Weekly Prompt #32: Is there someone who has bullied you that you may consider forgiving?

No.

@slowdecline48 Can relate to that. If those people had the energy to bully others, they can have the energy to go away and leave us alone forever. I won't forgive after everything that's happened and the long-lasting effects it's caused in my life.

@ImpudentIncognito  🥚🥚🥚 Ackley.

Sadly, I'm being bullied by someone I live with who I cannot escape from, for I lack the ability to upheave my life and relocate - even if given the opportunity - due to disability. It's as if I'm too terrified to leave and feel as if I cannot control my life circumstances consistently enough to have the power to leave. It's terrifying and reminds me of the traumatic leavings of abusive living situations of the past.

I'm not sure how to forgive myself. I suppose I must remember that I'm human too, that this means I too deserve what I would offer others. But I have trouble believing it.

@ZeraphimI forgot to finish my thought. Essentially, I cannot forgive what is on-going bullying by someone who is unwilling to acknowledge my humanity, their harmful behaviour, and thus cannot self-reflect and reform said harmful behaviour, in order to seek or offer forgiveness. The hurt is on-going.

@Zeraphim I understand this situation feels incredibly difficult and frightening. Being in a place that is supposed to feel safe yet experiencing ongoing bullying must take a huge toll. How does all this make you feel inside?

Please know we are all here with you to listen to and to support. You are not alone in this. 

@Zeraphim That sounds like a tough situation, I'm sorry you're dealing with that...I can semi-relate...I felt trapped living with my parents when they were physically and verbally abusive, then I ended up in a physically abusive relationship with my ex-fiancé who would blackmail me when I tried to escape and nearly made me unalive....

After what he did and some past trauma, I've became disabled and live alone with my son.

It's been difficult doing things alone...My current partner is long distance and his transportation is down, but tries to help when he can. I hope you also have some support too.

Apologies for being nosy, but are you able to get government assistance for disability pay and maybe find affordable housing? I had to leave my job due to medical issues, and have been attempting to apply for disability since I can't really work anymore... I was in the middle of a career change too, so it kind of bites. I'm also getting quite a bit of tax money back to help pay for housing while I try and get disability income. Currently waiting on my doctor to write a note that I need to apply and also talking to an attorney...

I hope things get better in your situation. Sending good vibes your way. 🌟

Is there someone who has bullied you that you may consider forgiving?

Honestly? No. After everything I've been through. I have forgiven too many times only to get stabbed in the back and one such person nearly ended my entire existence after putting in trust. I have gotten to the point of the 3 strikes rule. If you strike out, I'm done dealing with you. The older I become, the less I tolerate things. I'm also more selective on who my friends are now and who I consider family. If you cause harm to my family (son or partner) or myself, you're out of my life.

@ImpudentIncognito I understand why forgiveness is so difficult after experiencing harm and broken trust. Maintaining your well-being and protecting your loved ones is so important. I am glad you have developed strength and boundaries to feel secure. How have you found ways to take care of yourself through challenging times? 

@ASilentObserver

Forgiving and forgetting are two different things. I can forgive someone, because I did bully people when I was younger. I'm not proud of it and honestly I genuinely did not see it as bullying. I was just scared that I was going to get bullied again that I would hurt people before they hurt me. Nevertheless, I wouldn't expect the people I bullied to forgive me, but I think I can forgive those that bullied me. Will I talk to them, no. Will I try and be friends, no. Honestly, I don't want to see them again and the only reason I am being lenient is because people can change. I don't want to be around for it, but I pray that the people who bullied me change for the better so that they don't hurt others like they hurt me. However, if they're still the same people then 100% no.  

@JollyRacher It sounds like forgiveness is an important part of your journey toward healing. Reflecting on one's past actions and seeking to understand others can be difficult yet valuable processes. What feelings arise as you consider both forgiving those who hurt you, and the possibility that some may not have changed?

@ASilentObserver

Unfortunately, I have encountered people who haven't changed and honestly I doubt they ever will. As much I wanted them to change I had to put myself first. Some people sometimes don't see what they do wrong and refuse to take accountability for their actions. They continued to hurt me, lie to me, take advantage of me emotionally and physically. The whole time I thought if I waited long enough or did enough things they would change but they didn't. In the end I was the one who was exhausted tired and hurt. So, I had to cut off and distance myself from that person.   

