had this breakdown, I desperately reached for where my knife would've been and with no thoughts in my mind who knows if I would've actually used it. In that moment, I feel like I would have genuinely done something to stop the pain I was feeling. Which is scary to think about now that my head's in a better place.  So, I'm happy I didn't use it but as the days go on and my environment seemingly getting worse I don't know. On one hand, I don't really want to do it but I just don't feel like there's anything else I can do. The pain grows more and more each day and I keep questioning which pain is worse?   
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Absolutely Nothing
Depression Support / by JollyRacher
Last post
 June 30th
...See more Yesterday marked the day something died inside of me. My sister recently had a pretty big surgery and the doctor told her not to move around a lot and relax. Apparently my family got invited over for lunch and my father said all of us would come. My sister who was withering away in pain and agony called herself trying to get ready for said lunch. I told her obviously she was exempt but she insisted she was fine. (She was not) I was so sure that if my father saw the pain she was in he would call it off or at least let her stay home. Nope, he also insisted she was fine enough to go to this lunch. I argued of course but his word was final.  She was in pain the way there, during the lunch which lasted a couple hours and all the way back. Every time she complained about the pain he consoled her and would shower her with kind words. To me, all of it seemed so shallow and empty. She wouldn't be in pain like this if you didn't make her go. Throughout the years, I've never had a good relationship with either of my parents. When I was younger they never really bothered with me and I never really bothered with them. Then, they started wanting me to do things and I wanted their love, so I complied. Even if it hurt me, which it did.  I never understood their love and affection. My sister tells me that they love me in their own twisted way, but I'd rather they just not love me at this point. My mom just keeps using me like a tool to make her life easier. It's upsetting how I have to deal with the consequences of her actions. But my dad, he's different. He's a lot more chill unless he has a plan for you. If he has a plan for you, you're following through, no matter what. Dead or alive, you're going to do it. I always thought if it came down to it, he would understand and not push his plans on us all the time. However, yesterday taught me otherwise.  One thing I do love are my siblings. Use me, okay whatever. Making my sister who had surgery that week go out for an unnecessary dinner, in pain and crying her eyes out, that's not something I can accept. My other sister, who's special needs not having food or water until I wake up is not okay. If she's up and no one else is awake you can't just leave the house for hours on end. I am tired of them making all these messes and I have to be the one to clean them up.  So, here I am. It pains me to say it, but when I look at them now I feel nothing. I want nothing to do with them. It's reached a point that if I ever leave this house, I am near certain I will not come back. I've lost all respect for them. You cannot treat me and my siblings like this and expect me to care about your well-being. I'm done.  
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Boundaries
Motivation & Accountability / by JollyRacher
Last post
 May 27th
...See more I did it, I actually did it. A couple days ago my sister gave me this book to read called The Mountain Is You. A book about self-sabotage and I didn't want to read it at first but she insisted so I did. And it was a good book, quite insightful. Made me realize I wasn't really being honest with myself or with those around me. So, before I lost my nerve I sat down and had an honest discussion with my parents about responsibility, boundaries and the overall dynamic of the household. Which was very scary for me to be honest, because their reactions to honesty in the past were not very positive, but I stuck to my guns. Was shaking the whole time but I powered through and did my best to get my points across. That I was overwhelmed by the workload they always tend to throw on me. The stress of basically parenting everyone and the toll of being emotionally responsible for everyone but myself. Both responded quite positively and said they'd make changes. While I don't know if that's true just yet I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt this time.  The most important part here is that I declared my boundaries, and am going to in the best of my ability keep it up. Just last week I was breaking down because of the work I had to do. Falling behind in my classes, trying to juggle all these extra programs I got signed up for and making sure my siblings had food on the table. I was nearing my limit and ready for a complete shut-down. Which is why my sister suggested the book in the first place. I always refused to ask for help or even complain because it was always met with this is life. Life isn't easy, so just keep quiet and keep pushing. Until you can't and at the time I couldn't. Saying no has always been hard for me, and it always seemed easier to roll over and say yes to avoid conflict but it would always leave me half-dead and emotionally drained in the end.  Today marks the day I put myself first. That I take care of my mental health and prioritize my sanity. I am terrified of what's coming next but also equally excited for this new chapter.   
