Lost

@mikenai22 Hey there's absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of! And you are definitaly not weak! It takes a very strong person to ask for help. And the fact that they agreed, well that says alot to. You're their son...they love you. You love them. I'm sure it made you uncomfortable but there's nothing wrong with it. They want you to be happy and whole.

I'm not sure... I think it started as a bad habit...clentch my teeth to keep from saying something I shouldn't. Not it's just something I catch myself doing when I'm angry.

Man what is it with these doctors not wanting to do their job? If it's something that happens often I would definitely say something to this doctor, because it could be an underlying condition. It should definitely be looked into.

I hope you're feeling better and have gotten the nutrients you need to help your hunger. the calculating would drive me nuts (sorry don't mean it to sound that way) Math and number's just aren't always a strong skill for me. And the questioning and and second guessing things, well I do this now about things and drive myself nuts.

Your appointment is on Wednesday right? I mean I'll talk to you tomorrow or well it's almost Tuesday here. Just double checking to make sure I got it right.

Take care of yourself, as always be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. I need to do the same tonight.

@mytwistedsoul

Before I reply below

Sorry to interrupt the usual comments. Something seriously dont feel right.

Minus the exercise part, which continued to drain me.

I do not know who to talk/chat with about.

I'm very very exhausted. I think it is time. This whole "thing" feels stupid.

The mind, The body, The soul, they don't even sync.

Worst of all, I am not even happy nor satisfied nor feel "rightness" doing anything.

It is almost like everyday is rinising and repeating.

Even if someone ask me to change, I dont think I can, nor know what to be changed. Plus I might need a lending hand as a guide/accountability.

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Hey there's absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of! And you are definitaly not weak! It takes a very strong person to ask for help. And the fact that they agreed, well that says alot to. You're their son...they love you. You love them. I'm sure it made you uncomfortable but there's nothing wrong with it. They want you to be happy and whole.

I understand, especially topics as such which is both sensitive and personal, one with definitely be more on the cautious/protective side.

"They love me" - Not too sure about that. My perception or expectation of love could be mis-aligned. And how they show their care for me can be different. I understand.

But now, since everything, everyone is haywired about me. I doubt it can be easily recovered.

I'm not sure... I think it started as a bad habit...clentch my teeth to keep from saying something I shouldn't. Not it's just something I catch myself doing when I'm angry.

Try noticing the pattens when it happens, and see if you can find any causes/triggers to it.

Man what is it with these doctors not wanting to do their job? If it's something that happens often I would definitely say something to this doctor, because it could be an underlying condition. It should definitely be looked into.

Probably they feel that there are other conditions that are most important/crucial to be looked at than those?

I duno, I'm not trained in the doctrate and medicine field

I hope you're feeling better and have gotten the nutrients you need to help your hunger. the calculating would drive me nuts (sorry don't mean it to sound that way) Math and number's just aren't always a strong skill for me. And the questioning and and second guessing things, well I do this now about things and drive myself nuts.

No idea. Just constantly eating... Bloating, Weak, Tired, Sleepy, etc. But sleep is still pockets of intervals.

Dont worry, i understand twistedsoul.

Your appointment is on Wednesday right? I mean I'll talk to you tomorrow or well it's almost Tuesday here. Just double checking to make sure I got it right.

Yes, tomorrow morning.

Tuesday afternoon 1252hrs for me.

Take care of yourself, as always be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. I need to do the same tonight.

Take care twistedsoul. Have a great evening.

@mikenai22 Hey no apologies....

I'm a little confused...time for what? I mean I kind of have my own ideas about what time it is, but forgive me I'm not sure I'm following what you're saying. You can talk to me about anything, ya know? You can't change for other's, you have to want it for yourself. Which is hard - scary. And I think it's ok if you're not sure where to start. And it's ok to need help with guidance and accountability.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Everyone has different perceptions and expectations of love. It has to do with how we're raised, I think. I think how we view ourselves plays a part in it too. If we see ourselves as unloveable or unworthy of love, that plays a big part. To be honest... Love, unconditional love is foreign to me. In my mind...love hurts.

Me either, but the regular doctor I have is just as bad. For example : you go in for say an earache, he'll cover everything but the earache. It's frustrating. I mean he gets there eventually but if that's what I made the appt. for let's cover that first.

Maybe some of it is nerves? Anxiety? I know I'm that way if I'm anxious or nervous it really bothers sleep even more. And with the eating...idk..if your body is craving some vitamin or mineral maybe that would cause the constant eating. Sorry I don't have more input.

It's a bit early.. but I wish you the best of luck with your appointment. My thoughts will be with you!

Take care, Mike, be gentle, be brave, stay strong, you got this

@mytwistedsoul

Hey no apologies....

I'm a little confused...time for what? I mean I kind of have my own ideas about what time it is, but forgive me I'm not sure I'm following what you're saying. You can talk to me about anything, ya know? You can't change for other's, you have to want it for yourself. Which is hard - scary. And I think it's ok if you're not sure where to start. And it's ok to need help with guidance and accountability.

I don't really know.

Perhaps something like change?

This time for good.

Not sure.

I am thinking that since i have so many "issues" on my head, or even if i pen'ed it down.

Since I cant really make any decision.

Why not get someone to be accountable for me. i.e. family, external, etc.

It is highlikely related to money or some sort of possession stuffs.

And i likely have some reasons for wanting, and not wanting them.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Everyone has different perceptions and expectations of love. It has to do with how we're raised, I think. I think how we view ourselves plays a part in it too. If we see ourselves as unloveable or unworthy of love, that plays a big part. To be honest... Love, unconditional love is foreign to me. In my mind...love hurts.

How true. Part of me doesn't believe in relationship is because of this.

The fear of getting hurt. Another self-fish reason is the hate for maintenance. The maintenance of the relationship. The constant need to care for each other.

Me either, but the regular doctor I have is just as bad. For example : you go in for say an earache, he'll cover everything but the earache. It's frustrating. I mean he gets there eventually but if that's what I made the appt. for let's cover that first.

My psychologist, had abit of this "kind" of tactic. I have a main goal of wanting to get something addressed, but always gets dragged to the end of the session, which often gets "timed" out or never talked about because of lack of time or we side tracked during the session. No matter how hard i steer back the conversation, doesnt really help.

Maybe some of it is nerves? Anxiety? I know I'm that way if I'm anxious or nervous it really bothers sleep even more. And with the eating...idk..if your body is craving some vitamin or mineral maybe that would cause the constant eating. Sorry I don't have more input.

Yup, you might be right. But I do not know what.

I only know my mind/body is literality in a confused state.

And the hunger pains just dont tally.

And say if i am eating more, i presume more energy, i should feel... "energised"? at least?

But no sadly. Only a larger belly.

It's a bit early.. but I wish you the best of luck with your appointment. My thoughts will be with you!

Take care, Mike, be gentle, be brave, stay strong, you got this

Thanks twisted soul. its 2243hrs now tuesday.

Thank you for remembering about it.

@mikenai22 Change is good. I need to make some changes too. I have got to get a grip on the stupid sh*t I do to myself. That's something totally different though.

At least you're aknowledging that you think it's time for change. You're open to it. It's scary though. Leaving the known for the unknown. I want to say though - I am very proud of you...I know that probably sounds corny or sappy, but you have made quite a bit of progress in accepting things since we first started talking. You're alot more open and upfront with things. At least I think so anyway.

See now my therapist - (this sounds so bad on my part) he's too easy to lie to. Man that sounds so sad, I hate to say I lie to him about things but I do. I tell him what I think he want to hear and he doesn't really question it. Or if he does he doesn't say anything. I feel bad about it and I will admit some of it is just a trust issue, because I haven't been seeing him long but if he knew half of what goes on in my head... I hate to think what would happen.

If you're not getting enough proteins and carbs though that would affect your energy levels. I think anyway.

You know - I think I'm nervous for you, lol! I know how nervous I was for my first appointment. About drove myself nuts!

3 pm here. Good Luck!

@mytwistedsoul

Change is good. I need to make some changes too. I have got to get a grip on the stupid sh*t I do to myself. That's something totally different though.

Fear is holding me back. I did not even dare to talk to my mum to ask for help yesterday.

At least you're aknowledging that you think it's time for change. You're open to it. It's scary though. Leaving the known for the unknown. I want to say though - I am very proud of you...I know that probably sounds corny or sappy, but you have made quite a bit of progress in accepting things since we first started talking. You're alot more open and upfront with things. At least I think so anyway.

However, everytime i declare it. I always hold back, or step back. The feeling sucks.

Thank you twistedsoul for noticing things I have done, efforts that I have made. Despite them being small, not visible to me. But yet you noticed them and pointed it out to me. I appreciate it. My psychologist pointed to me also, which i often missed it. Only only lead to self-blame.

See now my therapist - (this sounds so bad on my part) he's too easy to lie to. Man that sounds so sad, I hate to say I lie to him about things but I do. I tell him what I think he want to hear and he doesn't really question it. Or if he does he doesn't say anything. I feel bad about it and I will admit some of it is just a trust issue, because I haven't been seeing him long but if he knew half of what goes on in my head... I hate to think what would happen.