@JollyRacher It sounds like you have had difficult experiences with people who hurt you and then refused to take responsibility for their actions. It can be exhausting when we try to hold on to relationships that are no longer serving us. Prioritizing your well-being is important. Sometimes, distancing ourselves from toxic individuals is necessary for our healing. 

I go by what Mark Twain once said... To paraphrase, forgiveness is the delicate scent left by a flower on the shoe that ground it into the dirt.

@slowdecline48 That's a thoughtful quote about forgiveness. It can be difficult to forgive those who have hurt us deeply. 

@ASilentObserver

Forgiveness is not for the person who did the damage but for the mental process of the one who's been hurt. Holding onto anger, resentment, and hurt is akin to carrying a heavy weight. By choosing to forgive, you release those negative emotions, freeing yourself from their burden and letting go of bitterness. Forgiveness acknowledges the pain inflicted, but you choose not to let it define you. That's when you can start to heal, and on your own terms. I reached this point with several people who didn't bully me, per se, but caused massive damage to my mental health. The farther I got away from them, and the longer the span of time, the less they mattered. Their effect will never go away completely, but I don't invest any of myself in them anymore. Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

@Heather225 I agree forgiveness is a powerful tool for releasing negative emotions and moving forward. 

@Heather225

yeah. Forgiving is something we do for our own healing and not for anyone else. 

@ASilentObserver I had a few people who bullied me because I am of a different race. Before when I was little I often got mad and sad when people bullied me because of my race. The older I got I realized that we are all humans, we were born the same way. We live in the same planet. We are ALL THE SAME just physical features are different. It isn't important what their opinions are and if i listened to it my life would be affected and I don't want that. I want to live my life the way I want to live. 

@Vane26 I understand how being bullied can bring up strong emotions, especially when it happens because of something personal like your race. It takes courage to recognize that everyone is human and deserves respect, regardless of our differences. Forgiveness is a process, and it's okay if it takes time. 

Is there someone who has bullied you that you may consider forgiving? There is quite a few people who have bullied me lately that I may consider forgiving.

How can forgiveness contribute to your healing process? How forgiveness can contribute to my healing process is by giving me more energy to focus on and create what I'm grateful for and allow more of it, rather than on that which makes me resentful, angry or blaming and causes more problems in my life.

How can you practice self-forgiveness for any perceived weaknesses or shortcomings? How I can practice self-forgiveness for any perceived weaknesses or shortcomings is by releasing and integrating strong emotions through different tools and skills.

What are the things you rely on to boost your well-being? The things I rely on to boost my well-being are positive and power affirmations, declarations, deserving and allowing, a peer support group, pulling cards and practicing other alt therapy like visualizations, utilizing color healing or crystals, music (listening or playing my guitar and singing or singing along to music and dancing, or just dancing.) going to the gym, self care apps, listening to my intuition, actively looking for the good in others and loving them (especially those who bother me), fighting back when people are being ridiculous and knowing when to do so and when to back down, giving back in small ways however I can, calling helplines and practicing daily self care routines and rituals such as hygiene and journaling, doing my nails, makeup and trying new things with my hair.

I've also begun taking more risks, adapting as needed to experiences I never thought I could, exploring hobbies and interests such as photography, self study through workbooks like 'Really Good F Words', 'You Can Heal Your Life' and 'Mindful Self Compassion', asking for and truly accepting help without guilt or shame, reading books that call to me or that others recommend, making an inspiration vision board and listening to podcasts such as Gardenary and Harvard Business Review while on walks. 

@communicativePond1728 It sounds like you are working hard to prioritize your well-being and find what helps you feel better. That is great! Forgiveness is a journey and it is okay if it takes time. You are doing amazing by focusing on gratitude and finding activities that bring you joy. Keep up the good work!

@ASilentObserver No, i can't.. even the one who bullied me 7 years ago genuinely apologized to me, bt he bullied me for 3 years straight i couldnt forgive him easily and that happened 7 years ago, that event stll make me traumatized even today. Recently we suddenly meet each other but he ignored m  and ran away :)...

@Eitas I am sorry to hear that you had such difficult experiences with bullying. It can take time to process and heal from trauma, especially when it continues over a log period. Your feelings are understandable. How did you feel when you recently ran into the person who bullied you?