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Empty
Depression Support / by JollyRacher
Last post
 April 1st
...See more Rant incoming!  I feel like a puppet. Strange way to start, but bear with me. At a young age I learned through my parents, teachers, and other adults that the way I behaved wasn't right. I talked too much, was too loud, didn't sit quietly, ask too many questions and the list goes on. Whenever I expressed myself I was told I was an attention seeker or just being difficult. I tried to just "be myself" but as time went on and I saw other people have friends and having fun I wanted that. I didn't have friends, and people didn't seem to like me at all. I got bullied a lot, and accepted that no one would like me. However, I didn't want to be alone anymore. Before I endured it, stayed true to myself until the loneliness got the better of me and I started wearing masks.  If people wouldn't like me, then they would have to like the person they wanted me to be, right? So, I put on an act and indulged in things I didn't have the slightest interest in hoping I'd make friends. Even when I wore the mask, agreed with everything they said, they still laughed at me. I stopped trying to make friends after that. Later down the line, when I actually got into a good school and was getting straight A's that's when my parents started closing in on me. My oldest sister is an overachiever to the highest degree. 4.0 GPA, going into business and finance, trying to start her own company and everything. No doubt she is who my parents are most proud of out of all of us. Then, there's my brother who is more laid back. Also has a 4.0 GPA and is trilingual. He's trying to get into the medical field, and then there was me. The youngest who was failing all of her classes at every other school I entered, showing little to no promise in pretty much anything. All of a sudden I was a straight A student and bam they pounced on me.  I crafted specific masks for almost all of the people around me, my parents were no different. Why can't I just tell the truth you ask, my parents couldn't handle the truth. It'd turn into a big fight, my dad would talk to us and then forget the conversation even happened. While my mom would see it as an attack at her, making her defensive and gaslight us into thinking we're the problem. So, eventually I just rolled over and let them win. Now, after all lot of reflecting, seeking help, therapy, and awareness I realized I was in fact being manipulated. If this manipulation was intentional or not I'm not sure but at this point it's irrelevant.  When I look in the mirror I don't want to say hate, but I strongly dislike what I see. I gave everything away that made me me, so that everyone around me would be happy. I've worn so many masks that I don't remember what I actually look like. And that hurts me now, because I used to be someone. I used to have dreams and hopes as a child and now I don't even really know who I am anymore. Like a puppet you just take a string and make them do whatever you want them to do and then just toss them aside until you want to play with them again. When I look at myself it hurts because I know what I could be. I know what I want, and I know I can be who I want to be. At the same time, I'm stuck in this place where I can't do that. So, I'm left sitting and knowing what I can be but chained down to the reality that I'm not going to be able to achieve it.  One day, I'll find a lock to the chain and wiggle my way out but one thing's for sure. Today's not that day.
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Progress?
Family & Caregivers / by JollyRacher
Last post
 March 21st
...See more Warning: More ranting I've been stressed out for while about school, fancy programs my parents insisted I take on, and being responsible for almost everyone's well-being in the house. Amidst that my parents saw this as a great time to sign me up for yet another program. It was only for three weeks and two days a week. I said no. They kept pushing saying it wasn't a long program. I said no again, explaining how I didn't need the stress. They kept insisting saying it would be good for me and if they really thought I couldn't handle it they wouldn't keep pushing it for me.  Again I said no that I didn't have time, but they were like you have time for games and sitting around surely you have time for this. Said I was being disrespectful and ungrateful and I snapped. There are only 2 things my brain refuses to accept and that's false hope and hypocrisy. People having the audacity to lecture people when they themselves do the exact same thing boils my blood. So, when they lecture me about respect when they treat me with none angers me. If I said half of the things they've said to me I would've been kicked out the house or severely punished.  Long story short there was a huge fight, lots of yelling, and it was messy. After a couple of hours I apologized for the way I communicated my problems, because honestly I could've conveyed it in a better manner. My mother also apologized and promised to make more of an effort. Now, one of issues I have and that I expressed was that I was acting like a parent when I shouldn't be. Specifically towards one of my older sisters who is special needs. Do not get me wrong I love my sister, I would both attack someone and take a bullet for her, but at the same time I'm also a child. Majority of my childhood is mothering and raising her. So, as to help me out with that stress my parents found this school nearby our house for people with special needs that she's supposed to go to starting next week.  Which I am very grateful for, mainly because my sister gets to go to school. She loves school, she really does. She loves going outside and learning new things. It's truly adorable, unfortunately she's usually cooped up inside the house so I'd be thrilled if she got to go to school again. Now, the reason there is a question mark after the progress in the title is because I feel like this is a ploy. I've mentioned in this post that there are 2 things I can't handle, The first one was false hope. Year after year there comes a point in the stress that I cannot physically handle it anymore and that's usually when my parents take it seriously. However, I've realized that they only do this "transformation" thing when they want me to do something that I said no to. I rarely say no because I avoid conflict with them as much as possible. So, if I say no and hold my ground it's a big deal.  The last breakdown of this sorts I had was when they wanted me to join the first fancy program and I said no. I put my foot down and explained clearly it would be too much for my little mind to handle. My dad then took me out to dinner, sweet talked me saying this chance may never come again. How he's going to help more and things are going to change. I fell for it and signed up and for the first week things were different but as soon as I showed that I actually enjoyed it everything went back to normal and the stress caught up to me until I nearly passed out at program and got pulled out for health reasons.  Or when I was having not so great thoughts and contacted a hotline. When my parents found out they not only read all of the messages, but printed them out without telling me. Got made because I was talking to a stranger and told me I didn't need to talk to them anymore because things were going to change. And again for a short time they did so I stopped contacting the people and as soon as I did things went back to normal. So, now I just had a fight with them over not doing this new program and they're promising me that things will be different and so far it looks like it will. Now, they're asking since things are better if I will join the new program, making it feel like all the other times all over again.  I want to believe them but it's getting harder and harder to. If I say no now I know it's going to turn into another fight which I don't have the mental compacity for. But if I say yes I have to join this program which I also don't have the compacity for. Otherwise known as a lose lose situation. 
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