Is your therapist aware of it?

Or is it because he is filtering your messages?

If this is really the case, then I don't think it is healthy and helpful in the long run.

Because it is just abit wrong if it is one-sided. Plus/similarly to my situation, if there is no synchronisation or synergy between yourself and the therapist, in terms of understanding, care and willingness to help, i doubt there is any point to further continue?

Its like the commitment part is lacking, and worse of all, damaging to yourself?

If you're not getting enough proteins and carbs though that would affect your energy levels. I think anyway.

I am very lost about these macronurtients (Carb, Protein, Fat) stuff.

A lot suggested things like dont track your calories, nurtients, etc.

But some said that you don't do, you don't know what is wrong.

So a few times, i actually plugged in the numbers to a online tracker. Which i've tried recently again - Once only.

And i dont see anything that went off the chart. Plus i think it overshot?

Although there is also a side note that these online calculators are just reference and should be taken as pinch of salt. Only yourself knows your body and how to listen and act accordingly.

You know - I think I'm nervous for you, lol! I know how nervous I was for my first appointment. About drove myself nuts!

3 pm here. Good Luck!

Oh my, how come become you're the one that is much nervous than me.

I felt more numb to it - Its like I am going for the wrong reasons. I have not even thought of what to say. Other than the one question that I have. and i kept worrying about the sore throat.

I really despise medical places, hospitals, clinics. The sad, dull feeling. The needles. Pains.

@mikenai22 Fear can make people do things. That fight or flight thing. Or freeze.

Hey every step counts, even the little ones. You may have noticed them but disregarded them or figured they didn't matter. Or possibly more focused on what was wrong steps, instead of the little right steps.

To be honest - I don't know if he knows or not. He might have an idea that I am. But hasn't called me out on it yet. Maybe he's waiting to for me to come clean. The best easiest way for me to explain it is that there is something very self destructive in me. I'm trying to get a handle on it but sometimes it gets away from me. I do really good with it for a while but then I start on a slide and I can't stop myself.

Yeah it is all kind of confusing. I'm only going by some of the things I've read about. While it is true that only we know our bodies and listen and act accordingly... we also ignore what our bodies tell us when something is wrong. We push it and push it hard at times.

Haha I'm not sure. I'm just a little high strung sometimes, I guess.

I hope it goes good for you.

Oh yeah hospital's suck. They're very draining.

@mytwistedsoul

great, the nurse totally ignored my request.

took my height, weight, BP, HR right in front of me.

great thanks for letting me know that I gained weight.

must be thanks to all the late night binges.

fine. anyways it is just only a matter of when only. no point of hiding forever.

Fear can make people do things. That fight or flight thing. Or freeze.

Sure does. Hence important to be cautious and try to be presently aware whenever situation requires alertness.

most of all common sense should be applied. (i.e. the stupid breakfast that dropped to the floor)

Hey every step counts, even the little ones. You may have noticed them but disregarded them or figured they didn't matter. Or possibly more focused on what was wrong steps, instead of the little right steps.

I don't see them. need some one to really stand in front of me. repeatly mantra to me.

I think my issue is more towards the negativity side, always looking at stuffs negatively. hence the little positive stuffs gets covered easily.

To be honest - I don't know if he knows or not. He might have an idea that I am. But hasn't called me out on it yet. Maybe he's waiting to for me to come clean. The best easiest way for me to explain it is that there is something very self destructive in me. I'm trying to get a handle on it but sometimes it gets away from me. I do really good with it for a while but then I start on a slide and I can't stop myself.

same. it isn't easy to let go off, once you are used to something.

anyways. perhaps you might be right. how about you try to be open for once. just once.

see if it makes things better.

Yeah it is all kind of confusing. I'm only going by some of the things I've read about. While it is true that only we know our bodies and listen and act accordingly... we also ignore what our bodies tell us when something is wrong. We push it and push it hard at times.

hiaz I don't even know how to move on

continue researching online, ask Reddit, pay for some professional? or doctors. or just do nothing

Haha I'm not sure. I'm just a little high strung sometimes, I guess.

... ...

​​​​

I hope it goes good for you.

Oh yeah hospital's suck. They're very draining.

nope the nurse already spoiled my thoughts.

all I wanted to know is about the stupid schema therapist.

now they just have to blow my disorders up

@mikenai22 Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I started to, but my head was pounding. Still hurts but not as bad. Just makes me sort of unfriendly when it hurts too bad. And hard to think clearly.

Wow that really sucks. I'm sorry that the nurses were so inconciderate of everything. That's not the best way to start off.

I can understand, I do the same thing sometimes. You get so focused on the bad stuff that it completely covers anything good. Sometimes even when someone points out the good, it's like you have to point out the bad.

Being completely open with him...worries me. The hospital thing. Idk, I'll have to work on it. See if I can find away to be upfront with him, without sacrificing my freedom.

I don't think doing nothing will help. There has to be something, someone who is alittle more conciderate of you and your feelings. Maybe the 7cups therapists? Since it's online, maybe. Idk.

Again I'm sorry they handled everything the way they did. I was hopeful for you. Thinking they wouldn't be so inconciderate, that they would be more professional about what you're there for.

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I started to, but my head was pounding. Still hurts but not as bad. Just makes me sort of unfriendly when it hurts too bad. And hard to think clearly.

Dont worry twistedsoul. Small matter.

Nothing matters more than yourself first. Indeed, I can comtemplate your feeling of pain, and its irrirating feel when you need/want/have to do something.

Wow that really sucks. I'm sorry that the nurses were so inconciderate of everything. That's not the best way to start off.

Forget it. The experience was not great. Although i can only say that something was done.

I can understand, I do the same thing sometimes. You get so focused on the bad stuff that it completely covers anything good. Sometimes even when someone points out the good, it's like you have to point out the bad.

Indeed, it is a "trained" behaviour that I kind of habitualised to my dailys. Such that I dont even see any good out of anything. Unable to experience the good despite having some negativities.

Being completely open with him...worries me. The hospital thing. Idk, I'll have to work on it. See if I can find away to be upfront with him, without sacrificing my freedom.

Try? You wont know, till you try.

No change, also means you stay where you are.

I don't think doing nothing will help. There has to be something, someone who is alittle more conciderate of you and your feelings. Maybe the 7cups therapists? Since it's online, maybe. Idk.

yes. Maybe might try.

running out of options.

Again I'm sorry they handled everything the way they did. I was hopeful for you. Thinking they wouldn't be so inconciderate, that they would be more professional about what you're there for.

Dont be sorry. I'm just fed up about them not listening.

exposing my weight to me. kinda dissapointed and demoralised.

@mikenai22 I like the way you do your reply's. Sorry I never said anything sooner.

It reminds me of what I said to you and along with your answers. It's made me realize what a hypocrite I am. For example- I was saying about not being up front with my therapist and you said I won't know unless I try, no change, I stay where I am. BUT in the next sentence I tell you that I don't think doing nothing will help. So I need to practice what I preach. Thank you

It really is disappointing that they don't listen. Frustrating. I just, idk, really thought that they would have just handled things a little more discretely.

I hope with the new day coming your way, it goes better for you and you feel a little more.. I want to say better but I also know if it was me I'd still be upset about it. So I'll say alittle more at ease (?) with the situation.

Take care, definitely be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

I like the way you do your reply's. Sorry I never said anything sooner.

Thanks. Just trying to get messages covered.

Hey, dont be sorry. Its ok. Its just my style only. If it is missed its ok.

It reminds me of what I said to you and along with your answers. It's made me realize what a hypocrite I am. For example- I was saying about not being up front with my therapist and you said I won't know unless I try, no change, I stay where I am. BUT in the next sentence I tell you that I don't think doing nothing will help. So I need to practice what I preach. Thank you

It is good to hear that you are aware and being present of your situation. Realising is also another important aspect as there are people (like me, who is not realising it, that it is "killing/hurting" me, i.e. exercises).

Perhaps maybe if i can suggest for you, is the next biggest wall for me. Acceptance.

See if you can try to take on the challenge to "change" and try to move on.

To see if it helps in any way, good or bad.

It really is disappointing that they don't listen. Frustrating. I just, idk, really thought that they would have just handled things a little more discretely.

I pretty much guess it is "poorer" service quality, government clinics.

Plus it is just another daily routine to them.

I hope with the new day coming your way, it goes better for you and you feel a little more.. I want to say better but I also know if it was me I'd still be upset about it. So I'll say alittle more at ease (?) with the situation.

I am. Especially with the weight part. I am still dwelling about it.

I dont know what went wrong. Other than the part where I know I certainly "ate" more. Not intentional, but to satisfy the hunger pains.

Yet I exercise more, etc. and still not helping. zzz

Thank you for trying to help to make my mind and day easier.

Although tomorrow, i got another fear again to handle. Needles. - I requested for blood test to be done

Take care, definitely be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thanks again. You too try to slow down and perhaps see if there is anything you are ok with to try with to help move on about your thoughts with therapist.