Honestly in my face i didnt express any feeling like make it cool but internally i was scared as *** he changed alot

@ASilentObserver Not to get too much into detail, but I see forgiveness as a self- realization technique, and why I say this is because you only forgive someone based on your own thoughts and through self-care. I feel as if when it comes to me forgiving someone, it has to be something minor for me to forgive them for with a display of changed behavior, because if I am forgiving someone it does not mean they have right to sit at my table again or be in my energy, I feel that if someone does something major towards me, i forgive them and they continue to do the same type of behavior then I am only fooling myself. So yes I can forgive someone, but once I go no-contact with a person it will take a lot longer for me as individual to forgive because it had to reach that point, and the disappointment is just so high that it's going to take a while.

@InsightfulPhoenix It sounds like you have a thoughtful approach to forgiveness. You mentioned that forgiveness is about realizing things yourself, and that it takes time to forgive someone after they've done something major. How does that process look like for you?

When it comes to minor, and forgiveness. I enforce boundaries, continue to uphold the boundaries. If the person displays behavior change then with time, I slowly allow them back in my own time. When it comes to major, and forgiveness. I enforce boundaries, continue to uphold it just like minor, however if I notice the person keeps the same behavior, disrespects/degrades me in anyway more than once, showing me they do not care. Then I start the detachment process, and minimize contact. An if the behavior continues, no-contact follows after. No-contact is a form of self-care, an I only use it as a final decision. It takes a lot for me to get to that point.

@InsightfulPhoenix  It sounds like you have a thoughtful approach to forgiveness and boundaries. You mentioned that if someone shows consistent disregard for your well-being, you set limits and may reevaluate the relationship. This can be difficult, but it is important to prioritize your own needs. You got this <3 

Absolutely, and as a parent, especially a mom. It is my duty/obligation to teach my daughter that it's okay to set boundaries, keep them enforced and go no-contact if absolutely necessary. Of course, it shouldn't a goal to want to go no-contact with someone, but if it happens then well that person should not have taken kindness for weakness.

@InsightfulPhoenix That's a good policy to have. In my experience, however, "changed behavior" is rather uncommon. By the time most people reach adulthood, if learning how to treat others decently has not happened then it never will. That is certainly true by 30 years of age. On top of that, it is also true--though some of the mods here don't like to discuss it--that certain mental disorders, particularly the various forms of ASPD, can significantly interfere with or prevent the aforesaid learning from occurring. It's not just a matter of intelligence...no level of intelligence, no matter how high, can make up for a lack of conscience.

I have dealt with someone that had ASPD, it took a lot of patience, but not to get too much into it, but it was hard sometimes because the outburts were just to frequent, an depending on how the person with ASPD is raised shows alot in the characteristic traits of how they treat you in general,but this my personal view on it lol. I can definitely understand where you are coming from though @slowdecline48

@ASilentObserver yeah, not holding onto it anymore. We were kids, figuring out the world, and I'm sure if I met someone now, they are miles away from who they were as a kid. I'm opened to reconnect in case a genuine effort is made from the other side, but I will not do it myself as last time I gave it a chance a few years ago it was still too early. It impacted me, sure. But I mean. Not gonna hold onto something someone did like 10 years ago as a child, just as much as I hope noone holds my misbehavings from my child times against me. 

@sadcat13 I hear you, Cat. Forgiveness can be difficult when we feel hurt by others. Please know, you deserve kindness and understanding. You've taken a wise approach by considering factors before taking action. How do you think this approach might help you move forward?

@ASilentObserver

It has been a roller coaster ride. Those who have bullied me in high school or even earlier outside school/inside school- I have forgiven them.

Reason : we don't know much about how we behave in those times. we pick up bad habits and drop bad habits, sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly. I have managed to meet a couple of people who wronged me once and we have talked and become friends later. 

My opinion is that context always matters. It depends on what level something went wrong inside your heart after those bullies. sometimes it's a learning experience and other times it's about setting solid boundaries. 

Forgiving does sound like a soft person trait on a surface level. But it has some power to mend our hearts when we do it. 

@sky2Ocean20 Thank you for sharing your perspective on forgiveness, Ocean. It can indeed be challenging to forgive others, but it can also bring healing and closure. 

no. I have been able to let it be and be cordial but forgiveness may never happen.

@anonyTortoise3336 Forgiveness can take time, and sometimes it doesn't come easily. How do you feel about maintaining a cordial relationship with this person?