@mikenai22 Acceptance is an issue. Lately accepting myself just isn't something that is going too good. Do you ever have days where you just don't like yourself? I've been having a lot of problems with just accepting myself. I don't like who I am and who I'm becoming. But I'm not sure what to do about it.

I hate to say it but you would think government things would be better run. Unfortunately it's the same pretty much everywhere. The government has all the funds but the poorest care facilities.

I understand the weight part and wanting to ease the hunger pains. It's not good to feel hungry. Empty. The only thing I can think of it just needing something with more substance but I'm not sure how or what.

It's good you're having blood work done, even if you don't like needles. Although I understand that fear too. A lot of people don't like needles. I don't mind blood being drawn but for some reason I'm always a little suspicious about shots themselves. Wondering if it's what they actually say it is, what's in it. Sad, this distrust I have of eveything. I hope it went well for you.

Thanks you - for reminding me to slow down.

Take care... be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul

Acceptance is an issue. Lately accepting myself just isn't something that is going too good. Do you ever have days where you just don't like yourself? I've been having a lot of problems with just accepting myself. I don't like who I am and who I'm becoming. But I'm not sure what to do about it.

Good that now you are able to acknowledge and being aware of it. Now its time to maybe start slowly ease in and try "accepting" things that can/cannot be resolved. - i mean if it is a problem or something that is blogging you

Hey, If you noticed the conflicts between yourself and who you desired to be, why not try making changes to where you wanted to be? I mean like you have something in mind correct? Isn't it something to work towards to? Unless there is something that is holding you back

I don't like myself? - Dear My Twisted Soul, I never liked myself. Never once. If I did, I doubt I will be in 7cups. Don't be sorry for not being able to notice it. Neither nor please be offended that it meant that anyone in 7cups is someone who don't like themselves. What I am trying to say is I think I am having "this" problem, hence I looked for help and found this place.

I hate to say it but you would think government things would be better run. Unfortunately it's the same pretty much everywhere. The government has all the funds but the poorest care facilities.

Any single institution or practitioner has their pros and cons. So yea, gotta accept it.

Its just perhaps things got lined up poorly this time round.

I understand the weight part and wanting to ease the hunger pains. It's not good to feel hungry. Empty. The only thing I can think of it just needing something with more substance but I'm not sure how or what.

It is ok. Perhaps like what many online had suggested could be due to

- extreme hunger

- body fighting back for fuel

- mental breakdown after prolonged restriction

- overworked body (since i wake up super early like 3/4am now)

It's good you're having blood work done, even if you don't like needles. Although I understand that fear too. A lot of people don't like needles. I don't mind blood being drawn but for some reason I'm always a little suspicious about shots themselves. Wondering if it's what they actually say it is, what's in it. Sad, this distrust I have of eveything. I hope it went well for you.

My only concern now is whether if the bloodwork is sufficient, as for the tests that the doctor ordered. I'm kinda fearful that it is not sufficient, and may need follow-ups. i.e. more needles...

Online forums is talking about some additional tests that I am wary of, plus I duno how much they are going to cost.

Shots well - Those were the past when we were since young.

Nope, it is going to be tomorrow or 10 hours time... (2200hrs now, have to start... fasting, if i can bear with it. My mental/physical hunger has not been stable over the entire day lately)

Thanks you - for reminding me to slow down.

Take care... be gentle with yourself

Sure do. try to frequently remind yourself if you can.

And yup, thanks again for your reminder to me.

In addition I just suddenly had this wild thought. - Give yourself a break. I doubt i know how to practise it. Perhaps instead it has to be forced down on me.

@mikenai22

No I noticed, and yeah you're right If you did or if I did, neither one of us would be here. You wouldn't have an ED to deal with and I wouldn't be so self destructive. That's how I ended up here too. Looking for a quick fix, well sort of quick fix. More like idk, a stop or a lay over.

I did see something about if you fast, that your body stays in stavation mode and it stores the food as fat instead of using it as energy. Wow, you sleep sounds like mine now. I can lay down after midnight and I'm up before 3. Leaves alot of time to get things done. But it is exhausting.

Oh wow, well I hope they don't need to take anymore and I know blood tests are expensive. Have you ever checked out The Mighty website? They're kind of like here but not quite. Might be something to look into. Or not.

I hope it went well for you. Your blood work.

Lol! Thanks I'll try.

Take care...rest...be gentle

@mikenai22

No I noticed, and yeah you're right If you did or if I did, neither one of us would be here. You wouldn't have an ED to deal with and I wouldn't be so self destructive. That's how I ended up here too. Looking for a quick fix, well sort of quick fix. More like idk, a stop or a lay over.

oh well... everyone has their individual reasons and rights and privileges to doing anything. i shall not debate.

actually, mine did not started with ED.

Hmm quick fixes, like what i've read mostly. always resulted in things like "it will not work" in the long run.

its just like a quick temporary getaway only.

I did see something about if you fast, that your body stays in stavation mode and it stores the food as fat instead of using it as energy. Wow, you sleep sounds like mine now. I can lay down after midnight and I'm up before 3. Leaves alot of time to get things done. But it is exhausting.

Not too sure about the "starvation mode" and how food is burnt as energy/stuffs. But then yea, from my understanding, it does affect my sleep cycles and it is very tiring and irrirating.

Because of all these weird stuffs and "hatred" for my father. my entire lifestyle has changed. until it does not look humane.

But then I cannot put the blame on them, it could be a self-wanted choice. However what is even worse is that this "choice" i dont feel good. Its like I might say I wanted it. But I don't truly wanted it. So i do not know who is making the call here.

Oh wow, well I hope they don't need to take anymore and I know blood tests are expensive. Have you ever checked out The Mighty website? They're kind of like here but not quite. Might be something to look into. Or not.

No idea, based on the test order form, i dont read anything specifics to vitamins. I am not very well versed in this.

"The Mighty" ??? - I'll take a look later. Thanks.

I hope it went well for you. Your blood work.

Lol! Thanks I'll try.

Take care...rest...be gentle

Havent yet (3 hours more), feeling lethargic, my yoga 110% did not go well, very very tired.

I removed the hand workout, and even changed the yoga to just a morning basic flow. yet still difficult to accomplish.

Gona... rest. If i cant take it, im just gona break the fasting. Not worth it.

@mikenai22

I almost missed your post. You tagged yourself. Sorry...

Maybe share the blame? I try to, it probably doesn't seem right. But I figure everything is a two way street. Give and take, ya know?

LIke I said it's sort of like here. You can post thoughts and questions and people answer and comment. I thought perhaps with a wider veiw maybe there will be other answers for you. I hang there sometimes.

So how was the tests? I hope it went well for you. I hope you didn't break your fast, that way you can just get it over and done with. Then you don't have to worry about doing it.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

I almost missed your post. You tagged yourself. Sorry...

Opps, my perfectionist mind must have miswired. Perfectionist streak gone. =.=?

mike...., nothing to sweat about. Perhaps your mind was thinking of stuffs.

Nah twistedsoul, dont be sorry. To be honest, I dont think it is healthy for me also.

I have been... refreshing 7cups to wait for you response. - This is part of the reason why I am thinking of quitting. I have this complusive behaviour of constant refreshing. i.e. forums, youtube, anything. which i should learn to quit.

Maybe share the blame? I try to, it probably doesn't seem right. But I figure everything is a two way street. Give and take, ya know?

Not say share the blame. Rather coming back to what you mentioned, why is there a need to blame in the first place.

It is just a matter of perceptions, and also the need to balance self-thoughts and give and take.

Problem is with myself not wanting to give in. Everything must be "right". Cannot give in to others.

LIke I said it's sort of like here. You can post thoughts and questions and people answer and comment. I thought perhaps with a wider veiw maybe there will be other answers for you. I hang there sometimes.

Hahas. Okays.

I havent had time to try out the page. My body was not cooperating with the chair yesterday.

I posted at reddit for help, but no response.

So how was the tests? I hope it went well for you. I hope you didn't break your fast, that way you can just get it over and done with. Then you don't have to worry about doing it.

Nope i did not break the fast. I just held the hunger pain and went for it. slightly 30mins earlier.

But i was so fearful and worried. My entire body was full of sweat during the entire process.

I managed to grab some data from the online results.

I'm not very well versed with the results. Might need some referencing online and doctor's advice.

Some numbers are indicated lower.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.

Thanks twisted soul. I'm still pondering how i quoted myself instead.

Oh well. You too have a good weekend.

My boss is starting to pressure me to find other therapist. Sad.

I'm kinda exhausted from finding.

@mikenai22 Seriously ...don't sweat it. You probably did have alot on your mind plus with having blood work done and all the other things going on you probably were over whelmed. It happens. Some of it with the refreshing... please don't take this wrong... but you're lonely yeah? Like me.. no friends..companions..mates. Looking for companionship... camraderie. Acceptance... there's nothing wrong with that. I mean I'm not saying sit on the computer and wait for hours. But I do understand. I do the same thing sometimes. Looking for that human connection.

That's a hard balance to find. I can be a little weird with that. I'm pretty quick to say to h*ll with it, it's my fault. I did it, I admit it. I'll except the blame for just about everything. Programed I guess.

Reddit can be a little funny. I just wanted to make sure that you knew it's not got chats or anything. Just posts for thoughts and questions.

Woo hoo! Good for you ! That's great, I was worried you would. Oh I bet... Nothing wrong with being nervous, you had a really good reason for it. But well done, I'm glad you got it done and over with. It's just early yet though for the results isn't it? I'd be careful with researching anything until you have the full picture though. Just my thoughts.

Relax.. Take a deep breath... You did good!

I hope you have a good/nice/decent weekend. Try to take a moment for yourself...enjoy some sun... take a walk

Take care..Be gentle with yourself.. you've had a couple stressful few days.

@mytwistedsoul

Seriously ...don't sweat it. You probably did have alot on your mind plus with having blood work done and all the other things going on you probably were over whelmed. It happens. Some of it with the refreshing... please don't take this wrong... but you're lonely yeah? Like me.. no friends..companions..mates. Looking for companionship... camraderie. Acceptance... there's nothing wrong with that. I mean I'm not saying sit on the computer and wait for hours. But I do understand. I do the same thing sometimes. Looking for that human connection.

thank you for understanding. perhaps could be.

The refreshing of pages is kind of complusion, and i hope to get rid of it as soon as i can. it is not healthy.

Even for work too (If i still get to keep it), i.e. checking of emails, online task tracker, etc.

Lonely, yea. If you are asking about my social circle. However I'm not sure if i am actually looking for a companion. Its more like seeking some sort of "safety net/sense of security" kind of thing.

To be honest, sitting at the computer for days, has been what I have been doing. Other than the morning workouts, meal preparation and groceries shop. I'm guessing everyone has their ways of doing things or not doing things.

That's a hard balance to find. I can be a little weird with that. I'm pretty quick to say to h*ll with it, it's my fault. I did it, I admit it. I'll except the blame for just about everything. Programed I guess.

Share with you something. I used to behave like that. Every little fault and stuffs, regardless whose fault. I will just take up the blame. I am always the one who just like to pick up responsibility despite not being at fault. Somehow it just felt easier for me to manage things easier.

But after my life saga started, I seemed to have some sort of mindset change. And now I forcefully make the guilty one to be responsible.

Reddit can be a little funny. I just wanted to make sure that you knew it's not got chats or anything. Just posts for thoughts and questions.

Not very sure... But now I'm there for a few reasons. It started off, of course from Pinterest -> Quora -> Reddit

- ED stuffs and queries

- Depression + Anxiety

- Gifts of games, HumbleBundle, etc.

- Computers, Build Setup showcase

- (degenerating) getting better, self-help, motivation, Today I Learnt, etc.

- (worsening) aww, some weird animal pictures

- (way worse) fitness, diet, askdoc, etc.

I noticed everytime I turn on the computer, all these "social" stuffs take up most of my time.

Yet I do not really know what I want to do.

Woo hoo! Good for you ! That's great, I was worried you would. Oh I bet... Nothing wrong with being nervous, you had a really good reason for it. But well done, I'm glad you got it done and over with. It's just early yet though for the results isn't it? I'd be careful with researching anything until you have the full picture though. Just my thoughts.

Thanks again twistedsoul for care and concern.

Well, me between the computer and internet. - Nothing is stopping, the report also got those astriek marks indicating what is not within recommended levels. So i kinda got some hint already.

Relax.. Take a deep breath... You did good!

I hope you have a good/nice/decent weekend. Try to take a moment for yourself...enjoy some sun... take a walk

Take care..Be gentle with yourself.. you've had a couple stressful few days.

Sure... Will try, but not with the incense/cigarette/calculator/handphone/tv noise.

No sun, been raining lately. Well I already ran, and somehow my calves are starting to show weird tense pains. And my main stomach core seems to be acting weird also. Not sure is it because of my "sitting" sleeping posture that gave those problems. Which seem to be affecting my workouts.

Yea, hope so. Just that my boss'es side is not being friendly. Yet i still have to face it one day.

(Despite what HR mentioned, that i should only be focusing on myself doing what i want during this "break")

@mikenai22 Hey how are you?

Sorry it's been a few days. This past weekend has been a problem for me.

I..well... the past few days have been the opposite. Avoiding the computer, pretty much anything electronic. The outside world.

How did you do that? Although I'm sure it'll take work. But that's good, yeah? To make people be responsible for things if it's their fault. Just seems like it would lead to confrontation. I really really try to avoid confrontations. Talk about getting nervous.

Did you get the rest of your results back? Sorry - being nosy. Well...and curious.

I know what you mean about no sun.. it's been raining here off and on since Friday. Over 2 inches. Which is probably helping the down mood I feel in. I'm ok with thunderstorms but extended periods of rain are depressing. I'm sorry to hear that your bosses are giving you a hard time. But you have to do what's best for you. It's hard sometimes to follow the advice of others.

Take care...be gentle

@mytwistedsoul

Hey how are you?

Surviving i guess.

Things are still kinda the same more or less.

Exercise and workout are weakening.

My sleep cycles are shifting, starting to wake up during wee hours instead. - although i kinda like the peace.

Food well, kinda excessive. and worrying.

Sorry it's been a few days. This past weekend has been a problem for me.

It is ok. Everyone needs their timeout.

I..well... the past few days have been the opposite. Avoiding the computer, pretty much anything electronic. The outside world.

How did it feel? Did the disengagement eased off anxiety, worries or anything that concerned you? - It is ok if you do not feel comfortable to reply

How did you do that? Although I'm sure it'll take work. But that's good, yeah? To make people be responsible for things if it's their fault. Just seems like it would lead to confrontation. I really really try to avoid confrontations. Talk about getting nervous.

Definitely. Plus it incurs alot of self-damage. Not worth it if you take a step back and review.

Erm, well on the contary yea. If you managed to get the message across to the relevant superiors. Otherwise, the guilty one will just be free.

Yea, confrontations sucks. Especially when dealing with the "responsible" people. Its like difficult to think of the correct words to use.

Did you get the rest of your results back? Sorry - being nosy. Well...and curious.

The rest? Actually I already checked them online the other day.

Its more like interpretation only. I checked (googled) all those that are "remarked" for review.

I know what you mean about no sun.. it's been raining here off and on since Friday. Over 2 inches. Which is probably helping the down mood I feel in. I'm ok with thunderstorms but extended periods of rain are depressing. I'm sorry to hear that your bosses are giving you a hard time. But you have to do what's best for you. It's hard sometimes to follow the advice of others.

Take care...be gentle

It is difficult. Thanks twistedsoul.

@mikenai22 Hey.. Are you going to bed any earlier? That could maybe explain the earlier waking. There is always something nice about the wee hours of the morning. I always liked it too. There's a silence to it... peaceful. I imagine it's even more so with you because the rest of the house is sleeping, and the world around you is much more quiet.

Yes and no, There were other concerns and I always seem to be worried about something. But it was kind of peaceful in it's own way.

Yeah, anything said the wrong way or taken the wrong way, would put people on the defensive and make the confrontation much worse. Especially if the guilty person knows they did wrong. But I guess if we're held accountable for the wrong things we do, Everyone else should be too. There has to be a balance.

Oh sorry! I guess I figured it was like here, with my doctor you get blood work done, I have to go back in for them to tell me what they found. Did you figure out what was low and why? Of course...none of my business so you don't have to answer. Just curious.

It is hard to remember to be gentle, especially with our thoughts, we're our own worse critics. But I hope you're trying.

Take care, yeah? Be gentle with yourself, at least the best you can.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey.. Are you going to bed any earlier? That could maybe explain the earlier waking. There is always something nice about the wee hours of the morning. I always liked it too. There's a silence to it... peaceful. I imagine it's even more so with you because the rest of the house is sleeping, and the world around you is much more quiet.

I am indeed, not volunteerily but could be miniorly intentional. Because of my weakness, lethargic after dinner.

Somehow it is difficult to garner energy to even sit for another period in front of the computer.

Yup, something about the silence that is rather "rewarding" or forward looking to.

The whole "world" felt so much more wider. Compared to when that "guy" is ramping around at home.

Yes and no, There were other concerns and I always seem to be worried about something. But it was kind of peaceful in it's own way.

I see... do try to and i hope that you are able to let go or address them sooner or later.

Dont be like me, grabbing on to a endless loop that never resolves.

Yeah, anything said the wrong way or taken the wrong way, would put people on the defensive and make the confrontation much worse. Especially if the guilty person knows they did wrong. But I guess if we're held accountable for the wrong things we do, Everyone else should be too. There has to be a balance.

Guessing its a person's natural instinct to be on the defensive side. - Much worse off, for my type who tends to overthink/assume the wrong ways...

Wow, Imagine if someone who knows they are truly guilty and yet still go ahead with... definitely deserves to be dealt with.

Oh sorry! I guess I figured it was like here, with my doctor you get blood work done, I have to go back in for them to tell me what they found. Did you figure out what was low and why? Of course...none of my business so you don't have to answer. Just curious.

Oh you are referring to follow up, it will be coming friday.

For the general stuffs, I never asked in forums. But google's results shows things like diet, malnutrition, sensitivity, etc. Cant truly recall them. Neither nor I am certain if it is correct. - You know the feeling of mis-diagnose or being "self" doctor. Although it is kinda self-worrying to see those results.

It is hard to remember to be gentle, especially with our thoughts, we're our own worse critics. But I hope you're trying.

Take care, yeah? Be gentle with yourself, at least the best you can.

Ok... Thanks twistedsoul. I can only try. But never a gurantee.

Hope you have a good rest.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

I've been having a few issues with the computer myself. But the opposite sort of. I'll be ready to reply but then my thoughts just go poof and either scatter or disappear. Doesn't seem to matter how hard I concentrate or focus. I just can't seem to gain back my train of thought.

I know people that... well they have to know that they are guilty of wrong doing but still go ahead with the nonsense. Family... and confrontation with them is scary because they are united in the wrong doing. And it's just me against them and I always seem to be on the losing end . I try to avoid them at all costs but they just are like the tide... impossible to hold back.

Well I do hope it's nothing too serious with the results. Something that can maybe be fixed with a change in diet or something. Something easy to deal with. Yeah ... the thoughts of.... well, that can't be right. I've had that a few times myself. I do hope though that everything turns out ok for you.

Hey as long as you try, right? Of course nothing is ever guaranteed.

Be gentle.. take care... rest when you can

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

still operating. as usual trying to figure things out.

waiting for the day to end.

not wanting to see tmr, cause it will just rinse and repeat

I've been having a few issues with the computer myself. But the opposite sort of. I'll be ready to reply but then my thoughts just go poof and either scatter or disappear. Doesn't seem to matter how hard I concentrate or focus. I just can't seem to gain back my train of thought.

ah.. I see, let me know if you need a break.

just sharing on my side. I have not been able to focus on a single tab, ever since a while back. maybe 2-3 years back. the mind will often be in a multi tab parallel thoughts and worse off all. recent late last year end. I haven't been able to focus on a single tab for a single task before moving on to next.

I know people that... well they have to know that they are guilty of wrong doing but still go ahead with the nonsense. Family... and confrontation with them is scary because they are united in the wrong doing. And it's just me against them and I always seem to be on the losing end . I try to avoid them at all costs but they just are like the tide... impossible to hold back.

about that, some people like me for example are truly stubborn... and never registers..

family I guess it is equally as challenging as well. it's like a part of you don't wanna hurt feelings while another felt that there is a need to address something

Well I do hope it's nothing too serious with the results. Something that can maybe be fixed with a change in diet or something. Something easy to deal with. Yeah ... the thoughts of.... well, that can't be right. I've had that a few times myself. I do hope though that everything turns out ok for you.

1. vitamin b-12 I finally got some, although it was much costly compared to outside...

2. "they" as in everyone hopes that I quit this diet. hiaz. is it really that I (some genetics) probably is not compatible with whole food plant based clean eating

3. other issues, digestion, cramps, weakness, food coma. as usual no doctors want to comment on it.

Hey as long as you try, right? Of course nothing is ever guaranteed.

Be gentle.. take care... rest when you can

not sure twisted soul... it is very exhaustive

I'm trying to rest. but I find it very difficult to.

the mind just doesn't felt like it

the body does not feel good either

@mikenai22 I guess by now your day has ended and restarted. I'm sorry... you sound really depressed. Is there anything I can do to help? Are you getting out of the house? Maybe taking a little time to take in the sun?

It's all right, somethimes it just helps to just walk away and go for a walk... gather up the thoughts as I go. My head just get's too busy sometimes and then... idk... it's almost like I blow a fuse. A glich in my system.

I would guess if the b12 is from the doctors it's probably a higher quality. Or higher dose. I looked into the b12 vitamin a little. Sorry, I'm not trying to intrude or anything. I did learn that an all plant diet does cause a b12 deficiency. That it causes lethergy and depression, weakness and brain fog. Maybe they don't want to really get into the other issues until you're on the vitamin for a while. Because may be you were getting it and your body just isn't absorbing it the way it should. Hopefully you'll get some more answers on Friday.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I hope you can find a little peace and rest. I hope you feel better

@mytwistedsoul

I guess by now your day has ended and restarted. I'm sorry... you sound really depressed. Is there anything I can do to help? Are you getting out of the house? Maybe taking a little time to take in the sun?

Sorry if it affected you somehow.

I am not very sure to be honest. Its just that everything is so confusing.

Well, I've went out to see the doctor. So yea I presume it counts.

It's all right, somethimes it just helps to just walk away and go for a walk... gather up the thoughts as I go. My head just get's too busy sometimes and then... idk... it's almost like I blow a fuse. A glich in my system.

yes, true. Just that my walks are sometimes "generated" by ED to walk excessively. it somehow becomes a compensation. Have to kind of rewire the mind to think differently.

Just like my morning workouts. It usually is blind sided by ED thoughts. Now I keep trying to tell myself, whether you like or dislike the "workout", but look forward to the end of the workout. Because that after exercise "feeling" is great.

Compared to never workout at all which sucked. But then, coming back... by workout routines has not been good.

But yea, walks sometimes, detaches you from your thoughts. Actually "mindless" activities (routines) or whatever helps too.

I would guess if the b12 is from the doctors it's probably a higher quality. Or higher dose. I looked into the b12 vitamin a little. Sorry, I'm not trying to intrude or anything. I did learn that an all plant diet does cause a b12 deficiency. That it causes lethergy and depression, weakness and brain fog. Maybe they don't want to really get into the other issues until you're on the vitamin for a while. Because may be you were getting it and your body just isn't absorbing it the way it should. Hopefully you'll get some more answers on Friday.

No idea. The dosage is lower actually.

Wow... appreciate it twistedsoul for making effort to understand more.

The symptoms are what that puzzled me, its like so does it mean low b12 means i get those? because the so many different reads/reports about the issues which are similar, but triggered by other factors.

And yea poor nutrition could also be due to lack of absorbtion (i.e. undigestion -> bowel... -> wasted)

Actually i chanced upon a open slot and changed the appointment to yesterday. Rather get some answers than waiting at home for nothing.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I hope you can find a little peace and rest. I hope you feel better

Nope.... and I woke up at a awkward timing today and havent rest yet. oh well.

Take care.

@mikenai22 Don't apologize, I'm just a little worried about you. I imagine it's very confusing, all of it. But I think you're doing a pretty good job doing what you need to, to try and figure it out. Although it must still be pretty frustrating. And disappointing.

Maybe once things are figured out a little better and you're not fatigued and feeling physically weak, maybe the work out will be better for you. It's hard to change how you think about things. I've been trying to do the same thing. It's hard though. Because you have to struggle against all the thoughts that go against what you're trying to change.

I don't blame you for wanting to go in sooner. The waiting can drive you nuts. It's better to try and get some answers sooner. I'm not sure either, because I was reading similar things. But I'm trying not to fuel your thoughts. I do hope that they find some answers for you soon and that things can change for the better, so that you feel better.

Still... try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Don't apologize, I'm just a little worried about you. I imagine it's very confusing, all of it. But I think you're doing a pretty good job doing what you need to, to try and figure it out. Although it must still be pretty frustrating. And disappointing.

Thanks. Really. And yes, it is frustrating.

Thanks for reminding me about me trying out and not stopping, despite things not working out well.

Workout still deproving. I wonder if it is time to call for help.

Maybe once things are figured out a little better and you're not fatigued and feeling physically weak, maybe the work out will be better for you. It's hard to change how you think about things. I've been trying to do the same thing. It's hard though. Because you have to struggle against all the thoughts that go against what you're trying to change.

These "things" - I have been wondering, if it will ever end? And what are this list of things actually to be exact? Its like one day, the list can be defined as follows, while later on the list can just change a few days later. Its like I don't really exactly know what/where/why am I even doing or prepring the list for - temporary happiness?

About getting better - Yes, I truly wished and hoped for it. Just that I don't know how. And whether if i can even accept the change to reach that stage.

Thought change about things - Well... yea difficult. But somewhere deep down, knows that it has to be done.

I don't blame you for wanting to go in sooner. The waiting can drive you nuts. It's better to try and get some answers sooner. I'm not sure either, because I was reading similar things. But I'm trying not to fuel your thoughts. I do hope that they find some answers for you soon and that things can change for the better, so that you feel better.

It is ok. Cause... in the background. My multi-tabs of windows are full of the articles.

Still... try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Take care

Thanks again. Really. Thank you for being around.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you today?

You're welcome... I just want you to know. You're not alone, I mean, I know I'm not there physically. But you're not alone.

That's a question thats always on my mind - will it ever end... change. Is this all there is? Maybe the list changes because the priorities change. Or get side tracked. Kind of like doing one thing but before you can truely finish it, something else pops up. The things are closely related and you need to finish both before it can truely concidered done. You know what I mean? Just because you know something needs to be done - doesn't make it any easier to do. Sometimes it just makes it harder.

Hey you're welcome. I know it may take a few hours or even days sometimes to get back to you, but I here for you. To offer support, maybe some friendly advice, an open ear. I want to remind you again - I really do think that you're doing a good job, with everything coming at you. I know how overwhelming everything can be, how lonely it can feel, but I feel you're facing it. You're pointed in the right direction and taking steps. Even if it doesn't feel that way to you. You may not see it, but I do. I'll be your gentle reminder. Thank you too. For everything... helping to bring me out of my shell. For being someone to toss idea's around with. You've help me too - more than you know.

Take care.... be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you today?

It was bad.

Stomach was cramping/spasming the whole noon/evening/night.

Cant really tell is it because of, indigestion, hunger, food poisioning, food intolerance, stress, tired, weak stomach, etc.

Cant really even sit in front of the computer for long.

End up panadoling and sitting on the bed the entire day. - Felt like a waste

Search for meaning of life (Gaming) - Perhaps i should take a break, nothing seem to be helpful. I just only keep draining and pushing myself.

Search for new therapist - It does not seem that continuously finding a new one will help. Most/More importantly, i need to even seek or understand what myself truly want first. If not no amount of sessions or anything will be able to address anything.

You're welcome... I just want you to know. You're not alone, I mean, I know I'm not there physically. But you're not alone.

Don't worry. I understand.

Great that you reminded me, otherwise would have forgotten.

That's a question thats always on my mind - will it ever end... change. Is this all there is? Maybe the list changes because the priorities change. Or get side tracked. Kind of like doing one thing but before you can truely finish it, something else pops up. The things are closely related and you need to finish both before it can truely concidered done. You know what I mean? Just because you know something needs to be done - doesn't make it any easier to do. Sometimes it just makes it harder.

if you noticed, there is also this constant question of "why" or rather questioning,

Im not sure if it is about all these is or not. But rather that being able to manage or accept and handle the situation, going with the flow than acting against it will seem to help further.

Yes, in life enexpected things most in times happens. That's why it is called unexpected - Its not like something intentionally left out of what

But what i am rather irritated and not "fulfilled" is the fact that I cannot justify the "energy" or whatever to get something done. There isnt a purpose or anything for me to work for.

Hey you're welcome. I know it may take a few hours or even days sometimes to get back to you, but I here for you. To offer support, maybe some friendly advice, an open ear. I want to remind you again - I really do think that you're doing a good job, with everything coming at you. I know how overwhelming everything can be, how lonely it can feel, but I feel you're facing it. You're pointed in the right direction and taking steps. Even if it doesn't feel that way to you. You may not see it, but I do. I'll be your gentle reminder. Thank you too. For everything... helping to bring me out of my shell. For being someone to toss idea's around with. You've help me too - more than you know.

It is ok. It serves as a reminder to me that it is not mandatory for you to reply either. And also to bear in mind that this will end one day also. I doubt we can continously keep it up forever.

Thanks for reminding me that you are around to listen. - I often forget and blame "everyone" that no one listens, nor "reply" to what i want to listen/answer

Thanks for reminding me that - I am doing something, despite the unsatisfactory outcomes. I am often blinded by the problems itself and just going back to the dwelling rountines.

Me helping you - To be honest, I can't really see it. I can only know that I am here. Replying as sensible as possible and genieue about my thoughts. I do not see apoint to keep hiding or going around to get accross a message. But if you feel helped from me, I am contented enough. Although I do not really know my true aims nor goals for myself.

Take care.... be gentle with yourself

Have to, I cant take it anymore.

I think maybe i cannot do self-care anyrmore. Might need some form of "forced down" self-care maybe.

@mikenai22 The definitely doesn't sound good. When it's like that, have you ever tried taking like Pepto or something. Immodium? To see if it would, idk calm your stomach? I mean it probably wouldn't but it might be something to try. Well I think ultimately you'd like to feel better, so that's sort of a start. Just my opinion. Maybe a few starter sessions would help you find and understand what you do want.

Just think of me as long distance support.

The why's... why why why... Makes me feel like a child sometimes. Always asking why. Maybe when you get yourself stronger.... then go against the flow. If you think about what you want... what's the first thing that comes to mind. And I mean the very first thing. For me ... it's to be content. That is literally the first word that comes. Not happy, not success or fullfillment. Just content. With myself, with my life. I think if I can get that, the rest will hopefully fall into place. So I pu my energy into understand or trying to find understanding of myself, for the goal of being content. Idk..that probably doesnt make any sense.

Hey everybody likes to be heard... we need to be heard. That validation everyone is always telling me about. You're allowed to feel frustrated and angry and upset. This is something you're going through, something you're dealing with. I'm finding that sometimes people don't listen because they just don't want to, they don't understand the situation... so they just don't care. Doesn't make it right. Bet everyone needs someone to have on their side. Lol! You got me. While I may not always understand..( which is why I ask questions all the time) I am trying to understand, because I think that you're worth it. I'm just trying to help you see it too.

You have helped alot. I like talking with you... I enjoy seeing the progress you've made, even if you can't see it. I like your honesty and your no BS attitude. I think in time you will find goals for yourself. It's quite possible that they're all ready there, you just have to uncover them.

Aggressive self care... I saw that somewhere else on here. Maybe make yourself a treat? take it to a nice sunny spot and give yourself a moment to enjoy the moment... yeah? Even if you have to force yourself at first. Allow yourself the time. You deserve it.

Take care...Be gentle

@mytwistedsoul

Instead of saying How I am today.

I'll be truly honest on my thoughts than how I am feeling.

I dont feel well, mentally well. The feeling of something is not right, i.e. diet, health, life, work, money, relations, and the entire lifestyle feels ruined or messed up.

I dont really know how to move on. And yet i feel very scared to change.

The definitely doesn't sound good. When it's like that, have you ever tried taking like Pepto or something. Immodium? To see if it would, idk calm your stomach? I mean it probably wouldn't but it might be something to try. Well I think ultimately you'd like to feel better, so that's sort of a start. Just my opinion. Maybe a few starter sessions would help you find and understand what you do want.

Never heard of them before, Just did a quick google. They are for diarrhea? I dont think mine is under that classification? Not very sure.

What I have been considering is digestive enzymes (can be costly) or just continue the antispasmodic medication which is abit placebo for me.

I'm just tired of spending money, again and again. Yet not seeing results.

Just think of me as long distance support.

I will. I will.

The why's... why why why... Makes me feel like a child sometimes. Always asking why. Maybe when you get yourself stronger.... then go against the flow. If you think about what you want... what's the first thing that comes to mind. And I mean the very first thing. For me ... it's to be content. That is literally the first word that comes. Not happy, not success or fullfillment. Just content. With myself, with my life. I think if I can get that, the rest will hopefully fall into place. So I pu my energy into understand or trying to find understanding of myself, for the goal of being content. Idk..that probably doesnt make any sense.

Red - For me, worries, (i.e. food plans, problems, hunger, what is going on, etc.), ruminations

Then later i keep thinking about, routines, life direction, am i doing things wrongly?

I cant seem to understand or take time to understand myself.

Its great to hear that you came to a conclusion of wanting contentment, such that believing in it will allow the rest i.e. happiness/success/fulfillment or whatever will come to place. - Dont lose focus

Hey everybody likes to be heard... we need to be heard. That validation everyone is always telling me about. You're allowed to feel frustrated and angry and upset. This is something you're going through, something you're dealing with. I'm finding that sometimes people don't listen because they just don't want to, they don't understand the situation... so they just don't care. Doesn't make it right. Bet everyone needs someone to have on their side. Lol! You got me. While I may not always understand..( which is why I ask questions all the time) I am trying to understand, because I think that you're worth it. I'm just trying to help you see it too.

Red - I don't understand. So who am i proving it to? Why "everyone" is nagging and saying that I am not doing things correctly

Blue - I dont want to admit this. But i think i am starting to feel "lonely". Not in the relationship manner. But in the "I need someone who I can talk/chat with and can understand/side/help/accountable for me". Maybe i take the talk portion out, because my throat does not seem to make it every time. Believe me, I talked to so many doctors about throat issues. None bothered to even discuss about it.

Pink - Its ok, I dont blame you. I dont mind explaining my thoughts, if it is via chat. I cant seriously talk.

Green - Thank you. But I am very sorry to say that I have tried very hard to remember/realise that I am worth it. I just keep feeling negatively and felt like everything always crumbles. Perhaps the stupid diet or my stubbornness has crumbled my world and view.

You have helped alot. I like talking with you... I enjoy seeing the progress you've made, even if you can't see it. I like your honesty and your no BS attitude. I think in time you will find goals for yourself. It's quite possible that they're all ready there, you just have to uncover them.

Red - Hey, No problem. I did not really know that. I kept thinking that I am here asking for help only.

Blue - Sorry... Its very hard. I cant see it. I dont feel the strength nor energy to uncover them. Maybe I am lazy, procrastinating or need someone to uncover and show the path for me.

Aggressive self care... I saw that somewhere else on here. Maybe make yourself a treat? take it to a nice sunny spot and give yourself a moment to enjoy the moment... yeah? Even if you have to force yourself at first. Allow yourself the time. You deserve it.

When I make a treat for myself, If i gorge, I worry about calories later. Then got stupid mindset of oh, you need to compensate later, i.e. exercise, yoga, or lesser dinner, etc.

That is the mentality, or not is that the mind will just battle it out. i.e. Hey mike, stomach still grumbling, can you just ignore the "treat" earlier and just eat some more?

Or not about the treat, is sore throat. Then i will start blaming myself. Stupid mike. Eat Eat Eat is all that matters to you. Now you got that sore throat - Well Deserved.

Or not about the cost/effectiveness - Hey, oats are cheaper, no wait, flour is even cheaper. You should use those and not those expensive flour/grains treats.

I dont know. Its just difficult.

Self-Care Suggestions - I'm just tired trying, so many recommendations. I dont know where to start. When i try, i.e. game, video, etc. I just step back very quickly. When I game or "forcefully" try to, i get fear, anxiety, etc. very quickly. I just dont know why. Its not the same as the past.

If people say sleep... Hiaz, that is another round of big problem...

Take care...Be gentle

Thanks. This post perhaps is one of the bigger opener.

@mikenai22 I must apologize to you - it's been longer than I intended. I have been somewhat of an emotional wreck.

I understand what you mean. I've been feeling the same way myself. The fear of change, the fear of aknowledging what we know isn't right.

I think that the antispasmadic thing is what I was thinking of. The immoduim usually helps with the stomach cramps. I get those sometimes when the anxiety is off the charts. It could just be that taking it make me think I'm helping it feel better.

It's hard to feel like you're worth it when everyone is always nagging and telling you what to do and what not to do. This might sound totally stupid, but could some of your throat issues be because you don't feel like you have anything worth saying that anyone wants to hear? Almost like being selectively mute. Nobody cares what I'm saying, nobody is listening anyway, so why bother?

It's socializing - at least for me. Plus you give me things to think about. It's a little hard to find your goals when they're buried under a mountain of everyone elses expectations. I'm doing the same thing. I've had all these expectations piled on me - I've always been told everything I should do or say or feel. What I want and what I need always came last. I don't think you're lazy... I just think you're lost and in need of finding a proper support system. People who truely understand. Which is hard because alot of the time if someone hasn't been through it themselves it hard for them. The just figure you should "get over it and let it go... move on" But it's not that simple.

I just had frozen yogurt pop into mind. Is that something of interest? Or sherbert? Something that would maybe help your sore throat but still be a treat. Something that doesn't hold alot of calories that you wouldn't worry about enjoying? Dealing with cost is difficult. And I swear it just keeps getting worse. Feeding and taking care of yourself shouldn't have to be so expensive.

Has something happened with the gaming? Like maybe someone walked and and commented about you wasting time on it. Playing when you should be doing other worth while things? Because that can get stuck in your mind. Some of my sleeping problems I think come from that. Didn't matter if you were sick or worked your butt off the day before. There was always that voice asking if I was going to sleep all day. Nevermind that I was only in bed for 2 hours and still exhausted. You're not alone on the sleep issues. I hear you on that.

Again... sorry it took a bit. Sometimes I need to just regroup and get my head straight.

Be gentle with yourself... I know it's hard.. I have the same struggle at times.

@mytwistedsoul

I must apologize to you - it's been longer than I intended. I have been somewhat of an emotional wreck.

Hey, it is ok. Don't worry. Take your time. Be it weeks or months. Or even not replying. It's ok.

You or I (as in oneself) is more of important in terms of priority.

I understand what you mean. I've been feeling the same way myself. The fear of change, the fear of aknowledging what we know isn't right.

Indeed. But mostly times, it could also be that our perception could be "accidently" misled to think wrongly although we may perceive it as right.

I think that the antispasmadic thing is what I was thinking of. The immoduim usually helps with the stomach cramps. I get those sometimes when the anxiety is off the charts. It could just be that taking it make me think I'm helping it feel better.

I see. Let me look around.

To be honest, I am very puzzled whether if the cramp/spasm is due to

- indigestion

- anxiety/worry

- food poisioning

- real damage to body?

It's hard to feel like you're worth it when everyone is always nagging and telling you what to do and what not to do. This might sound totally stupid, but could some of your throat issues be because you don't feel like you have anything worth saying that anyone wants to hear? Almost like being selectively mute. Nobody cares what I'm saying, nobody is listening anyway, so why bother?

Not really. Rather it truly hurts. Its like a good 10-15min continous talk to explain my conditions, i.e. to someone, psychiatrist/psychologist, etc. is good enough to trigger.

Its not like i dont want to explain. I dont mind to explain, as long as the person is willing to sit down and listen. - Of course I would certainly hope that the person do not rebut me... But then it is still up to the person's freewill

It's socializing - at least for me. Plus you give me things to think about. It's a little hard to find your goals when they're buried under a mountain of everyone elses expectations. I'm doing the same thing. I've had all these expectations piled on me - I've always been told everything I should do or say or feel. What I want and what I need always came last. I don't think you're lazy... I just think you're lost and in need of finding a proper support system. People who truely understand. Which is hard because alot of the time if someone hasn't been through it themselves it hard for them. The just figure you should "get over it and let it go... move on" But it's not that simple.

Red - I truly feel, that I might be at that stage soon. Its kind exhaustive and exhausting. Life is kinda boring and meaningless. To be very bluntly honest, its like its all over for me. Look at all the problems that this stupid stubborn perfection mindset, lifestyle had caused me, the weird diet (not blaming vegan/vegatarian community), health, exercise, money, work (my job), relationship, social. All is being affected.

I just had frozen yogurt pop into mind. Is that something of interest? Or sherbert? Something that would maybe help your sore throat but still be a treat. Something that doesn't hold alot of calories that you wouldn't worry about enjoying? Dealing with cost is difficult. And I swear it just keeps getting worse. Feeding and taking care of yourself shouldn't have to be so expensive.

Haha, nope thanks.

There was once where just somehow, I tried frozen bananas. (Yea although high in calories)

But somehow it aggravate the pain even more.

Cost hiaz, well, it is another problem... its like medical cost, food cost, lifestyle cost... everything is money.

Has something happened with the gaming? Like maybe someone walked and and commented about you wasting time on it. Playing when you should be doing other worth while things? Because that can get stuck in your mind. Some of my sleeping problems I think come from that. Didn't matter if you were sick or worked your butt off the day before. There was always that voice asking if I was going to sleep all day. Nevermind that I was only in bed for 2 hours and still exhausted. You're not alone on the sleep issues. I hear you on that.

More like my lifestyle. Its gone. Hobbies, pasttimes, favourites, used to dailys.

i.e. cartoon anime, music, gaming... they are all gone.

What's stuck in my mind is always worries, problems, decisions.

i.e. food, what should I be doing, job, money, exercise?, calories, sleep?, noise?, room layout?, etc...

Again... sorry it took a bit. Sometimes I need to just regroup and get my head straight.

Be gentle with yourself... I know it's hard.. I have the same struggle at times.

Hey like mentioned, dont worry. Take your time.

Thanks, you too, be gentle with yourself too. Sometimes, it might just be more important to focus on yourself.

Sharing something i heard online

i.e. try telling/advicinging yourself, what you will tell/advice someone (i.e. friend, relative, close ones, etc.) if they are experiencing what you are feeling now.

@mikenai22

That stuff night not work, Not that I'm trying to talk you out of it. I just don't want to build up your hopes. I kind of figure though if it's not expensive it might be something to at least try. But if you have indigestion, it should help. Sorry I kind of went in a big circle with that thought. Grasping at straw's I guess.

And they've looked at your throat? Thay didn't see anything wrong? No inflamation, swollen tonsils? That's weird, if it hurts that bad, and there's nothing they see, you'd think they'd look into it more. Do cultures or something.

It's not over... it just seems and feels that way. We need to figure out how to get through your fixed thinking and get you to a point where you can move forward. I'm not sure how but with going and getting things checked out, that at least is a start.

That's kind of strange, I would have thought that with a sore throat something cold would have made it feel better. I honestly don't think I've tried frozen banana's. Everything is money and I hate to say it but I think it's only going to get worse.

Did it start before or after you changed your eating habits? I'm not sure where I'm going with that... looking for reasons, I guess. Usually there's something that causes things to change or stirs things up. some contributing factor. I know anxiety feeds our fears, and depression steals our motivation. I know you can have both at the same time and it just see saw's back and forth. Has anyone talked to you about either of those?

Thank you for being understanding. Have you noticed... we're so good at giving each other advice, but we never use it for ourselves? You would think we would.... at least give it a try.

Thanks Mike... You take care and be gentle with yourself... hopefully we'll figure something out... something that can help you feel better.

@mytwistedsoul

That stuff night not work, Not that I'm trying to talk you out of it. I just don't want to build up your hopes. I kind of figure though if it's not expensive it might be something to at least try. But if you have indigestion, it should help. Sorry I kind of went in a big circle with that thought. Grasping at straw's I guess.

Its ok, just reading only. No commitments yet. Its like better than me reading or doing same things over and over again. Rather what majorly concerning me is whether if all the problems are actually related "to the mind"

And they've looked at your throat? Thay didn't see anything wrong? No inflamation, swollen tonsils? That's weird, if it hurts that bad, and there's nothing they see, you'd think they'd look into it more. Do cultures or something.

No. Not doctor 1 (gave lozenges), doctor 2 (gave paracetomol), doctor 3 (nothing).

No. Nothing wrong.

My father only know how to continue smoking, burning incense.

I don't really know what to do. Other than drinking.. (which hurts my stomach), or more lozenges (which are costly and sugary)

It's not over... it just seems and feels that way. We need to figure out how to get through your fixed thinking and get you to a point where you can move forward. I'm not sure how but with going and getting things checked out, that at least is a start.

Not sure... But I just feel that it is over for me.

It just seems stupid, very stupid of me.

I have been listening to alot of "self-help", "motivational", "inspirational" talk and realised that there are so many things out there. Yet I dont want to try...

That's kind of strange, I would have thought that with a sore throat something cold would have made it feel better. I honestly don't think I've tried frozen banana's. Everything is money and I hate to say it but I think it's only going to get worse.

To be honest, I thought so?

I tried frozen bananas yesterday again. It hurts.

About money, I don't know. I know its crucial for survival.

But if the supply is cut, you (I) immediately feel the cringe.

I know I can "temporary" ask for help, but then the stupid mind will start to worry again.

Hiaz. I dont know how, I cant seem to manage/concentrate on work.

Yet it is a problem to me.

Did it start before or after you changed your eating habits? I'm not sure where I'm going with that... looking for reasons, I guess. Usually there's something that causes things to change or stirs things up. some contributing factor. I know anxiety feeds our fears, and depression steals our motivation. I know you can have both at the same time and it just see saw's back and forth. Has anyone talked to you about either of those?

Anxiety/Depression is something I have controlled and hide since young. I just didn't open up and usually bottled up with myself. Only now, I open up. Which then becomes a official record.

Eating Habits, well, this is something I do not know how it actually ventured or ended this way.

I believe everything started to detoriate since "Army's" referral to psychiatrist.

Worry -> Solitary Personality Disorder -> Anxiety, Depression -> Eating Disorder -> Work -> Lifestyle

Along the way, my "server" (NAS) hard drives went into some issues, which turned me into a very depressive mode, without backups. But somehow I managed to recover most of the data later on, a few months of struggle later.

People do talk to me, but I just cant seem to be able to get over it. Sometimes I really hope I can be handheld at least a while (I know it sounds like I am acting like a child...) but at least to tide over. But seems to be hard to explain to others.

Even online youtube videos, after i listen deeply and asked myself... why am i so... stubborn at times.

Who does not know, the "better" side is always on the other end. The only way out of the rabbit role is to change.

Thank you for being understanding. Have you noticed... we're so good at giving each other advice, but we never use it for ourselves? You would think we would.... at least give it a try.

Fully aware.

Which I felt, that perhaps, I should save the entire thread posts/replies.

Read and Review as mantra everyday.

And perhaps quit 7cups until I recover.

Thanks Mike... You take care and be gentle with yourself... hopefully we'll figure something out... something that can help you feel better.

Thank you.

TwistedSoul

Somehow, I managed to dwell into a computer game. But, after sometime

my head hurt, my shoulder/back hurt, my mind hurt.

most importantly, I gained nothing.

now asking why am i doing this.

@mikenai22 Some serious issues with the site today. I knew I saw your tag some where but the notifications are just all over the place.

The more I think about it, I really wonder if you don't have an allergy to smoke. That it's whats causing the irritation.

Do you maybe feel you don't want to try because of feeling discouraged? I can truely understand that. With the problems at home and your body telling you something isn't right, but the doctors not doing enough to figure things out. They leave you feeling as though they aren't listening.

Money is everything. I hate that it is. You need it to live some place, to eat, to just... live. It's a shame that we place so much merit on it. Money is veiwed as happiness, success. It doesn't make you a better person, but everyone seems to think it does. I understand the cringe - that feeling of being indebted to someone.

I don't think you sound like your acting like a child. Honestly - I have moments like that myself. I feel like a child, playing an adult. I think it's because I have no clue what I'm doing. Just sort of blindly feeling my way. Change is hard, it really is. But even though you feel like you're being stubborn, you have actually done some moving forward. Just by making appointments and following through with them, that says alot. It's hard to explain things to people - always, because of the fear of judgment, rejection. Just the fact that they are so quick to disagree and then it just makes us wonder even more what is wrong with us.

Hey I'm glad to hear you tried a game, I'm sorry it made you feel so lousy afterwards though. Did it maybe make you tense or like fearful because it felt ok at first? Like you felt bad for enjoying it for a little? Or maybe in the back of your mind you felt bad or conflicted? I'm not quite sure how to say it. I guess.. ok.. if I do something here and feel a sense of acheiving something, it won't be too long until I start to doubt that acheivement and then it makes me feel bad for having that feeling of pride. I feel guilty for it. Does that make sense?

I hope you can have a good evening/night. Try to be gentle with yourself. You're doing alot to try to find your way through all this. Feel good about the acheivements you have accomplished - no matter how small you think they are.

Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Some serious issues with the site today. I knew I saw your tag some where but the notifications are just all over the place.

yup. got around 50 over notifications in one shot.

its like the old notifications all came back

The more I think about it, I really wonder if you don't have an allergy to smoke. That it's whats causing the irritation.

I doubt it is allergy. More like a hatred and dislike for it. It builds up over time.

But it builds up now until everytime i am exposed to it.

It hurts. Even outside when I am not at home.

Do you maybe feel you don't want to try because of feeling discouraged? I can truely understand that. With the problems at home and your body telling you something isn't right, but the doctors not doing enough to figure things out. They leave you feeling as though they aren't listening.

Not only discouragement, but the lack of security, fear, especially unknown and the effectiveness in terms of cost/waste, etc.

I dont want to try also due to procrastination and waiting for a "never reaching" perfect moment.

Its like I am trying to constantly balancing everything out. - Which we all know, it never happens.

Money is everything. I hate that it is. You need it to live some place, to eat, to just... live. It's a shame that we place so much merit on it. Money is veiwed as happiness, success. It doesn't make you a better person, but everyone seems to think it does.

Something's wrong with me. No matter how much effort i spent to calculate, tabulate, telling myself - I have enough. I keep worrying that I don't have enough.

Red - Yes, I kept having this thought. Same goes for "poessessions" as happiness.

I understand the cringe - that feeling of being indebted to someone.

I dont really know how to let go of this "fear" and "feeling"

My mom even stressed to me that "hey it's your brother you know? not like some unknown stranger"

I don't think you sound like your acting like a child. Honestly - I have moments like that myself. I feel like a child, playing an adult. I think it's because I have no clue what I'm doing. Just sort of blindly feeling my way. Change is hard, it really is. But even though you feel like you're being stubborn, you have actually done some moving forward. Just by making appointments and following through with them, that says alot. It's hard to explain things to people - always, because of the fear of judgment, rejection. Just the fact that they are so quick to disagree and then it just makes us wonder even more what is wrong with us.

Is it..? You think so? - (careful) I might be seeking some form of security sense or safety.

Red - Indeed. I think its the same for my diet, health, exercise issues that I "think" i am facing now.

Blue - I wonder... If i should, just give up and make the stupid overseas trip, that I constantly been rejecting. I don't see a purpose in it. No meaning, not forward looking. All for the sake of objective to change my environment and break my habits.

Green - Exactly well described

Hey I'm glad to hear you tried a game, I'm sorry it made you feel so lousy afterwards though. Did it maybe make you tense or like fearful because it felt ok at first? Like you felt bad for enjoying it for a little? Or maybe in the back of your mind you felt bad or conflicted? I'm not quite sure how to say it. I guess.. ok.. if I do something here and feel a sense of acheiving something, it won't be too long until I start to doubt that acheivement and then it makes me feel bad for having that feeling of pride. I feel guilty for it. Does that make sense?

Actually, I tried too many - I feel, but perhaps others could have tried even way more than me.

I kinda logged them in my blog post.

Red - Perhaps maybe. I kept having the thoughts that I need to find a game (i.e. like finding a past-time, hobby, something) to chill/relax/happy/contented/do what i want kind of thing. I kept using things like possessions, computer, gaming, cartoon anime, as what I thought that I liked them.

Blue - I'm not sure, but it just happened. Right almost the end of the game. Plus adding all the headaches/dizzyness regardless of type of games.

Green - Something like that, but instead of pride, is rather what did I got out from it. kind of mentality. what do i want the trophy/achievement for? what was i seeking in the first place. did i got what I want in exchange. was it worth (value, earned something valuable) it?

I hope you can have a good evening/night. Try to be gentle with yourself. You're doing alot to try to find your way through all this. Feel good about the acheivements you have accomplished - no matter how small you think they are.

Take care

I'm not sure about that, it has not been a good few days, doing nothing, poor stomach pains, digestion, etc.

Thoughts but not willing to move. Hiaz.

You too take care.

Thanks for the reminder about me "trying" things out.